I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

I'm not sure he has a right to feel like that when it's his actions that are making absolutely sure that OP is ground right into the ground.
My DH and I both work, 10 month old baby, 3 year old with a complex health condition, 11 year old DSD - we still have sex relatively frequently because we both still have something left for the other. DH hasn't left me doing it all alone.

Oh OP - I've been there. Just make sure enough of those savings/investments are in your name, because my relationship wasn't strong enough and it broke down when he started seeing other people (yes, rather than spend time with his kids/pulling his weight around the house to give us time together, he went off and spent time and money chasing other people).

Such a disappointment - thinking we were putting our all in for the team, for a few years for a big payoff, and he couldn't manage even that - took all my hard work, and now some other woman is getting the payoff from our joint hard work (or as I think of it, I not even a couple of million quid would keep me with him and putting up with his bullshit)

YANBU. You're not asking for much, just for a bit of recognition that you're a real person, and he's in it with you.

Surely you are also eating dinner alone a lot when he's away? The difference is I assume he's staying in a hotel and having a nice meal made for him, a full night's sleep and room service to clean the room while you're doing all of the food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry plus your job plus looking after the kids on virtually zero sleep.

Your husband sounds completely selfish and only interested in himself and what he wants, not helping you in any way

Yet he’s spending this weekend round at the neighbours instead of with his partner and children.

And when OP is doing night wakings for the one year old, up for hours with the three year old, all bedtimes, work, and all the household stuff alone, sex IS another chore.

All these sacrifices (by you) for savings that you don't even have access to...

So now you know he is actively avoiding family life, sharing the load.

But has time to bully you and be sexually coercive.

Start looking for a solicitor and a forensic accountant and get any paperwork about the company photographed.

He has one foot out the foor already.

Don't be a mug.

And when OP is doing night wakings for the one year old, up for hours with the three year old, all bedtimes, work, and all the household stuff alone, sex IS another chore.

Yes, and I would absolutely tell him so! 🌹

Sorry for being crass, but why does it always boil down to H’s not getting their junk wet? 🙄

Just remember, he isn’t sacrificing his time at home, off in business trips etc so you can be at home with DC, it’s actually the other way around, YOU pick up ALL of his slack so he can go off and build a business and pursue his career.

He needs to take over at home on his days at home, the sleep schedule, more of the housework etc, and BEING A PARENT to his DC.

He has full nights rest every night, you have zero. He has days off, you have zero. And then he has the audacity to complain that you’re not in the mood to be intimate or that you’re like “a zombie”?!! GTFO dude, seriously.

I’d love to see him even attempt to do the stuff you must be doing, let alone maintain it for the length of time you have. I hope you do have a talk with him, maybe show him this thread, hopefully it will open his eyes a bit.

Why are you waiting for him to blow up at you - when you should be blowing up at him over him not doing his fair share. He needs to clear up after himself and do the night shift and a fair share of everything else when he's at home. If he's away most of the week then he should be doing all the night wakings when he's at home. If he were pulling his weight not only would he have a much better understanding of how tired you were but you might have a bit more energy to spend with him.

If I were you I would be seriously considering whether your life would actually be better being single. He'd either have to take on responsibility for the children 50% of the time which would give you time off or he'd have to pay child support. You'd still have the same in terms of doing everything for the children but you'd get to do it all your way, wouldn't have the extra mess he creates to deal with and would be able to rest in the evenings without have to deal with his tantrums.

Ask yourself what example you want to set your 3 yr old. Is your life the life you want her to have when she's your age? Because by staying and tolerating the situation you're teaching her that it's normal and what she should expect in a relationship.

Sound like the kind of husband that will cheat on you and say I told you my needs are not met.

What kind of husband does this?!! I feel you need to have an open conversation and put a deadline on how long you will be in this situation. I appreciate that he cannot change his working hours now but for how long are you planning to accept this situation?

Only if women pick up their slack. I have no idea why people accommodate these lazy characters. Seems to me more about self respect of the wife not creating healthy boundaries. He hasn't become selfish, he always has been. If you can love that type of person you need to create extremely firm and clear boundaries. I personally couldn't be bothered with mothering an adult as well as my own children. If it's crept up on you and only become apparent that he's like this once the kids have arrived challenge him and if no success plan ahead for splitting from him.

Have you told him explicitly that you expect him to get up at 7am with the babies? Did you explicitly say, "I need more rest, wake up and take care of your kids" did you challenge him having a jolly in the garden? Have you even tried to set boundaries? Working and traveling for work is also tiring and lonely if you feel you need both incomes you remind him that you are more tired and exactly what you need to function. If he doesn't accommodate that then start getting extremely difficult to show how much you accommodate for him already.

Tell him you're going to tell the neighbours he's too busy looking after the children.

Honestly @gogaah I despair you let family and employees walk all over you. You're very passive

Op. Your Dp sounds like my hideous ex. He would make me and the kids pay with strops and temper tantrums if I didn’t give him sex after a 11 hour working day, doing all the house work and all the childcare. He would go away nights to work ( affairs) and expect all my attention on his return. Nothing you can say to your Dp will work because his head is in the poor me mode. What you can do is help yourself. Cook double and reheat the meal for the next night. Make everyone wear their clothes two days in a row. Run out of your Dps favourite foods. Let the house work go. Book a day off every other weekend for you to go shopping, visit friends etc. with regards to the children, I can help. I am a childminder with 25 years experience. If your older child wakes at night, help them self soothe with a favourite item of yours like a nightie and the promise of a treat the next day if they stay in bed and go to sleep. You can wrap up a few cheap gifts from pound shop. As for the baby they obviously are very secure with you and attached which is very normal from ten months especially. If you set up little play stations around the room and move them from station to station, slowly increasing their time at the station. Keep talking to them from across the room, then eventually from the kitchen whilst you look on. This teaches them to play independently and also teaches them that you are still there for them even if they are not glued to your hip. Try a set routine. At one most babies are ready to go to a two hour afternoon nap. Routine and calm are key. It won’t hurt your three year old to have some colouring or tv time during this time so you can sit and eat or read for a while. Also see your dr. You need help. Even if your Dp won’t go to council ling you can to get more assertive and find your confidence. X

Perhaps the neighbours will be meeting his intimate needs in return for gardening?

Honestly, if it was me and he buggered off to shovel shit for someone else at a weekend he would be sacked on his return.

Shortstufflady. Great advice. I hope OP can do it and can realise this man probably needs to go, so take advice from other people here about that.

Men can get very sexually frustrated and if he is communicating that to you in a normal manner then that's fine. However you are a human and when your basic needs aren't met it is hard to go above and beyond. Is there a way you can both work out how to ease your burdens so you can spend more time with him? What suggestions does he have?

Please tell me you aren’t serious? 🙄

I am being serious. I would love to spend more time with hubby but I don't have the energy right now either. If he really wanted to spend more time with me and got me a cleaner then I'd be more than happy. Doesn't mean I'd be in some sort of contract to have sex every night but at least we'd be having some quality time together.

‘He loves them’ im always mystified by this love that is not shown in any way. Won’t look after them. Wont get up at night. Will spend weekend gardening for neighbours to avoid spending time with them. If that were my husbands version of love for the kids I’d say he could clearly love them just as effectively from his own separate house somewhere else with a short monthly visit so fuck off.

Fucker has hands, doesn’t he? He doesn’t have sexual needs, he has sexual desires.

My neighbour was in this situation - literally passing out from sheer exhaustion when the kids finally go to bed, and the husband complaining that she never spends time with him. They decided to separate and she looks like a new woman. Only two kids to take care of now instead of three. PLUS, now that the ex takes the kids on some weekends, she actually has MORE free time than she used to have to do basic things like get a haircut, catch up on sleep or get some exercise, while he struggles to finally learn how to feed and dress his own kids.

@Lifescary

Assuming there are other problems in your relationship with your DH, why not try and work on them? Wouldn't it be a start to do something as a family this weekend?

If the problem is that one partner is doing all the chores and parenting while the other is sleeping til 10am and the. Demanding intimacy, how could the soliton be anything other than a more equal sharing of chores during down time?

Not a family day out. Please.

And besides, the husband actually prefers to do gardening for neighbors and literally anything else than family time…