I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

You don’t need couples counselling - you need a night nanny (and, ideally, a cleaner twice a week who also does the laundry/bedlinen). Your H sounds like he would understand this type of practical solution more easily than he’s going to understand your feelings about powering through. The reality is having little ones is absolutely exhausting, so if you can outsource any of the issues then you probably should, for your own well being as much as for your relationship.

---

Very curious what the weekend look like?
Who takes care of kids ? Cooks ?
Does he work ? If not, he needs to pull his way or you go out and have rest from being his slave
Let him manage kids and feeding on his own for (at least) half a day … if he moans throw it back in his face.
(Have a nap in car whilst out - been there done that ✔️)

when kids are asleep - give him your time and tell how you feel ( even when he eats dinner)
You are right it will blow up so no point delaying.

Would you be able to reduce your hours at work? Husband will pick up more bills.

This needs some solution or will lead to resentment.
Good luck.

Oh my days he can f right off! How dare he make you feel bad for not wanting to be intimate?! That’s made me so cross. You keep doing what you need to do with your babies, and tell that CF if he wants to spend time with you he needs to help with his children! CF.

sure, working is hard but at least he gets a toilet break without a kid hanging off him. Tell him it how it is, lose your shit if you need to. But DO NOT feel bad or be guilt tripped into giving him a shag.

I wonder if schools, in among all the mind-boggling stuff they teach in sex and relationship classes, ever spend much time on the reality of adult relationships and parenting? Why do so many men think that their wife is going to provide sex on tap for six decades of life? They need to be taught from an early age that the brute reality of early parenthood means very little sex, also about the libido-throttling consequences of childbirth, hormonal contraception, menopause and perimenopause. Most men have the most bizarre and unreasonable expectations of marriage.

So he's only home for 1 or 2 nights a week? Then why on earth isn't he the one getting up during the night, and in the mornings on those days? Seriously, just tell him, he needs to get up so you can catch up on some sleep.

He usually works one day at the weekend. On his day off, he's fleeting in and out. Doing man jobs, like cleaning cars / garage / mowing the lawn.

I'm with the kids. Cooking, cleaning, looking after them.

For most people in your situation, I'd strongly suggest working part-time rather than full time, at least for a few years. But, your husband is a dick. The way he treats you, the way he talks to you, well, that's marriage ending behaviour. Maybe you don't have the strength now, but if he doesn't change and his behaviour doesn't improve (it sounds like it won't, as he doesn't want to), you should be working up the strength to leave. You need to maintain a strong financial position in order to leave, so continuing with full time work is probably for the best. I'd talk to him about getting more paid help though, and he should be paying for it, as he's the one not pulling his wait at home. The easiest solution to sort is probably for your nanny to do longer hours, so she can do the kids dinner and stuff like that.

His working hours are part of the problem, he never sees you because he is rarely home to do his fair share, you are not an appliance to fuck when he honours you and his children with a visit.

He is innately selfish and doesn't seem to care his lack of parenting and house work is running you into the ground.

Even if you had an iota of energy to let him use your body why would you want to with someone that treats you so poorly?!

They aren’t man jobs there is no man or woman jobs. And certainly aren’t things that need doing on a weekly basis.

other than asking for sex does he spend anytime with you or the children

and why exactly is he away 6 days a week not many jobs away cause that amount of time away.

He's a parent, so one of his 'man jobs" (and boak) is parenting.

Apparently it hasn't occurred to him at all that parenting is a verb, so you will need to break it to him.

Seriously you need a different nanny she is well and truly taking the piss. That you have to have a separate cleaner and she only sometimes sorts lunch is ridiculous, what is she doing just sitting there watching them and nothing else?When I was a nanny I did absolutely everything, housework, laundry etc even the bedtime story, mum did zilch apart from make tea.

You do realise there's a good reason why babies and small children don't accompany their parents to their workplaces?

Or has it never occurred to you that looking after babies and small children is actually a full-time, hands on occupation?

Does he even do any child care ever? Or spend any time with his children?

Perhaps he just misses you and expresses ut badly? This time of life is hard and exhausting and lonely. If this was me, I would ask him to get up with the kids in the morning, go out for a nice family dinner so you don't need to cook, have sex once the kids are in bed, maybe a quick drink or episode of a TV show together if you can muster the energy and then up to bed to sleep. You might both feel hugely happier after a lovely evening together and hopefully you will get some extra sleep too.

H gets home, eats, and goes to bed

There is absolutely nothing right about this statement.

Your H needs to clean up the kitchen before he goes to bed and sleeps soundly all night every night.

What kind of man has to be asked to get up with his own kids in the morning?

For a lot a lot of self respecting women, the answer to that one would be "a man who will eventually find himself served with divorce papers, and who will find parenting 50% of the time while trying to hold down a full time job quite an eye opener".

He has to realise that his work schedule is the sacrifice he is making for you all. There are many families out there who live like that and plod along and never even make a meal of such things, so he has to apologise and keep sacrificing like a father and a husband if he wants to have a good family life

"My grace period has expired...". Sorry, what?
If anyone has been enjoying a grace period, it's your H.

He is not entitled to intimacy. Please distance yourself from this pressure.

So even on his day off he doesn’t get in until they are in bed? What is he doing?
Anyway, he needs to cut his working hours to a reasonable amount. Yes maybe your family income would drop, but surely that is better than what is going to happen if he doesn’t. Because your marriage won’t survive him working as much as he is.

Act now. I was in a similar situation and got cancer eventually which I attribute partly to the stress of doing too much (we will never know if it would have happens anyway). Relationship blew up and now in couple counselling. You really need to sort it now and you’ll almost certainly need outside help

Your needs are not being met. What part of parenting does he do?

What about your need to sleep/rest?? (Basic need)

Sounds a bit old fashioned. Where did you find him, the 1950's? Of course if he's doing so well you'd better get a live in nanny and housekeeper so you can spend all your free time preparing yourself for his entertainment. Are you happy to live like a kept mistress? Because I'm pretty sure that's what he's after.
If he wants to see more of you then he should be a stay at home dad. Or a divorced one.