I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

Yes it is entirely possible if he wanted to or you felt comfortable in asking him

is he older OP the dynamic seems completely off

@Quartz2208 no he's not older. It's just that he has a more physical job that takes place outside of the home and I have a desk job, exclusively from home.

On some level it's normal that I pick up more home stuff for sure. But he could definitely do more.

Who earns more.

were you young when you got together

@Quartz2208 he earns more. We were quite young I guess. Early twenties.

Could you not tell him to
di the night times on his days off? And when he is home say ‘can you either take the kids into the garden with you or cook tea while I entertain them!!
If he moans you’re tired say just because he earns more, you work full time AND do everything with kids after work AND cook clean etc

Seconding what several others have said about outsourcing.

Decide what matters to you and sit down and discuss it like adults. He wants more time with you? You want to be less tired. He either needs to take on some of the load, or if he doesn't want to, then you need to pay someone else to pick up some slack. Both be frank about what you want to be different.

He's not wrong to want intimacy. Time alone with your spouse is important, and most people want to have a satisfying sex life. What is wrong is to ignore what is making you NOT want intimacy right now. Your circumstances mean you are overworked and tired, so that's what would need to change for you to have more time together.

I would suggest it is best to make sure yo do have time alone together if you can manage it. Your children are small now, and that makes everything very difficult. But you want to stay comfortable being intimate together as they will grow up. You won't always be up at night with them, so keeping some romance with your partner is nice if you can.

I'm not suggesting it's always easy and I'm DEFINITELY not suggesting that you would just stay up late because he wants you to even when you're tired. I'm suggesting that you look at it there are any things that you could do to reduce your tiredness.

Suggest you head over to the sleep board to discuss your 3 year old. Up for hours at night is not typical at that age, getting to the bottom of what is causing that might make a bit difference to you. Sleep can be tricky I've had one with very severe sleep apnoea and one with eczema that bothers him on warm nights, so I know what crap sleep is like! Small improvements can help you to feel much more like yourself. I've never sleep trained (doesn't suit my style) and I can't stand crying at night, but there are a whole range of options out there to try.

‘Yea, my needs also aren’t being met while I work full time, do all of the domestic work and childcare and worry about your needs. So…go fuck yourself.’

Has it always been like this that your partnership is so unequal and he works away all the time and you are scared to say anything.

where does he stay in the week

Omg I’m so sorry, this sounds like a god awful situation, just try and fight your corner because this is just plain wrong. 😱

What is it about his job that is so much more important than yours that he can’t get up in the night? Unless he has a ‘safety critical’ job like air traffic control, there’s no excuse.

if it’s his own business then he can absolutely cut his workload, it might mean less income but that’s the balance.

You say your Grace period has ‘expired’, seriously, there’s a word for this, it’s rape, if you do not wish to be intimate because you're physically and emotionally exhausted and feel you have no choice then it’s rape, plain and simple, do not feel that you have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Your husband needs to take responsibility for never being there, there are always options and he needs to explore those options. Be kind to yourself.

This just sounds like such a miserable and somewhat mercenary existence. Your husband seems like an old dinosaur with his antiquated attitudes towards women. I personally could not tolerate this but you seem so willing to acquiesce to his strange behaviours that I find it very odd. You are 'waiting' for this period to end but these are the days of your lives with young kiddies. It is so so tough but you have to pull together to make it work. Honestly it sounds intolerable and to be honest you are just repeating how bad things are without implementing tangible changes.

In addition to all of the excellent advice you've received about getting the pm routine fixed and the nanny to shape up, I'd suggest finding someone to take care of the garden, as well. And I wouldn't even tell your "D"H...schedule it weekly for a Thur or Fri afternoon so everything is ship shape when he decides to land for the weekend. It's one less excuse to f*ck off and ignore his children. Bonus is if everything goes tits up, you've already got your "staff" in place. You might suggest that he gets the 3 year old involved in the very important task of "cleaning the car"...start eliminating all of his excuses for not engaging with his family and home responsibilities. He could even put the 1 year old in a carrier on his back whilst "cleaning the car" and doing the other manly chores he finds to do.

Yeah good point. We used to have a gardener but they've left and we haven't found a new one yet. Desperately looking, because H has just agreed to help out neighbours this weekend with garden stuff too 🤦‍♀️

He just always finds something else to do. Being with the kids really stresses him out I think. He loves them, but he can't handle it at all.

So he is help8ng neighbours rather than you or spending time with his family

why do you have such low standards for yourself but even worse your daughters. He is clearly avoiding all aspects of stepping up and being a father. That kind of father can leave scars

wjy is he away so often and where is he staying?

And why do you think he'll agree to any of that?

He knows what the OP has to do. He knows he's not doing any of it.

And he doesn't' care.

In that case, and I may be a little too generous here, but it might help to give him small interactive tasks with the children. Breakfast out on Saturday morning with the older, bath with the little one. Baby steps towards competency. And I say this knowing that it creates more work for you and that it's infuriating that he might need some training or handholding, but if you want to try and salvage this then it might be worth a try. He definitely doesn't have the same skillset or confidence as you (bc he's never around and has opted out) so in order to get him on the same page (so he has less anxiety/stress when dealing with them), have a convo about helping him to reestablish a relationship with his children. He has to want to be more involved and that's the kicker. You can't make someone want something if it's not a priority. He's the big loser if he doesn't follow through with this...he's already lost precious bonding time with both of them, and it's sounding like if you had a little more sleep then your entire relationship would be more closely examined.

Is be getting up and going out somewhere nice for the day at the weekend @gogaah, it’s shameful that he doesn’t want family time at the weekend but moans about lack of intimacy.. he can’t have it both ways!!… he can’t volunteer his services to next door then moan he never sees you!
I’d take the kids somewhere nice and tell him to get his tea! I also then wouldn’t clear up any mess he leaves and tell him you’ve been at ‘work’ looking after the children all day and since he’s been off he can be housewife and tidy up his own shite!

I won't repeat what others have said about your H being a dick. But one thing that jumps out at me as well as all the issues that have already been mentioned (your lack of sleep, trying to keep on top of work, children and the household stuff on your own, possible financial imbalances etc.) is that it sounds as though you can't be getting ANY sort of social or free/fun time to yourself. Do you actually get to leave the house at all without children in tow, except for the rare occasions when you persuade your H to do something as a family? Have you managed to stay in touch with friends at all, meet new people or keep up any hobbies/activities/out-of-house exercise for yourself? I very much suspect not...

You are probably thinking that's not very high up the priority list compared to getting enough sleep etc - which is true, up to a point; but if I'm right, the lack of social contact and pleasure time is also likely to turn into a big issue for you over time, and make you even more miserable. Also I suspect it's ANOTHER thing your H is getting a lot more of than you (even if some of his out-of-house time is for work) - and that he SHOULD be helping to make sure you get your fair share of as well!

You seem weirdly passive about this, OP.

Exactly what I said. Pretty much verbatim. She talks about the situation like she has no agency whatsoever.

welll. Next weekend I’d be helping a friend with something. He volunteers his time, so do you and he can look after the kids.
in your shoes I would kick him awake every time I woke up at night and say carry the baby around for half an hour or an hour until they go to sleep, you doing some parenting at nights is the only way I will be less tired and I’m done with your sulks because you think I’m a machine not a human. I’m a very tired mum who also has to deal with a manchild sulking because I don’t have time for them but does not help with one single fucking thing including at the weekend.
but I sense you won’t do that! My husband didn’t do anything for my first Mother’s Day and I was so so angry. Luckily he pulled the stops out for my second or I would never have had any more dc with him which means I’d have divorced him as I wanted more than one child. I was planning to take myself off to Paris alone for a long weekend the following weekend if he didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day round two, as if he doesn’t value me and all I do for our children (then child) then I have to. You should think very hard about that. Someone in your marriage has to look after you, and if he won’t then you must. Please.

I understand completely that you are beyond exhausted with a 1 and 3 year old. THere's nothing left. Go gas in the mower. No fucks left to give. That said, I'm guessing that your husband feels neglected, rejected, like he doesn't have a space in your life anymore. Imagine working away from home for days at a time, looking forward to going home to be with your sweet partner, and endiing up feeling like you're company is unwelcome and sex with you is just another chore to be done. I don't know how you can find the words talk about it, but you really need to for both your sakes.

I grew up in a similar household with my mum working full time, studying a part time degree and raising three daughters basically single-handedly while my dad worked as a selfemployed businessy person. When my mum finally got bored of it and left, we were all old enough to have a choice and we all very much chose our mum. When OP does the same, her children will chose her over the stranger.

My dad ended up remarrying and having more children in his 50’s and we all thought he’d learnt his lesson about being around for his children this time around but due to some bad business decisions he’s working just as hard and long hours as he was when he was in his 30’s and had his first set of children.

I will say in my dads defence though that when he was around he did put in the effort to be a good dad- he was just incredibly absent. It doesn’t sound like OP’s husband has any redeemable qualities in any way.

On some level it's normal that I pick up more home stuff for sure. But he could definitely do more.

No, it’s absolutely not normal. Honestly it’s been difficult to read your posts because I don’t understand how you can be so accepting of your situation. Do you think, in your heart, that you’re lesser than him because you’re female? That’s what he thinks of you. Ok, he works long hours. You work full time hours, plus childcare, plus housework. He fiddles around in the garage and calls it “man work” (it’s nothing of the sort, it’s just looking busy to avoid doing the “woman work” because he thinks that’s beneath him).

What are you saving up for? Investments to enjoy life once your children are adults? What does that say about the importance of the children to you both? Do you really think you’re going to get through the next few years without a breakdown? Why, exactly, are his much larger savings currently in his own name, why can’t they go straight in to a joint saving/investment?

What is normal, is for relationships to struggle when kids are little. But for everything to fall on you, when you’re working full time, that is absolutely not normal and not ok.