I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

I think you are probably a very gentle woman. Too kind probably. He walks all over you and you don’t stand up for yourself. Think about it. Think about what you wrote. You just dread him coming home. Why, because he causes more work, more mess, adds pressure to your life. Doesn’t help with the children, or get up for them, entertain them to give you a break, doesn’t cook or clean up, has a lovely lie in etc etc.
This man is a selfish pig. You are allowing him to treat you as an unrewarded slave. Yet he wants rewarding with sex for being selfish.
You’re too knackered and frazzled to want sex. And why would you even want sex with someone who is making it just another chore??? I have no words to describe this dinosaur pig.
Stop this all now. Put your foot down. Tell him YOU want counselling with him or you’re leaving him. You’ve got to change this horrific pattern you’re allowing to happen.
He won’t as he gets what he wants. And then demands sex basically.
You deserve 100% better.
Take some time for yourself. Leave him to cope. Arrange a cleaning team for when he’s gone and you return from a relaxing break and take a good calm look at the person you’re with whilst you’re away.
He won’t change unless sometime dramatic happens. Trust me.
Those kids need a parent that cherishes them and gives them time and attention. PLUS they need a good example of teamwork and him being kind, giving and respecting you!!!!!!!

I've read most of this. I think you'll find u are an empath. Read up on it, ull be enlightened. Yr H seems to have narcissistic traits, probably egged on by his family and upbringing.
Take a day off when he can be home at least once a month to do something for u, a haircut and lunch, a friend meet, a long drive, whatever u fancy. It will make the world of difference having some much needed me time where u dont have to worry about anyone or anything. You may feel guilty at first bt u sure need it.
Very good luck x

"I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too."

Entertained??? You're not some performing seal fgs. You have enough on your plate and if he can't see or appreciate what you do and how tired you are then he's extremely selfish

He sounds like a third child to care for. How selfish he is. If he wants to have your ‘attention’ then he needs to pull his weight with the kids and the home. Exhaustion is a relationship killer unless you are both feeling that way. He has obviously got surplus energy, let him see to the children during the night if they wake up. You have been unwell, tell him he needs to help you, or pay for more childcare and home help.

He is working to provide for the family financially which is OK however you have the more tiring schedule and he really should see that. You have 3 youngsters so he has seen you. It's hard for men with very little sex but you two need him to get another job. His present one is too stressful for the family. He needs to change, you're doing too much.

Just read that your bed time for a 3 year old is 8.30. I think this is far too late, especially when they start school at 4, this will seriously tire them out. I would say bath and bedtime around 7.00. You need an evening for your self.

@Ineke not everyone has dc who need to be in bed by 7pm or who need 12 hours sleep. My three year old needed 8 hours - 10 to 6 and that was preferably to him bouncing about from 2 to 5 or getting up at 4ish! As his father was a workaholic who was rarely home before 9.30 it worked because he got to say goodnight to daddy.

Yeah it’s pretty similar for my almost 4 year old. She gets more time with DH if she goes to bed at 8-8:30, and she doesn’t wake me up at 5-6am. 7pm bedtime would be too early for us.

At 4am, when youve been woken for the umpeenth time, and you ask yourself, why are we living like this, does the answer make you happy?

I hope whatever you're saving, investing for is worth it because it sounds like neither of you is happy currently. Yes it worse when illness gets added to the mix, but quality of life is well known to affect the quantity and severity of minor illness and major ones too. Do you ever get to 'enjoy the moment' when you aren't working, and the DC are playing and the world is good?

Dc are only little once, don't let yourself miss it.

I agree. My 3 year old ( 3 and a half ) needs 10-11 hours.

If I put her to bed at 7, she wakes up in the night and will just be awake for a couple of hours.

She also doesn't nap anymore during the day. She hasn't napped since she was just over 2 and half. She used to not go to sleep until 10-11 pm if she had even a short nap. So I cut it out. Not every child needs to be in bed by 7 and have 12 hours sleep.

Little one goes to sleep between 7:30ish and has a 2 hour nap from 11-1 or 12-2.

This. Do this.
By the way, congratulations on your 2 DCs, but you do realise you're married to an adolescent the way he's behaving. He needs to grow up.

I read your answers OP and would suggest counselling - for learning to set boundaries, feeling better about self and focusing on priorities. You're describing a difficult relationship dynamic that pre-dates children, and no matter how much time you spend rejuggling kids' sleep routines and toys, it will not address how you respond to it.

no intimacy for my husband

Or you! If intimacy becomes about the wants of your husband and not both of you, then grab me a fork and stick it in the relationship because it’s done.

@aloris
"
But this is not the real calculation. If you want to know how much her job is really worth, you also have to calculate how much future income she would lose by quitting or by cutting back to part-time. Research shows that after even a single year out of the job market, women's lifetime earnings are significantly reduced. It can be difficult even to get back into the same field they were in before they quit. You also have to calculate what income she'd have to live on if she divorced her husband as a non-earning SAHM or a low-earning part-timer, and he did his best to ensure his maintenance and CMS was as little as possible. You also have to calculate the loss of her pension.

If you are in a great marriage with someone who treats you like gold, then quitting work might be a good bet, because the whole family would have more free time and especially you'd be able to get the expected gruntwork done with less exhaustion from having to do it all after the paid workday. And you could count on seeing an equal share of the income he brought in via your unpaid help. Maybe. It does happen that some husbands only let their most selfish personality out after their wife is well and truly financially dependent on them. When they know it's much more difficult, logistically, for her to leave. How many of those threads have we read here, of men who are taking solo vacations, or buying themselves nice cars, going out with his friends multiple nights or Saturdays, and his wife is trying to pay for her own haircuts based on her savings from back when she was working, because her husband resents her asking for any part of "his" salary, and essentially considers himself generous for giving her room and board in return for her being his housemaid and 24/7 nanny.

In this case, OP's husband doesn't treat her like gold. He already treats her rather poorly, and she's not even financially dependent on him, yet.

This is not a good situation to take the risk of giving up her own income."

This this this this this. Perfect comment.

I have an easy solution! Let him handle all the nights and mornings with the children for the next couple of months

He could do nights, but he leaves the house before the kids even get up. So that's not really possible.

He has to experience full days AND nights on one go, no break. Suddenly his job will seem so much easier. He will no longer have energy for sex. Need to do this regularly as he might easily "forget". Kids will love spending time with dad as bonus 😆

that made me laugh a lot!

I think deep down you must be absolutely f-ing furious with your husband but just not in touch with that emotion. You are probably a highly sensitive person who's feelings were not heard or attended to as a kid, told anger was wrong etc. and so you suppressed your anger and felt 'less than' because no-one in your family was validating you. As another poster said, therapy is probably the way forward so that you can assert your rights and needs

That or a carving knife to his dick...

Ignore the las line I am being facetious. Hope very much you can sort this

Tell him to cook at least twice a week, and at least twice a week he gets up early and you have a lie in. If he wants his life to improve he has to make enough of a sacrifice to ensure that your life improves. Your life is far more shit than his atm, so he makes an effort. Or you could say he's thone complaining so he cane make the effort to change things.

What?! And he doesn't even pay half of the care for HIS children?

He needs to get off the planet he's on and come down to earth. Seriously, this so-called husband and father simply isn't. He won't change anything unless forced because it's all benefitting him at no cost.

I cannot believe you are waiting for him to blow up and not blowing up yourself!

Tell him the truth- that you're fucked right off that he spends all week out of the house, sleeps in til 10, then pisses off doing solitary jobs before coming back in and wondering why you're tapped out on engaging with people.

Unbelievably selfish of him to expect you to be in people-serving mode all day every day.

There isn't a single thing you've said where he doesnt appear to be putting himself first, whether that's what he wants from you, sleeping in or picking the nice jobs he feels like doing around the house, rather that the grunt work that has to be done so people are fed and clean.

Prick.

I've read through all your posts OP. I don't want to sound rude but your life sounds absolutely miserable. No matter how successful or rich he is, it sounds awful.

I couldn't live like this. You sound lovely but also like you have no oomph left in you.

I think it's time for a cards on the table chat with your husband about finances and childcare. Something has to give. Either he pays for more help or is around more. He sees his kids once a week effectively - he may as well not live with you!

You need more help OP. Simple as that.

It sounds like you have a lot of spare cash and good jobs. Get another nanny/ babysitter some evenings so you can have a nap.

Get a cleaner to come and deal with your laundry/ husbands laundry.

If you want to save this marriage you need to sit down with DH and see how much cash you can throw at each and every household task there is.

If your DH talks about the expense- look him dead in the eye and say « do you know what’s more expensive? A divorce. » Let that percolate. He will change his tune when he realises this isn’t just having a whinge/ being a bit tired. Sometimes with men you need to unfortunately spell it out. « This issue is a 10 out of 10 on the scale of importance and I am considering ending our marriage because of it. » sometimes you need to shit them up a bit.