To think my DM is very unpractical?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I know I'm being unreasonable and probably horrible but my DM can't do anything practical.

A few examples: she can't open a car boot no matter how many times I show her. I gave her a pack of baby wipes to wipe DDs face for me and she said she couldn't open them 😐 I've shown her before and she can't do it.
She can't clip a car seat, I've shown her loads of times. Said she never did it with me and my brother. She can't work a coffee machine, air fryer or even a different oven even after being shown. If she puts something in the oven it has to have an alarm as she'll forget otherwise that's it's there.
She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.
I asked her to watch DD's baked beans today whilst I did something else and I found her stirring them with the metal spoon I had put on the side (for DD to eat them with once cooked) . There are wooden spoons in the drawer, she knows and she's been to the house hundreds of times. I can't be sure but I think she was going to give DD the hot metal spoon, which she placed back on the plate, I checked it before I served DDs tea and nearly burnt my hand.
She said she doesn't know how I do things. Surely making beans is the same in every house?
I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely as it's really getting to me. I'm certainly not the world's most practical person but I can't believe how she struggles with simple tasks.
She's not senile by the way, she's only mid 60s and when I think about it she's always been similar.

For context, we don't see my parents much as they are often busy and like to be left to themselves. Today was a rarity, she doesn't see DD that much. I'm starting to think we should distance ourselves, I know I sound horrible but I'm starting to loose my temper with her about these kind of things and I feel bad. She's a lovely person but I find this hard to comprehend.
How do I deal with it ..does this sound familiar to anyone?

Does she have learning difficulties? Or is it just practical things she has problems with?

It sounds like strategic incompetence to me. She doesn’t want to help you out so makes sure she is utterly useless when asked to do anything. If she prefers to be left to herself then leave her to it.

Impractical

I ended up pulling back when I found out that my mother had nearly let my young daughter drown and didn't even tell me about it. Another woman waded into the sea fully clothed to pull my daughter out of the riptide, while my mother apparently sat on the beach a few metres away oblivious to it happening.

I realised then that regardless of her motives, she wasn't safe with my DC. They were far, far more precious to me than her and whatever the fuck passes for what goes on in her head.

I feel guilty it took something that big to make me realise that she wasn't safe.

Was she like this when you were growing up?
My Mum was a bit like this, and I realised she’d always had her own way of doing things ( as we all do) but she was very resistant to change.

People with arthritis in their hands often can’t open packets of wipes or clip car seats. My sil can’t even press buttons on machinery hard enough. So it’s possible she’s got an illness and doesn’t want to tell you. As for metal spoons / drinks ups - those things happen and even I’ve made that mistake when my mind has been elsewhere.

I get that, it applies to me.

But this though:

She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.

That's just ridiculous.

Plus, I ask for help. I don't make other people's lives predictably harder or unsafe.

Thanks for the replies.
@Neolara She doesn't have learning difficulties. She is pretty shy/nervous and hasn't ever really worked, she got married young. She was always a SAHM, not knocking that at all but she had no real reason to learn things or different ways of doing things.

I don't think she has arthritis but I could be wrong.

Yes it's impractical, sorry.

I don’t think anyone is ‘strategically incompetent’ to the extent they would put an open drink in their own bag to spill. There’s nothing strategic about that. She sounds unwell.

@MiddleParking I agree but I can't put my finger on what it is. Its like she has no foresight. She doesn't think about things, doesn't see what could happen. I'm not sure if she doesn't care or not but she just doesn't realise. She's very vague about everything. I've never met anyone like my mum.
She's adopted so I can't relate it to a family thing 🙈

Dyspraxia?

She probably does have some kind of learning disability or neurodiversity. It sounds like her life has been fairly sheltered and she’s just sort of muddled her way through so it’s gone unnoticed.

Does she offer to do stuff ? Like the beans or the drink or did you ask her to do it ?
Is is possible she doesn’t like doing things for people and would rather fuck it up so you don’t ask her again ?

Maybe she is a bit impractical and can’t do things that most people can. Personally, I’d ask her. “Hey Mum, can you stir those beans for me or would that be difficult for you ? Your tone of voice would either make it passive aggressive or sympathetic. If she asks what she can do to help, ask her are you sure, because it needs you do be practical and maybe you’d rather read/play with/to the kids.

I was wondering this too?

My mum got to a point of being pretty useless once I had dc. She can't do anything. My dad is quite abusive and it's made her really tentative. She asks every time which tap is hot or which way you turn the tap for hot. When she makes me a cuppa she gives me half a cup. She asks me how many Broccoli she should cut for 4 people whilst I make the rest of tea and she wants to "help". She can't do anything for the kids. More or less refused to change nappies when they were little.

I reckon your mistake is giving her anything to do. Don't expect help. If its like having an extra child then make sure you only see her when it's convenient.

It's not like you need to distance yourself. Just adjust your expectations. She's your mum and presumably did a lot for you in the past so no need to expect help now.

Possibly in her own environment she appears to cope, put her in an unfamiliar environment and she struggles, I would try have a bit more patience with her, the more impatient you are, the more your Mum will do odd stuff.

I think YABU because to me it sounds like you are expecting too much from her and getting angry because of who she is rather than deliberate malicious behaviour.
She sounds like a neurodivergent person or as pp said dyspraxic and has slipped though the net.
She said " I don't know how you do things" and I would take that to be a true statement.

Maybe lower your expectations and try to find other ways she can bond with your child but to cut her off would be incredibly hurtful and mean imo.

If she's a shy, nervous sort of woman and has always been comfortable being a SAHM it sounds like she might be fearful of doing thing she's not used to doing.

She might be fine in her own home but presented with all the unfamiliar things in your house and things that you're asking her to do she might just get flustered and panicky and do thing wrong.

I doubt very much she's doing it on purpose or to annoy you, and the fact that she's only in her sixties doesn't mean that she is able to cope with these things.

It sounds as if life doesn't run smoothly for her and it might very well be that she spends a lot of her time anxious and fearful about trying anything different or new.

I agree no one without some kind of learning disability would put an open drink in a bag

Sigh. Practical things I can no longer do.

• Use a spray deoderant, I no longer have the strength to depress the canister with one hand

•Take the lid from a carton of butter

• Use any type of tin opener

• open any jar

Etc ect and so on. I'm 72, and I just don't have the body strength.

As for the beans "issue" if it was so important to you, may be you should have got the wooden spoon out for your Mum.

Either that, or don't rely on her

I suppose my mum can be a bit like this, although not quite as bad. She can do the things you've described but she's a real faffer and a bit day dreamy and I find it's often easier to just do stuff myself with her.

It doesn't really bother me though because she has other qualities like being absolutely amazing at imaginary play and perhaps the only adult in existence who will willingly do it for hours.

Hey, just a very gentle suggestion that if you are attributing these things to being 72- you might like to speak to your GP.

None of those things will be caused by your age alone and there may be something the doctor can do for you.

She is pretty shy/nervous and hasn't ever really worked, she got married young. She was always a SAHM,

So how much did your dad do when you were young? Either of these are possibilities- he took over so she didn't have to and you never really noticed, or he undermined her to the point she can't cope.

I'm not saying it's either but you need to look back at your childhood. If she really was coping back then, there could be the possibility of some form of autoimmune condition that cause pain in hands and terrible brain fog.

My DF was 62 when asked by my DM to keep an eye on the GS ( my DSister’s son and first of 10 GC), while she ran a quick errand. When she got back she found DGS2 screaming, his head stuck between two sliding doors of a closet. My DF was deaf in one ear and was typing away on his old fashioned type writer at other end of the house. Didn’t hear a thing ! I was horrified to learn this and never left my DC with him afterwards.
However one day on holiday my DF was carrying my DS1 on a walk and thought it was hilarious to suspend him over a very high wall. First time in my life I severely scolded ( cannot find appropriate term) my DF. Never trusted him again.

I think with age some DP’s severely lose their discernment. DF died 20 years later with all his mind.
A warning to all young parents who trust their parents with the DC!