To think my DM is very unpractical?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I know I'm being unreasonable and probably horrible but my DM can't do anything practical.

A few examples: she can't open a car boot no matter how many times I show her. I gave her a pack of baby wipes to wipe DDs face for me and she said she couldn't open them 😐 I've shown her before and she can't do it.
She can't clip a car seat, I've shown her loads of times. Said she never did it with me and my brother. She can't work a coffee machine, air fryer or even a different oven even after being shown. If she puts something in the oven it has to have an alarm as she'll forget otherwise that's it's there.
She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.
I asked her to watch DD's baked beans today whilst I did something else and I found her stirring them with the metal spoon I had put on the side (for DD to eat them with once cooked) . There are wooden spoons in the drawer, she knows and she's been to the house hundreds of times. I can't be sure but I think she was going to give DD the hot metal spoon, which she placed back on the plate, I checked it before I served DDs tea and nearly burnt my hand.
She said she doesn't know how I do things. Surely making beans is the same in every house?
I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely as it's really getting to me. I'm certainly not the world's most practical person but I can't believe how she struggles with simple tasks.
She's not senile by the way, she's only mid 60s and when I think about it she's always been similar.

For context, we don't see my parents much as they are often busy and like to be left to themselves. Today was a rarity, she doesn't see DD that much. I'm starting to think we should distance ourselves, I know I sound horrible but I'm starting to loose my temper with her about these kind of things and I feel bad. She's a lovely person but I find this hard to comprehend.
How do I deal with it ..does this sound familiar to anyone?

Anxious and insecure because she's had a domineering spouse for 40-odd years? A lack of patience with children can also include a lack of patience with less filter for wives.

Any idea on the background to her adoption? Maybe fetal alcohol syndrome? Undiagnosed inattentive ADHD? Dyspraxia?

Or she's just nice but not quite at average IQ? Half the population has to be below average, after all, and that can mean lower abilities to plan, schedule, manipulate things in three dimensions, with short or long term memory and multiple other things.

OP are we sisters? My mum is exactly the same. There is no way she could buckle my kids into a car seat. She just couldn't figure it out. She would never be able to fold down and put up a buggy or a travel cot etc. I left out a baby grow for my baby once and she couldn't put it on. Said her and my dad had tried everything and they had no idea how to get it on the baby. It's a bog standard jumpsuit kind of thing with poppers.

Anything with more than one step is too difficult. There are also some words too that she just cannot say no matter how many times she tries to say them correctly. She could get lost in a football field. There's no way she could ever get a flight by herself or get public transport alone further than the local town.

I generally trust her with my kids but she does things like leave a huge pot of potatoes boiling at the ring closer to the end of the hob with the handle sticking out, just within reach of my 5 year old. I remember learning that that was a hazard in my home economics textbook in 1995, and she keeps doing it. She also serves my kids their food piping hot and then gets annoyed at them for not 'blowing it' before they eat it and subsequently cry.

Like your mum, mine married young, never worked and devoted her life to being a SAHM.

I try to see things through a compassionate lens. Something has happened along the way to strip them of a lot of these skills. Nobody really wants to be like that. Remind yourself that this is just who she is, don't give her any responsibility and free yourself from the pressure of feeling annoyed about it. Limit the jobs you expect her to do and make a decision to be patient.

My DM was like this. It was her way of getting people to run around doing things for her, and an easy way for her to abdicate responsibility for everything. If something went wrong, she'd be pretty quick to ask how I'd made a mistake, but she wouldn't do ANYTHING for herself if someone else was around to do it for her.

If she’s always been like this it could be dyspraxia or some other disability in terms of processing or spacial awareness

Got to say I've never had that much fuss around spoons for beans. It all sounds very intense and stressful. The other things, I'm only 46 and not great at things like clipping car seats in or anything requiring a lot of strength and coordination. I also have no sense of direction. I manage but it can be a challenge. I've found out I have B6 overload which can mimic MS and may well account for what I thought was inability to adult properly.

My MIL is similar, at 65 she could easily spend 30 minutes making a cup of tea.
we left her with DS once and she rang to say she couldn’t cope in the middle of a funeral for our friend’s DC who does a week after they were born.
DD is similar (our third child) and has ADHD - inattentive type. MIL definitely has too.
She had a horrible life, FiL was abusive / probably as she was so annoying and he was an utter arsehole and had no patience. But, I do wonder if she had the opportunity to medicate her life would have been very difficult.

i’m not sure there is an answer. We didn’t see Mil that often when the kids were little as she couldn’t/wouldn’t help. You only have one child and maybe you can teach your mum?

I so wanted to say that 😁

My mum was a bit like this. Not as bad as yours but just never wanted to learn how to do something (eg use a mobile phone for texting as she was hard of hearing), not wanting to read instructions so we always had to sort, wouldn’t learn how to use self service at supermarkets (would rather stand in a long queue for her two items). There was loads of other stuff, it did irritate me at times.

I have arthritis. There are many MANY physical things I cannot do, but it doesn't make me lose all sensibilities.
I can still work out a spoon is hot, and not to put a cup without a lid in a bag.

There MAY be a physical issue with OPs Mum that she's not disclosing but her behaviour cannot be attributed to arthritis.

If she has always been like this then she could just be getting less confident with age?

If she tries something once & can't do it would rather give up?

My MIL is a bit like that as FIL would often take over & do it for her.

Would rather not talk at all than say something "wrong"!

My mum is very like this and has found out recently she has adhd at age 63 and when I see things about this it does make a lot of her behaviours and impracticalities make sense - it has definitely got worse over the years since we left home and she has lived by herself.

I was wondering about dyspraxia or executive function disorder.

Dyspraxia can mean trouble with judging spaces and speeds, reading maps and direction, general clumsiness. Executive function disorder can mean trouble doing things like following the steps to start a washing machine or oven. The person affected can be perfectly fine with writing an academic essay or solving a calculus based problem, but being faced with a different microwave could throw them for a loop.

I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely

Don’t give her jobs to do and don’t criticise her.

@user1471453601

open any jar

I have the same problem. I have a couple of gadgets to help me break the vacuum which keeps jar lids firmly in place. Bought from Amazon - it hooks under the edge of the lid and releases the vacuum and you can very easily turn the lid.

There are various multi purpose gadgets but this the simplest to hold and use. 🌹

amzn.eu/d/bH8vwLy

Sounds like dyspraxia to me, more of a fine motor issue than being impractical.

Thanks everyone, it does sound like dyspraxia.

Certain neurodevelopmental disabilities will affect praxis, task sequencing etc. Sounds like your mum may have an undiagnosed congenital condition. People with DCD etc. often adapt to doing things in familiar environments but will struggle to translate it into new situations. I don’t think distancing yourself is helpful in these situations. While, no doubt, it will be annoying at times, a little compassion goes a long way. I would say don’t assume that your mum can easily do things at your place even if you saw them do it before at her house. Sometimes visual cues and/or written instructions can help. And a lot of practice and reassurance.

This sounds like textbook ADHD to me! The lack of foresight, the "not thinking"...ADHD can be debilitating at times.

Could it be ADHD? It always seems she isn't quite listening or paying attention.
I've always wondered if there was history of MH things on mums biological side as my brother and I have both had MH troubles I'm pretty sure my mum does, that she's repressed.
But for me and brother, it could be due be partly due to upbringing.
My dad's always been very strict, he took care of everything but it always his way or he highway.

MIL:
Mother of three
Teacher training at Homerton, Cambridge, then an English degree at Girton
Deputy Primary Head
Never cooked - her dc lived on packet food
Didn't clean much, changed the beds at half term and holidays
Disinterested in her appearance
Brought her dd's to sneer at making the best of oneself
Never drove
Never paid a bill.

At my house expected to be waited on hand and foot. 35 years on still doesn't know where the kettle is. I once asked if she could heat the rice while I did the school runs - she didn't know how. I once asked her to par boil the spuds while I did the school runs - she didn't drain them because I didn't tell her to. She sneers at those she doesn't believe are academic or who she thinks are shallow.

It's strategic incompetence because she considers herself above the practical and is lazy her mother was a cleaner so her "incompetence" is misplaced she knows how, she choses not to do it.

My mum is impractical and is very aware of it. It’s a bit sad that her whole life has been domestic because it’s the arena she shines in the least. She’s very clever academically though and a deep thinker.

People are different but while I can see this is frustrating for you, I would just try and enjoy her company and not look to her for practical support.

The bar is on the floor if expecting an adult to know not to put an open cup of liquid in a bag is "expecting too much".

Some people are just not that smart OP, and if she's never worked or been challenged intellectually before it might have just gone unnoticed until now.

How was she when you were a child? Were you kept safe, or did she take risks with you?

My MIL is like this and tbh I don't think I'd leave her alone in charge of any future DC. I don't even feel comfortable having her pet sit, as I just can't trust her judgement. She does so many potentially dangerous things without any thought. She somehow manages to burn or cut herself every time she cooks, and usually burns the meal as well. She can't pronounce common words or remember what things are called no matter how many times we try to help her with it. She absorbs opinions and beliefs from her partner and social media and can't explain why she holds a certain opinion or have a conversation about most things. She doesn't have interests of her own and just likes what her partner likes. I do think the older generation was allowed to leave education too young and this is the result.

She's a nice enough person, but she's just not that bright. Maybe your mum is the same?

My mil is like this! My mum can also be like this too though, I remember when I had to show her where to park and collect my child from school, you would think I was telling her how to do open heart surgery or something! She was anxious and said she would forget or would panic she wouldn't be able to park etc.

My mum is a bit like this. Not quite as severe but struggles with every day things.
she really wants to help but often just adds to my to do list. I am currently 7 months pregnant and have 2.5 yo

examples:
wanted to make me a sandwich the day I got home from my C section. Asked me where I keep my bread (in the bread bin - same place as before, we have lived here 5 years), where we keep our knives, where we keep our cheese. I said fridge, she said which shelf? I said I don’t remember just look. She couldn’t look so I got off the sofa and made myself a sandwich.

she can’t use our car boot (you press an auto button and it self opens)

struggles for 5 mins plus to clip toddler into car seat or buggy. Can’t put buggy up or down. Have shown her these things 20
times or more

can’t use our microwave, melted toddler bowls in the oven instead

wanted to help with baby washing, I said to use the link vanish stain remover. She went into a completely different cupboard than I said and started using vanish carpet cleaner on things. I said why didn’t she read the labels, she said it’s all pink bottles it’s not her fault…

asks me which bowl she can use for cereal, I said any is fine. She got 4 bowls
out and compared them all for a number of minutes. Chose one and left the other 3 on the side which I then had to put back in the cupboard after breakfast.

asks me where we keep our towels (in the airing cupboard, same place as before, she has been to our house at least 30
times for overnight stays now)

wins!!
can use our tv
can use our baby stair gate nowadays!!!

My mum is actually brilliant at playing with the kids. And very kind to her friends. We get on great, too. She’s quite funny! But, I think my dad has anyway been “in charge of things” so she takes a back seat in life.

It does sound as if she has some sort of neurodivergence and married a dominant man at a young age . It sounds like she finds some things difficult and has also been made to feel fearful of making mistakes. She hasn’t had to push herself outside her comfort zone and has further lost confidence. It doesn’t sound malicious at all to me. I can see how it could be annoying but I don’t think reducing contact is the answer. You aren’t seeing her that often so try to be understanding. Play to her strengths and ask her to play with your child rather than do practical tasks.