To think my DM is very unpractical?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I know I'm being unreasonable and probably horrible but my DM can't do anything practical.

A few examples: she can't open a car boot no matter how many times I show her. I gave her a pack of baby wipes to wipe DDs face for me and she said she couldn't open them 😐 I've shown her before and she can't do it.
She can't clip a car seat, I've shown her loads of times. Said she never did it with me and my brother. She can't work a coffee machine, air fryer or even a different oven even after being shown. If she puts something in the oven it has to have an alarm as she'll forget otherwise that's it's there.
She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.
I asked her to watch DD's baked beans today whilst I did something else and I found her stirring them with the metal spoon I had put on the side (for DD to eat them with once cooked) . There are wooden spoons in the drawer, she knows and she's been to the house hundreds of times. I can't be sure but I think she was going to give DD the hot metal spoon, which she placed back on the plate, I checked it before I served DDs tea and nearly burnt my hand.
She said she doesn't know how I do things. Surely making beans is the same in every house?
I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely as it's really getting to me. I'm certainly not the world's most practical person but I can't believe how she struggles with simple tasks.
She's not senile by the way, she's only mid 60s and when I think about it she's always been similar.

For context, we don't see my parents much as they are often busy and like to be left to themselves. Today was a rarity, she doesn't see DD that much. I'm starting to think we should distance ourselves, I know I sound horrible but I'm starting to loose my temper with her about these kind of things and I feel bad. She's a lovely person but I find this hard to comprehend.
How do I deal with it ..does this sound familiar to anyone?

Can she drive, OP?

My mother can drive. That's how she got my daughter out and onto the beach.

I think some people are just like this. My grandmother was a capable woman- teacher, head of department etc. switched on and successful. But could not do the most practical of things. Could not cook bar toast. Couldn’t work the shower so had baths. Couldn’t work the oven. Couldnt work any technology at all. Luckily she retired before she needed to use a computer more in school (paper register etc).

she once came to babysit and made beans on toast for the kids just before I left. She said she would use Microwave. I said it would be better in the saucepan (to avoid hot spots and splatter). She put the bloody pan in the microwave and melted the handle 😂

@StarryNightSunnyDays No she can't drive. She could never pick it up.

early onset dementia?

We foster and have a young person who has similar attributes without any malice/vindictiveness. We are currently going through assessment for dyspraxia (its not just physical difficulties but organisational and 'thinking ' through skills) ,adhd, sensory processing.
Totally infuriating at times , LOADS of repetition and can now do some stuff in our home, but put them in an unfamiliar environment and it makes an obvious /known action into something that they struggled to do .
Out and about they struggle to speak/order / buy for themselves (if dealing with staff) and we guide/ encourage with repetition and demonstration, they'd stay clear of things/situations they find or think will be challenging.
She may manage in her known environment really well especially if your DF will 'step in',
If you look at from the perspective if a learnibg difficukty, that she's not doing it to 'get out of somethibg/to annoy' then you may find more patience with her. Lower expectations and give her things that play to her strengths especially if she'll happily play with GC ! And having some 1 to 1 time as you suggest would be lovely x

If your Mum was adopted, it’s possible she might have been given up due to her mother moving drink or drug issues? This can cause developmental and/or behavioural issues with babies from those mothers.

Yes. That’s not an issue to do with strength, or that requires experience or any foresight.

Having said that, I have a friend with dyspraxia who does things that absolutely boggle me and also can’t operate even basic equipment in the kitchen so this does sound familiar. It’s like she can’t think ahead to consequences, it’s very much impulse driven.

My DM is, and MIL was, the same. Can manage to look after themselves in their own house but can't or won't do anything outside of their comfort zone. My DM once grilled a cake instead of baking it. DD wanted to make it for me while I was at work, she was so upset! She is lovely though I just had to laugh. MIL would sit on the sofa and would not entertain doing anything practical ever. Both DF and FIL were very difficult to live with though and I think they both just got to the stage where they were going to please themselves, they'd done enough so wanted to make sure they were left in peace to chill.

My mum is a bit like this. I have no idea how she gets through life. Some of it is definitely learned helplessness and it’s much worse now she’s older.

It sounds very much like dyspraxia. Can't you just let her enjoy your DD's company and not give her jobs to do?

post it note pad - writes on it upside down and over the sticky bit

lids on pots upside down with the knob handle bit sticking down into the contents

tries to put oil in car via the dipstick

leaves taps turned on

could that be indicative of dyspraxia ?

My mum and I are both dyspraxic (and I suspect my dad might be) and whilst it could be something else at play, almost all of this does remind me of dyspraxia. The lack of dexterity /struggle to pick up practical skills is a big one. Dyspraxia presents very differently in different people and can be very hit and miss as to what's affected.

My mum is very confident at lots of fine motor practical things but is only a basic needlewoman (my grandma, aunt and cousin are all amazing, mum just can't see how to create stuff) she doesn't "get" my (I think very user friendly) washing machine, and can't tell left from right. I only have lots of decent fine motor skills through years of practice, have awful spatial awareness, struggle with my sense of direction and prefer very broken down instructions or I can't follow them. We can both drive perfectly well, are considered good housekeepers and we are surprisingly good at assembling flat pack furniture.

Neither of us would ever do something like put an unlidded drink in a bag or give a child a hot spoon but another dyspraxic might - or this could be another form of ND or just plain silliness. What strikes me is that she seems unwilling to learn. I realised very quickly that if I didn't make an effort to learn stuff, I'd be very useless - and obviously so. Embarrassingly so. Perhaps she's only just woken up to the "need" to do this now your Dad's not around? If mum or I struggle we both cut each other some slack - but we know we're dyspraxic and proceed on that basis accordingly.

Genuinely curious, how is possibly feeding a child with a boiling hot spoon indicative of dyspraxia? That's not a fine motor skill or coordination issue, that's just thoughtlessness.

It doesn't have to be a specific neuro divergence, although it is kind of people to offer it as a reason. Some people are just very unintelligent. The average IQ is 100. (Obviously) 49%, terrifyingly, fall under that level.

Just wondering how many men can't drive due to dyspraxia or neurodiversity

Quite a few.

This is wildly outside the realms of what would be considered normal. If you've not had any blood tests done recently please get yourself checked. I would hate for you to be suffering from something and just assume it's getting older. Please get this addressed.

OP I have ADHD and hypermobility (where your joints bend too much and aren't very stable). There's a huge crossover between people with ADHD and people with hypermobile joints, about 60% of ADHD sufferers have hypermobility.

Hypermobility stops me being able to open things, makes it hard to squeeze things to pull them (e.g. I can't open packets of "big crisps" like kettle chips so I have to cut the top off with a pair of scissors, I also can't do can openers). When you get older hypermobility turns into a real problem.

The thing with the cup in the bag, and the spoon with the beans, sound like the kind of thing I would do without thinking. I once stood in a dog poo to try and pick it up, thinking it would stick to my shoe like plasticine and come off the driveway. It didn't. I also can't do some very basic things like wrapping presents.

@FarmGirl78, and other posters who have expressed concern about me.

it's just old age, that's exasperated by three lots of different cancers over the years, fragile asthma that sees me hospitalised once or twice a year. Plus, I have a thing called Esential Tremor, which looks a bit like Parkinsons, but isn't.

some people age better than others. I was quite healthy (apart from the cancers) until three years ago. All tests done, it's just that age and previous ill health issues have now taken their toll.

I suspect your DM would be diagnosed as having inattentive adhd or asd today

I don't understand how someone who married young and dedicated their lives as a SAHM would leave boiling potatoes with the handle sticking out by the edge or serve too hot food to toddlers. Isn't that the sort of thing a SAHM would be excellent at if not bills and technical stuff?

We are incredibly unaware of learning disabilities based on a low IQ.

I have two sons who have the same level of ASD. One has a high IQ and the other has a very low IQ.

Low IQ son is 13 and if I had a pound for every time someone told me they think he is clever, I'd be rich.

I do think the older generation was allowed to leave education too young and this is the result.

I'm in my 70s and we weren't allowed to leave school until 16 so this isn't anything to do with a person's capabilities. Some children are skilled and very sensible, some adults are simply not, for a variety of reasons.

My mother was very similar. I learned pretty quickly not to leave my children (when they were babies and toddlers)alone with her while they were awake!
She would leave pots boiling close to the edge, sharp knives out, the garden gate open, drinking glasses on the floor.
She definitely had low self esteem but she was also lazy and let me down many, many times regarding babysitting plan. She just wouldn’t turn up and say she’d forgotten.
Still feel a bit resentful and she’s been dead for 2 years.