To think my DM is very unpractical?

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I know I'm being unreasonable and probably horrible but my DM can't do anything practical.

A few examples: she can't open a car boot no matter how many times I show her. I gave her a pack of baby wipes to wipe DDs face for me and she said she couldn't open them 😐 I've shown her before and she can't do it.
She can't clip a car seat, I've shown her loads of times. Said she never did it with me and my brother. She can't work a coffee machine, air fryer or even a different oven even after being shown. If she puts something in the oven it has to have an alarm as she'll forget otherwise that's it's there.
She put a drink for DD in her bag with no lid and obviously it tipped up and soaked everything in the bag. I warned her beforehand but she said she didn't think it would tip up.
I asked her to watch DD's baked beans today whilst I did something else and I found her stirring them with the metal spoon I had put on the side (for DD to eat them with once cooked) . There are wooden spoons in the drawer, she knows and she's been to the house hundreds of times. I can't be sure but I think she was going to give DD the hot metal spoon, which she placed back on the plate, I checked it before I served DDs tea and nearly burnt my hand.
She said she doesn't know how I do things. Surely making beans is the same in every house?
I could do with tips on how to deal with it nicely as it's really getting to me. I'm certainly not the world's most practical person but I can't believe how she struggles with simple tasks.
She's not senile by the way, she's only mid 60s and when I think about it she's always been similar.

For context, we don't see my parents much as they are often busy and like to be left to themselves. Today was a rarity, she doesn't see DD that much. I'm starting to think we should distance ourselves, I know I sound horrible but I'm starting to loose my temper with her about these kind of things and I feel bad. She's a lovely person but I find this hard to comprehend.
How do I deal with it ..does this sound familiar to anyone?

I have the same thing with my mum. Do what I do OP, accept she will never be any help with your kids and thank god you made it to adulthood relatively unscathed!

You could be describing my mother. She only knows how to do the things in her house, and does the bare minimum. She also married young, did everything domestic for my dad & us (me & sister). She’s never paid a bill in her life. She doesn’t have a mobile phone. She’s not an old woman, either.

If me or my dad are there, she plays dumb. We’ll able to get around when she’s alone. Same, she’ll hand me a packet of crisps claiming she can’t open it. Can’t ask a waitress for milk for the tea. Can’t find the platform at the train station, etc…

She quite likes being eccentric. Said when she was a kid, that she was away with the fairies. Couldn’t concentrate at school, and left very young. Got by on her looks mostly. And her plan was to marry a college boy, buy a house & have kids.

Definitely sounds like learning disability. I don’t think I’d be comfortable leaving my children with her.

She is probably feeling she is walking on eggshells, knowing everything she does is not correct therefore stressed and muddled trying her best but making things worse, forgetting to put a top on an open drink. You admit she is shy and nervous so explaining things in a brusque manner does not help at all.
A person works better with praise and love not with hurtful distancing and exclusion.

@Reigateforever She didn't forget though. She fully knew it was in there without a lid and thought it would be ok. I do find that a little odd.

A few things I wonder... How old is she? has she always been like this? Is it getting worse? Can she do the things she wants to do? All of this I ask because I think you need to understand what is going on in order to deal with it.

You say she's a lovely person but you think you should distance yourselves? That's sad, she's your mum, warts n all

She has lead a very sheltered life, like pp have said on here she never paid a bill or sorted anything practical, it was always my dad. She has never driven so we never went anywhere far without my dad who took care of things.
I love my mum very much, however I do find it hard to relate to her as our lives as mums of young children were are obviously very different.

I'm thinking now I should have left a wooden spoon out for her. I thought it was obvious. Tbh I wouldn't have minded so much if she had used the metal spoon but gotten a fresh one out for DD to use. It was the fact it was boiling sat on her plate.

But lesson learned. I think the next time I see her it would be best to be without kids or my dad out of our homes in a place we can talk.
She does have a lot of good qualities. It's funny a Pp said about their mum's they were amazing at imaginative play and this is my DM, brilliant imagination for things like that.

ooh ,must be a close relative of Mr Riley!

@Stickybackplasticbear She's 65. Yes she's always been like this to a degree, however it does seem to be getting worse.

drained pots and left in sieve on pan ,asked MrR to mash .Which he did , through the sieve .
etc

Same. I have arthritis in my hands and there are lots of things I can No longer do. It’s a fucking pain.

I don’t want to worry you but it sounds like the onset of dementia? Maybe if things need a lot of dexterity and she can’t do it could be arthritis(if she tried I mean)

If she has always been like this then undiagnosed dyspraxia or similar is most likely.

You cant change her so all you can do it not give her jobs and not trust her with the dc. Sorry.

Has she dementia was she always incapable of cooking for you?

Sounds like it might be dyspraxia.

Can she ride a bike?
What is her sense of direction like?
Can she do jigsaws or deal with flat pack furniture?

I struggle with some of these and I'm 60 it's called arthritis

I hope you don't deprive her of her grandchildren just don't get her to do tasks let her play with her grandkids.

@cartagenagina Awful sense of direction, never ask her for directions!
She was a good cyclist in her 20s byit I've not known her to cycle at all since.

Flat pack furniture, absolutely no chance.
Jigsaws maybe if she was given plenty of time.

@jannier I won't but I don't see them very much as they have chosen not be be particularly involved. My father has little patience with DD.
Once a month for a couple of hours, I might see them for an hour on my own every few weeks.

Well, reading your update it just sounds as though she is lacking in confidence as she hasn't had to do a lot of these things. I think you are going to have to accept that she is not going to change at this late stage. Some people are vague and impractical, it's not a crime.

Have you considered she might be dyspraxic?

My first thought from your OP was dementia. Then as you say it is getting worse, the brain and people are good at compensating initially. Then things become more obvious as more small things build the bigger picture, in terms of deteriorating in cognitive function.

My mother is very similar. She seems to daydream her way through life and does the most randomly infuriating things.

It used to really get on my nerves, but as I have got older, I have come to the conclusion she must have some kind of neurodiversity. I actually think she has undiagnosed ADHD.

I have researched and she ticks every box, this has made me much more empathic towards her and her weird foibles.

I know try to give her little strategies to manage and laugh off her blunders.

I would never dream of cutting her off, for something she can't help.

I'm not saying this is the issue with your mother, but maybe something to be considered 🤔

Rubbish! I did it myself once, I just had over-confidence in my ability to be able to keep it upright.