Aibu to resent helping family member daily?

[Foodfan]

I know you’re probably already judging me after reading the title and maybe IABU.

If you had a family member who needed practical help everyday… eye drops, socks and shoes on etc, would you mind doing it?

They have a number of health issues including bad arthritis and awful bunions, frozen shoulder etc so simply cannot do them alone. They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues).

I have to therefore help them daily before and after work and the only time I can go round on my way to work and still be on time myself is 6-7am (depending on my work commitments that day). They always know in advance what time I am coming.

I also have to go round after work to do their eyes again, help them lift washing out the machine etc. It also extends to driving them sometimes but I find that stressful as all they do is critique my driving!!

I am ashamed to admit I feel resentful for having these commitments every single day without a break. They simply couldn’t manage without the help and have no one else they can ask so I can’t ever say no. When I went away, my brother had to move in temporarily (doesn’t drive so couldn’t do daily trips like me).

Their argument is they did loads for me growing up and gave me lifts etc and never asked for anything in return so basically I ‘owe’ then this. Me pointing out they chose to become a parent and have me did not go down well.

I then feel bad for thinking I’d like to be free of the commitment. 🙈

Would you feel resentful too? can’t talk about this in real life as people would think I was awful! 😣

AIBU?

Yes I’d be resentful. My sibling helps my mum out a couple of times a week as lives much closer than I do and I feel terrible that it’s not shared. My mum is lovely but it’s still a burden when I’m sure my sibling just wants to relax sometimes and not think about it. Every day twice a day is too much and your parent needs to get professional help as it’s affecting your life so much and could (I assume) continue for years. I’d hate to burden any of my children like this.

Oh wow. You’re locked in tight. I would suggest talking to them and taking the emotion out of it. Let them
know that whilst you’re not going to be able to help going forward it’s going to be a struggle and they need to look at outside options. Someone with more valuable info willcome along to advise. But this is unsustainable and frankly guilt tripping you is unacceptable. Try to help
where you feel you can. But also take away the option of you always being there. You must be exhausted and drained.

Yes I would feel resentful ... I 'only' need to visit an elderly parent once a week .. they have no health issues, we usually go out for a nice lunch (they insist on paying), I don't have to do anything practical but it is still a tie and uses up a good half day so in your position I would be very resentful... but it's hard to know what to suggest.

Can they afford a carer, perhaps you need to be tough and make it clear that it's not sustainable for you to visit twice a day? Even saying something dramatic like 'Look Mum/Dad .. how would you cope if I was rushed into hospital or dropped dead, you need to think of other solutions'.

And 70 is nothing .. I'm only five years younger than your parent myself.

Why do you say family member when it's your mum? Yes, I would do this. Maybe feel a bit annoyed, but I would do this. But my mum would not be so proud as to do without a carer, so I guess it's a moot point.

Wow - they really have sent you on a guilt trip. You have other commitments.
What is manageable for you- doing it once.l a week?
Tell the family member you can commit to whatever you can commit to and then help them with accessing additional professional help. If they decline the professional help that's on them.

It will get worse as she ages as her needs will increase.
You need to make changes now. Be less available. Organise home help. Speak to gp

It's their rainy day. This is what we scrimp and save for.
Time to get a carer. No decent person would have another so tied like this. Indefinitely. For years?! Selfish and unfair.

Babies are cute and give back in cuddles and general snuglyness. Not at all the same thing as looking after moody parents who will criticise and be ungrateful. The quality of your life matters too.

From my own personal experience, get them the care they need. Take a break.

Yeah you need to address it now before the care needs increase. Family meeting to divvy up the tasks you're willing to do and talk about carers for the rest. Relative needs to face it head on and knock off the guilt trips before they end up with full time carers.

This isn't your job and nobody can force you to stretch yourself.

“Family member” was off phrasing… difference between a distant older cousin who picked you up from school once and a parent, surely.

that said YANBU and you’re going to have a conversation about how this is not tenable that comes with a “this is what will happen instead” game plan.

You have a huge commitment going there. Getting out of it will take planning, hard conversations and strength.

Have a look here and ask questions https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents as some very experienced people will have strategies for you.

It is too much.

They need to have a carer so that you can go a couple of times a week and the carer the rest of the time.

I think a couple of times a week would be nice and insist on a carer or your brother to do the rest. What do I know though; I am making arrangements to move my mum in with me in a few years! ( she's great though).

They need a carer it's too much for you

I guess OP was using the phrase "family member" to keep the emotion out of her question. Does it matter anyway?
OP, I would contact Adult Social Services and request a needs assessment. It may be that your relative is exaggerating their needs to guilt trip you. If they're not, then they can work to clearly identify their needs and make arrangements to have them met. Get their GP involved in this too
Apply for Attendance Allowance for them, if awarded (and it's not difficult frankly) the benefit will go towards buying in help for them
This needs to be stopped now or your health will suffer, you deserve a life of your own. Be strong and ignore the inevitable emotional blackmail from your family member and Social Services

Difficult situation for you. You sound like a saint. I agree that getting a carer in is the best option. That's what the setvice is designed for. Also meals on wheels
It would be nice if the time spent together was quality time - little trips out to cafe or park/ shops/ cinema- not feeling like the (unpaid )help. It will only get more intense and you need to future proof the situation now for your own sanity and your parent.

They need to get a carer. Give them notice that they need to get one from 1 July as you will only be able to help once a week.

Why don’t they expect twice daily help from their son?

We have had a chat this morning and I am now in the bad books and have made her cry. (Not on purpose!)

She said she’s always brought me up to be kind and me saying this and feeling this way isn’t. All she’s asking for is a few minutes of my time and thought I could do that out of love. She’s worried about when she ages and is more disabled as she she’s as she says from my attitude to the little things she asks of me now she knows I’ll be horrible. 😞

But she can afford a carer? If so, she is being unreasonable. I like the idea of the carer doing the boring bits and you just taking her out for lunch or to the movies. Can you frame it like that?

No she can’t afford a carer, so unless we could get one via social services then she wouldn’t quality.

She’s not speaking to me at the moment.

Well that's just how it is. What would happen if you were ill, or moved away or went on a long holiday? Not fair to rely on you. Stand firm

Well let's take that apart OP

You didn't 'make her cry', she cried, you're not in charge of her emotions.

Is she being 'kind' to expect this is to and guilt trip you? No.

She has dismissed your feelings, also not kind.

She asking for much more than 'a few minutes'.

She is not asking for 'little things' she wants things more than once a day, every day.

If you're 'horrible' a paid carer or your brother will be preferable, won't it?

Look up FOG -fear obligation guilt. It might be useful for you to see this situation differently.

She sounds horribly manipulative op, ask yourself why she has no one else to turn to.
There's being kind and being put upon, make sure you have some boundaries in place before she starts speaking to you again.

I have health needs too so I do understand why your family member needs your help so much but I've tried to be more independent. So let's break down the needs.

You can get aids to help with putting socks on/buttons/bras. Have any been considered?
What are the lifts for and can taxis be used instead?
Can washing be taken home once a week - or spend a couple of hours on a weekend doing some while doing another job? Brother can help with this.
Cooking - my DD says getting those Hello Fresh boxes work out same price as buying ingredients yourself, with less waste. Can something similar be done? Gusto, Wiltshire Foods also spring to mind.

Eye drops...um no. No help there as I couldn't cope with that myself either.

orangeflags makes a good point OP, what if you were ill and couldn't be there to help her? This is the angle I would have gone with when talking to your mum, 'Mum, I'm worried about what would happen if I was ill and couldn't get to you, can we discuss getting your needs assessed so that at least we have options if that happens?'

There's so much that could go wrong with your current arrangement and it sounds like she would be completely stranded if you did suddenly become ill, or (god forbid) had some sort of accident, needed surgery etc so it would be really sensible to have a contingency plan. If you can go at it from this perspective maybe she would agree and then you can gradually start to step back and let carers take over?