Aibu to resent helping family member daily?

[Foodfan]

I know you’re probably already judging me after reading the title and maybe IABU.

If you had a family member who needed practical help everyday… eye drops, socks and shoes on etc, would you mind doing it?

They have a number of health issues including bad arthritis and awful bunions, frozen shoulder etc so simply cannot do them alone. They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues).

I have to therefore help them daily before and after work and the only time I can go round on my way to work and still be on time myself is 6-7am (depending on my work commitments that day). They always know in advance what time I am coming.

I also have to go round after work to do their eyes again, help them lift washing out the machine etc. It also extends to driving them sometimes but I find that stressful as all they do is critique my driving!!

I am ashamed to admit I feel resentful for having these commitments every single day without a break. They simply couldn’t manage without the help and have no one else they can ask so I can’t ever say no. When I went away, my brother had to move in temporarily (doesn’t drive so couldn’t do daily trips like me).

Their argument is they did loads for me growing up and gave me lifts etc and never asked for anything in return so basically I ‘owe’ then this. Me pointing out they chose to become a parent and have me did not go down well.

I then feel bad for thinking I’d like to be free of the commitment. 🙈

Would you feel resentful too? can’t talk about this in real life as people would think I was awful! 😣

AIBU?

No I don't think YABU. She doesn't want a stranger carer but therefore she's forcing her preferences onto you. She could get a social services carer, especially if she can't afford a private carer. And attendance allowance is for this. There are other allowances too but I don't know them because they didn't apply to me. You definitely don't have to do this if you don't want to. Caring needs to be a two way street and resentment is not a good basis for caring. She can emotionally blackmail you all she likes but that will only increase the resentment.

As she's not talking to you at present OP, I would stop going round there. Then when she calls and asks why you haven't been round, you can tell her, that she sulked and stopped talking to you, to punish you for wanting to spend time with her as your Mother, rather than as her Carer. Tell her you're no longer prepared to keep running around after her, and that there are a lot of people in this world, younger than her, who have no choice but to employ a Carer. At 70 years old, she needs to accept that she's no spring chicken any more, and if she needs help, she's going to have to pay someone else to do it, as if you wanted to be a Carer, you'd be doing it for a living. Telling her that you love her as your Mum, but don't want to be her Carer, as you feel it makes you see her as a whinging old woman, rather than the Mum that you love, will hopefully make her see what she is doing to you. If she gets nasty again, then just continue not going round there, she'll soon realise that she HAS to get a Carer. I hope you can sort this out, without making a long term rift between you OP.

Contact your local adult social care service and ask for a needs assessment. https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/arranging-care/care-needs-assessment/
Ask her GP for an Occupational Therapy referral for aids and adaptations to help day to day living.

Excellent advice.

The pressure on you for twice a day is totally unreasonable.

What about holidays, nights out, personal relationships?

This is you available to here night and day.

Not your responsibility.

You need to be firm on this and pull back before it gets worse.

This is completely unreasonable to ask.

She did it for your dad but they were living together, a completely different dynamic.

You have no wish to be your mothers carer, that is 100% your choice.

Best to be clear on that point now.

Don't characterise yourself as selfish, you are not, she is. I suspect you believe she can't afford carers because she has told you so. Either way, some things you can do:

• contact Adult Social Services for a care assessment for her. When/if they draw up a care plan, be absolutely clear that you are not an integral component in that. You intend to resume your normal relationship with visits, outings, shopping etc but no more
• ditto above for a carer's assessment for you
• apply for Attendance Allowance
• get a key safe installed
• look online for disability aids and equipment. There is SO much out there E.g. I use a "handle" to help DH get out of a chair sometimes, much better then holding hands
• get OT in to assess her home, DH has a riser/recliner chair free from OT, we've had rails installed around the house which are actually attractive. This is all separate from us being deemed able to afford carers ourselves
• discuss all of this with your family, DH, brother etc. TELL them your position, don't consult or inform them

It's not selfish. It's a lot. Driving there and back twice a day to do small tasks that could be more easily done by a hired carer who lived nearby. It may seem like a few minutes to her, but to you it's easily an hour or more out of your day, not to mention the restrictiveness of it, having to work your entire schedule around it, being unable to do something spontaneous with friends, having to work out how to manage it if you want to go on holiday at all, etc.

Oh she really knows how to guilt trip you. Little things? Twice daily 7 days a week for maybe 20 years when you have a job and a family?
How extraordinarily selfish of her to not even look into having a carer. I’d be far more embarrassed asking my dc to do personal care for me than a professional. It would have to be absolutely the last resort to ask my child and I’d really hate it. At the very least you and your brother should share the load, but ideally 3 ways with a carer. You are NOT being selfish and while she was being so rude, ungrateful and selfish I wouldn’t be going round either.

Care assessments in this area are currently taking 18 months for the assessment. It's not that easy nowadays.

Thread from June? There are a lot of old threads appearing 🙂

Having children so that they’ll care for you in older age is awful.

And yet it’s one of the lines constantly trotted out on here against people choosing not to have children. 😂

”Oh but who will look after you when you’re old? MY children will surround me with love and bathe me in a bath of milk everyday”

@Zebedee55 we still don't have a formal care assessment or Carer's assessment. But we have had OT input, home adaptations, blue badge and PIP applications accepted, key safe put in etc. there's much that can be done