Aibu to resent helping family member daily?

[Foodfan]

I know you’re probably already judging me after reading the title and maybe IABU.

If you had a family member who needed practical help everyday… eye drops, socks and shoes on etc, would you mind doing it?

They have a number of health issues including bad arthritis and awful bunions, frozen shoulder etc so simply cannot do them alone. They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues).

I have to therefore help them daily before and after work and the only time I can go round on my way to work and still be on time myself is 6-7am (depending on my work commitments that day). They always know in advance what time I am coming.

I also have to go round after work to do their eyes again, help them lift washing out the machine etc. It also extends to driving them sometimes but I find that stressful as all they do is critique my driving!!

I am ashamed to admit I feel resentful for having these commitments every single day without a break. They simply couldn’t manage without the help and have no one else they can ask so I can’t ever say no. When I went away, my brother had to move in temporarily (doesn’t drive so couldn’t do daily trips like me).

Their argument is they did loads for me growing up and gave me lifts etc and never asked for anything in return so basically I ‘owe’ then this. Me pointing out they chose to become a parent and have me did not go down well.

I then feel bad for thinking I’d like to be free of the commitment. 🙈

Would you feel resentful too? can’t talk about this in real life as people would think I was awful! 😣

AIBU?

They might not 'want' a carer, but have you pointed out that you don't 'want' to be an unpaid carer?

I would feel very selfish if it were me expecting someone to do this for me. Sick of hearing family members struggling because older people/in-need people refuse help because of ego.

I’m sure your comments have been invaluable to the OP @whatwasIgoingtosay. miraculously though, other posters have managed to offer support and advice regardless so I think this may be a poorly chosen thread to illustrate your irrelevant grievance.

She said she’s always brought me up to be kind and me saying this and feeling this way isn’t. All she’s asking for is a few minutes of my time and thought I could do that out of love. She’s worried about when she ages and is more disabled as she she’s as she says from my attitude to the little things she asks of me now she knows I’ll be horrible
@Foodfan this is her metaphorically sticking a knife into you and twisting it, she knows exactly the pain she is causing she doesn't care as long as she gets what she wants and you have to subordinate yourself to her.
If it was me I don't think I'd confront her I would turn the tables and just say sorry I'm too ill can't come today..... on repeat.

OK attendance allowance is £68.10, my MiL's carer was,£16.00 be so you should be able to get 4 hrs help a week.. That would put a slight debt in the time you spend with her. Hopefully her frozen shoulder will repair it of and she'll have a bit more independence

But she's not being kind?
And a carer would only be in and out 'in a few minutes' then what's the problem?
See how manipulative they are.
Did this person get to enjoy the prime of their life without this kind of burden?

I looked after both my parents in their final months, they both died young and quickly from cancer, but there is a big difference looking after someone with a defined life expectancy and someone who may well go on for decades yet.

I have a distant relative who is late 60’s, looking after her mum in her late 90’s, her life has been on hold for the last 20 years or so, getting more onerous with every year that passes. No way I’d want my kids in that position.
Be careful what you volunteer for OP, set your boundaries!

We used to get old, then ill and die, now we get old, ill and drag on!

It know from experience it is such a difficult situation- feel bad when you go and bad if you don't. I had this for years and honestly please look after yourself as the stress made me feel ill. Ask for help, social care assessment/financial assessment/paid carers twice a day, anything that helps. Don't feel bad, you can still do what works for you and they will get their needs met. And don't feel guilty, no one holds their lovely new baby in their arms and thinks that what they want for their child is what you are currently doing.

They’re going to have to get a carer.

The lifts were optional and not a daily occurrence I bet. They chose to do it when they didn’t have to. That’s on them. You don’t owe them a huge commitment just because they made a choice to help you (not every day) when you was younger.

And if this this a parent, well part of parenting is bringing your child up isn’t it? Your child doesn’t “owe” you for that.

I’d hate to think that when I’m older and have health problems I’ve made my family member’s life miserable just because I don’t want a carer as it’s “embarrassing”.

OP I’m sure you’d drop in and see them when you can. But the daily care needs need to be met by a carer.

In case nobody has said this, apply for Attendance Allowance. She needs help and this will help towards it.

Have you applied for attendance allowance for them ?

Have you applied for carers allowance ?

Then you can out source some of the tasks

What happens if you go on holiday?

Why does no one plan for old age and infirmity????
im nearly her age - what about using an eye bath to apply the eye solution (even with arthritis). Difficult to dress with frozen shoulder but some loose sleeveless tops etc might help.
Difficult to get carers twice a day. Does she shower herself? So she needs to work with either morning or evening g help and work around. Taxi numbers, Uber.

Why does no one plan for old age and infirmity????
because they are fully confident of their ability to manipulate others into doing their bidding

She’s not speaking to me at the moment
RESULT!
Now you're free of her, she thinks you'll plead with her and beg forgiveness, DO NOT CONTACT HER AT ALL.
Take back your power, just let it ride, if she contacts you wait a few days before you respond.

This.

Twice a day is a huge imposition.

You have a right to your life.

This person is hugely entitled.

Let them sulk.

Take back control of your life.

This entitlement will only increase.

You need to insist on alternatives, otherwise I think you should consider moving.

You are being lined up to be their carer by stealth.

That is not fair and not your responsibility.

Because there’s so many ways of being old and infirm that it’s hard to plan

Because moving into elderly-suitable accommodation may mean giving up most of what makes life worth living for you.

Because no matter how much money you’ve saved,you know it’s got to last you the rest of your life and it’s scary to start spending it

Because it’s hard to realise that a few minutes help for you may be an hour’s travelling for the person helping

Because it’s hard to realise quite how unimportant you are to your children when they are still the most important people in your life (apart from your partner)

Thank you everyone for your insights and perspective. I am looking into attendance allowance for her. I know she was able to do this for my dad before he died several years ago but his needs were far greater and she had to apply twice to get the money as was turned down the first time.

Being totally honest, I don’t want to be her at home carer at all. More than happy to keep taking her to do her weekly shop etc but all the other stuff I selfishly simply don’t want to do it. I’m sure there are lots of people who wouldn’t mind but I am not one of them!

All she’s asking for is a few minutes of my time and thought I could do that out of love.

That is completely untrue.
She's asking for your daily attendance twice a day before and after work
Its blackmail.
Now you are getting the cold shoulder until you cave and keep obeying her.

This situation is unsustainable. They are lucky that you call in regularly but this could go on for years and when there is a crisis - there will be a crisis - the whole scenario will crash. What happens if you are ill? God forbid.

I've dealt with family members that age who insist that what they want is the only way and refuse all assistance from "outsiders". They won't change their minds.
The best thing in this situation is to get advice from somewhere like Age Concern, or even social services. Find out what help is available so that you can get some kind of respite.

Don't feel awful OP. I couldn't and wouldn't do what you're doing, also she's only 70 this could go on for another 20+ years.

What happens if you're not well and can't come ? Could that be an option to prompt a crisis?

You can't keep on doing it, if she applied for care and didn't get it that would be different.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to help a parent out on a daily basis, IF you live near them, have a good relationship with them, and can easily meet their needs. However. There is no doubt that , depending on your own situation/age, this can become very detrimental to your own life and you need to be honest and clear about what you can - and cannot - offer.

I bought my mum this device for putting on socks and trousers which would mean she could do that for herself.

And this is an eye drop dispenser from the RNIB.

Nicecow · Today 12:14

YABU they are your parent. Why don't you pay someone to do it if you don't want to”

Why doesn’t her mother pay someone to do it? She claims she “doesn’t need care” but continues to make manipulative demands for care on her daughter, who has her own life.
I repeat, having children with the expectation that they will provide personal care in old age is reprehensible.

I wouldnot be resentful because I would not do it, unless it was for one of my children.

Snugglemonkey · Today 20:31
I wouldnot be resentful because I would not do it, unless it was for one of my children.”

As it should be. (Though obviously there are cases where parents need outside, professional help too).

No one should grind themselves down for anyone else, however much they love them, when there are viable options.