Aibu to resent helping family member daily?

[Foodfan]

I know you’re probably already judging me after reading the title and maybe IABU.

If you had a family member who needed practical help everyday… eye drops, socks and shoes on etc, would you mind doing it?

They have a number of health issues including bad arthritis and awful bunions, frozen shoulder etc so simply cannot do them alone. They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues).

I have to therefore help them daily before and after work and the only time I can go round on my way to work and still be on time myself is 6-7am (depending on my work commitments that day). They always know in advance what time I am coming.

I also have to go round after work to do their eyes again, help them lift washing out the machine etc. It also extends to driving them sometimes but I find that stressful as all they do is critique my driving!!

I am ashamed to admit I feel resentful for having these commitments every single day without a break. They simply couldn’t manage without the help and have no one else they can ask so I can’t ever say no. When I went away, my brother had to move in temporarily (doesn’t drive so couldn’t do daily trips like me).

Their argument is they did loads for me growing up and gave me lifts etc and never asked for anything in return so basically I ‘owe’ then this. Me pointing out they chose to become a parent and have me did not go down well.

I then feel bad for thinking I’d like to be free of the commitment. 🙈

Would you feel resentful too? can’t talk about this in real life as people would think I was awful! 😣

AIBU?

I wouldn’t do it, OP. I’m stuck being my mother’s full time carer since she had a stroke years ago. I’m dependent on the carers’ pension (we’re in Australia, so I don’t know how comparable that part is). If I had a job with a living wage I would definitely put her in a nursing home; she’s on the highest level of home care package (which provides shower assistants, exercise physiotherapy and one day a week a respite carer so I can have a day out) and has automatic approval for a place, but I’m 60 and haven’t had a job for six years, and don’t like my chances of getting another even with support programs. I resent the hell out of the whole situation. There are days I just want her to go away. She was a good mother, but the vascular dementia has given her one-minute-memory and I find that extremely tiresome - I don’t have the temperament for this.

Don’t let your mother manipulate and guilt trip you. You don’t want to end up stuck in this position in twenty years.

It isn’t sustainable, you’ll run yourself ragged. Call Adult Social Services.

Hi - not read whole thread but only yr replies. Poor you.
Has anyone suggested yr relative claim Attendance Allowance if of pension age, Personal Independence Payment if working age? This would mean some extra £ which could go to you or a carer. It might help you feel differently or her to get some care in l.
Please get CAB to help you with the form, they're awful.
Also Carers Allownce maybe.

Sorry CAB aren't awful, the forms are!

I just wouldn’t do this. It would drive me nuts.

OP, I don't judge you negatively at all. This is unsustainable. They might not like feeling old but it's a fact. Tell her what you can do and not what you can't. If there are complaints, enquire whether they would prefer you don't offer at all, because that is what their attitude is going to lead to. Offer to take her to an independent living shop, she should be able to find workarounds for some of these issues with advice. And link her to care agencies via your council pages. I suspect it's more about feeling vulnerability but you can't fix that. I think I would offer one midweek visit and one weekend, unless I was busy, but you can do what you think is right for you.

They don't want a carer? Well they need one. They can manage without one? Well they can't as they are just forcing you to be one. I wouldn't do it when there are other feasible options. And I wouldn't be listening to anything about them looking after you as a child. I had children as I wanted children, not as a favour to those children. Looking after a young, small child is not the same as looking after a large, elderly adult anyway.

Oh I agree with this so, so much @ZekeZeke . My mum was like this when Dad was diagnosed with dementia, refused carers, wanted to do it all herself, wouldn't even hear of social services becoming involved.

It was OK for a bit but with someone who is ageing, or who has dementia or similar, it's only going to go one way. Your relative is not going to get any "better" from where they are now. Their needs are going to become more and more and unless you are prepared to put your entire life on hold to become their full time carer, prioritising the elderly relative's needs over your needs, your partner's needs, your kids' needs.

The fact that your relative doesn't want a carer is neither here nor there. They NEED a carer.

The guilt trip can jog right on, your dm should be thankful you have done what you've been doing so far for her. 70 isn't old but she needs some outside help whether she likes it or not. Let her cry about it, not your fault. Not talking to you? I'd be less available with that nonsense and tell her so.

It sounds horrendous OP.
But several times in your post you say you 'have' to do this. You don't.
I know it's too late now, but at the first mention of this arrangement I would have said 'No can do I'm afraid, that won't work for me around my job'.
Done.
If you feel too uncomfortable to be honest about not wanting to do this anymore, I'd magic up some 'additional responsibilities' with your job, which need you to be in earlier/later than usual, or cause your hours to become much too unpredictable to allow you to commit to anything.

Her parent, not her child. The parent needs to organise/buy in the help she needs, not expect to be able to guilt trip and manipulate OP to do it. I don't have children in order to use them as free carer or free care funder when I'm old.

Also have you tried getting a carers assessment for yourself? You are entitled to one.
UK | Carers UK

You can't care for others if you don't care for yourself. What you are currently doing is brilliant and well done for stepping up when needed. If it had been a short term necessity following an operation etc., it would have been fine, but it is totally unsustainable in the long term.

As others have said, it's not going to get any better. You need to have a frank and honest conversation with your brother and tell him you cannot do this and you need him to support you to sort out a carer etc. If you are both saying the same thing and putting on a united front it will be easier.

She doesn't sound like a good parent. These kinds of expectations are not what family is. It is very unfair and manipulative for her to compare this to your childhood. Would you treat your kids like this? My parents are older than yours and would go out of their way to make sure I never ever felt like you do. In fact too far as they might not tell me until they really really need help.

OP, I couldn't do this. Your mum is being unreasonable to expect it and to guilt trip you.

I say that as someone who is close to her mum and will help out when she needs me, but every single day is far too much. This could continue for years!

I would be looking into alternative solutions. Even if you were still doing it part of the time, and a career for part of the time, that would still reduce the burden on you.

I don't think "It's embarrassing and would make me feel old" is a good reason to burden your child instead of getting a carer. It's a few minutes per day to her, but it's a lot for you - has to be scheduled before and after work, restricts other things you might want to do (go for a drink with friends after work), probably takes up driving time etc.

Raising you is not a good equivalent because you are not her mother.

I think this is pretty common, including the fear, obligation, guilt. You just have to limit what you do, to what you can do sustainably without feeling resentful. It's only going to get worse over time so you have to pace yourself or else her needs will eventually swallow your entire life.

I had to for my mum for a long time, she did have carers, but I took her evening meal, did shopping, washing, cleaning,took her out in chair while she was able. Yes I did resent it, yes I was worn out, however the difference was mum never guilted me. She was grateful and on the occasions I couldn’t she never complained.
you need to calmly explain, like someone said, take the emotion out of it. Don’t feel guilty, resentment damages affection.

I just wanted to add that shouldering this also robs you both of your core relationship.

She probably isn’t going to actively agree with you, but at least put the thought in her head that whilst you’re having to manage her needs she’s losing out on whatever energy and resources you would have left for an actual relationship with her.

I do not think you're being in the slightest but unreasonable. I do think this woman is though. I'm not sure if she's your mother or an aunt (I flew through reading the posts).

What I think is that while she might be 70 and have these health issues, in her mind, she is still the young, vivacious woman who did X, Y and Z and she is desperately, desperatly trying to hang on to that mental image of herself for as long as she possibly can. Getting old is a terrible thing, even more so if you're no longer as able-bodied as you were in your 40's, 50's or 60's or any age really.

That said, she needs help. You are stretched to snapping point. Something has got to give here and I honestly think that it would be much much better in the long term if you began the process of getting her assessed for social care now rather than waiting until her situation disimproves and she will start at the bottom of a very long list at that point. At least if you start now, she'll be on the radar of someone in some department and can begin to have things done in her home to help her negotiate her stairs, use the shower/bath safely etc. etc. etc.

I do think that you are also right in the middle of the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt). Fear about what would happen to her if you didn't do what you're currently doing, feeling Obliged to make all of these visits to help her out and Guilt if you miss a visit or whatever.

You both actually need help, and the help from whomever would step in to do what you're currently doing for her, will also help you and make your visits to her far more pleasant and useful to her.

Best of luck to you both.

"Im sure you're judging me"
"They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues). I have to therefore help them daily"

NO NO NO. This is completely unreasonable emotional blackmail. She knows damn well it's not just a couple of minutes a day, it's all the travel and faff and commitment and mental load.

Attendance allowance, Social Services care assessment, Carers Assessment if you can get one.

Obviously you wouldn't be in this position if your relationship was a bit different - it sounds as if you've been trained by her to see the obligation. Could you afford a bit of counselling to help you?

This is blatant emotional blackmail. This woman isn't kind or considerate. She's entitled and manipulative.

I would develop my own health problems which would prevent me from helping them with theirs, you're being played here op.

They'll have to get over it and get carers even if it's just once a day. What if you were ill or on holiday ?

Would she qualify for PIP? That might help fund carers, at least part time.

I am so fed up with posts on MN not identifying the gender of the person referred to - and why 'family member', which could be a second cousin or a nephew, instead of 'my mother', which we have to infer from the clues we are given???