Aibu to resent helping family member daily?

[Foodfan]

I know you’re probably already judging me after reading the title and maybe IABU.

If you had a family member who needed practical help everyday… eye drops, socks and shoes on etc, would you mind doing it?

They have a number of health issues including bad arthritis and awful bunions, frozen shoulder etc so simply cannot do them alone. They don’t want a carer as it’s too embarrassing and would make them feel old (they’re 70 but with health issues).

I have to therefore help them daily before and after work and the only time I can go round on my way to work and still be on time myself is 6-7am (depending on my work commitments that day). They always know in advance what time I am coming.

I also have to go round after work to do their eyes again, help them lift washing out the machine etc. It also extends to driving them sometimes but I find that stressful as all they do is critique my driving!!

I am ashamed to admit I feel resentful for having these commitments every single day without a break. They simply couldn’t manage without the help and have no one else they can ask so I can’t ever say no. When I went away, my brother had to move in temporarily (doesn’t drive so couldn’t do daily trips like me).

Their argument is they did loads for me growing up and gave me lifts etc and never asked for anything in return so basically I ‘owe’ then this. Me pointing out they chose to become a parent and have me did not go down well.

I then feel bad for thinking I’d like to be free of the commitment. 🙈

Would you feel resentful too? can’t talk about this in real life as people would think I was awful! 😣

AIBU?

No I absolutely wouldn't do this. I'm not in the slightest cut out to be anyone's carer. Your relative needs to suck it up and accept that he/she needs professional help. No child owes their parent anything.

I'm pretty tough as old boots with issues like this these days after years and years of looking after my very elderly mum and disabled brother. Iran myself ragged, couldn't take a day off even when I had pneumonia because they needed me. And yet there were carers who could do this and not burn themselves out. I was a fool to myself and resentful for years.

I have no patience for those in need who refuse carers and yet expect their usually adult children, to do all this work for them.

I don't know if you have said if you work full time, have a partner, children etc but even if you had none of those things then twice a day is an enormous commitment.

Phrase it how you like but arm yourself against emotional blackmail and tell this person they are going to have to get assessed for carers. No argument. Be strong.

OP why wouldn't she qualify for a carer? We have one three times a day for my mum. She owns her own house but does have less than the savings ceiling.

@CatfoodOzymandias makes a great point. You could get a carer and frame the time you do spend with her as quality oriented.

What happens when you go on holiday or are sick??? Do you have siblings who could help?

You really need to get social services involved-if nothing else, but to get an assessment done and her on their books. I would then happen to come down with a dreadful bout of something contagious (covid, D&V etc) and ask the carers to go in. You need to look after your own physical and mental health OP, otherwise you will burn out.

I absolutely sympathise OP. My nan was just like this, manipulative, never grateful and always demanding more. She would phone my mum to close the window or grate a carrot- even though her other daughter lived in the exact same street and my mum lives 20mins away!!!

Does she have another relative/friend she trusts? Sibling, neighbour, cousin? I'd have a word with them, and ask them to set the seed about how wonderful having carers in would be and her continual demands might push you away altogether.

She is your mum, needs care and can't afford a carer. What is she supposed to do?

Get one via social services. It's what the rest of us do. The only blocker is if you have over 23k of savings in my county in which case you can afford one.

Presumably her parents cared for her as a child so that was her pay back for caring for you as a child. Its good to help parents as they age but this is too much. She needs a carer, but you will have to say no to make her accept this. Offer to help with contacting social services, applying for benefits and get some equipment to help her. Age concern would be a good place to start, putting on socks is easy with one of the tools you can buy, I forget the name but do some research.

Explore her options. Not as many as in years gone by granted but there is support out there and it’s generally accessed through her GP and social services initially. She’s 70 and unable to care for herself, this is unlikely to go any way other than decline further.

OP please don’t beat yourself up over this. Speak to her GP, social services and Age UK to find out what support might be available in her area. Being relied on for such small but essential tasks is a huge commitment, if your relative isn’t grasping that then it makes it even harder for you. Set the ball rolling and step away.

Be honest with any support that you access, services are stretched and won’t flinch at asking more of you just simply because you exist. Don’t worry about their perception of you, you have to put yourself first.

If she needs care and can't afford it then get a care needs assessment done via social services. It will be provided by them if needed (and she doesn't have the money). Did she have children so that they would look after her in old age then? How fucking awful and completely negating of you as an actual living breathing person with autonomy and a life. You work, a paid carer would do this as their job not in addition. It's madness and she's being ridiculous to only accept care from you.

If she won’t consider a carer would she consider a cleaner even once a week to do the washing etc?

For the socks and shoes has she actually explored all options of being able to do these herself? E.g. sock aid, long handled shoe horn, slip on shoes, nike go fly ease etc? There are also devices and dispensers that make putting in eye drops easier.

If she hasn’t looked into these things, why not? Could it be that she is just assuming you will pick up the slack and do it for her?

Is she getting attendance allowance. The high rate is over £90 per week and would pay for someone at least part of the week.

No you don't owe her because she brought you up. Her decision to have a child and looking after you was what she choose. You entitled to a life and sometimes you just have to take charge. She gets help as you can't do this every day. What happens if you get ill. You will get run down because the caring will only ramp up till she will expect you to give up your job because you know only her needs are important. Put in boundaries now. I know you will feel guilty but you can't⁸ run on empty and someday something will have to give.

The thing is if you are resenting helping then it kind of defeats the purpose because you aren’t doing it with your heart. Generally if people help family members it’s because they love them and want to help them. If you are doing it because you have to and don’t want to I’d start looking at alternatives because a carer will do it without the resentment.

As a side note an elderly person within our social circle would always say he loved it when his nephew would care for him on the carers day off because he would do things with such kindness and nothing was too much trouble. The nephew loved his uncle and didn’t have to do it all the time so it was his pleasure. This is how it should be. So please look for better alternatives.

Certainly sounds like she'd qualify for help. For eg if she can't put her own eye drops in due to her disability.

She also sounds manipulative. Shame she isn't being a bit kinder to you. You must be exhausted.

Who's looking after her now she's not speaking to you?

That isn't sustainable for you. Be clear that you want a normal parent/ child relationship so you see each other because you both want to rather than as her carer.

Support her to find some paid help. She may qualify for additional benefits which will help pay for this. Plenty of elderly people don't have kids near by so have to find a way.

YABU they are your parent. Why don't you pay someone to do it if you don't want to

I'd say that I cannot manage each day so she needs to speak to social care to see what can be arranged.

She's manipulating you, which isn't kind! Trying to make you feel guilty so you'll do what she wants!

Decide what you can offer and then step back. There are devices on Amazon for socks etc. speak to the pharmacy and see if there are easier eye drops etc. set her up for success and I think you'll see that in essence she actually just wants you to come round!

Yes I would be resentful and of course you can say no. Tell her you can’t continue to do this on a daily basis and offer to sit down with her and work out what help/benefits she is entitled to. If she declines, well frankly that’s her look out.

The only person making you do this is you. If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

You don't owe your life to your parents. They chose to have a child, you don't owe them for that.

Prelapsarianhag · Today 11:54
She is your mum, needs care and can't afford a carer. What is she supposed to do?

Access care visits like other people. Having children so that they’ll care for you in older age is awful.

I wouldn't do it, I've been in that position twice and I won't be taken advantage of. Help is available but they are choosing not to access it. If someone else does the practical work, you can be there for company, ordering shopping, popping in with a treat etc

She is being incredibly manipulative and that is not fair or kind to you. If she’s being so ridiculous that she won’t talk to you then she can’t expect you to help her. I would tell her straight that you are not there to meet her demands and while you will show her kindness and help when you can, you are not going to do it at the detriment of your own life.

Is she getting all the benefits she’s entitled to?

you can hire a carer for £10 ph

im sure it would suit someone

You can put your own ad out