Teen and her prom dress

[Promdressproblem]

My dd has her prom next week and she's tried her dress on this week and it's too small . She's been overindulging herself recently with iced coffees , crisps , chocolates, she has put on weight very quickly. She's quite curvy carrying her weight on her legs and shoulders and she can't zip it up .

So I asked her to basically go on a diet , go swimming , she has a proper swimming pool in the garden , explaining to her we can't just order her a new dress in a week so she thinks we can just take it to a seamstress ... taking NO responsibility to lose this weight so she can get Into the dress. Infact ignoring there is an issue .
However I explained to her sbout how much weight she's putting on is an issue too and perhaps exercise and diet wouldn't hurt her ..

She also doesn't live with me and her family are basically under the impression that if her dress doesn't fit, she's not willing to lose weight and try to get the dress to fit that I'm basically pampering her if I try to find a new dress rather than make her take the consequences...

I feel her prom is the most important day so far and I feel like she's almost being body shamed at 16 for putting on weight . I get it , she's been over eating and should face consequences for that but surely not at the expense of her prom ?

I can't see the wood for the trees right now coz I want to pull out a new dress at the last second rather than have her disappointed but her family don't seem too happy with that and want her to realise you've got to put effort into everything you want in life.

She's a size 12-14 not massive but she has had a lot of negativity (not from me) around her weight recently and I worry this could spark eating issues with her so for the sake of £50 and getting her a new dress I wonder if it's worth it?

Or am I infact bailing her out again and instead she needs to face the consequences of over eating and potentially miss her prom ?

Voting ... I'm being unreasonable she should miss the prom due to her not taking responsibility

I'm NOT being unreasonable... just buy her a new dress !!

If you genuinely have your DDs best interests at heart then I suggest you work with the fosters carers to find a solution on this. And all the other issues you have that prevent you caring for your own child.

In the same way that teens often play off one parent against another, they often do this between their parents and foster carers. Teens who have lived in the care system sometimes use lies and manipulation as coping skills to deal with their situation. As do some adults.

It’s also very difficult to find good Fc placements for teens, many only take younger children.

so its EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you work with them to identify and solve this problem

I have been a foster carer for teenagers for some years, and this is actually a common scenario we face every year when it comes to the proms. Actually we are facing the exact same problem right now, except the young person's mother says her daughter is underweight. Many young people we have fostered have begun to see their birth parents again at age 16 (some have contact all along) and. maybe understandably, the parents want to spoil their child. The prom gives them an opportunity to do that, but it is often not in the best interests of the child. For instance this year my foster child's school have asked that money is not spent on new outfits and so on due to the cost of living crisis. Their mother has not listened to this and spent over £500 on a new dress, and with accessories and so on, it has come to over £1000. I get it, she has not paid for the usual expenses of having a child, not had any input into schooling, and want to go over the top on this. It will however mean the young person will stand out in a way the school has not asked for. But she was determined and any opinion we have would be turned around and used against us. As has been said it is playing one against the other. "My mum says I don't have to revise" or "my mum says I can stay out until the early hours each weekend" and being frequently reported by them to the social workers - for example the being too thin I said earlier. Although we may have cared for the young person or a decade or more, there is suddenly this difficult power play. So it is a difficult time for all. And year after year I see all this focus on the school prom dress as a symbol of that.

What are the kids meant to go nude? or in their school uniform? not bying stuff is extreme and not the place of the school to ask.

If schools want to help the cost of living crisis ditching the ridiculously strict and expensive uniform codes is the way to go... we need LESS clothing police not more.

Also nothing wrong with standing out at prom, most people try too. I spent school with my head down attempting to avoid bullies (I was beaten so bad I was hospitalised several times). I was the first in my school to wear a short cocktail dress to prom (not the hundreds spent on a custom prom dress like others, seems no one else ever thought too not wear a 'prom' dress). I also went bleach blonde and cut my hair short... it attracted a huge amount of attention and was a perfect ending and fairwell to a very shitty chapter of my life.

If you think no other parent is spending money you must be delusional, every kid is going to be doing their version of 'standing out'.

She can't lose much weight in a week, even if you were to try to force her. Go to your local charity shop and ask them which branch their send their best dresses to, then go there

If you think no other parent is spending money you must be delusional, every kid is going to be doing their version of 'standing out'.

I take your point that I am delusional and you may well have much more experience and knowledge than me. However, in my own defence I will say caring for teenage foster children (and my own children) has taught me that not every young person wishes to stand out. Unfortunately the young person we currently care for is completely horrified her mum has spent £1000 in accessories and a dress, to a prom she does not really want to go to - most of her friends aren't going as it is rather a laid back (cheap and cheerful) affair this year. But perhaps I am delusional on that too. I take your points.

You keep bring up money but unless the dress says 'I cost £1000' on it who knows or cares?

If it wasn't for people talking about it at school I couldn't have told you who had a £500 custom dress vs a £20 second hand charity shop dress vs a dress off boohoo/asos sale. The price tag is not what stands out unless you brag about it... you could where a £1000 plain black maxi dress and not stand out, you can wear a £5 glittery low cut mini dress and get all the attention.

If the kids not even going to the prom then its all null and void anyway.

I'll be honest your post wording sits very fakely... an awful lot of virtue signalling and buzz wording about foster caring, cost of living crisis, the best interest of children and kids being 'completely horrified' at an expensive gift but you also completely changed the point from it being a power play where the kids defying you to now the kid actually not wanting any part of it. Makes no sense.

@cornishcrusader 💕 and if you need it,

This can't be real? Unless you have a massively unhealthy relationship with food and dieting and you intend to pass that on..,

Try being shorter than average, then you'd see why people often order clothes online.
I live in a city but many high street shops don't stock their petite range in store and if they do it's usually not their full range.
I order online to give myself options behind something that is too long and won't fit right.

A bit tricky to alter a dress to make it bigger!

You keep bring up money but unless the dress says 'I cost £1000' on it who knows or cares?

I'll be honest your post wording sits very fakely... an awful lot of virtue signalling and buzz wording about foster caring, cost of living crisis, the best interest of children and kids being 'completely horrified' at an expensive gift but you also completely changed the point from it being a power play where the kids defying you to now the kid actually not wanting any part of it. Makes no sense.

I take your point that I am delusional and now flakey too. Don't quite understand what you mean about virtue signalling and using buzz words, but perhaps that is my problem. I apologise for making no sense. I'll leave this thread to those of who understand far more than I do. Best wishes.

Oh bless you for saying that. I'll know better than to ever give my opinion on here again - did not know I was quite so awful (but I do now!).

Only to one poster, apparently @cornishcrusader
Don't assume they're representative

Or necessarily nice 🤷‍♀️

You sound like a great and experienced foster carer. Thank you for the work you do. I didn’t really understand what point that person was making.