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Original poster

Teen and her prom dress

138 replies

Promdressproblem · 14/06/2023 22:14

My dd has her prom next week and she's tried her dress on this week and it's too small . She's been overindulging herself recently with iced coffees , crisps , chocolates, she has put on weight very quickly. She's quite curvy carrying her weight on her legs and shoulders and she can't zip it up .

So I asked her to basically go on a diet , go swimming , she has a proper swimming pool in the garden , explaining to her we can't just order her a new dress in a week so she thinks we can just take it to a seamstress ... taking NO responsibility to lose this weight so she can get Into the dress. Infact ignoring there is an issue .
However I explained to her sbout how much weight she's putting on is an issue too and perhaps exercise and diet wouldn't hurt her ..

She also doesn't live with me and her family are basically under the impression that if her dress doesn't fit, she's not willing to lose weight and try to get the dress to fit that I'm basically pampering her if I try to find a new dress rather than make her take the consequences...

I feel her prom is the most important day so far and I feel like she's almost being body shamed at 16 for putting on weight . I get it , she's been over eating and should face consequences for that but surely not at the expense of her prom ?

I can't see the wood for the trees right now coz I want to pull out a new dress at the last second rather than have her disappointed but her family don't seem too happy with that and want her to realise you've got to put effort into everything you want in life.

She's a size 12-14 not massive but she has had a lot of negativity (not from me) around her weight recently and I worry this could spark eating issues with her so for the sake of £50 and getting her a new dress I wonder if it's worth it?

Or am I infact bailing her out again and instead she needs to face the consequences of over eating and potentially miss her prom ?

Voting ... I'm being unreasonable she should miss the prom due to her not taking responsibility

I'm NOT being unreasonable... just buy her a new dress !!

OP posts:
Scirocco · 15/06/2023 09:00

If she's in foster care, then it's really important that @Promdressproblem and her dd's foster carers communicate if possible to reach a mutually agreed plan.

Don't do a 'Disney Mum' and magically produce the perfect dress as a last minute surprise. That'll just undermine her foster carers and runs the risk of alienating them and you, when you need to demonstrate that you can work with them and the system.

Maybe try speaking to them in a balanced way, explaining your opinion on how much prom means to your dd and that you want to support her to be able to attend. You could also explain your concerns about the risks of attempting rapid weight loss and the negative effects on her self-esteem of being effectively told she's too fat for prom, when she really isn't! Your proposed approach could be something like:

  1. Reassurance and support that she is a worthwhile person and encouraging positive body image.

  2. Considering how you all can support her to eat more healthily and have a happier and more active lifestyle. Don't frame it as going on a diet though, you're wanting her to gain the confidence and skills to make healthy choices, not starve to fit in a dress.

  3. How can you all make it so she can go to prom and feel good? Does she have an alternative dress that could be made prom-ready with some accessories? Could you and the foster carers each put in half and buy her a new dress (there are plenty of nice dresses available that wouldn't break the bank)? If she agrees to sell the other dress, could you and the foster carers give her an advance of the equivalent amount of money so she can buy a dress and then pay you back?

Look at this as an opportunity to demonstrate to the foster carers and any other relevant professionals that you can reflect and work with them to help reach a positive result for your dd, looking at the longer term as well as the immediate issue of the prom dress.

ClairDeLaLune · 15/06/2023 09:01

LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:06

Prom is not an important day. Exams and the results are far more important, don't pander to this excuse to harm the planet by yet more single use clothing.

Umm have you heard of Vinted? Wind your neck in you joy sponge!

Monster80 · 15/06/2023 09:02

Ask her to sell the old dress (and any other clothes that don’t fit) on ebay. Tell her you will both these funds to purchase a new dress for her, a lesson in entrepreneurship and budgeting all in one. Obviously the bad food choices/ exercise need working on, but messaging around this and the negative impact of body shame needs careful consideration.

monsteramunch · 15/06/2023 09:06

@LlynTegid

Prom is not an important day. Exams and the results are far more important, don't pander to this excuse to harm the planet by yet more single use clothing.

So this young girl, currently in care, should be told she can't got to prom with all her peers? That will be great got her mental health.

JusthereforXmas · 15/06/2023 09:12

This is even more confusing now... if your such an adoring mother with mental capability, shes sixteen (not a newborn relying on physical abilities) and decent enough finance to buy a last minute prom dress then why is she in foster care?

I know foster care can pop up for lots of reasons like say if a single mother with no family is rushed into hospital or sudden homelessness etc... but you clearly seem to have the money and ability to be sorting a prom so nothing like that makes sense. You also say 'her family' as if this is very long term, they aren't her family (especially not if she still has a good relationship with bio parents and its short term) unless they adopted her.

If she is in foster care and doing exams (so unlikely to be working right now) where is she getting money to over indulge in all these ice coffees and such? those things add up in price real quick.

SkyandSurf · 15/06/2023 09:12

LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:06

Prom is not an important day. Exams and the results are far more important, don't pander to this excuse to harm the planet by yet more single use clothing.

I literally work in sustainability.

I don't think the burden of saving the planet should be borne by a teenage girl in foster care, especially while wealthy people literally have rooms full of clothes they'll never wear.

JusthereforXmas · 15/06/2023 09:13

Also if she can afford all these things why can't she buy her own dress?

VivaLesTartes · 15/06/2023 09:18

No ones loosing a dress size in a week it's just not happening.

When did she get the dress? Has she really put on weight or is the dress just the wrong size? Can't you return it and buy her a new one? ( Go to the shops and try it on. Tell her not to get hung up on the number of the size and just get what looks right and feels comfortable)

I was a 12 in my mid teens and really obsessed over it, basically not eating until I was an 8. It was a long time ago so I can't think what triggered it but please be kind and sensitive with her. Teach her healthy eating and excercise habits rather than suggesting she goes on a diet.

5128gap · 15/06/2023 09:21

Very surprised that people entrusted with the care of a looked after child would take this attitude. Your DD missing her prom is not the way to encourage a healthy lifestyle. There's something rather disturbing about the idea that weight gain should be punished with 'consequences' as though it were a deliberate act of misbehaviour. In your position I'd be raising this with her social worker as I'm fairly certain her carers are making an error of judgement here thst could have consequences far from what they intend.

Els1e · 15/06/2023 09:23

Good advice from @Scirocco . You’ve offered to help fund or source an alternative but wait to hear from the foster carer before taking any action. If you feel under pressure from your daughter, ask her to talk to her foster carer. It’s important that you work with the foster carer.

Dentistlakes · 15/06/2023 09:25

She’s not going to lose a significant amount of weight in such a short time. Buy her a new dress.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 15/06/2023 09:27

I'm horrified that a size 12-14 is considered negatively. That is madness, its a perfectly normal size! My own DD went beyond it but she was a 6ft amazon so could carry more weight.

ClaireEclair · 15/06/2023 09:33

I’ve been dieting for three weeks and have almost gone down a dress size. I’m calorie counting, no sugar, no bread, lots of salads and healthy protein and walking 20k steps a day. She will not be able to lose much weight in a week. Please buy her a new dress.

ClaireEclair · 15/06/2023 09:35

Also, size 12-14 is fine. Poor girl must be feeling awful if she’s being made to feel like putting on a bit of weight is the disaster you’re making it out to be!

zingally · 15/06/2023 09:37

This is all very contradictory. You're telling her to crash diet, and then being worried about sparking eating disorders and body issues.

Calm down and get her a new dress.

Alternatively, leave it to the family she lives with. Who, I'm sure, are DELIGHTED that the non-resident parent is telling the teenager that THEY live with day in, day out, that she's fat and needs to go on a crash diet.

zingally · 15/06/2023 09:41

I now see she's in foster care. Poor girl.

Pay for a new dress then NEVER mention her weight again. And FYI, the foster carers will have reported the "go on a diet" comments to her social worker.

You need to start backpedalling, and fast. Start with an apology and a "what can I do to fix this issue?"

potniatheron · 15/06/2023 09:55

Scirocco · 15/06/2023 09:00

If she's in foster care, then it's really important that @Promdressproblem and her dd's foster carers communicate if possible to reach a mutually agreed plan.

Don't do a 'Disney Mum' and magically produce the perfect dress as a last minute surprise. That'll just undermine her foster carers and runs the risk of alienating them and you, when you need to demonstrate that you can work with them and the system.

Maybe try speaking to them in a balanced way, explaining your opinion on how much prom means to your dd and that you want to support her to be able to attend. You could also explain your concerns about the risks of attempting rapid weight loss and the negative effects on her self-esteem of being effectively told she's too fat for prom, when she really isn't! Your proposed approach could be something like:

  1. Reassurance and support that she is a worthwhile person and encouraging positive body image.

  2. Considering how you all can support her to eat more healthily and have a happier and more active lifestyle. Don't frame it as going on a diet though, you're wanting her to gain the confidence and skills to make healthy choices, not starve to fit in a dress.

  3. How can you all make it so she can go to prom and feel good? Does she have an alternative dress that could be made prom-ready with some accessories? Could you and the foster carers each put in half and buy her a new dress (there are plenty of nice dresses available that wouldn't break the bank)? If she agrees to sell the other dress, could you and the foster carers give her an advance of the equivalent amount of money so she can buy a dress and then pay you back?

Look at this as an opportunity to demonstrate to the foster carers and any other relevant professionals that you can reflect and work with them to help reach a positive result for your dd, looking at the longer term as well as the immediate issue of the prom dress.

This is the only sensible and helpful post on here.

The others are either mean or just funny, like the one poster who said she doersn't understand snacks.

pikantna · 15/06/2023 10:23

Ugh

saltyseashell · 15/06/2023 10:24

zingally · 15/06/2023 09:41

I now see she's in foster care. Poor girl.

Pay for a new dress then NEVER mention her weight again. And FYI, the foster carers will have reported the "go on a diet" comments to her social worker.

You need to start backpedalling, and fast. Start with an apology and a "what can I do to fix this issue?"

Did you not read the whole post?

"She also doesn't live with me and her family are basically under the impression that if her dress doesn't fit, she's not willing to lose weight and try to get the dress to fit that I'm basically pampering her if I try to find a new dress rather than make her take the consequences..."

So the foster family are the ones really pushing the weight thing, not mum. It sounds like mum tried to advise her daughter before it was too late to lose some weight healthily and the foster family are taking this to the extreme by saying if she doesn't lose weight she doesn't get a new dress.

It's awful that this girl at a healthy 12-14 is being told to lose weight by anyone but the mum's approach is more sensible and not likely to leave the girl missing her own prom.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 15/06/2023 10:32

jesus fucking CHRIST,.

She needs to be PUNISHED for gaining weight?

Shes expected to crash diet to fit into a dress for an event in a weeks time?

You all sound fucking horrendous.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/06/2023 11:03

Royalbloo · 14/06/2023 22:36

How can you spoil a child in foster care.

I'm at a loss for words.

I was wondering that too
OP buy her a dress

ShimmeringShirts · 15/06/2023 11:25

If you still hold parental rights, buy her the dress and tell her foster carer that she will be going to the prom. Get the social worker involved too. At 16 is she not old enough to legally come home without the courts permission assuming that it is safe for her to do so, that you’re capable of caring for her and that you’re not facing any issues yourself where her coming home would cause her or you harm?

Catspyjamas17 · 15/06/2023 11:38

I hope this isn't real.

J0S · 15/06/2023 11:38

@Promdressproblem

If you genuinely have your DDs best interests at heart then I suggest you work with the fosters carers to find a solution on this. And all the other issues you have that prevent you caring for your own child.

In the same way that teens often play off one parent against another, they often do this between their parents and foster carers. Teens who have lived in the care system sometimes use lies and manipulation as coping skills to deal with their situation. As do some adults.

It’s also very difficult to find good Fc placements for teens, many only take younger children.

so its EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you work with them to identify and solve this problem @Promdressproblem .

Confusedmumannoyedson · 15/06/2023 12:05

zingally · 15/06/2023 09:37

This is all very contradictory. You're telling her to crash diet, and then being worried about sparking eating disorders and body issues.

Calm down and get her a new dress.

Alternatively, leave it to the family she lives with. Who, I'm sure, are DELIGHTED that the non-resident parent is telling the teenager that THEY live with day in, day out, that she's fat and needs to go on a crash diet.

This.