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Original poster

Teen and her prom dress

138 replies

Promdressproblem · 14/06/2023 22:14

My dd has her prom next week and she's tried her dress on this week and it's too small . She's been overindulging herself recently with iced coffees , crisps , chocolates, she has put on weight very quickly. She's quite curvy carrying her weight on her legs and shoulders and she can't zip it up .

So I asked her to basically go on a diet , go swimming , she has a proper swimming pool in the garden , explaining to her we can't just order her a new dress in a week so she thinks we can just take it to a seamstress ... taking NO responsibility to lose this weight so she can get Into the dress. Infact ignoring there is an issue .
However I explained to her sbout how much weight she's putting on is an issue too and perhaps exercise and diet wouldn't hurt her ..

She also doesn't live with me and her family are basically under the impression that if her dress doesn't fit, she's not willing to lose weight and try to get the dress to fit that I'm basically pampering her if I try to find a new dress rather than make her take the consequences...

I feel her prom is the most important day so far and I feel like she's almost being body shamed at 16 for putting on weight . I get it , she's been over eating and should face consequences for that but surely not at the expense of her prom ?

I can't see the wood for the trees right now coz I want to pull out a new dress at the last second rather than have her disappointed but her family don't seem too happy with that and want her to realise you've got to put effort into everything you want in life.

She's a size 12-14 not massive but she has had a lot of negativity (not from me) around her weight recently and I worry this could spark eating issues with her so for the sake of £50 and getting her a new dress I wonder if it's worth it?

Or am I infact bailing her out again and instead she needs to face the consequences of over eating and potentially miss her prom ?

Voting ... I'm being unreasonable she should miss the prom due to her not taking responsibility

I'm NOT being unreasonable... just buy her a new dress !!

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:06

Prom is not an important day. Exams and the results are far more important, don't pander to this excuse to harm the planet by yet more single use clothing.

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 07:10

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 06:35

I don’t understand why people always have to “order” things, especially clothes, with the consequent risks of them not fitting, not arriving, not being the right item and so on. Unless one lives miles from anywhere with no transport (as some people do, TBF), most reasonable sized towns have lots of shops that are stuffed to the rafters with dresses of all shapes, styles and sizes.
Just buy a dress that fits.

You don’t understand? Really?

Well for a start, shops don’t have all the sizes. My nearest shopping is on oxford st with huge shops and even they don’t stock everything. Some have jobs or childcare issues which makes going to the shops difficult. Some people feel self-conscious in changing rooms. It can be helpful to try clothes on at home with accessories etc. Some people just can’t be bothered.

It amuses me when people say they don’t ‘understand’ basic stuff just because they do things differently. Like a previous thread about ‘i don’t understand snacks’. Yes, sure ;-)

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 07:11

LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:06

Prom is not an important day. Exams and the results are far more important, don't pander to this excuse to harm the planet by yet more single use clothing.

What should the girl do in this case?

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2023 07:17

You could buy her a strechy dress in size 14 as a back up, and leave with them. I doubt she'd lose the weight in 7 days. However they are correct to encourage excerise and eating healthier. I was an obese child because that was how my parents showed their love, through food. A close friend of the family explained to me that I had too much fay because I wasn't excerising enough and ate fatty foods. I had no idea. I'm so grateful to that person for changing my mindset with knowledge at an early age. You should encourage your daughter to eat better, for her heart and mental well being.

runningonberocca · 15/06/2023 07:17

What have I just read? Making her “ face the consequences “ of overeating? The poor kid.
Buy her a new dress. Tell her she looks beautiful. Build up her self esteem. Please don’t set her up for lifelong issues with body image and disordered eating. I really feel for her…

LemonjeIIo · 15/06/2023 07:20

Promdressproblem · 14/06/2023 22:31

I'm her mum and completely want to get her a new dress but she's in Foster care and I apparently spoil her far too much .

I will order her a new dress coz I don't agree with the situation but I was starting to feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting to make her feel special on her day .
I've asked her carer tonight if we could just buy her a dress I'll pay for it and she's read it and hasn't replied.

I have genuinely got my dds best interests at heart and this will cause a major issue me buying a new dress but I don't care , she deserves to feel special not left out and punished for putting on weight !!! I will order her something and take the consequences .

Hi there 👋
Could you get her the same dress in a bigger size? If you can get something for £50, you should. Don't feel bad, you should indulge her this time

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 07:20

You don’t understand? Really?

Obviously there are circumstances where it’s difficult, and in that case it makes sense. But in general it seems to make clothes shopping unnecessarily complicated. And I speak as someone who has had the full deck of ft work, children, SP, caring responsibilities, limited transport and so on, in my day.
But I don’t understand snacks either, unless it’s impossible to have a meal at the usual time or there are other good reasons for snacking, so we will have to disagree on that too.

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 07:22

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 07:20

You don’t understand? Really?

Obviously there are circumstances where it’s difficult, and in that case it makes sense. But in general it seems to make clothes shopping unnecessarily complicated. And I speak as someone who has had the full deck of ft work, children, SP, caring responsibilities, limited transport and so on, in my day.
But I don’t understand snacks either, unless it’s impossible to have a meal at the usual time or there are other good reasons for snacking, so we will have to disagree on that too.

It must be tough for you. There must be so much in your life that you don’t understand. Many people do things differently to me; I still understand why they do it though. Your world sounds like a confusing place!

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 07:28

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 07:22

It must be tough for you. There must be so much in your life that you don’t understand. Many people do things differently to me; I still understand why they do it though. Your world sounds like a confusing place!

Show quote history

No, just online shopping and snacks. Other than that, I navigate the world comfortably and without confusion.

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 07:30

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 07:28

No, just online shopping and snacks. Other than that, I navigate the world comfortably and without confusion.

Show quote history

That’s good to know. Hope the other two issues get cleared up for you eventually ;-)

CharlotteRumpling · 15/06/2023 07:33

FGS buy her a new dress, and bring the exercise up later, gently.

Vanessalago · 15/06/2023 07:35

Hi:
my son is scheduled to have the grommets operation tomorrow, but I have a lot of doubts.
He has glue ear in one ear, he never get ear infections and seems to hear fine.
He has autism and is non-verbal.
I always had to pushed the doctors to do the operation.
The audiologist said that his overall hearing is fine and has enough hearing for speech.
My son love go under water all the time and I am concern that he might develop infections after the operation.
also, I’m worried of the general anaesthetic.
what would you do in my case?
Thank you

JaukiVexnoydi · 15/06/2023 07:36

The responsibility here is with whoever spent money on a prom dress long enough before the event that it was possible for her to grow that much, and to buy a dress that couldn't easily cope with expansion. Of course teen girls grow they are still developing.

Presumably the unwanted dress can be returned or sold to a different prom attendee. Buy a dress that fits. Make her pay the money back out of pocket money over the next 6 months if necessary.

As for suggesting she doesn't go at all without the right dress, that's ridiculous and offensive. The main point is for her to be there at a celebratory event. She could go wearing her own creation made from bin liners and sack cloth if she chose to. A woman isn't a vehicle for decorating a room with pretty dresses. She gets to go in her own right as a human being, wearing whatever she is comfortable in.
,

Baldieheid · 15/06/2023 07:36

I doubt a dressmaker could fit this in with a week to go. We're working on weddings right now!!

Buy her a bigger dress, sell the too small one and recoup your money. I don't think it's a bad lesson for her to learn at 16, that an important dress should be tried on regularly in the build up to the event and small adjustments made to food and exercise if needed.

My niece did exactly the same thing. 2 weeks of no sweeties or fizzy drinks (no other changes) did the trick and her zip went up no problem.

Alstoybarn · 15/06/2023 07:38

This is all just bizzare

ArcticSkewer · 15/06/2023 07:41

ChatGPT has a lot to answer for.

Buy a new dress and solve your problem

mycoffeecup · 15/06/2023 07:42

Vanessalago · 15/06/2023 07:35

Hi:
my son is scheduled to have the grommets operation tomorrow, but I have a lot of doubts.
He has glue ear in one ear, he never get ear infections and seems to hear fine.
He has autism and is non-verbal.
I always had to pushed the doctors to do the operation.
The audiologist said that his overall hearing is fine and has enough hearing for speech.
My son love go under water all the time and I am concern that he might develop infections after the operation.
also, I’m worried of the general anaesthetic.
what would you do in my case?
Thank you

you need to make your own post, you're on a thread about prom dresses! Grommets is a very safe operation.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 15/06/2023 07:42

I think the deeper issue here isn’t the dress, but the lack of consistency in the messages she is receiving. How is she developing trust, if she is being told one thing, ‘take responsibility’, then the complete opposite. Not to mention how ‘no’ from the family caring for her, translates to ‘yes’ from her biological mother, who isn’t caring for her.

So many conflicting messages, that she’ll be left unpicking throughout her life. Her whole life is way more important than one day.

A way of acknowledging the original messages you were both giving her might be to all discuss with her how she is beautiful regardless, but we all put on weight when we overindulge. The consequence of that is her dress no longer fits. She can either move more, eat less to get back into it, or earn a bit of money by doing jobs around the house, to buy herself something affordable that fits. She’ll develop self reliance and understand the value of money.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 15/06/2023 08:00

borntobequiet · 15/06/2023 07:20

You don’t understand? Really?

Obviously there are circumstances where it’s difficult, and in that case it makes sense. But in general it seems to make clothes shopping unnecessarily complicated. And I speak as someone who has had the full deck of ft work, children, SP, caring responsibilities, limited transport and so on, in my day.
But I don’t understand snacks either, unless it’s impossible to have a meal at the usual time or there are other good reasons for snacking, so we will have to disagree on that too.

But I don’t understand snacks either

I can't think what you're struggling with, but if you don't understand snacks then the various benefits of online shopping will definitely be beyond your wit. Just trust us, there are good reasons it suits many people. Don't worry about it.

SocialLite · 15/06/2023 08:04

Obviously there's a lot going on in the background on this. Some people have made some really unfair comments and obviously don't understand the care system all that well.

Is she in long term foster care? That would easily explain you referring to them as her family, among other circumstances I can think of, that's just most likely.

I assume in this circumstance you still have PR along with the local authority? If you and the foster carers disagree on how to proceed, get in touch with her social worker.

FloofCloud · 15/06/2023 08:10

She's in care, so she's probably hit issues about other things and deals with that on a daily basis. I think you need to back off the body shaming, and her 'family' too and get her a dress so she can have a good prom. FWIW my DD is 14, has body dysmorphia and her horrible grandma has said awful things about her weight (size 12-14 but is 5'9") and, already having MH issues, ASD and self harming, Began self harming again ... so please, don't shame her and don't allow others to

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/06/2023 08:11

It's her dress. If she doesn't want to try and lose weight (would that even be possible in the time?) then you can help her sell it and then buy something else from somewhere cheap/ second hand etc with the money she makes from the dress

L3ThirtySeven · 15/06/2023 08:18

YABVU
This whole shame on you, you’ve gotten fat, you must starve yourself this week to fit in a dress. Shame on you is what you mean when you say to her that she is responsible for weight gain. This is fat shaming and so fucking damaging to a young girls psyche.

Shes not going to lose the weight safely in a week either- you’re adversely impacting her health by shaming her into a crash diet.

Just take the dress to a seamstress to let out.

ilovesushi · 15/06/2023 08:40

At that age her body shape and weight will be fluctuating. Don't impose on her feelings of guilt and shame around her body. Get the dress altered or get a new one. She should feel proud and happy at prom.

CharlotteRumpling · 15/06/2023 08:50

It's quite normal for teens to snack. Mine eat a ton of junk during exams and them improve their diet rest of the time. They are both lucky to be genetically very slim. Please don't harangue her and make her face "consequences."