To say no to social services re: my niece and nephews...

[mrsneate]

To cut a long story short, this is the fourth time in 9 years social services are involved with my brother and his children.

The first time. I drove 200 miles with no notice to collect Brother and his three kids. They lived with me for 8 months. It was hell. Small 3 bed house, 3 children of my own and my ex husband (we were still married) I supported them all financially, got them into schools, he was then given a council property, the children were taken off the register (on it because of their mum)

Fast forward 3 years, a neighbour reported him for various things. They were put back on the register, my brother worked with them, I supported him.

18 months ago, 2am police knock on my door with my eldest nephew. (16 at this point!) him and dad had gotten into a physical fight, could I take him, of course I said yes, the next day social worker came round, when police had entered their property. It was t fit to live in. Stinking dirty, rubbish everywhere.

Me and my SIL (other brothers wife) went round, and blitzed his house, I did 20 loads of washing, 16 dishwasher cycles. The house was spotless.

They asked me to take all 3. I couldn't, I work full time night shifts and was a single parent, my nephew was with me for 10 weeks with no support from
Social services or my brother financial or otherwise, then my nephew was 17 and could decide he wanted to go home. He went home. Case was closed

This week, I randomly had a phone call from a social worker. There had been an anonymous report from someone that he was leaving the youngest alone for long periods (she's 11) and there was no food in the house. He's drinking all the time, the house is a state.

I only ever see my brother these days when he pops to my house with my niece. She always looks clean.

They told me it's looking like it's going down the route of removing the children (11 and 16?) and would I be in a position to take them in, until he decides to cooperate and work with them, told them no, although I'm no longer single, my fiancé works away for months at a time and I still work night shifts, and still only live in a 3 bed house with 2 of my boys (oldest has moved out) she got really arrogant with me after that. I pointed out they need to stop closing the case, keep them on the register.

But guilt is eating me up, there has been a suggestion they go back to their mother. But that will be a disaster. I have text my brother and offered to help him clean the house. Again, but I am
Pissed off with him, and it's annoying me that he keeps having passes because he's a male single parent! He works school hours and earns good money, he's not skint.

What would you do?

Does your other brother ever get asked to help? What’s his situation?
And what’s the situation with the children’s mum? Is she completely unfit? I know that you said that they had suggested it but has she changed from when they were first removed?

What a shit thing to say, They aren't your responsibility. Social services are the ones who have failed them by constantly closing the case and want to pass the buck.
Dig in your heels and refuse. What about other brothers house, have they asked if they can take them?

@Quitelikeit OP has specifically said she wasn't allowed into the house so how could she have known how dirty it was or what the kids habe gone through on a daily basis. Are you blaming OP for how her brother treated his own kids. She has 3 of her own, works full time nights, gone through a divorce, taken her nephew in. Is she supposed to break into her brother's house on a daily basis and cook and clean for that family too, monitor all behaviour?
They have been on SS's radar for years, been taken on amd off the register repeatedly, they've passed buck to OP every time. But yes, it's all OP's fault, isn't it?

Do you live in social housing?
If so you would be a priority for a larger property

I don't. We own our house and we have worked hard to buy our beautiful home for my boys.. moving isn't an option

Yes it's super easy to get a 3-4 bed, definitely not a 5-10 year wait. 🧐

I'm not sure SS can magic Foster parents or homes out of a hat on request because someone wants to keep their extended family close by so they can have them twice a week, in between working full-time nights and looking after her own kids. Pretty sure it doesn't work like that.

Other brother is in similar situation. Except 3 kids in a 3 bed house.

Our parents are too old/poorly

They were removed from their mother as she kept leaving them alone for days. She tried to set the house on fire, she smashed up my brothers car with them inside, (this was 2013!)

She has another baby, but when the children go down their to stay she rings my brother after a few days to collect them as she can't cope, they aren't the easiest of children with their mental health 🥲

Don’t offer - wait to be asked formally once a decision has been made to remove them. If it’s an alternative to care there are duties owed to you and to them. If you offer, they may treat it as a family arrangement and leave you high and dry.

If they decide they are going to remove the children and apply for a care order then you’ll have a difficult decision to make. But nobody should judge you for saying no.

Of course you’d want to say yes but it sounds like you don’t have the capacity to, and that’s ok. Don’t feel forced. This is emotionally tough.

I had to take my teen sister in. It broke our family for a year, it was too much and I thought I could do it but I underestimated it. She did eventually move into a foster placement and honestly, it was great all round, she loved the foster carer and she had some positive friendships from it.
I just wanted to give you a positive slant because I know there are many others

Please make a formal complaint about this social worker. YANBU - your own children are your responsibility and they will suffer. How are you expected to work night shifts and arrange care for the 11 yearold? ? The social worker's response is disgusting. If you take them, with SGO, you will reveive NO support. I'm so sorry you are getting a hard time here OP.

Sorry if this is missing the forest for the trees but if he earns good money, I don't see why him hiring help isn't an option? Eg a regular cleaner arrangement to keep the house clean, or a nanny, or even some form of regular meal delivery service.

If there's alcoholism related abuse that's another story. If however he's just (I say just but you know what I mean) negligent, can he not put in place this practical paid support? I don't think outsourcing help is a long term solution (or even a solution frankly) in the least but for now, could you not look into that? And then maybe visit the kids to give them emotional support when you can, though of course you should rightly focus on your own family and your own needs first.

If you don't have the space then that's decided for you.
I would just try and make sure you keep in contact with them, you sound like such a lovely auntie, they will appreciate any effort you make as they grow up.

You can’t take the children in at yours which is perfectly reasonable but could you or another family member organise a monthly cleaner for db’s house and a regular food delivery when the children are there to take it in? Or have them to yours to eat a couple of times a week?
You sound as if you’ve done so much to support everyone that you must be exasperated.

Me personally I don't think I couldn't take them but I would be yelling at social workers to help me figure out if I could afford to and looking at what I could claim for support, financially and otherwise

But I'm not the mother of 2 boys and it would negatively affect some families

This

Are you able to take the children in as fosters? As in, you then get funded for doing so- not suggesting it’s about money, but do SS expect you to do it for free? It’s a big ask when you don’t have room and need to provide food, clothing, along with anything else they need.

Those poor children. It’s not your responsibility at all. Awful position to be in.

Sad though the situation is for the kids you need to put your own family first. You’ve given your brother umpteen chances and he keeps failing. You can still keep in touch with them and give emotional support but you don’t have the room and your own kids will suffer

I would have to leave my job. My career I have worked so hard for and my very much adored job. Which wouldn't be so easy to get back into as its specialist. (Nicu nurse) my boys wouldn't get the nice things they get now, which sounds selfish but I lived as a single mum in poverty for many many years with them 🥲

I'd take them.

Could the 19 year old sibling be supported to care for them?

Whatever happens, it's incredibly sad for the children involved.

Thank you 😊

We can all see from your posts OP you have gone above and beyond for your niece and nephews. Your brother is a disgrace and SS should not be blaming you, they should be coming up with options. I think putting them into Foster Care close to you, so they could visit one day over the weekend and one evening a week would make the children realise you care about them. I'm a Foster Carer and my Foster Son wants for nothing. We pay for him to have a tutor each week to keep up with school work. He has lots of hobbies and activities. Tuesday karate, Wednesday Crav Magar, Thursday cricket training, Friday he coaches cricket to 7 year olds. Saturday he's playing cricket and DH and I pack a picnic and go and watch him play from 12.30 until often 8.30pm. Often cricket match on Sunday too. DH plays chess with him. I bake with him. We take him bowling, cinema and ice skating at half term. We are mostly funding him to go on a cricket tour to Dubai in October half term costing £3k. SS are contributing £400. We take him on foreign holidays each year and lots of meals out. He has lived with us since he was 5 and he's now 16. He has some learning disabilities and will have a home with us as long as he wants it, just like my own boys had. He gets the same spent on him as my adult children at Xmas and birthday. I'm just telling you this so you know all foster care is not poor quality and horrible for children because it's not. Often Foster Care can be a good option, especially if the children can stay together and still have family visits.

You mention another sil who helped you clean. Where is your other brother in this?