Friend’s 40th dinner!!

GCalltheway · 2023-06-13T18:06:48+00:00

Long standing friendship has run into difficulties the last few years, we both have other friendship circles, but we always used to make time for each other. It came to a head a few times when she didn’t invite me to special occasions she was having but invited other mutual friends, and rather than ghost her I was honest, I felt the friendship had cooled and if she wanted it to continue she would have to make an effort. I had still continued to include her but I was tired of it being one sided. Nothing changed and I stopped inviting her to stuff and moved on, she would get annoyed if not invited. We have barely spoken since Xmas apart from the odd text. Fast forward friend is 40 having a dinner in London early Aug and has invited me. I have tried to organise a coffee with her to talk things through, but she is always too busy apparently. I have no idea what to do. It’s a special birthday and maybe she is trying to mend broken fences but then why not meet up? Or has she invited me out of obligation? What do you make of it? Would you go? Or not?

AussiUnHomme · 13/06/2023 19:12

Say no thank you and keep moving on with your life.

Happytohelp2 · 13/06/2023 19:13

You’re overthinking this. Go if you want to, don’t if you rather not. It doesn’t have to be a drama.

roundtable · 13/06/2023 19:16

Did you post about this before op? The original issue of things being one-sided?

I think you have to decide if you want to smooth waters or not. Do you have mutual friends attending? If it will be a fun occasion then I would do it. If not, i would make apologies.

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:21

roundtable · 13/06/2023 19:16

Did you post about this before op? The original issue of things being one-sided?

I think you have to decide if you want to smooth waters or not. Do you have mutual friends attending? If it will be a fun occasion then I would do it. If not, i would make apologies.

Yes - thank you for remembering, it’s been very tricky.

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Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:22

I don’t actually know if I’ll enjoy it, I wish I could say.

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PoppedNotFried · 13/06/2023 19:25

I’d disregard the wider context and make the decision solely on whether I want to go. If you do, go. If you don’t, whatever the reason, decline.

LoudestRoar · 13/06/2023 19:26

I think she's in a win win situation here. Either you go, and she'll feel great because you've made the effort, and give her attention. If so, she'll go right back to her old ways.
Or, you don't go, and that'll be the reason she tells everyone that you're no longer friends, and she gets the sympathy vote.

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:30

LoudestRoar · 13/06/2023 19:26

I think she's in a win win situation here. Either you go, and she'll feel great because you've made the effort, and give her attention. If so, she'll go right back to her old ways.
Or, you don't go, and that'll be the reason she tells everyone that you're no longer friends, and she gets the sympathy vote.

Precisely! She has played a blinder. If I don’t go it looks like sour grapes, and rejecting her efforts and if I do go she restarts the game playing.
It’s a small place. A social misstep or faux pas is not advisable.

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WhyDoesItAlways · 13/06/2023 19:31

I don't understand. She wasn't inviting you to stuff, you spoke to her about it and now she's invited you to something and you don't want to go?

Are you thinking that she's only inviting you because you confronted her about things being one sided or do you think she actually wants you there? I don't think you'd find out which without going. I would go and if I didn't enjoy/got a vibe that I wasn't that wanted then I would leave the friendship there. But I don't think you'll get answers if you don't go.

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:33

WhyDoesItAlways · 13/06/2023 19:31

I don't understand. She wasn't inviting you to stuff, you spoke to her about it and now she's invited you to something and you don't want to go?

Are you thinking that she's only inviting you because you confronted her about things being one sided or do you think she actually wants you there? I don't think you'd find out which without going. I would go and if I didn't enjoy/got a vibe that I wasn't that wanted then I would leave the friendship there. But I don't think you'll get answers if you don't go.

Yes in some ways that’s it, she has played games before and I am more cautious around her now. I don’t know if the invitation is genuine or not. It’s not straight forward.

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OldHouseLover · 13/06/2023 19:35

Why can't you just go, in the full knowledge that it's a one off & not necessarily heralding a whole new start to the friendship? Play her at her own game & don't let her be the one who can control the story of why you aren't friends.

Go, have a nice night, next day resume business as usual of getting on with your life as you have been already..

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:38

OldHouseLover · 13/06/2023 19:35

Why can't you just go, in the full knowledge that it's a one off & not necessarily heralding a whole new start to the friendship? Play her at her own game & don't let her be the one who can control the story of why you aren't friends.

Go, have a nice night, next day resume business as usual of getting on with your life as you have been already..

I could definitely do that. I was thinking that would be the best option. I can’t be past my internal warning system that says don’t open the door to this again. It would make it easier for others and would be in a better place potentially.

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ShandaLear · 13/06/2023 19:38

If other friends will be going and you’d like to catch up with them then go - bright and breezy - kiss kiss, modest gift or bottle of Prosecco - don’t put too much thought into it - then off home at the end of the night and don’t contact her again. If you don’t want to go just plead a prior engagement - ‘I’m really sorry, it’s Harold’s mum’s birthday bash and we’re already committed to that. Hope you have a fab time.’

ShivWambsgans · 13/06/2023 19:40

You can decline without looking like sour grapes. What a shame it is the same day your cousin is getting married, you have a work function, or you‘ve booked a holiday.

Thoughtful2355 · 13/06/2023 19:51

Did you give good birthday presents?? Maybe she's waning a present 🤣 tbh I wouldn't go. No point if the relationship has sizzled out

TiaraBoo · 13/06/2023 19:53

Do you have other friends going? And is it reasonably close/straightforward to get to?
If yes, I’d go. If no, I’d book a holiday and blame someone else and complain about how you really wanted to go and ‘connect’ with her.

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 19:54

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:30

Precisely! She has played a blinder. If I don’t go it looks like sour grapes, and rejecting her efforts and if I do go she restarts the game playing.
It’s a small place. A social misstep or faux pas is not advisable.

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Seems like an overly dramatic interpretation. You're vastly overthinking all of this.

Do you want to go? Then go. Do you not? Then don't. No need for any of the angst or silliness.

Cammac · 13/06/2023 19:56

If you want to go and look forward to catching up with other people then go. If you’re not interested tell DF you have other plans.

I’m not sure why you think random strangers will know the answer tbh.

What are you afraid of if you decline the invitation?

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 19:57

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 19:54

Seems like an overly dramatic interpretation. You're vastly overthinking all of this.

Do you want to go? Then go. Do you not? Then don't. No need for any of the angst or silliness.

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You clearly don’t live in a tiny English hamlet

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neighboroo · 13/06/2023 19:57

I think that given you have been honest, open and direct about how you think things are and she doesn't seem to have taken that on board, and given you don't seem to want to go and yet fear the repercussions of not going then I would sadly inform her that you're delighted to be invited but have a holiday/wedding/other non movable booking that day.

Then I'd just continue with the drift, personally.

Newusernameaug · 13/06/2023 19:58

I wouldn’t go.

I’ve been fucked around by people that sound like this. She wants you to go because a) it’s a numbers game, for your 40th you want to look popular, b) people might ask why you’re not there and again, you want to appear popular, c) as others have said, she can say you snubbed her 40th and make herself into the victim.

I’d only go if she was willing to meet face to face first to talk things through as that shows she values your friendship and is serious about making an effort.

However how is get that is turn in around so I’d say, thank you for invitation. I’d love to come, however feeling anxious, and don’t want to trigger any negative emotions on day of your party for either of us, can we meet and have a hug & catch up first?

If she then refuses this, wont acknowledge if you mention you’d fee anxious not speaking first then she’s a total dick and you probably wouldn’t want her in your life anyway! And you also then have a justified reason not to go and a ‘story’ to tell!

wildfirewonder · 13/06/2023 20:05

I'd just give a polite excuse. This is all too much drama. You don't have to care what she thinks.

Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:06

Newusernameaug · 13/06/2023 19:58

I wouldn’t go.

I’ve been fucked around by people that sound like this. She wants you to go because a) it’s a numbers game, for your 40th you want to look popular, b) people might ask why you’re not there and again, you want to appear popular, c) as others have said, she can say you snubbed her 40th and make herself into the victim.

I’d only go if she was willing to meet face to face first to talk things through as that shows she values your friendship and is serious about making an effort.

However how is get that is turn in around so I’d say, thank you for invitation. I’d love to come, however feeling anxious, and don’t want to trigger any negative emotions on day of your party for either of us, can we meet and have a hug & catch up first?

If she then refuses this, wont acknowledge if you mention you’d fee anxious not speaking first then she’s a total dick and you probably wouldn’t want her in your life anyway! And you also then have a justified reason not to go and a ‘story’ to tell!

That is exactly how I feel, and what is needed. Thank you.

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Original poster

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:11

wildfirewonder · 13/06/2023 20:05

I'd just give a polite excuse. This is all too much drama. You don't have to care what she thinks.

It has been too much drama but I live here. It’s not as simple as not caring about it. We have a whole host of joint friendships, kids that overlap and I have to be careful.

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wildfirewonder · 13/06/2023 20:17

GCalltheway · 13/06/2023 20:11

It has been too much drama but I live here. It’s not as simple as not caring about it. We have a whole host of joint friendships, kids that overlap and I have to be careful.

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Well you are certain that you have to careful but many of us do not live life this way, we are free of this anxiety.

I personally think creating all the drama about needing to meet first etc. is more embarrassing.