Friend’s 40th dinner!!

[GCalltheway]

Long standing friendship has run into difficulties the last few years, we both have other friendship circles, but we always used to make time for each other.
It came to a head a few times when she didn’t invite me to special occasions she was having but invited other mutual friends, and rather than ghost her I was honest, I felt the friendship had cooled and if she wanted it to continue she would have to make an effort. I had still continued to include her but I was tired of it being one sided.

Nothing changed and I stopped inviting her to stuff and moved on, she would get annoyed if not invited. We have barely spoken since Xmas apart from the odd text.

Fast forward friend is 40 having a dinner in London early Aug and has invited me. I have tried to organise a coffee with her to talk things through, but she is always too busy apparently.
I have no idea what to do. It’s a special birthday and maybe she is trying to mend broken fences but then why not meet up? Or has she invited me out of obligation? What do you make of it? Would you go? Or not?

Hello OP - I have been in a similar situation to you although am much older. I had the angst, the worry about offending, about perhaps misjudging stuff but then I realised that this was really the oldest gaslighting trick. It took a long time and I didn't find it easy but I walked away. I continue to walk away from anything that requires me to second-guess myself (beyond that which is at an acceptable level - I suspect we all second-guess from time to time). If I am with someone and I don't feel as happy or comfortable as I should then I get out. Life goes on.

That is bloody excellent advice.

The anxiety IS the warning signal that this person isn’t good for us. We are told loud and clear if only we can heed.. And you learnt to do just that.

It’s made me think about all of my friendships really carefully. I like the idea of never double guessing/ feeling anxious - doubting myself.

I am beginning to realise I do have a choice.

OP on MN many people are cynical and ready to cut off someone for the tiniest thing so remember that is the general way friendship threads go. I think your friend is your friend, and is inviting you to the birthday because she likes you and wants you to be there. Some people are embarrassed or clumsy with apologies, but actions speak louder than words. She wouldn't invite you if she didn't want you to go

You have my empathy re small hamlet / village living. It can be stressful to navigate the politics and the cliques.

I'd just not bother with her if she can't be bothered doing a single coffee, but after what you've said about her character just put her at arms length anyway. Why would you want to have a coffee with her she sounds a right knobber 😂

I'd still go. A 40th to many is a big deal. Don't give her the opportunity to say 'oh well you never came to my 40th'. Don't allow her that ammunition. The smaller stuff can be sorted later, ie if you decide to let this friendship slip and fade away. You told her how her you were hurt when she never invited you to stuff, and now she has invited you to one of het big events. Just put on your big girl pants and go. You might even enjoy it! Deal with everything afterwards.

Wow. So. Much. Drama.

You are never going to know her motives for inviting you so why not just assume she wants you there?

Tbh if I were her and I read this thread I'd think you were a bit crazy.

I appreciate the earlier thread isn't linked here but there is a lot more to the Ops issues with friend than simply not being invited to events.

Then the OP should put that information in the opening post. That, or link to the earlier thread.
If she wants advice, then she has to give any relevant information, and not assume we are all either psychic, or all stalkers of other posters on here.

Most people will read the opening post and reply to the information they are given.

Do you want to go? Go.
if you don’t want to go. Don’t.

Why are you making it about her and what she wants?

"Most people will read the opening post and reply to the information they are given."

The Op's multiple posts made clear references to how her friend had behaved in a time of great stress for the Op. Little wonder then why she would be so nervous of what would otherwise have been a straightforward invitation.

Is OP not being honest? Please link to other thread.

She just wants to look popular. Nothing will change.

No I am definitely not suggesting that the Op has been dishonest - just that reading all of her replies is useful!

I appear to have derailed what was otherwise a supportive thread that has some very useful advice - I apologise for that.

I'll leave the thread but I hope the Op is feeling better about her choices.

Have you considered turning the tables on her? Maybe you could have “a lot of appointments” that week (implying medical) and won’t be up for it. You could suggest that she meets you for a coffee beforehand so you can give her her gift. Then chuck over a bottle of bubbly and see how she can twist that? I’d let mutual friends know that you had extended the invite, etc too.

The Op's multiple posts made clear references to how her friend had behaved in a time of great stress for the Op.

No, she's 'hinted at' and referred generally to things, but not told us what this woman has done.
Though, if she has treated her badly, then refer back to what several people have suggested on the thread - ie "Do you want to go / will you enjoy the occasion?- if so go."
If you don't like the person . don't want to go / don't think it will be enjoyable - don't go".

It is a social occasion. An optional thing that is there to make your evening / day / weekend more pleasant. If it won't, then don't go. Simple.

Do things from your own perspective. I'd lots of other friends are going you would enjoy it and it's the type of thing you'd like to go, go.

On the other hand, if you would only be going out of obligation and don't fancy it particularly don't.

I tend to treat friends/acquaintances the way they treat me now - I wouldn't obligate myself to do something for someone if I know it's not something they'd do for me.

So I'd view it either as a nice night out for myself to enjoy, or if not say I have another engagement but thanks for asking and carry on as usual.

I think the fact she has invited you to a group get together but declined a personal one to one coffee suggests she is uncomfortable with you now .
What would I do , I wouldn't go but then I'm old enough not to worry what others think . If I go to a birthday party / meal it's because I want to celebrate with a friend not be there to make the numbers up . On your situation you will have other friends there so you could go along , happy birthday , token gift , but mingle with other friends . At least they'll be no gossip about churlishness and then after the event I'd drift away from her .

You wanted her to make an effort and she has so either go or just delete her from your life. Decide what you want.

I think your friend has been fairly clear whats on offer here. The occasional invite to events, but nothing too heavy or one on one, no chats about the issues with the friendship etc.
Its entirely up to you whether you accept this level of relationship or not, but if that's all that's on the table there's no point pushing for more.
If she's fun and you think she will be laying on an event you'll enjoy, you've nothing to lose by going. If you think that won't feel enough and it will hurt to operate on that level, best to retain a distance. Personally if you don't go I'd make an excuse rather than try for a Big Talk. She's not interested in that and it will leave you feeling more rejected.

This. Also agree with PP she might feel uncomfortable that's why she's avoiding an individual catch up. Go to the party and see how it goes, you may be able to rebuild the friendship. Or don't, and don't worry about it, focus on your other friends. Your choice

Thank you for all of the different views, it has given me much to think about.

I agree she doesn’t want a deeper friendship, it’s very surface level stuff and that was fine in the past. I accept now I am older I prefer deeper connections and something more real. I have better quality friendships elsewhere.

She has also hurt me in the past by discussing very private medical issues with others, despite promising me she wouldn’t. Playing games and generally being manipulative. So much so I had to discuss it with her directly, because I had had enough. There is an uneasy truce now. Not very much contact. I don’t think I would ever bother again trying to talk about it, she can’t seem to take responsibility for her actions, and isn’t interested in the hurt she causes.

There is a long history here, we live in a small place anyone that has had this hamlet experience will know what I mean. It can make life very unpleasant. I am trying to avoid this.

I get the impression she still wants to be friends but won’t actually change or moderate the way she is. Yes she can be fun, which is why she gets away with more than most. Trying to be a Queen 🐝 of the village and surrounding areas. I have struggled firstly to see she was disingenuous and using me, and secondly to try and pull away and she wouldn’t let me.

My dear OP, take it from an old crone like me that people like her are butterflies and very manipulative. Must be the centre of attention etc.

I'm telling you now, I have been friends with people like her, but no longer! As we grow a bit older the day comes when you realise that it is bloody hard work keeping some friendships alive, usually at the expense of YOUR time, YOUR money, YOUR babysitting arrangements etc. and there is very little reciprocation.

I do realise how awkward it might be in a tiny place where everyone knows what you had for breakfast. However, believe me - if you just decide F that, I ain't going and she can have her birthday party with all her No1. fans without me - you could be very surprised at how many people will admire you and wish they had the balls to do the same! You might start a trend in fact.

To thine own self be true, decline graciously with a card and a little gift if you want, but don't go, it is not worth it being one of the "adoring audience" for this person. When you are sitting at home with a glass of your choice with your feet up and messy relaxed clothes on, you will be so glad. It will empower you!

This has nothing to do with where you live and everything to do with how you think and behave.

This is great

You have her totally nailed. That’s what she is. If it wasn’t damaging to others it wouldn’t matter. But I have seen it happen time and again. I have to be careful she isn’t going to reverse this, and make me look like the unkind one deliberately missing such a big birthday. Accepted that this needn’t matter if I stop caring what others think.