Friend’s 40th dinner!!

[GCalltheway]

Long standing friendship has run into difficulties the last few years, we both have other friendship circles, but we always used to make time for each other.
It came to a head a few times when she didn’t invite me to special occasions she was having but invited other mutual friends, and rather than ghost her I was honest, I felt the friendship had cooled and if she wanted it to continue she would have to make an effort. I had still continued to include her but I was tired of it being one sided.

Nothing changed and I stopped inviting her to stuff and moved on, she would get annoyed if not invited. We have barely spoken since Xmas apart from the odd text.

Fast forward friend is 40 having a dinner in London early Aug and has invited me. I have tried to organise a coffee with her to talk things through, but she is always too busy apparently.
I have no idea what to do. It’s a special birthday and maybe she is trying to mend broken fences but then why not meet up? Or has she invited me out of obligation? What do you make of it? Would you go? Or not?

Careful about what exactly? What are the actual consequences of you going or not going? It sounds like you need to care a lot less about what others think of you.

I am also one of life’s overthinkers, although more on work and myself than friendships.

This ex-friendship is causing you pain, you are both behaving like teenagers (we all do in some area of our lives).

Don’t go, write her a jolly note saying unfortunately you are away for the weekend (and use it as an op to book a weekend away) so you don’t feel she has one over on you.

Send her a jolly text on her birthday (if you have mutual friends so you can’t entirely avoid her presence in the corner of your life), and then move her firmly in the category of that woman you were friends with year ago.

Don’t engage with her any more. If you happen to run into her be breezy, jolly and terribly busy. If you ever get stuck with her at a mutual mates party, nice bomb her in an impersonal way as you would a girlfriend of your brothers you don’t think will last.

I guess she could make life very difficult for me here. We share lots of friends and it could become very stressful- more stressful than it is now.

I haven’t always lived here, so
i recognise the freedom described of not worrying about any one else but my own feeling but I didn’t know what I was signing up for here and it’s not possible to leave for the foreseeable.

@GCalltheway could you just drop a shoulder and go away for the weekend so you've a genuine excuse to miss it? Just send flowers and a card on the day...

How would you have felt if she hadn't invited you?

Just go.

Is it a big gathering, is it a "look how popular I am" event, or a small intimate dinner for a few?

If you think this is just for show, but would make your life easier in the long run, go. If you have mutual friends going, you could have fun.
Then resume not inviting her to stuff/contacting her until she invites you to something just the two of you.

I've been invited to parties where it's more about numbers that close friendships, I've gone if mutual friends are going and had fun.

It could be that mutual friends have asked her why you haven't been at other events!

You’re probably a seat filler and good gift giver. She’s not expending any energy inviting you to a busy event. Personally I wouldn’t invest the time in going. Life is busy, time is precious.

“Thanks so much for the invite Sarah. Sounds fab. We already have plans that weekend sorry, so we won’t be able to join you guys. Hope you have a fantastic time and look forward to catching up for coffee after and hearing all about it. Much love to you and Ron xx”

Send, then…. Buy yourself something nice with the money you saved on the going/buying her a gift 😂

There has been raised eyebrows not only about her behaviour around me, but others too. So this could be a mitigation plan. Rehabilitating her reputation as a nice person.
Some of my friends will be there, many have not been invited. It’s really awkward.

50 odd guests

Probably relieved but a little sad I was with her on her 30th.

It is really sad to hear you give your power away like this.

If she is toxic and manipulative, you can't stop her from sending out her own narrative. It won't end with the 40th birthday. What happens when you have a big bash? Aren't we back to square one of 'what would it look like if I didn't invite her?'

You have to either decide that it makes you feel bad and is too negative and tactfully cut yourself out (by pretending you are busy)

Or you need to accept you have to play nice with her until you move away and that means sucking up these social occasions.

Don't play into the idea that you have ANY control over what she says about you to others. You have already admitted you can't understand the choices she has made, so you really don't know what is going on in her head. She could very well be telling others 'this is a pity invite and you are a sad act if you come'. If someone wants to take you down, you won't be able to play it perfectly to prevent them from doing so.

For me, the amount of times you have said it is toxic (or similar), it just isn't worth the energy. This is YOUR life and you will constantly have to navigate these sorts of people.

I really needed to hear that.

I have given my power away unknowingly and when I tried to get on the front foot she created a huge scene. I hate conflict so it was hard to manage her and I have relaxed and created distance, it was all good but now the pressing need to reply to this invite is now confusing me. This is kind of what she does. Reels people back and then dumps on them again at will.

She was a lovely friend for a while but she used my illnesses to share with others, and make herself centre stage and gossiped about me. Incredibly I felt indebted to her for a while for her so called ‘kindness’ not realising she was sharing it all with others. Because my health has been so poor I imagine it might well be seen as a pity invite, and lots of people did judge her at the time for being this way towards me.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all of this 💐

I suspect that other people aren't completely blind to her behaviour, so you may get a better outcome than you expect. Wishing you lots of strength to navigate it.

I guess that’s at the root of this. I imagine she has been talking about me to others. I am worried some might see it as a pity invite. It might well be. Or she may have realised the friendship is important and this is her way of expressing that. I am an honest and genuine person I can’t easily say what her intentions are.

This is a superb answer!

And now seeing OP response and the last few messages makes me realise why I do love mumsnet because both by you sharing GCalltheway and Sunnyfeelgood it’s helped me open a new perspective for dealing with fuckwits like your ‘friend’ that yes, just want to use and play with people!!

For me this is always the hard part because I want to be nice and fair to people.

When other posters were saying it’s a lot of drama, I get that you want to make the right decision.

99% of the people in my life are genuine friends I love and care about. But there’s always 1 you have issues with 😂

No one tells you how vulnerable you can be when seriously ill, and your world is turned upside down. Loving support is not questioned as callous information collecting something to share with the community and beyond. I didn’t have the capacity to measure her intentions, it’s only afterwards I realised I was fodder.

But we all have to live here; in relative peace. So do I set my fears aside and be there anyway and brush my concerns away? What would you do?

Are you sure you are not being invited just to make up the numbers?

Sounds like it to me!

London isn’t cheap

Honestly why invite someone to your 40th if you don’t even really want to see them for a coffee?!

💡 oh I want to feel popular so I’ll invite such and such

I'd go. If you don't, consider the friendship over.

Why do you have to play her games and worry about her being nasty or spreading more stories about you? I don’t live in a small community/village so I can let this wash over me.

I did have a new best friend for a few years until she did something unforgivable and I ended the friendship. After a year or so I wondered if I’d been too harsh so got back in touch with her only to find out she’d been bitching about me to others and openly on Facebook. We shared mutual friends who thought they were friends with her knew about her behaviour and sympathised with me. To be honest with you now I wouldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth though she did come across as genuine.

In your case I’d be tempted to not go if that’s what you feel like doing and let her talk. I feel she’d talk if you went or didn’t go so you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You do have to have a thick hide about this afterwards though and just ignore any nastiness or gossip.

Quite. You might think if it’s important you make the time for a quick coffee 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Newusernameaug ah glad it was helpful! :)

@GCalltheway I think the fact you have been so poorly and vulnerable gives an important additional perspective. You know how important it is to have a support network, so rocking the boat is extra intimidating.

I personally wouldn't go. That is because I had issues with boundaries and people pleasing for years and after therapy i made myself a rule to only spend energy on people that brought me positive energy back. I spent so much time when I was younger pouring energy into people who were like sieves and it was exhausting. Once I directed my attention to 'real' friends, life got a lot better.

But only you know what you can bear. If you really don't know, do the coin trick. Heads is 'I go', Tails is 'I don't go'. It actually doesn't matter what side comes up, go by whatever side you are hoping comes up as it falls.

I've no idea how far away you are from London but if it's a big enough distance that you can't make a quick getaway if the party goes south. Then I'd decline , thanking her for the invite but that you are unable to attend.