Friend’s 40th dinner!!

[GCalltheway]

Long standing friendship has run into difficulties the last few years, we both have other friendship circles, but we always used to make time for each other.
It came to a head a few times when she didn’t invite me to special occasions she was having but invited other mutual friends, and rather than ghost her I was honest, I felt the friendship had cooled and if she wanted it to continue she would have to make an effort. I had still continued to include her but I was tired of it being one sided.

Nothing changed and I stopped inviting her to stuff and moved on, she would get annoyed if not invited. We have barely spoken since Xmas apart from the odd text.

Fast forward friend is 40 having a dinner in London early Aug and has invited me. I have tried to organise a coffee with her to talk things through, but she is always too busy apparently.
I have no idea what to do. It’s a special birthday and maybe she is trying to mend broken fences but then why not meet up? Or has she invited me out of obligation? What do you make of it? Would you go? Or not?

I agree with this.

I don't understand these threads.

If someone invites me to something that I am free for, and I can get to, and I think I will enjoy it, then I go. If any of the above apply, then I don't go. It really is that simple.
When I have hosted a party, I invite people that I would like to be there. I really don't give a monkeys if they have invited me to something previously or not. It is as simple as "who are the 5, (20, 50, 80 or whatever number the event suits) people I would most like to be there?" and those are the people I invite.
I can think of friends that I have invited to several things that haven't ever invited me to things, but I like their company, so I invite them.

I remember your last post. I think you should go have as nice of a time as possible and leave early if you aren't comfortable then just keep carrying on with your life and if she continues to invite you to things great, if not, that's fine too.

I think that she will be offended if you don't go and that could create animosity and possible tension for you which might have a knock on effect with your other friendships.

You just need to reframe her in your mind from a close friend to a casual acquaintance so if you have a big party you could invite her but anything small and intimate she wouldn't be invited to.

The added information to this is my illness also highlighted that I could not rely on my parents either. Or family. It shone a torch on everyone around me.
Many of my friends stepped up incredibly and my dh family too, but I have never felt so scared and alone and the one person I needed was my mum , and she couldn’t do it in any capacity, and told me I was making HER ill with stress!

After this I have felt the true value of my friends and have found it so hard to live with knowing I can’t rely on anyone else.
That is why the actions of my friend, so called friend, have landed with such an impact. Even with therapy. It’s not drama - it’s not teenage angst in mid life. It’s knowing my kids could be left alone, I want as many loving people around them to help them through if it happens again, and it’s hard to live with knowing there are sharks in the water feeding from our misfortune. Those sharks are often very helpful, outwardly kind but also have ulterior motives.

I was wondering was it you!

She is truly beyond toxic.

What happened about the BBQ and the fuss she tried to cause for not being invited and the flying monkey mutual friend?

I would love to know?

In your place I would send a warm false cheery refusal and not dream of going.

You know life is far too short to celebrate the toxic among us.

Yes I agree with this. I wouldn’t go either.

Yes!! It’s me. It all went extremely quiet until
this happened. I am being reeled in I am sure of it. It feels obtuse to not attend such an important milestone birthday. She is good isn’t she!!

Decline the invite citing you have other plans but if you didn’t you’d go.

A simple passive aggressive you have something better to do with your time now than her.

you give her what she wants but with a sting in the tail.

make a plan for that day/evening if you like. Dinner with husband to celebrate being alive/weekend away/whatever you fancy so your mind is not doing the whole FOMO thing if that’s what happens for you.

OP,

I really understand the very very complicated emotions.

But god forbid it returns that is one poisonous bitch you will not want near your precious children.

Don't waste time, energy and money on it or her.

Excuse yourself and wish her the best.

Simply not being up to it and tired is enough.
Save your energy resources for those who really care for you.

I also wanted to thank you all for your incredible support. 🙏🏻

I wouldn't go,I don't feel this invite is genuine,from the heart.
Politely decline,no reason or any ' excuse ' just thank her and decline and wish her happy birthday then walk away.
This is what will be best for you.🌻

I agree, arrange a night elsewhere if it makes you feel easier but there is no way you should open the door again.

If you try further boundaries, attending will be thrown in your face.

It would be a huge misstep and own goal to go.

Arrange something/anything but you can't make it.

I laughed out loud reading that!!!!

Yes the idea of her picking up the pieces and playing hero in my house again whilst telling everyone every last detail makes me shiver.

That thought was very helpful, it’s actually MORE important to stay the hell away whatever the cost, because if I am going to face that horror again then I can well do without her hanging on to every last miserable detail as it’s shared out and chewed over in the local coffee shop for kicks.

I can’t go. I actually can never be friends with this person again I have realised. She can’t be allowed to enter my life and do that again.

I would not want her anywhere near my children. I can’t begin to even think about them trusting her and suffering the same as I did. Thank you for that insight.

I was tempted to make amends, be the better person.

I remember your other post OP and she was bloody horrible. Leave her to it and tell her no and arrange to do something that weekend with your other real friends that aren't going.Glad on reading your last post youre realising you're better off without her.
I hate people like her that prey on people for gossip, hope she has a horrible birthday 😆

Na.....completely over rated.😁

Being the "better person", taking the "high road", is completely lost on a toxic manipulative harridan.

All she would see as the slate being clean,business as usual and crucially that she should be included in your entertaining.

She is not someone you ever want crossing your door step again.

She refused the coffee because she doesn't want to risk you saying anything she doesn't want to hear, she has only included you so that she can say she has and play wounded should you not include her.

She is really bad news.
A really ugly person to her core.

Her behaviour during your illness was so dreadful and disordered that I would say she is a bit unhinged.

Really really not normal.

Either way you do not want yourself or your family exposed to her toxicity ever again.

I really hope you are doing well.

Mind your stress levels.

I send a excuse with a card. It's not inconceivable that you would have other plans.

I had a similar situation OP. I went to the 30th celebrations and all it did was remind me how different we had become. But I showed up, made an effort and I have no regrets doing it. She's barely spoke since and I'm okay with it.

If you've had an invite, go. It'll do less harm than not going.

I was thinking the opposite. You complain about being left out of significant events, point it out to her, she invites you to the next significant event and you are still not happy. If you really feel like this is point scoring or she is being devious, then surely that is your answer, you don’t like her, so don’t go.

I would own this. Go, enjoy the company of friends, smile and say yes shes mercurial isn’t she but I am loving seeing you all if someone mentioned it, they do say make hay while the sun shines!
have a nice night and in the morning it’s all over.

"I was thinking the opposite. You complain about being left out of significant events, point it out to her, she invites you to the next significant event and you are still not happy. If you really feel like this is point scoring or she is being devious, then surely that is your answer, you don’t like her, so don’t go."

Well I wouldn't appreciate someone gossiping about a serious health condition either, would you?

I appreciate the earlier thread isn't linked here but there is a lot more to the Ops issues with friend than simply not being invited to events.

I’d say a good friendship does not involve having to come on Mumsnet for advice, and this one has run its course. Whether she means to or not she is playing mind games with you. A more appropriate approach would have been to contact you and say she was sorry she had mistreated you and wants to make amends and restart the friendship.

I agree with every word sadly. There doesn’t feel to be anything genuine left in this friendship, even I could get past what has happened.

I am fortunate that I do have some seriously bullet proof friends, and I imagine some of them have had something to say about all of this, i thought it might be a good sign naively!

I value female friendships very much, they bring a richness, closeness and warmth that is irreplaceable - dc and dh excluded, they are precious. So yes not especially good at letting go! But I will 💪🏻

Some of my friends will be there, many have not been invited.

Perfect timing for you to invite them to a "Thank You for your support" BBQ on the SAME DAY with the caveat that you know it will mean some are then double-booked, but that's ok with you, you can catch up another time - but for the unlucky ones that weren't invited they get something else to chat about.
It might just take the shine of her very misplaced halo.

I too have been blessed with great female friends and really value them always.

However, sometimes you can wish someone well, but no longer wish to be involved with them.

That's ok too.

I think there is nothing to be gained hanging on to a friendship that is not sincere.

Far better to invest in those that are genuinely caring.

Life is too short.

Her behaviour is really up there in the truly awful stakes and at nearly 60, I've heard a few tales.

Do what you have to, to pass her off, but stay away from her and any loitering flying monkeys.

You have reminded me of my friend being invited to something from someone she no longer particularly liked and she thanked them but said " Thank you, but I no longer consider us close friends, so best you save that invite for someone who does".😳😱.

I was shocked but I really admired her guts.
She's an Aussie and I really adore her, the kindest woman you could meet, but she has zero tolerance for PA bullshit.
She just says is like she sees it.
I'm lucky to have her as a close friend.

Keep your chin up and don't allow her to take your peace.
You have really been through the wars, so don't allow this to impose on your head space.

Over the past 7 years, 4 good friends have had cancer and all of them politely refuse to have anything further to do with anyone who isn't a genuine friend.

They have found it very freeing.

"Embracing only positivity, guarding yourself against the negative energy some people exude🤚."😁

Thank you so much for your post, and all of your wise postings. I often see them and think we are lucky to have you on here 🙏🏻

I have lots of Aussie friends too strangely and I think it’s because they are so open and direct, and great fun too! I often think how lovely it would be to live there if everyone was like that! My friends say I wouldn’t cope with the men and the level of misogyny! So maybe it wouldn’t be that peaceful -

I am sorry your friends have had to go through cancer. It brings home the fragility of life and the importance of those around us. I have stopped caring about trivia, and have to rearrange my face sometimes when people complain about rubbish gardeners or a spat about hedges 😂
I don’t take a single day for granted. Like others I am reminded by check ups that nothing is a given. Cured my enduring procrastination at least !