My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

You don’t deserve this situation. I hope you make happy memories with your own family , dont give him much headspace .

Agree with this post. Protect yourself and stay away from him, you are lucky you have a DH, so BLOCK dad out

They said it’s a “couples only” venue / I have never heard of that in my life. Also, wouldn’t your husband go with you? And son isn’t married. None of that makes any sense so their excuse isn’t even plausible.

Unfortunately I think this would be the last straw for me. You will only be disappointed again….this is a pattern. I’m so sorry but surround yourself with people who love you and don’t disappoint you. Good luck!

@BreathingDeep
I had a day out with adult son today ( His dad and I split up when his dad had an affair when son was very young)
Son was appalled at the actions of your dad.
I only mentioned your story to son as I asked son if he’d seen Dad and son replied “ I always have to do what Dad wants- on Dad’s terms”

Son absolutely gets the waiting for crumbs of attention in the past - and it is really hurtful.
Son had a “Major” birthday where dad was invited ( along with dad’s third wife) but dad showed up alone and stayed maybe 15 minutes.

Son was really hurt as dad said he had to rush back to meet the new boyfriend of wife’s daughter.

Some men are absolutely under the thumb of whichever woman they are currently with, and put them over their child/ ren of past marriages.

You are very lucky to have a good husband and children. 🙂

Oh OP I'm so sorry, that's shit. I don't think anyone could say you were being unreasonable, you're only human and as much as we should know better from past experience, it's normal to crave a relationship with our dad. I've been there and it's not easy to accept when your own dad doesn't seem interested. Have you thought about therapy?

Please have a good think about going no contact. I also have a rubbish dad who I idolized growing up. I wanted to be a daddy's girl so much and cried for him a lot. Him and my sternum would go on a few holidays a year, never take me, but would make me sit and look at the photos of all the places they'd been. I wasn't allowed to put my own stamp on the room I stayed in as it was the guest room. The only photo of me was in that room. They had a child together when I was 15. He got everything I'd craved and more. I chased my dad for years, ringing him when he'd say he'd call and never did. Me visiting them, but no taking their time to come visit me. There's years of shittyness, but he says his door is always open for me. No pops, I need you to show you care and want me in your life. I stopped chasing about four years ago. I feel a lot lighter about it these days, but that's after years of therapy!

I think I am a bit of a tough nut but for some reason your post has got to me.
You sound like a really decent and thoughtful person.
Your Dad? Well he seems like a weak man to me.
I have the feeling that your Dads partner is able to control him and she is making it quite clear that she and her son are his family now and you are just a bit of his history.

It's such a shame but I fear there is little that can be done to change this.

Of course you are upset / disappointed/ hurt, but I think perhaps take a huge deep breath and step back.
You have done all you can

I think we need to stop excusing men’s poor behaviour on the new wife, it’s easier to do because it better than the reality that he really just doesn’t give a shit, a lifeline, but by doing that it’s just delaying the inevitable that the relationship is only ever going to be hurtful. In these cases the bloke was usually crap before the wife entered the picture.

You're entitled to your feelings. Sounds ds like adults have spent their time trying to suppress the way you feel. Perhaps because they can't fix it.

In your shoes I'd go no contact. Trying to build and sustain a relationship costs you too much by the sounds of it.

Best wishes ❤️

The sad fact is that there are sadly many people who are narcissistic, do not have empathy or the capacity for real love and this often results in the insensitive and thoughtless behaviour repeatedly and casually manifested by your 'father' and many many others, mine included!! 😪
Even though you refer to him as your 'Dad' I have called him your 'father' because in my mind anyone can be a father but it's a whole different ball game to be a 'Dad'?! 🙄
I think the MOST important thing to remember is that he is now, and always has been, the loser in this situation and, even if he has at times shown remorse, annoyingly and unfairly he is not likely to be overly or long term bothered by how things are between you and him.
He is what he is and won't change, you are better than that, he doesn't deserve you and NEVER has! 😠
Don't even bother telling him how hurt you feel about his stupid wedding, rise above it and let him get on with it! Love and enjoy YOUR lovely family, go on a great holiday, put him in a mental box and leave him there, you don't need him and just remember, he doesn't deserve to be called Dad! 😏

Oh Op, he is vile. Value your own family unit and detach from him as much as you can. He's not worthy of your move.

*love, not move.

I've changed name as this is outing.

I don't blame you for being upset and if it were me, I'd just give up. Telling you that you are too sensitive over shitty decisions that shitty adults (who should know better) make, is a nice blame deflection.

My sister did similar- invited her daughter and daughter's boyfriend of a few months to her lowkey 4th wedding (!). Sister failed to mention wedding plans to her son or to her husband to be's 2 daughters- who lived in the same house.
As you can imagine the fall out was deep and is still continuing about 15 years on. Massive feelings of favouritism and it divided the kids relationships ( which was OK to that point) and the relationships with the parents. Hardly anyone talks now.

I should add- like your father, my sister is Teflon coated towards criticism. She sees she did nothing wrong.

You cannot rationalise with people like that. Let go for your own sanity and well being.
It is hard to think of your parent being a poor parent, but these people walk amongst us.

No one has asked from what I’ve read, and you’ve not mentioned it… but what kind of a grandfather is he to your children?
If he makes no effort or little effort with them either then I think I’d go no or at least low contact with him…. Your children don’t need to learn that being mistreated or disregarded is ok, and they need to see that you don’t think it’s acceptable and that you won’t keep going back to someone who will fully neglects your feelings.
Start with not bothering on Father’s Day with him and just go very low contact from now.. maybe only see him when it suits you, or not at all.

Some men are really shitty husbands and fathers… my ex husband left a year ago, leaving a pre teen daughter with me, he’s visited once in a year…. Sure he texts most days, but that’s easy isn’t it!! He sends her photos of him out doing nice things with his friends…. She’s commented that he has time to climb mountains, just not time to drive and see her…. It’s really sad.

Your dad is also shitty… it always amazes me when parents don’t make the effort because my daughter is my world… but we can’t blame ourselves… it wouldn’t matter who you were, your dad would still be shitty…

protect yourself and your kids now, it will probably always hurt unless you find a away to except that it’s his loss and no loss to you… focus on your kids and DH & spend the money you would’ve saved to go out there, plus the wedding outfit and gift, and instead spend it on a lovely holiday for you and your family… build the new pries with them that you yearn for. Don’t waste anymore effort or time on your shitty father.

That was supposed to say
‘build the memories with them (your family) that you yearn for with him…

All we can ever do in life is do better for our kids and teach them the right morals. Hopefully building memories with you and DH will give your children good family values.

Normally I'd say it's the couples choice but I do find this quite horrible and no wonder you feel this way. Personally I'd not make a big drama about it, just say you are hurt as you would've liked to be part of his special day. I'm assuming it's something to do with the wife too. Sorry OP, it must hurt

This is so true! My daughter's father does this to her again and again (she is now an adult) prioritising his new 'family' (none of whom are his biological children) repeatedly. OF COURSE you have the right to be hurt and upset he is a profoundly selfish human being. Tell him how you feel and consider very carefully do you really want someone who considers you so little in your life? Perhaps try some counselling and have your very valid feeling really LISTENED to.

Your feelings are completely valid no confusion there. I wonder if Therapy helps? I feel with having a lovely Stepfather and a good partner and your own family unit and being his only child. No one can take that he is in your blood and you are in his. If he distances himself from you . You are literally flowing in his veins and he in yours and I feel u can meditate your feelings on that and it doesn’t get closer than that. When it comes to being a male role model paternal figure he has decided to put his needs first there is going to be this theme in all his relationships believe me hence marriage number 3 ?? Nothing trumps only daughter you are his genetic inheritance on this earth in woman form . Now what u might find is deep down he might not like himself very much surprise surprise it means he won’t do the right thing by you or himself. So the relationship that should be nutured treasured lays fallow because he will focus on his direct support system without the emotional baggage he is just not secure or mature enough to unpack. It means he is never going to look love in the eye he is always going to be on the run from his true self. You however have had so much turmoil to deal with and you had the courage to unpack and present your inner thoughts you dared to go there even on here so emotional maturity wise you are probably where some people get to be on their deathbed. What do u do with all this emotion confused loyalties etc. firstly u have broken the cycle your Dad got trapped it means your marriage might be for life. You won’t have the comprises to deal with. That I feel is winning at life so look your loves in the eye and know they see you and they know u vulnerable loveable truthful u got the treasure of life right there forget polishing turds to fashion a father out of rejection central or gold veneer luxury when we leave our mortal coils know that Dam we knew how to love yes it bloody hurts but u can look them in eye and know you were as true as you could be.

Don’t say a word … keep your dignity …
let their consciences kick in at some point … don’t rise to it … punch a pillow but no reaction is a good reaction .., because I am learning that i refuse to be the “villain of the piece “ … keep quiet that will throw them totally …. It’s going to take a lot .. I’ve had to do this lately .., but I am more at peace with myself for not kicking off or letting people know they have hurt me ..,, see how that goes
sorry you are going through this
honestly … sit this one out … don’t say a word … see how they react

Honestly you should think of keeping your distance.
No good father does this

You are NOT too sensitive. Anyone who didn’t find your situation with your father or with the wedding upsetting would be downright weird. I think it’s time to hold DF at arms length to prevent further hurt.

I felt sad and embarrassed that you were asking to come along. You shouldn't have to scrabble for crumbs op. Wish them well and tell them to bigger off.

Awful behaviour from him op, so hurtful. It’s not you overreacting. Why did he not suggest you stay in a nearby ‘child friendly’ hotel if that was the case? Use the time and money you would have spent (if he’d invited you and you’d gone) going somewhere with your DH and your wonderful, magical children. Invest all your time in them now. Try not to give your dad any more headspace. He’s not a good man, despite the tears. Also, I bet he’s not as charismatic to other people as you think he is. I think you may have put him on a bit of a pedestal.

Honestly i would drop this relationship if i were you OP.

Men like this rarely change. They hare happy to play happy step dad and shiny new husband while treating there own kids like an inconvenient after thought -

That is until years down the line when the new wife has left them, the step kids take nothing to with him as he is not their dad and all of a sudden he is elderly and now feel like he can guilt trip you into cleaning his house, doing his shopping and caring for him as after all your his flesh and blood now that he needs something.

Save yourself the guilt and heartache and emotionally detach now