My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Ok. I'll bite the bullet. It's shit for you. But if he doesn't want children there that's why you haven't been invited

Just the way you write on here shows that it really is his loss, OP.

His loss, protect yourself and your children. Just concentrate on your little family and remove yourself from the source of hurt. This type of people are incapable of what you need from them. Grieve for the father you would have liked to have had and remove yourself from the inadequate one you actually do have.

Aww, OP's Dad is just being considerate. How come most of us didn't see this? I can suddenly see the light.

I think it's always easy for other commenters who are more detached from your actual situation to dish out ultimatums (albeit an objective perspective is very valuable), but having had a similarly absent father myself growing up I know the conflict you go through. I'm at the stage where I love him because it benefits me and helps me to heal, if that makes sense. Granted he hasn't done anything hurtful on that level during my adulthood as your dad has with you, but the most hurtful thing that remains is that he was never interested in us as children, only as adults, I suppose once he didn't have to actually take responsibility. That's something which remains unforgiveable really but we've come to terms with it as best we can and it's very hard emotionally to block out a parent who is actually showing love, no matter how late. Deep down I guess the child in me still needs that and that's why I've been so forgiving. So it's never really a fair outcome or balance for the grown children in these situations, whether the dad is being a better dad or not. However, because your dad has done this latest hurtful thing, I would recommend that once you've made your feelings clear, let him make all the attempts to demonstrate that he wants to make amends (I don't know what that could even be after something like this, but you would know yourself if it's good enough). You are entitled to phase him out, but if he's really interested in a relationship with you he will not give up. If he cowardly gives up and doesn't bother after a while then I would try to move on without him. From the sounds of your situation I would not even take it that personally, the issues are all his. If you had been the second child from that relationship rather than his son, then you might have been the one to grow up with all the love. I don't know the circumstances of course between he and your mother but sometimes that can impact things and whatever psychological/emotional issues he may have had to overcome. Also, some men sadly do seem to favouritise boys.

You have every right to feel hurt, but here's some advice from someone who's been in a similar situation.... cut him loose for your own sanity!!

I gave my "father" chance after chance and it was nothing more than a cycle of hurt and heartache.

It's been 2 years now since I decided no more and it feels great!

Yes you will have your sad days where you think about the what ifs, but he's not worth the heartache.

Sounds like you've managed life without great input or support from him so it shouldn't make much of a difference getting rid completely ❤

I don't agree that he will never change. His new partner will have arranged for her son to attend and said it wouldn't be necessary for you to be there. Talk to you r father and let him know how sad the situation is for you as you want to be a part of his life and to support him on this new chapter

I don't even know who my Dad is, but hubby's Dad is the same.

I think he tells you things just to placate you and to make himself feel better so he can ignore his actions. He sounds like a narcissistic man.

I would tell him he's just a sperm donor, you're disappointed in him, and you never want to see him again. Tell him you hope he finds family to look after him when he's old and dying because it won't be you.

Families are horrible at times, tell him how you feel and take a break from the situation.

You're not too sensitive, but as others have said, he's not going to change. Hard nosed as it may sound, is he worth your energy? Or would you be better off using that energy to enjoy time with your own family? Despite the saying, blood isn't always thicker than water...

Your Father also shows his true colours when you open up to tell him how you feel and he cries. How narcissistic is that?

Your father is an arsehole.

user1492757084

Your Dad knows you can't afford to attend and it is a child free holiday.
Thus, he didn't invite you and hopes you don't waste your money - it may be as pragmatic as that.
Don't take the non invite so personally*

yes - that's why OP's Dad and GF are paying for the GF's son to go with them. The son's inability to pay didn't stop money being found to pay for him and the son's GF to go on the 'holiday', so I'm sorry I don't buy that argument at all.

I think often with this sort of relationship the parent sees the son or daughter as a mirror to themselves (not consciously) and because looking in the mirror at a version of yourself you want to deny and hide from yourself and others is painful, the easiest thing to do is avoid the reflection they hold up to you. (Not by them doing anything, just by existing)!

this will be intensified by the idea of a wedding, where your dad wants to see himself as worthy and ‘good enough’, and his partner is desperate to believe that too.

None of that is your fault, (and it might be bollocks in this case, I’ve never met him)! but it’s something therapists see play out often in families like yours.

The thing is not to let his inability to just sit with reality bounce back on how you see yourself. This is him. No child is unworthy of their parents being decent parents. He had failed you, but you need to look after yourself here, you are worthy completely, but he isn’t very able I’m afraid.

Decide what you can have in a relationship with him. It could be nothing, or a little, or a realistic goal to keep working at it. He has handled this very poorly. If you feel able and want to tell him that you should, but do it for you, not him.

I hope you have a lovely family and value yourself as you should be valued. Maybe go away with them for a few days and celebrate what you’ve got.

my family would say this whenever i was upset growing up. Its gaslighting you into believing youre feelings aren’t valid, and making you question yourself, absolving them from any need to adjust their own behaviour. Sorry op 🥺

Playing devil's advocate a bit here, please literally take it as that, my own feelings are FAR more complex than this comment, I would get RSI in my thumbs... my odd dad died when I was 7. My step father rejected fathering me then tried to gas light me into allowing him access to 'his' granddaughter when I cut him and my toxic mother out years later... so yeah, complex.

BUT - hear me put. IF the holiday was booked, maybe even paid for, an an adults only venue, thats well within their rights to not even think about asking anyone's permission, yes?

They decided 'lets turn it into an elopement!'. So they did. Not considering kids coming. Maybe didnt plan to invite anyone else. Then her ADULT son (this was the key point that made me think about this) maybe thought, I can get a free holiday out of this! And guilt tripped mummy dearest into inviting him along and paying for him and girlfriend.

Now the not so nice decision, was not telling you immediately. What your dad should have done, is say, look, this is whats going on, and we'd actually love you to come, but its a grown ups only venue (I'm assuming you have kids?) And so the kids just can't insert sad faces and lots of apologies and maybe offering to pay for you and DH too.

Now thats what he would have done if he were a good dad.

We've already established he isnt. Hes also human. We dont always make good choices even when theyre right in front of us and easy to make! When we have no experience of them, a younger, snippy, bridezilla fiancée, and a situation he actually cant change, even though he definitely should.... maybe some grace could be given? More for you than him? Cos as others have said, hes not going to change. People inherently dont. Even if he wanted to AND even if he actually worked hard at it, he'll still screw up. Probably often! Holding hatred, anger, even frustration with him will bother YOU a lot more than it will him, trust me, been there. Since I chose to rid myself of my toxic mother (and step figure) I've had a lot less stress in my life. I'm also an orphan of sorts. Thats shit. But shes 73, she isnt going to change now. Choices. We all make them.
Maybe he didnt choose for you not to come to his wedding. But did actively say you cant? Could you, without the kids? Much as itd be gorgeous to take them, could you have an adult holiday yourselves and give yourself some grace too? Allow yourself some enjoyment with your dad?

I mean, if he actually said to you, you cant come, hes a shit, outright full stop a shit bag.

But maybe if he just failed to consider or suggest that you could come, that he'd love you to come in fact, its just that the kids are unable to, and he feels sad about that... maybe hes more of an idiot than a shit? Or trying to be?

Worth a punt? Xxx

*odd dad = own dad!

Same as a pp - you & your DH are a couple so why is it a no go?

I’m sorry to be blunt but how self centred is he?! My advice? Move on with your own life and see him at your convenience if you want to. Other than that treat him as a ‘relative’ that’s what I did, that way you don’t get disappointed ♥️

Who are the 3% that think your unreasonable?? Whenever a question like this comes up there is always 3% you have every right to be upset I would be fuming and never bother with him again

Well look at it this way, if or when the time comes that he needs looking after, you have absolutely no obligations towards him. Since his soon-to-be wife and her family are all so important to each other I'm sure they will be more than willing to step in and do all the elder care he needs. I hate to sound mercenary, but I'm sure any estate he might leave won't go to you, either. So you are doubly not obligated.

A dear friend has a son whose father was very much like your dad. He walked out on his pregnant girlfriend and has met their son twice in his entire life. Once when they were both blindsided into 'meeting' arranged by the paternal grandmother, very awkward for the dad and extremely upsetting for a 13 year old boy, especially as the father treated him like the child of a stranger, not his own son. The other was time at the paternal grandfather's funeral, again very awkward for a then late 20-something man as his 'father' basically spent the day avoiding him.

What his father didn't know prior to the funeral was that his son became very successful financially in his early 20s. We surmise that he figured it out shortly thereafter. About a year after the funeral, take one guess as to who came around with groveling excuses and talk of Damascene conversions, followed very shortly by tales of financial woe. Yep, you got it in one! He gave his 'father' short shrift and told him never to contact him again.

I doubt this will make you feel better but….my dad who I’ve had a tricky relationship with but who I love to bits….got married without telling me. Sent me the photos featuring him, his wife and their friends.

I was hurt but now a year has passed, I’ve realised that I don’t give a stuff. Plus, it’s not uncommon…my best friend’s dad did the same thing this year!

If it’s couples only, why can’t you and your DH go?

I’d suggest no contract. Not worth to keep getting hurt.

With some tweaks to the details, this post could have been written word for word by me (aside from the couples only bit). I’ve always been told I’m over sensitive whilst having to deal with things that would upset even the hardiest of people. All my love goes out to you, OP - I know I’d be devastated in the same scenario. It doesn’t matter how many times it happens, each hurt is worse than the last and reaches the little-kid bit inside of you that’s been there since he left.