My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

I’m sorry OP. I think the fact that you even had to ask him for information about the wedding to see if you could attend says it all. I can see how it all evolved from his point of view, but the fact that their plans now mean that you can’t go are evidence that you are not high up in his list of priorities. I think he’s lucky after his performance as a father that you would even be interested in going to his wedding.

All this is making me think of ‘trauma bonding’ and how because in much of your relationship with him you’ve felt hurt, when the sun does come out, it feels so good and so amazing that it has kept you hooked. You have seen the potential and it has made you hang in there.

I think it would be wise to step back and assess what you and your children get out of this relationship and perhaps stop putting in my energy and effort than it warrants?

I’m sorry for the hurt you have felt and are feeling now. Your ‘sensitivity’ is a good thing. It shows you care and how loving you are. But if this is who you are, you need to take good care of yourself and who you allow to be around you.

*more energy not my energy!

I'd limit contact with him at least for a while. He obviously doesn't have your interests at heart and your relationship with him is obviously causing you pain. I'd be really hurt by this behaviour too and I would tell him why you plan to reduce contact if I were you- firstly, you shouldn't be an afterthought and he should have invited you, secondly if you've asked if you can join the wedding he should have supported you attending.

I think that's a very sensible idea. Indeed, you could just cut contact now, rather than phase him out, as it might be easier. Had you gone to the wedding, it could have been a very expensive trip, only for you to be sidelined and ignored on the day, anyway. Maybe you've dodged a bullet.
And remember, when he is old and frail and needs someone to take charge of his care, you can (with a very clear conscience), take as much interest in his welfare as he has with yours - ie none. Let his shiny, new family take the strain...

You need to have another conversation with your ‘dad’.
Yes it is their day & they can invite who they want BUT you are his 1st born & even if you couldn’t go to the venue, due to no kids allowed, talking to you about it & explaining why they have chosen where they have would have been a nice & normal thing to do IF he cared one bit about your feelings.
Think you need to step back & realise her does what he does for you to make himself feel better not you.
Guarantee you aren’t in his will, the step kid will be, either yet he’ll profess that he cares about you & is sorry he has been a crappy dad before your heart to heart; which really doesn’t seem to have changed anything!
My friends parents always make sure that what one kid gets the other does too. It is just fair & means no-one feels left out.

Hugs. This isn’t an easy situation to navigate but you are an adult & you can tell him he is out of order in an adult way.

Because they don't appear to have been invited?

I'm just resurrecting this thread from earlier this year as the wedding is fast approaching and, having just spent a weekend with him, all the feelings have bubbled to the surface once more, and reading this again has been really therapeutic.

I haven't been honest with my dad about how it's made me feel. Instead, I've . kept my distance and we've only seen them once since then. This weekend was a challenge - my children didn't want to go and stay at theirs, and as a result, were a bit teenage and grumpy, which went down like a lead balloon.

I came away resolute that I'm not playing ball anymore. I can't keep begging for his approval at my age - I've done it too long and spent too much time disappointed in both him and myself. I've had some pretty significant career things happen and when I told him, like a child wanting praise for a gold star... there was nothing. And I hate myself for 'performing' for attention - it's pathetic and has never worked so I should learn.

The wedding/holiday is imminent and we'll send a card and small gift for when they're back, and I think that's me done. I know there's nothing to be gained from keeping trying to keep the relationship going.

Thank you all for the support and understanding. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how old you are, you still yearn for your parents to notice you, don't you? Your words have all helped enormously.

Op I read this thread the first time around. I didn’t comment but my heart hurt for you. I think you’re doing the right thing. You deserve so much more than what he has to offer. It’s testament to the person you are that after all this you even wanted to go to his wedding. Your dad’s behaviour is also telling.

You are right to move on but I would consider telling your df how hurtful his treatment of you has been. I don’t think he’ll come begging for forgiveness or even truly realise what he’s done, but you should have the opportunity to tell him to help you come to terms with this. Some people don’t want to understand their bad behaviour but that doesn’t mean they should be able to go through life thinking they are a good guy when they are not. You aren’t sensitive, your feelings of hurt are valid and you are worth ten of your dad. I’m so sorry that he has never been able to be the father you always deserved and put you first.

Good for you. I honestly think you are doing the right thing and will save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. I'd probably even skip the gift and just send the card to be honest. Enjoy your peaceful and happier future!

Op you sound very wise. ‘Performing for attentIon’ really cuts through and I’m sure many can relate. Sadly he’s all about himself and you focusing on your own family sounds much better use of your time x

Oh Op, I'm so sorry. How hurtful for you but think detaching is the best thing for you. You can't change him, only control your own reactions and quite honestly, he doesn't deserve your love & affection. Focus on your own family & let him go.

@BreathingDeep

I'm so sorry your pain has been 'resurrected'. I agree with you that it's time to be 'done'. You've just been beating your poor head against the same stone wall far too long.

But I am wondering why you're bothering to send a gift and card to someone who treats you so poorly. IMHO they don't deserve it. I think I'd be tempted to just drop the relationship right now and not sending anything would be my first step in doing so.

Thank you all. It feels so sad, and so final now, and while I know it's the right thing, accepting that the relationship I so badly wanted with him for so many years isn't going to happen feels painful. But, not as painful as continually trying and falling short, I know.

Part of me just wants to creep away quietly, while another wants to share with him the reasons why, and right now, I don't know what's best. I want to have my say, to tell him how he's made me feel, but I don't know what would be gained?

I think you should write him a letter. You don’t have to decide now whether to actually send it but the act of writing it all out will probably be valuable.

From what you've told us, I don't see the point. If I thought it would help you I'd say go for it but I think you'd be met with more apathy and be even more hurt.

My view is they wanted a couples only wedding abd to not invite your children would have been problematic.

Her son is an adult but he sounds young so if they are still in the habit of paying for him then I can understand that they would do this.

You need to explain to your dad how hurt you are

Ahh lovely girl...its not you,,,Its him, He's always been this way and probably wont change.
I can understand how hurt you are, Do you have a relationships the gf's son?
You are better off without this shallow flakiness in your life,

Maddy70, he's in his late 20s with a mortgage and a full-time job.

Greenpolkadot, no I have no relationship with him outside of his mum and my dad, and see him once every couple of years, maybe.

Thanks for being so kind with your words, I can't believe how sad and fragile this is making me feel.

@BreathingDeep

I agree with this^^. It's a 'safer' option. Speaking to someone directly is more hurtful because we are seeing first hand their reaction. Writing a letter means that, although we say our piece, we don't actually see or hear their reaction. Write it all down and put it away for a week. Or even a month. Time to let your feelings and your hurt 'cool'. Then take it out, reread it, and decide whether or not to mail it with a 'cool' head. And if you do decide to mail it, be sure you put in it that you are not looking for his reaction or for further contact. You're just saying your truth.

When we feel we need to tell someone how we feel and why, it's normally because we are hoping for a certain reaction from them. The problem is that we very rarely get what we want. We usually get DARVO, or anger, or a promise to 'change' which never happens.

Why on EARTH are you sending a card & gift?!

I'm sending a card and a gift as I already have them, and it will allow me to have some closure and end thing with a clean slate. I feel strongly about trying to do the right thing for the right reasons, and if I didn't mark the occasion in some small way, despite my lack of involvement, I'd always feel like I'd been churlish and petty. This way, I get to walk away on my terms, head held high, knowing I could have done no more. However, I do know it won't make sense to everyone!

I can see why you would do the polite thing op, you get to be the better person. But from here you've decided not to make the effort so much anymore. I definitely wouldn't make your poor kids visit him in future, he's not that fussed about them by the sound of it.

I would be tempted not to pour your feelings out to him, just enjoy not making the effort so much in future. If challenged ever on not making an effort your side, you can say, 'oh, I'm surprised you're bothered about that, I didn't think we were that close'.

That sounds wise op and matches his efforts - like sending a gift to a work colleague or neighbour

A quick update… so the wedding took place. I was the bigger person and sent well wishes, but no response until a couple of days later, when I was sent a photo of the wedding with a few words about it being a beautiful day. The photo wasn’t of the happy couple but of my dad, his new wife and her son. Sent to his only child who wasn’t invited. To say it hurt was an understatement and I can’t understand whether he/they are deliberately cruel or astonishingly self-obsessed and thoughtless.

The only good thing about this happening as it’s helped me draw my line in the sand and strengthened my resolve to step away. No more begging for crumbs. No more second best, no more hurt. I’m done.

It makes perfect sense.