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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

479 replies

BreathingDeep · 13/06/2023 17:47

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 08:57

They will come running when old age catches up and they need care.

Theblacksheepandme · 14/06/2023 09:10

JudgeRudy · 13/06/2023 21:35

I can see this would be a bit disappointing but I don't think they deliberately didn't invite you. I mean the holiday was never intended to be a wedding was it. Sounds like your Dad's siblings, parents etc aren't going either, or your 'step mums'. I've no idea where they're going but let's say it's a something like a Sandals resort....its really not geared up for children.
As for paying for SMs child...has this person been a big part of your dads life ie is he closer to them because he's lived with them? It's disappointing but you can't change the past. You might become very close one day but you won't have a traditional father-daughter relationship.

I am shocked that you actually think that this would be just a little disappointing. You clearly think in the same mindset as OP's Father.

Lacucuracha · 14/06/2023 09:14

It would t surprise me if the story about it being a holiday turned into a wedding is a lie.

Most likely they always planned it as a wedding.

JellyBelly50 · 14/06/2023 09:18

I had an ex boyfriend that’s father was in and out of his life yet became the most amazing dad to his new step kids. It was really hard for ex boyfriend to watch him be everything he wanted his dad to be, to other children of his new wife. Although he was invited to the wedding his dad actually made his new step kids groomsmen and not ex boyfriend.

I am going to be really honest and say I really don’t see your dad changing. He has always been a naff dad to you (sorry) and despite you sharing your feelings nothing is changing. I agree in telling him you’re hurt you’re not invited to wedding, but if he does then decide to invite you - would you actually want to go now knowing you was an after thought?

I do have to agree with others and say, maybe you are best off stepping back and sadly not expecting any more from him. He has shown his true colours and I imagine you could speak to death your feelings but he just won’t become the dad you long for x you deserve better and maybe letting go a bit might help in the long run xx

Fraaahnces · 14/06/2023 09:20

I would let him know that your conversation didn’t allow for forgiveness for future acts of fecklessness and favouritism. Let him know you’re hurt and angry. He’s still a deadbeat dad for you.

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 14/06/2023 09:21

Thank you all for your considered and thoughtful responses. I think I've become conditioned to excuse his decisions and behaviour as it's all I've ever known from him.

For added context, his last wedding was also abroad and I wasn't invited to that one either, but they didn't have any guests so it wasn't hurtful, it was just their decision to be alone. This however, feels very different.

As for talking to him, I honestly don't think anything will be gained by telling him how I feel. By raising it in the first place, he now knows that we'd have liked to be included and I'm sure it won't cause him any anguish or concern. He's quite Teflon-like and nothing sticks.

I have felt more at peace with our relationship in the past couple of years, since we had the conversation about our history, but the red flags have still been there. He's definitely one to pick us up and put us down when he wants to - his life is very much lived on his terms. He has rare moments of demonstrating dad-like behaviour, and it's like the sun has come out, but then it passes and we go back to silence and indifference, in the way a distant uncle would be, perhaps. When we're doing well, he wants to be part of our lives, but it does feel that when the going gets tough, we don't see him for dust.

I posted in AIBU as I knew you amazing vipers would be brutally honest and I expected to be told I was over-reacting, but reading all of your supportive messages, it's helped me to take the blinkers off and see what others can see. This is not a loving relationship, and it certainly doesn't make me feel good, or loved, or that I'm worth even a moment's consideration or thought.

I need to think about what happens next.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 14/06/2023 09:22

I'm confused. If it's a couples only venue why can't you and your husband go?

Theblacksheepandme · 14/06/2023 09:22

Lacucuracha · 14/06/2023 09:14

It would t surprise me if the story about it being a holiday turned into a wedding is a lie.

Most likely they always planned it as a wedding.

Completely agree with you.

JellyBelly50 · 14/06/2023 09:24

@BreathingDeep Maybe because he has always been able to pick you up and drop you down when he wants he feels it’s just easy to keep doing that as he knows you want him in your life so continues to do it.
Perhaps taking a big step back might kick him into gear to realise what he’s missing, or it will be clear if he doesn’t bother than he isn’t worth the heartache all the time.

Really sorry you’re going through this x

LadyEloise1 · 14/06/2023 09:26

Boulshired · 14/06/2023 08:48

They went out of their way to include her son but decided (as it is a choice) to have a wedding unsuitable for his daughter. I can guarantee if the son had children the wedding would be suitable because she is invested in her child when the OPs father is not invested in her.

Absolutely spot on.
Sadly your father is an idiot who can't see that he has a wonderful daughter with whom he could have a great relationship with.

I read this somewhere and think it's so true :
Treasure the love you receive above all.
It will be there long after your gold and good health have declined.

Blueroses99 · 14/06/2023 09:26

Maddy70 · 14/06/2023 09:22

I'm confused. If it's a couples only venue why can't you and your husband go?

It appears that they aren’t invited or welcome, sadly.

Sorry OP, sounds like really shitty behaviour from your dad and I think you would be right to phase him out after this.

Hiderun · 14/06/2023 09:27

What happens next is, you treat him the same way he treats you. Only difference is he will see you as the problem not himself but you already know that. As you said - Teflon, nothing sticks so true. Going forwards , Be kind to yourself and those that care about you. When he is old and frail or in poor health he’ll be back for your care but remember, maybe note his nickname on your ph as a reminder - Teflon! I’m going to use that as very similar experiences to your own.

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 14/06/2023 09:30

Thank you all so much, I can't tell how much these responses have helped and made me realise this isn't me expecting too much. All I've ever wanted is for him to be a dad, for him to show I was as important to him and he was to me. As he was absent for most of my childhood - I saw him every 4-5 weeks - I grew up idolising him. He's charismatic, popular, successful, charming - to me, he was perfect, even though actually, I barely knew him.

As I've grown older, and put effort in to have a closer relationship with him, I've had times where I've had to step back as he did things that were hurtful and selfish, and I had the courage to call him out on them. This led to bad feeling and distance, and I'm not sure that it's ever recovered. In our conversation recently, he took everything I said on board, admitted he'd failed me, cried, begged for forgiveness and promised to do better. I've tried so hard to make our relationship stronger, but clearly, nothing has or ever will change.

OP posts:
Americano75 · 14/06/2023 09:36

He's not worthy of you.

user1492757084 · 14/06/2023 09:37

Your Dad knows you can't afford to attend and it is a child free holiday.
Thus, he didn't invite you and hopes you don't waste your money - it may be as pragmatic as that.
Don't take the non invite so personally.

Your Dad will still feel chuffed that you cared and you should plan to meet up and congratulate them on their return.
Your father is honest at least, and predictable.

Save your hard earned cash for important investments for your little family.

ODFODeary · 14/06/2023 09:47

Walk away from it all. You don't need his approval or love. He is a nasty cruel man who has shown his colours again

Maddy70 · 14/06/2023 09:52

Blueroses99 · 14/06/2023 09:26

It appears that they aren’t invited or welcome, sadly.

Sorry OP, sounds like really shitty behaviour from your dad and I think you would be right to phase him out after this.

Show quote history

I don't understand why that was the excuse given by the dad though.

Unless you were expecting to take your children ?

Move on. Sounds like my dad, I idolised him. But he was a deadbeat , luckily I had the best step dad ever

Original poster
BreathingDeep · 14/06/2023 09:55

Maddy - I had no idea about whether children could attend or not, hence why I asked for the info. When he said it wasn't suitable, I didn't argue, or suggest that we go without the children, I just accepted it as a no. And yes, for a family holiday/wedding, I would expect to go with my children, but there was no option either way.

I'm glad you have a lovely stepdad. I do too.

OP posts:
MinionsHooray · 14/06/2023 10:10

BreathingDeep · 14/06/2023 09:55

Maddy - I had no idea about whether children could attend or not, hence why I asked for the info. When he said it wasn't suitable, I didn't argue, or suggest that we go without the children, I just accepted it as a no. And yes, for a family holiday/wedding, I would expect to go with my children, but there was no option either way.

I'm glad you have a lovely stepdad. I do too.

Could it be possible that he knew you would want to take your kids so couldn’t come and that’s why he never mentioned it?

Im not saying that’s right by the way.

LadyEloise1 · 14/06/2023 10:18

ODFODeary · 14/06/2023 09:47

Walk away from it all. You don't need his approval or love. He is a nasty cruel man who has shown his colours again

This.
Absolutely.

villamariavintrapp · 14/06/2023 11:28

I'm sorry, it's crappy, he's crappy. He's a rubbish father and always has been. Sometimes he manages to look better but he can't sustain it for long because it's not important to him, you're not important to him. I think it'll hurt you less if you just leave him to it now. Take yourself out of the picture.

villamariavintrapp · 14/06/2023 11:30

@MinionsHooray is it not more likely that this is just a continuation of his lifelong shitty behaviour?

Maray1967 · 14/06/2023 11:34

SnapPop · 13/06/2023 17:57

That's awful OP 😞 you are not being over sensitive.

This. You are not being sensitive. My Dad has remarried and they did it privately with no family involved, just people in the town hall as witnesses - I have no problem with that - their choice. We had a family celebration when they got back (wedding was abroad).
My lovely step mum has no children but if she had and they had been invited and not me I would have been very hurt.

Boulshired · 14/06/2023 11:43

The one thing he did owe you was a conversation, you should never of had to ask. There is no point in any more conversations, he probably knows he should care but he doesn’t. Accepting of how he is can then determine any future relationship, if you feel you will always seek his love and can’t take any more pain, as there will be more especially if there are “real” grandchildren for him and his wife in the future then protect yourself. You don’t have to do anything now just heal.

AngelasAirpods · 14/06/2023 12:05

Sorry to hear OP and I concur with the others that he truly doesn’t deserve you, it’s his loss.

As well as his shitty spineless behaviour, it says a lot about his new partner too. Why wouldn’t they want you there also? Sounds like they deserve each other. I bet they’ll be shocked when they gradually realise you’ve actively phased them out. Good on you!