My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Well done OP - for being brave and telling the truth despite the pain, but even more for raising what sound like wonderful humans. I hope you get some closure from this action, you deserve to feel valued and loved.

@BreathingDeep

I won't lie - I feel jittery and on edge. I hate confrontation of any kind and I twist myself in knots if I know I could have caused some upset. I veer from feeling empowered at sending it and proud that I did it, but then guilty in case I've caused him pain. How ridiculous is that?

Not gonna tell you what to do, but remember that you do have the option to block him. Perhaps if you knew you wouldn't be getting that phone call or text it might help you to relax and 'de-stress'. Besides, you've said your truth. What he has to say back is really irrelevant to what you know you feel.

I hate confrontation, too. And after many years I've learnt that a lot of the time it's avoidable. I don't have to let anybody 'have their say' when I've spoken my truth. My truth is valid to me and that's it. I don't need to accept theirs or even hear it.

Well done, OP. That really needed doing. I'm sure it was really hard to do, though.

I really hope he gives you some space now so you can focus on yourself and your own little family.

If you start to feel bad for him, try to remember you've modelled self-protection really well today. That's another great lesson you can pass on to your kids, in time.

We can't give you a Mumsnet hug but I do hope you'll be running yourself a bath, opening a box of chocs or pouring yourself a few glasses of something nice tonight. You've more than earned it.x.

I'm so sorry, OP. This must feel like such a kick in the teeth.
If I knew you, I'd give you the biggest hug (and I'm an amazing hugger cos I'm fat ).

Good for you OP, and what a wonderful family you have made for yourself, your children sound absolutely lovely. The two possibilities here are that he goes nuclear and says all kind of horrible things to you to try and hurt you or that he goes completely quiet. Since he has form for that, that sounds more likely. As has been said, the trick here is to let go of getting the answers you want, or the apology you would hope for, and focus on the fact that you have said your piece. Big hug to you, I (complete randomer that I am) am proud of you.

Again, thank you all - can I just keep on saying this?

So much wisdom here and it's kept me company all night. You are right. All of you. Whether he disagrees or not, I'm not telling him anything that isn't true because it's MY experience, MY feelings and MY truth.

I'm not holding out for a response or a resolution - I can't imagine one that would feel anything other than empty and a repeat of what's been said before. As is often quoted on here: 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' and it's time to stop the same thing happening again and again.

While I did consider it, I'm glad that I didn't just walk away without saying anything - not only would that have meant he was absolved of all responsibility for our relationship, but also that it would continue to hang over me. This way he knows that I stepped away because of his lack of care was so hurtful to me, and I can't let that continue. What he does with that information is down to him, but I know I've done what needed to be done, and the door is now closed.

I’ve had a response, but not from him, from his wife.

I won’t lie - it sideswiped me with how full of vitriol, rage and hate it was. She accused me of being dramatic and hysterical and how dare I send such a cruel message to upset him. It’s a long message and in it she told me that my dad was embarrassed and disappointed by me and that I was rude and disrespectful. Apparently I’ve made the wedding a much bigger deal than it needs to be and in terms of financial support for her son, it’s none of my business how my dad spends his money. There was lots more, and it ended with her telling me to stay away and stop ruining people’s lives and sort my own issues out.

I’m reeling - not just at the hatred in the message, but also that this is who she is when the facade slips.

Omg, the projection. Your dad must not be inconvenienced with your hurt!!
Hr must be free to ignore you. You must have no reaction to that.

their projection and denial must be awful to deal with :-( They are unreachable and their outrage makes them untouchable.

I hope you heal from this as it becomes further into the past.

Deep inside you probably always knew that Op but this confirms how nasty they all are. I'd now block all of them and not reply. You're much better off without them. Hope you're ok though as thats not nice to receive

@BreathingDeep I very much doubt that he knows she has sent you this message!!! I would forward it on to your dad and then immediately just block all contact numbers, emails, whatsapp, facebook etc!! do not waste another moment dwelling on the sperm donor!

Yes, send it to your father.

My mother said a few really shitty things to me on behalf of them both and my Dad didn't know what she had sent.

He will know she sent it - she sent it to me at home, at work, to my husband and to my dad.

Honestly, it’s venomous and shows me exactly who she is. Who they are.

just block them all then. nothing lost

Hugs to you Op. Like in the Disney movie when the baddie is revealed - the mask has slipped.

It was never your fault, he was always shit.

focus on you and your family. Xxxxxx

So sad, I'm so sorry for you OP. He is a dead loss I'm afraid. Getting his wife to slag you off rather than responding to you himself - what a coward. How dare she insert herself into this issue between you and your father, who the hell is she to you to do that and then have the gall to tell you to mind your own business?

This man's indifference has brought you a huge amount of pain. Time to move on from him. Love your children, enjoy your life, he has added nothing to it.

People who care about their loved ones, when criticised, examine to see if there is any truth, try to make amends, apologise, say things like 'I never meant it like that, I'm so sorry'.

Not him, plays the 'poor me' game and sends his wife to bite you.

You are well out of this OP. The door closes now. Enjoy your lively family and don't let them take up any more of your energy.

You know now. Line drawn. I’m afraid it was always going to end this way, the minute you stood up for yourself.
Your father was never going to suddenly change. Instead it’s worse as you’ve been conditioned to accept their awful behaviour so they’re all “shocked” at the “betrayal“. Nasty people.
You sound lovely. Focus on you now, your own family and living your very best life.

He's a bit of a shit, isn't he.

Does he always do what the girlfriend tells him to?

I'm sad for you but not surprised. People don't change. Ever. Once an arsehole, always an arsehole. Block him on everything, decide he is dead in your mind and never seek any contact. Let him live happily ever after with his toxic wife. Importantly, allow yourself to live happily ever after with your wonderful family.

💐💐💐 I'm so sorry.

Your father doesn't deserve you or the lovely kids you've brought up with love.

You know from my previous post on this thread the my father is now dead - but has your Dad married my Dad's widow? My stepmother wrote me a letter telling me 'how dissappointed' she was with me and my behaviour after I had sent a similar message to my father. In the letter she enclosed a copy of the codicil of my fathers will. The codicil was a letter he was going to send to his solicitor outlining everything my mother had done wrong to him (before he cheated on her with her best friend (SM) after 30 years of marriage) and how his children - my brother and myself - had been unduly influenced by her. This was done so we would not be able to contest his will. She also told me that I had 'one week to get in touch with him and put things right' or he would write me out of his will. Of course I didn't get in touch - I never wanted his money just his time - and the letter horrified me, I mean who wants to read a codicil that includes details of your parents sex life. He did write me out of his will though as promised. Please don't allow yourself to be sucked in, or let this response occupy all of your thoughts like I did - I wish I'd got some counselling in retrospect and you might need this as it's a real challenge to deal with this sort of stuff on your own. You've no idea how much I wish I could give you a hug and tell you that it's ok to feel shit about who he he is and what he's done - and to tell you none of this is your fault x

I hope it reassures you that you have definitely done the right thing OP. They clearly want you to fawn all over them and are annoyed you are no longer dancing to their tune.
I’m shocked he would allow her to speak to you like that. It honestly tells you everything you need to know about the pair of them.
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with it. I’d be so tempted to send a link to this thread for him to mull over. 💐

OP you absolutely did the right thing in telling your Dad how you felt. From the appalling response that you have received shows you that his partner is just as bad as your dad, both of them are not good people.

My Mum left when I was very young and I didn't see her growing up, her choice. She popped up when I was an adult and I tried so hard to get to know her for a decade. My wake up moment was when my child was the age when my Mum left. I wrote to her telling how I felt. I was honest, wished her well in life but asked her not to contact me. Our relationship was like an open wound never healing and then more upset would come, especially around my birthday. It was the closure I needed and I focused on my own family who love me unconditionally. Time is a healer and you deserve much better.

So now you know. They're two of a kind. Unwilling to accept any responsibility for their behaviour and eager to put the blame elsewhere. Time to send them both to Coventry.

He's whined and complained to her and played 'Poor me, what did I ever do to deserve this?'. And she's actively supporting him in is role of 'victim' and decided her role is that of 'avenging angel'. Frankly, it all just proves how right you are in everything you believe about him.

For her to send that email to all she did is completely inappropriate. Especially sending it to your work email. That is just beyond the pale.

It's time to block and move on.

I watched ‘the banshees of inisherin ‘ and I cried for my father . Sort of trapped in a cycle of self destruction . When you are in that place deep within knawing at yourself . It’s a beautiful film in a therapeutic way of all the pointless destruction and dismembered demonstrations . What your father has done at the alter of his bride was he dismembered a part of himself such is his dysfunction he would lose a limb , a finger , a daughter to prove a point of self hatred because deep down he won’t ever know that place of peace of mind. Believe in yourself and don’t destroy in the eye knowing complete honesty . Not only is his relationships going to be built on a twisted narrative but he will have to lie to himself to sleep at night and that is where the rot sets in . Believe in yourself and never go seeking his approval he will be incapable of that kind of pride sadly .