My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

I'm so sorry you've got one of the rotten fathers, OP. Personally, I wouldn't contact him to share your feelings as you would still perhaps be hoping for a reaction only to inevitably be let down again. I would just let it go now. If you need a response to an invitation in future, your first line - something like you have a lot on with friends and family and are concentrating on relationships that bring you happiness - should be enough. All the best to you, OP. Honestly, in between the shit about your father, your posts have so much positivity, strength and promise for the future in them. You just don't need him fucking things up.

Hope you are okay. It sounds really tough. In a semi-similar I blocked someone before they tried to contact me. I’m not sure whether it was the right approach, I was just done and it said all I wanted to say really. They do send Christmas and birthday gifts to my house now (which they never really bothered to before) but I have never spoken to them since.

@BreathingDeep

I think one of the reasons you're feeling things more deeply now is because you are finally shutting the door. Before, your brain minimized these things to make it easier for you to maintain contact with him without being overwhelmed when you do see him by the pain he's caused you. Now that you've said "No more" to yourself I think your brain is removing that mental barrier and letting you feel all the feelings. It may be a good time to access counseling to help you work through this 'deluge' of feelings and put them in their proper places.

I pretty much always advise to NOT send that 'goodbye letter/email' when going NC. It's not going to change who they are and what they did. It's also not going to give them a 'come to Jesus moment' in which they suddenly realize how terrible they've been to you and come crawling with abject apologies. Their lack of understanding of your words and feelings will be as complete as if it were written in Swahili. Write it for yourself if you choose, but don't bother sending it.

Oh Acrossthepond, thank you - your 'come to Jesus' comment just made me howl. You are so right - it's not like he's going to read anything I write and have a 'beloved daughter, how did I not know this?' moment with biblical storms, a wringing of hands and a miraculous undoing of decades of indifference.

You're so right too about the barriers being removed - I'm feeling it all properly for the first time and its been quite overwhelming. I'm visualising my brain as a big wooden barrel with lots of ugly wriggly fish in it. If I don't feed them for long enough, they'll go quiet soon enough.

As I've got older, I've realised one of my biggest bugbears is not feeling heard or seen, and to have so many wise and wonderful women take the time not only understand but to actively support me with such kindness has meant the world.

I want to take you all out and drink really good wine where we can smash ungifted wedding presents and sing loud angry songs, followed by a kebab and a promise to meet up every week because we're now best friends.

I'd be up for that kind of night @BreathingDeep

@BreathingDeep This thread has been really helpful as I recognise me in you - except you are the younger me about 17 years ago before I went NC. It hurts - and your last post talking about the 'come to Jesus' moment that @AcrossthePond55 mentions is what I always hoped for even though I was NC. It never happened. My DF caught Covid and died two years ago because he was unvaccinated. I blamed his narc wife at the time as she alienated him from his whole family - and told us she 'couldn't work his phone' to let us know he was sick in hospital before he was put on life support and never recovered. I now realise two years on that he was as much to blame, he went along with those choices, he wrote me out of his will and left all his money to her kids, he didn't contact me, he wrote letters to me telling my I'd alienated his grandchildren from him, he wasn't the same Father that he was throughout my childhood. I think two years on from his death I am finally recognising how dysfunctional he was. I just wanted to say that you will (unfortunately) feel conflicted in all sorts of ways once you go NC, sometimes you will feel like you've done the wrong thing and sometimes you will feel that you are doing the right thing. I hope it brings you peace though. My DF is dead - and now I finally feel like I'm getting there.

@BreathingDeep

I'm glad if my words have helped. I think that most of us have had some situation in our lives where we have truly believed that if we could just 'find the magic words' that the situation would resolve itself.

And so we talk and talk or write and write or do and do thinking that the 'Come to Jesus' moment will happen. But it never does. It's Einstein's quip on insanity "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".

The moment of realization can bring profound sadness and/or unreasonable anger. Or both. We just need to 'get', deep down, that there's nothing we can do or say to change things, and more importantly, that the situation is not our fault. It just is what it is. But after the first emotional response, realization will give us profound peace and the determination to build our own 'new' life path. You're building that path now. Remember that as with all 'road building' there will be bumps to smooth out and obstacles to toss out of your way. But you'll smooth and toss and soon your new path will be complete.

@HappySonHappyMum I'm sorry you've experienced the same thing that OP is going through and that you never got that 'not my fault' realization when your Dad was alive. I hope you find peace now that he's gone.

@AcrossthePond55 I couldn't let that feeling go while my DF was alive that he might just have that 'come to Jesus' moment and everything would be alright. In posting what I did I hope that @BreathingDeep doesn't live her life the way I did with that little seed of hope eating away at her because she feels like her situation is somehow her fault - like I did. I realise now my DF is gone it wasn't me at all, at my DF's funeral relatives who I hadn't seen for years asked me why I wasn't at my DF's wedding (I wasn't invited - I didn't even know he'd got married) and the ugly truth about the lies he'd told about me to save face with his family all came out which was really shocking. In a round about way I did get that 'not my fault' realisation through them although it's taken me a long while to get myself to believe it of him. OP - don't feed those wiggly fish - they're trapped in a barrel, leave them there.

@HappySonHappyMum

God, that's horrible! (The discovery at his funeral that he'd badmouthed you). I hope you and his family have made peace with each other, if that's something you want.

"Wriggly fish", that's a good way to put it!! I'd add "so shoot 'em in the barrel".

HappySonHappyMum thank you so much for sharing your experience, it is enormously helpful. I'm so glad you came to realise, even if it was much later and after he'd died, that this was not your failing, but completely his. For some people, I think their children are a reminder of the things they did badly or got wrong whereas their new lives, with new partners and their children, only know them as 'good', so it makes sense to keep your distance and keep the 'I'm such a great person' narrative.

Slowly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that whatever I did, I couldn't have made it any different. Having spent the past few weeks remembering in painful vivid colour all the times where I was hurt, let down, excluded and made to feel 'less than', I'm definitely more at peace with the thought of not seeing him again and not having to think about him. I know there will still be some tricky moments, it feels like the big damaging emotions are starting to settle, like shitty glitter in a snowglobe.

Onwards and upwards.

Nice to have an update x glad you’re coming to terms with it all.
Men really are so selfish and it cuts us
all
deeo! My daughter is only 13… her dad left when she was 11.5 and has only bothered to see her once, in fact he didn’t see her once in 2023! it’s disgraceful….. he says he can’t afford to train or drive down (coach would be £30 return) and says he can’t just take annual
leave easily…… then shares a picture on Facebook of him with his new GF abroad somewhere!
Hopefully my daughter will grow up and just bun him off, hard though when he texts BS about missing her etc

@BreathingDeep, you wrote ".....Slowly, I'm coming to terms with the fact that whatever I did, I couldn't have made it any different........"

It was never your fault. 💐

So, I heard from him for the first time since the wedding. He started, as I expected, with 'long time no speak' which is his not-so-subtle dig at me not being in touch as usual. He then asked for some info. I replied with the info and nothing more, and had a terse thank you as a response.

Clearly I was in the doghouse for not making enough of a fuss about the wedding and not being in touch, so I sent the message that I'd been working on for a while.

In short, I said how I felt I had no choice but to send the message. I've had a lifetime of feeling unimportant to him, regardless of what I did, and I realised when we were excluded from the wedding and others were included that I had to draw a line now. I explained how the wedding, and the photo he sent, had made me feel and how painful it is to see him lavish support, thought and care on his wife's son when my experience has been so different. I gave examples of how I'd tried to make it better but nothing had changed so I need to focus on the people who prioritise me and protect my wellbeing.

Gulp. That's it, line drawn.

Bless you @BreathingDeep, that must have been really hard to do

He needed to hear that op, good for you 💐

That can’t have been at all easy, but I think it was absolutely the best thing for you to do to put a lid on the hurt he’s caused you.

Putting a virtual arm around your shoulders OP and giving you a big squeeze

I think you definitely needed to say that. He probably won't give a shit but you needed to do it.

Well done, that took a lot of guts.

That took a lot of guts, well done. I really hope you can start to heal now and get some closure. I’m sure you must be feeling incredibly sad but you deserve better than the few scraps he decides to throw you occasionally. 💐

Well done @BreathingDeep ⭐️
He doesn't deserve a daughter like you.

Thank you all for the loveliness. Honestly, talking here feels like a soft billowy hug and it's much needed.

I won't lie - I feel jittery and on edge. I hate confrontation of any kind and I twist myself in knots if I know I could have caused some upset. I veer from feeling empowered at sending it and proud that I did it, but then guilty in case I've caused him pain. How ridiculous is that?

The first time I called him out on his behaviour - again, based on facts that he couldn't deny (you did X and Y, and I felt Z) rather than 'you hurt my feelings' - it was radio silence for a couple of years so I'm hoping that he will do the same. I've said what I needed to say, and that's enough.

Interestingly, two of my children have been glorious today - I had a message, out of the blue, from my eldest who said he wanted to let me know he thought I was awesome and thank you for all I do for him and for everyone. Then, one of my daughters just told me that the reason she was such a good friend (I'd just complimented her on how she handled a situation today) was because of the way I raised her, and rather than me being proud of her, she was proud of me. I mean, talk about reassurance and perfect timing! I know I described them as magical before, but my kids really are the best and despite the hand I was dealt with my father, I know I am so lucky.

I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but I hope he is hurt by your message. He deserves it.

I agree @Americano75 ! Well done Op.

You’ve broken the pattern op. You are raising your own kids well and that is now all that matters. Im glad that he has been told but also your work here is done - leave him to digest it and get on with your life.