My dad's wedding, oversensitive or right to be upset?

[BreathingDeep]

My dad and I have always had a less-than-straightforward relationship - he left when I was a baby, and while he's always been in my life, it's always been at a distance. Being a father has never been a priority for him (I'm his only child) and this hasn't changed as I've grown up, though I don't doubt he loves me in his own way.

He's had a lot of relationships, and his now partner had a young son when they first got involved. My dad embraced his role as a father figure and I don't mind admitting I've found this hard at times.

We had a very open, honest conversation a couple of years ago where we both voiced how we felt - how we both wished we were closer and he admitted he'd not been much of a father and he felt terrible about it. I told him how I'd felt too, there were a lot of tears and it felt monumental. Since then, we've both made more effort and things do feel easier and I felt that we were much closer.

Cut to now - he and his partner are going on holiday later this year, with her son (who is now an adult) and his girlfriend. While they're there, they've decided to get married. As soon as they decided it would become their wedding, my dad's partner invited their best friends to go too. It wasn't mentioned to us.

DH and I have chatted and said that as my dad and I are feeling much closer, it would be lovely to be there, so I asked them if they could share where it was and we could see if we could save up to come and celebrate with them. However, I've just been told it's a couples only venue so it's a no go.

It was also let slip that they're paying for the son and girlfriend to go with them.

I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt again. It's nothing new - it's a continuation of a pattern, but it really does feel like a kick in the stomach. I need to harden up so things like this don't affect me, but it's not that easy.

AIBU and actually, it's their day and they can do what they like with who they like?
Or,
AINBU to feel hurt and that I'm clearly unimportant to him/them?

Oh that is really hurtful! I think you've made the right decision in stepping away now. He honestly doesn't sound as if he deserves you. Take care

I know this process for you was beyond painful @BreathingDeep but the fact that you have heard your own advice to your DD and come to terms with it all in your own way is so positive. you have now given yourself the gift that is not blaming yourself or questioning yourself as to what you did or didn't do to deserve this. ALL of this is and always was on him.

huge hug for you my dear, from this point on, it will get a bit easier.

Yes, this is all on him, not you and I’m so glad you’ve come to terms with it all.

Perhaps now would be a good time to prepare your response for when the next contact comes from him. So you can just send your pre prepared text/email so you don’t have to go through the difficult thought process and emotions again. And you won’t weaken with all the new emotions that will evolve then.

Do let us know when he next gets in touch about meeting up and how cathartic your response felt!

And I agree with PP who suggested preparing your response for that now so it doesn’t take up emotional energy when the time comes.

A great saying I read on Mumsnet - Why cross the Atlantic for someone who wouldn't jump in a puddle for you.

What a horrible man - financing his stepson and having his own daughter work 3 jobs to get through uni.
He'll reap what he sows.

You sound very sensible @BreathingDeep It's important to protect your own well-being

If / when he gets in touch to suggest meeting up, it might be helpful to have your response ready. In your shoes, I think I'd probably fade out gradually eg "yes, maybe in the Summer" and then not suggest a date. But you should do what's right for you

This is really horrible treatment of you, OP. Inviting his son’s girlfriend in place of his own daughter with a ‘couples only’ excuse was bad enough but your update about the photo of the three of them shows staggering insensitivity. You, however, have behaved with nothing but class. I don’t blame you for going NC: don’t allow him the opportunity to cause you any further hurt.

BreathingDeep I wish there was a ‘hugs’ I could click on instead of the “thanks” right now. Stand firm it may not get easier but parents like this do not deserve attention/acknowledgement of any kind. Wise words to your DD as you said listen to them yourself, I’m going to.

I am so grateful to everyone who's been so supportive and kind. I'm very aware these are first-world problems and the fact you've all taken the time to lend support and share thoughts really does mean so much, thank you.

I love the idea of drafting a response now so if/when I hear from him, I have one ready to go and don't have to delve into the emotions again, I will do that. Whether it's a 'you've really hurt me and I need space' response or a 'maybe in the summer' more vague reply, I'm not sure - I need to decide whether I walk away and close the door, or just drift further away.

Two of my children had a rough day yesterday with 'friends' and after an evening chatting to them, they've gone into school today with their lovely heads held high and a mantra of 'I deserve better' and I think it will be my mantra too.

I think it would be totally appropriate to just block him. I’m glad you decided fuck the card and gift, that is also the correct response. I’m also glad you have a nice stepdad and are teaching your kids the self worth your dad failed to give you.

You do deserve better @BreathingDeep

I understand why you sent a card and present, not sure I could have acknowledged his wedding at all, but at least he can’t bad mouth you.

I have a 13 year old daughter, her father left July 2022 & has visited her once since! It breaks my heart that she Is probably feeling unloved and that he doesn’t care. But his actions don’t give much reassurance!

BUT like your situation, my DD has nothing wrong, she’s a lovely child and always has been, she’s kind and thoughtful and deserves better!! SO DO YOU…. You don’t need this man’s approval, you know you’re worth… you don’t need the approval of a man who has so fundamentally failed at being a decent father… this isn’t because you’re not worthy of his time, it’s because he’s got a huge character floor! The attention etc he gives his step son is only because it gains him favour with his wife… should they split he’d likely walk away and never I’ve another thought for this young man!…. He seems more concerned with whatever lady he’s with than he is with literally anyone else! Don’t take it personally… REMEMBER this is his floor and not yours!
Also I have to say… Why would you want this man in your children’s life? What benefit is having him to them? He sounds like a right head F£&k and I wouldn’t want him in my child’s life given the choice… and if I were you I wouldn’t even bother telling him why you want no contact but I’d just block him… like you’ve said what will be gained from giving him a piece of your mind? In the short term it might make you feel like you’ve got things off your chest, but I’ve found from experience that in the long term you just feel petty or resentful for writing what you did… in many cases I’ve wished I’ve just walked away … often the silence actually annoys them more too!!

My advice would be to block him and his now on all platforms and move on, enjoy your children and husband and look forward not backward!

Yes block him and move on.

You may need help and support but be aware for some people words is what they hear and they don’t look at the actions.

look at his actions - walked out dropped on and out like a Disney dad as when he wanted.

one of the most common phrases when dealing with an abuser caught out is to tell them ‘you are too emotional’ or ‘too sensitive’ or that you are being dramatic so you question yourself.

Any engagement by you is you picking a scab. It’s opening a door that needs to be firmly closed.

Block him on everything and do not respond. Do not engage. I’m so sorry as it is the worst rejection to be rejected by your parents.

But this is not you but him. Remember that.

I just wanted to say I think you are an inspiration op and should be so proud of yourself for realising you deserve better and recognising it is a him problem, Totally not of your making.

Good on you OP.

Whilst a blocking is tempting, I would be aiming for a diplomatically put message that you were now focusing on relationships where there was genuine connection both ways, that you'd noticed over the years that he was so much closer to stepson and new family and that despite efforts on your side and the big conversation to clear the air you had, the connection still wasn't there, as was clear when you weren't a wedding guest. And wish him all the best.

Then I'd just drop the rope. No more effort made from you. And no need to feel guilt.

Amazing message to anyone in this situation with a parent who just doesn't put in any effort. This whole thread has opened my eyes to something close to home. I hope op can move on with her wonderful dh and children. Thank you for this!

@BreathingDeep

I'm very aware these are first-world problems

You are wrong, my dear. These are human being problems. People from the tiniest village in a third world country to people living in mansions in major cities in wealthy countries are trying to see clearly the relationships (or lack of) with family and friends. It's been going on since people were in caves and will still be going on when we're living on Mars.

So don't minimize the trouble and pain that your relationship with your father has caused you, whether it's cost you 50p or £5000. You're seeing your way clearly now and that's what matters.

I think you need to let him know why. Let him know you struggled at Uni whereas his paid for someone else’s child. Why should he get away without being accountable for his actions. You’ve done more than enough to keep this going and he doesn’t deserve you. You sound like a lovely person and it’s absolutely his loss he’s missed out on a proper father and daughter relationship with you.

You are all so wonderful - I am reading and re-reading this thread and I am so, so grateful for your kindness and wisdom.

That was such excellent advice @Batalax to draft a response that I can send when I need to, without having to delve deep into the emotion and upset. I've written a few different versions - one brief and distant, one a little more detailed, and one which doesn't quite give chapter and verse, but certainly explains my feelings without any ambiguity.

@LadyEloise1 your comment about the Atlantic and a puddle - that hit home. Thank you.

While I do feel resolute about no contact, I am feeling wobbly. It's like my brain suddenly has permission to remember all the things he's done, or chosen not to do, that have demonstrated a blatant lack of care over the years, and I can't unsee them. It's brought a lot of upset to the surface and some incredibly sad memories. Part of me wants to just message him now to get it out of the way, rather than sitting on it and waiting for the right moment, but I also don't want to be the child who's stood by the door, bag in hand, letting her parents know she's running away: 'I'm going now, you can't stop me', it feels like I'm asking for drama, when I'm actually wanting to close the door quietly but firmly. I want to hear that 'click' as I turn the lock, and maybe then I'll stop feeling so churned up?

I think your both on a hiding to nothing when you have to make an effort and more or less force a relationship

I think it will be better to let go of your expectations of a relationship and see what naturally evolves

older , wiser and hindsight he will have a different relationship with his younger son

as for gf son that will all be instigated by his gf

I know you want to let him have it but he may only be upset for 5 min and then get on with his life. You will not get the satisfaction you want. You will also be waiting for a reaction or reply from him after you tell him and it will hurt you again if none comes or worse he gets back saying he is sorry and will change only for the cycle to repeat again. You said you already had a conversation to clear the air and you thought it had worked only to be sucker punched again. You know there is only ever one outcome - you getting hurt.
Keep your drafts but block him on everything. I would let him stew and if he doesn't stew then you won't know one way or another.

Re: Your draft replies to him. I would not be vague or postpone telling him how you feel. By all means wait until he contacts you before saying anything, but then I think it is important to be honest with him and why you dont want to meet up. Good luck. It is hard to be estranged from family and about 75% of people express regret about it - but that does not have to mean they wish they had not done it, more that it is really hard and sad.

Do you mean you can't go because you hav
planned to take children? If it's a couples only venue like many of the Sandals resorts then you can't expect them to change their arrangements. Would it be possible to stay elsewhere and travel in for the wedding day? So have your own separate holiday but still see him marry if that's what's important to you.

Wedding has been and gone now!