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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend just left

167 replies

MUUVVWBS · 12/06/2023 23:01

My friend/neighbour, who is a single mum of two young DC has seemingly disappeared. Our daughters were best friends and we helped her with lifts to the school etc and I received a text on Friday to say that her daughter wouldn't be in today, so not to worry about a lift. Fine, I just assumed she was ill. I text this morning to check if she was back in today and if she wanted a lift to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. What! I see this lady most days and we have had many play dates and our daughters are best friends. My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away. Her house is now empty and it would appear she has done a moonlight flit. Her DC father isn't involved and hasn't been for years and there was no abuse or anything like that although I know she had a rough time when they split up and has struggled with juggling single parenthood at times. My friend has also now blocked me or changed her number. I text her sister as I was a bit concerned and she confirmed that she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

OP posts:
notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 12:49

DyslexicPoster · 13/06/2023 12:19

Strange responses on here. This is why I'm quite guarded when making new friends and need to know people for years before I trust them. Before then it's just surface level chat. Maybe that a lesson to learn OP as seen on this thread, most people think is normal behaviour between friends.

Has anyone said this is normal behavour between friends? I haven't seen where. Perhaps you could point it out.

I think what people are implying is that they are not very good friends, and perhaps the other person had a perfectly good reason for not saying goodbye...

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 12:50

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/06/2023 12:28

@continentallentil

’it appears to me that you are just bored and looking for a bit of drama OP, judging by this you hardly knew her and didn’t particularly like her - she wasn’t a friend, just an acquaintance/neighbour. Why on earth would you be hurt that she’s left without telling you?’

tomorrow on Mumsnet:

‘a woman disappeared from her house with her two young children, and no one knew where she had gone… ‘ says the chorus :
‘disgusting, horrible, none of her neighbours bothered to inquire or try to find out if she was alright, what is the world coming to, why does no one care about anyone else , selfish…etc..etc.’

I’m glad that your neighbour seems to be okay. OP. Well done for finding out.

Her sister knows where she's gone, the school knew all about it. They haven't disappeared in any sense, they just didn't talk to OP.
Is the drama catching?

JusthereforXmas · 13/06/2023 13:23

DisquietintheRanks · 13/06/2023 10:26

Actually I kind if think she does. Or if not an explanation, then at least the courtesy of a farewell.

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No she doesn't... stop being so bloody entitled.

She (or others) do not 'owe' you anything in life.

Theres very few things in life you 'should' be owed... basic rights, basic respect (so not to be abused), a childhood where your parents meet your needs (food/shelter/safety) and the vows your husband/wife make might be 'owed' but even then life isnt fair for millions of people who don't get even those things.

An explanation because of you just wanting to be nosy in other peoples clearly quite traumatic personal life is NEVER owed to you

CaloundraBlues · 13/06/2023 13:41

JusthereforXmas · 13/06/2023 13:23

No she doesn't... stop being so bloody entitled.

She (or others) do not 'owe' you anything in life.

Theres very few things in life you 'should' be owed... basic rights, basic respect (so not to be abused), a childhood where your parents meet your needs (food/shelter/safety) and the vows your husband/wife make might be 'owed' but even then life isnt fair for millions of people who don't get even those things.

An explanation because of you just wanting to be nosy in other peoples clearly quite traumatic personal life is NEVER owed to you

Show quote history

Hear hear

DisquietintheRanks · 13/06/2023 14:40

It's not entitled to expect a friend not to disappear without at least saying (or texting) goodbye. "I need a fresh start" is an explanation, it doesn't need to be a detailed account. Minding your own business to the extent you don't even blink when someone drops off the radar is how bodies lie undiscovered for weeks.

MRex · 13/06/2023 17:33

DisquietintheRanks · 13/06/2023 14:40

It's not entitled to expect a friend not to disappear without at least saying (or texting) goodbye. "I need a fresh start" is an explanation, it doesn't need to be a detailed account. Minding your own business to the extent you don't even blink when someone drops off the radar is how bodies lie undiscovered for weeks.

This isn't factual, that's the problem with the discussion.

The very first post said to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. She followed up, talking to the sister, and got more confirmation. But this isn't good enough for her, she needed gossip for the neighbours. People have explained there may be domestic violence issues or a stalker, OP continues to criticise the "friend" issued of being concerned for her. So she's been told, she's been told by a third party, and she's told by posters. Faux concern by a non friend.

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/06/2023 23:09

MUUVVWBS · 13/06/2023 10:47

I spoke to the teacher this morning about my DD being upset and it seems like the school knew for weeks and there was nothing untoward? She seemed surprised we didn't know. She did say my friend's daughter was meant to have her last day on Friday and she was going to get the class to do her a little leaving card, but my friend rang them to say they had left a day early instead. Seems so odd to me that she wouldn't want her daughter to say goodbye to her friends. Does look like she's just ran away for a fresh start. Still feeling pretty hurt tbh.

Schools are bound by confidentiality laws. I am very surprised that the teacher gave you that kind of information.

BookLover7777 · 14/06/2023 16:43

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/06/2023 23:09

Schools are bound by confidentiality laws. I am very surprised that the teacher gave you that kind of information.

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I don't think safeguarding applies to a child who is no longer a pupil at the school.

BajaBaja · 14/06/2023 18:03

If she’s not using social media that’s your sign that she is hiding from an abusive ex. Don’t hold it against her, am sure she had no choice.

BillyNoM8s · 14/06/2023 18:10

My best friend once disappeared when I was about 14. Her mum had caved and let the violent ex know where they were. They had to move into a refuge immediately and contact with everyone. A couple of months later she reappeared.

Don't assume you know everything about someone.

BillyNoM8s · 14/06/2023 18:10

BillyNoM8s · 14/06/2023 18:10

My best friend once disappeared when I was about 14. Her mum had caved and let the violent ex know where they were. They had to move into a refuge immediately and contact with everyone. A couple of months later she reappeared.

Don't assume you know everything about someone.

*cut contact

Buffs · 14/06/2023 19:15

There is something going on here you know nothing about. By all means feel hurt but this will not be about you or an indictment on your friendship.

mandlerparr · 14/06/2023 19:20

There may not have been any physical abuse, but given that he ignores his own children, I would guess there was a lot of non-physical abuse.

ReachForTheMars · 14/06/2023 19:26

Fucking hell, I am gobsmacked at how personally you are taking this and how truly self-centered you are being. Listen to yourself: believing that she is a bad friend and a bad mother for uprooting her kid in the middle of the night because there couldn't possibly be anything going on in her life that you dont know about.

That her avoiding social media and uprooting her life and child overnight to a new school, new friends, new house, with no warning, is probably her idea of a big fun adventure.

Just...wow.

It's not about you and your poor child. Repeat. It's not about you and your child.

ReachForTheMars · 14/06/2023 19:28

ReachForTheMars · 14/06/2023 19:26

Fucking hell, I am gobsmacked at how personally you are taking this and how truly self-centered you are being. Listen to yourself: believing that she is a bad friend and a bad mother for uprooting her kid in the middle of the night because there couldn't possibly be anything going on in her life that you dont know about.

That her avoiding social media and uprooting her life and child overnight to a new school, new friends, new house, with no warning, is probably her idea of a big fun adventure.

Just...wow.

It's not about you and your poor child. Repeat. It's not about you and your child.

Alternatively, if the school knew, maybe she just didnt like you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/06/2023 19:33

purplecorkheart · 13/06/2023 12:24

I suspect that she has left her former home without paying what she owns to her landlord. Sadly some of these Slum landlords are not the nicest of people. She probably thinks that it is safer to tell you nothing about her new location in case the Landlord asks you about her and where she is.

"slum landlord"? In this made-up situation you've described, you're talking about the tenant having rent arrears, so how does that make the landlord one of the "slum" variety exactly?

SofaLola33 · 14/06/2023 20:02

Just because she hasn’t confided in you about abuse, doesn’t mean it didn’t potentially happen but also if she feels that she can give her daughter a better life somewhere new, good for her.

Bunchymcbunchface · 14/06/2023 20:40

Meatbadger · 12/06/2023 23:08

I’ve probably watched too much crime drama but sounds like witness protection to me!
Hope your daughter’s ok though. Sad to lose a friend with no warning.

Or a stalker?
if I had a stalker, I’d literally pack up, move. Go radio silent on absolutely everything.

Amabitnewhere · 14/06/2023 21:35

I am sure I'd be a bit miffed too, OP, but this is not about you. She obviously has more to deal with than meets the eye. You've no idea whether she hated having to leave like that but still had to. Don't feel hurt, just send her the good vibes she obviously needs. Poor woman. I work in mental health and have seen all sorts, really heaven knows what she's going through. I'd also explain to your daughter that sometimes people are having a hard time but if they really really like you they won't tell you in order to protect you from it, and that her friend must have liked her very much - might help?

supersop60 · 14/06/2023 23:02

Summerfun54321 · 13/06/2023 00:03

This is a very extreme thing to do. It isn't shitty behaviour at all and no need to feel hurt or make this about you OP. Clearly she has stuff going on that she couldn't discuss with you. This is more than just her being a crap friend.

I agree.
OP - it isn't about you, she obviously has other stuff going on.

mylifestory · 14/06/2023 23:28

Ppl are just in life for themselves basically. Your daughter kept hers entertained and lifts etc when needed which suited her at the time.
I had a similar neighbour I chatted to all the time, same age kid as mine, we even did school viewings together. She said they'd never leave their flat or sell blah blah. I day flat sold and they're moving out. It was all a ruse to get into school, as soon as they got the place they moved to a house far away. I actually saw them moving out and she was hiding behind their car as everything we'd ever shared had been a lie.
Find someone else.

Yorkshirebornand · 14/06/2023 23:32

WordsandSentences · 13/06/2023 02:28

Witness Protection is far fetched but county lines / gangs not so much. Particularly with vulnerable single mothers.

Doesn’t have to be the most recent ex that was abusive, either.

why are single mums going to be more susceptible to county lines? We are talking about grown women here, who have a brain and the same ability to decision make as anyone else. That is as stupid as me saying that bored wife’s would be more susceptible 🙄

WordsandSentences · 14/06/2023 23:35

Yorkshirebornand · 14/06/2023 23:32

why are single mums going to be more susceptible to county lines? We are talking about grown women here, who have a brain and the same ability to decision make as anyone else. That is as stupid as me saying that bored wife’s would be more susceptible 🙄

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Thanks for calling me stupid 😂

Perhaps I didn’t explain it as well as I could have. Obviously not all single mums are vulnerable. But some are due to money concerns and hapless exes etc. They can be a target for county lines.

pinkpantherpink · 14/06/2023 23:41

Accept what has happened and move on. By the sounds of it there are no grounds to worry about the child's welfare.

School will likely have been informed.

ArgosKettle · 14/06/2023 23:43

that is sad indeed