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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend just left

167 replies

MUUVVWBS · 12/06/2023 23:01

My friend/neighbour, who is a single mum of two young DC has seemingly disappeared. Our daughters were best friends and we helped her with lifts to the school etc and I received a text on Friday to say that her daughter wouldn't be in today, so not to worry about a lift. Fine, I just assumed she was ill. I text this morning to check if she was back in today and if she wanted a lift to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. What! I see this lady most days and we have had many play dates and our daughters are best friends. My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away. Her house is now empty and it would appear she has done a moonlight flit. Her DC father isn't involved and hasn't been for years and there was no abuse or anything like that although I know she had a rough time when they split up and has struggled with juggling single parenthood at times. My friend has also now blocked me or changed her number. I text her sister as I was a bit concerned and she confirmed that she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 13/06/2023 07:28

She might be running from an abusive ex, maybe witness protection (the sister might not be a real sister) or she could be running from debt or have some mental health issues. The important thing is to remember it's nit running from you or a snub that she didn't tell you. She's clearly in some sort of crisis state because normally people don't do a flit.

Againstmachine · 13/06/2023 07:35

Witness protection, this is peak mumsnetters making stuff up.

She will be running from what's been already said, but no not witness protection.

MillbankTower · 13/06/2023 07:38

Rent arrears
Was pretty common at our school- the midnight flit

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 13/06/2023 07:44

It just shows that the saying is right, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Its sad that she had to do this and I hope that she finds peace.

I had a friend (out dc were friends too)do similar, upped and left. Her mum said that she needed a new life far away. I hope she found what she was looking for and I hope she found happiness.

jajajajaja · 13/06/2023 07:45

Sad for her kids if that is how she is. Tbh she has always been a bit flakey, preferred to be on her own a lot and she never used social media which I always thought was a little odd in this day in age

This makes is all the more likely she is trying to stay off radar for some reason and has left for her own well-being. Do you always make it about you? A little less judgement and a little more concern and compassion might make you a better friend

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2023 07:53

Similar happened to me. She wasnt my closest friend, but we spent time chatting most days outside the school gates, and messaged most days. I messaged her during covid times, asking if she and her daughter were okay because she hasn't been in school all week. She said they were fine and moved away, 230 miles away! They sold and bought a home. At no point did she tell me she was moving! I offered lifts and spoke with her most days. I was really upset. It made me feel like the friendship wasn't real. I was just a nobody, she used to chat to. When I read your post, it actually made me think of this and how sick I felt. It's actually put me off making new friends. Your friend obvious didnt view your friendship as real, just used you for the child. Your hurt will fade, and you'll laugh about it in a year.

butterpuffed · 13/06/2023 08:08

I don't think it was a midnight flit . It must have been planned for a while as you said the place is now empty and you and your other neighbours have been talking about it . Did nobody notice a removal van or a transit van ?

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 13/06/2023 08:11

continentallentil · 13/06/2023 00:03

It appears to me that you are just bored and looking for a bit of drama OP, judging by this you hardly knew her and didn’t particularly like her - she wasn’t a friend, just an acquaintance/neighbour. Why on earth would you be hurt that she’s left without telling you?

Show quote history

pot ... kettle

CaloundraBlues · 13/06/2023 08:13

She's obviously got things going on that you didn't know about OP but you're making it all about you. I'm sure she didn't do it lightly and in the grand scheme of things, you're possibly one of the last people on her radar right now.

CaloundraBlues · 13/06/2023 08:14

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2023 07:53

Similar happened to me. She wasnt my closest friend, but we spent time chatting most days outside the school gates, and messaged most days. I messaged her during covid times, asking if she and her daughter were okay because she hasn't been in school all week. She said they were fine and moved away, 230 miles away! They sold and bought a home. At no point did she tell me she was moving! I offered lifts and spoke with her most days. I was really upset. It made me feel like the friendship wasn't real. I was just a nobody, she used to chat to. When I read your post, it actually made me think of this and how sick I felt. It's actually put me off making new friends. Your friend obvious didnt view your friendship as real, just used you for the child. Your hurt will fade, and you'll laugh about it in a year.

This is very harsh, you don't know why she left, maybe she had no choice. Bit unfair to say she used OP

BookLover7777 · 13/06/2023 08:17

If my ex left me for OW and would walk past me and our DC in town like we didn't exist, I'd want to move away for a fresh start too. Chances are she didn't tell you because she didn't want to be talked out of it and she knew, because of your kids' closeness, you'd probably have tried to persuade her to stay.

Daffodilwoman · 13/06/2023 08:45

I had a friend who’s dad just upped and left. Previously he had moved the family to a different county for dubious reasons. Then one day he just disappeared. This was before the days of mobile phones and the internet. She said for 6 months she had no idea whether he was dead or alive. It affected her terribly. Turns out he had been having an affair and the woman’s husband had tracked him down, come to the house and threatened him, so he did a moonlight flit. Never retuned. It ended with the ow but he did shack up with another woman and her 4 kids. There he stayed until his death. My friend never got over it.
He had also been married before and left that family too.

Zarataralara · 13/06/2023 08:52

It could be any of a number of reasons and you’ll never really know. I think it’s best to let this go, explain to your dc that dc from next door had to move to a new house and it’s too far to visit. Kids get over this sort of thing so don’t dwell on it with them, just support them if they have the odd cry.

Tdcp · 13/06/2023 08:53

Honestly, it sounds as if there is an abusive ex and she had reason to believe he found out where they lived so she's left. She's probably been running for some time.

HazelBite · 13/06/2023 09:02

Debt, I expect she hadn't paid her rent because the home was sub-standard.

Doingmybest12 · 13/06/2023 09:03

Who knows, everything is speculation. I can see why you are confused and hurt if you felt you were friends. But don't take it personally. She has her reasons and it is one of those things.

2bazookas · 13/06/2023 09:03

she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

Clearly she has cut ALL ties and made a clean break in order to a fresh start and a new life. You misjudged the nature of your relationship; because she never confided her plan to you and you just don't know what was going on in her life that caused her to want to disappear.

Y

ChristmasFluff · 13/06/2023 09:03

It may not be the 'ex you know of' that is the problem.

No social media presence and a sudden disappearance like that is really common amongst women who are stalked by a violent ex. And these men can keep looking for you for decades.

Ditto witness protection - it's not going to be something she talks about, but it is a life sentence.

I hope it's not that. But it's what I immediately thought of

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/06/2023 09:06

MUUVVWBS · 12/06/2023 23:44

It could be debt I guess. I still don't think it's witness protection or anything like that. I guess I'm just a little hurt and think it's kind of shitty behaviour. All the neighbours were talking today wondering where she has gone. Feel sorry for her kids just being uprooted like that but hopefully they're all ok.

I can understand why you are feeling hurt, @MUUVVWBS, but I honestly don't think you should take it personally. I would assume that she has some big reason for needing to take such a drastic move - maybe, as previous posters have suggested, she is running from an abusive ex - avoiding social media does add to that theory, in my mind.

In your shoes, I would message her sister again and say that you are still there for your friend, when and if she feels able to contact you again, and that you wish her well. Then focus on the thought that it wasn't personal, and hopefully that will help you deal with the hurt you are feeling.

Makemyday99 · 13/06/2023 09:07

Sometimes people just want to start a new life, I don’t use any SM but I’m not hiding from anyone I just hate it & am too busy living a life than posting a version of it. She doesn’t owe anyone an explanation so just wish her well & get on with your own life

DyslexicPoster · 13/06/2023 09:10

She might just be a strange like that? I had a friend who hid her pregnancy from her siblings for no real reason. She told me she spotted her sister while in Tescos so hid from her so she couldn't see her bump. Every time she moved her kids in school ( yearly) she cut off every single friend she made in each school. One day someone was phoning and texting after her while we was having coffee. She said to me "I have no need to see her again " then blocked her. She cut off all of dhs family. Her dh died and I really wonder sometimes how she copes with no one, no permanent friends, no family. That's all her free choice. Some people are just like that.

existingusername · 13/06/2023 09:11

I done this. It wasn't abuse from a partner but was from someone else close. The police had no interest. Everyone else close by knew what was going on and turned a blind eye. I packed and left overnight pulled my child out of school moved away and never went back didn't contact anyone including family. Just poof gone. You have no idea why she has done this. It may not be such a shitty thing. My child has never been allowed nor would be allowed to contact her old friends again we have closed that door.

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 13/06/2023 09:12

It's not necessarily that ex though, could be an ex from her past

justasking111 · 13/06/2023 09:12

I had a tenant like this. It all came to light when the post started arriving in different names which I opened. She was in serious debt to everyone. I had to contact the creditors to explain the situation because I didn't want new tenants to face bailiffs.

She was a nice girl who after a still birth perhaps spiralled so the credit cards etc were a comfort.

Wish your friend well in your heart, leave it at that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 13/06/2023 09:15

I second this. The saying, 'never judge a book by its cover' is very wise.

I agree. No one thought my ex would have been abusive. You have no idea what's going on in her life OP, she's left to do what's best for her, she's still in touch with her family, hopefully everything works out for her.