Friend just left

[MUUVVWBS]

My friend/neighbour, who is a single mum of two young DC has seemingly disappeared. Our daughters were best friends and we helped her with lifts to the school etc and I received a text on Friday to say that her daughter wouldn't be in today, so not to worry about a lift. Fine, I just assumed she was ill. I text this morning to check if she was back in today and if she wanted a lift to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. What! I see this lady most days and we have had many play dates and our daughters are best friends. My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away. Her house is now empty and it would appear she has done a moonlight flit. Her DC father isn't involved and hasn't been for years and there was no abuse or anything like that although I know she had a rough time when they split up and has struggled with juggling single parenthood at times. My friend has also now blocked me or changed her number. I text her sister as I was a bit concerned and she confirmed that she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

My parents did that when I was 14 (31 years ago!), when we were living in my home country of Australia. Lied to me and my two brothers, told us my father had got a job abroad in a certain country and we were going there to live....but we weren't to tell anyone. That wasn't unusual, we'd already spent 5 years trailing after my father on his work abroad.

We didn't find out the true plans until we were going through passport control in the country we were supposedly moving to. The passport officer asked my mother how long we were staying, she said a week and then we were flying on to the UK...

My parents had lied to everyone. My grandmother, uncles and aunts in Australia had no idea where we were for nearly 8 years, until my younger brother got drunk on his 18th birthday and rang my grandmother. My father left my mother for another woman 6 months later, I think it had always been his plan to leave when all 3 children were over 18 (he'd had numerous affairs). I found out last year that my mother always went along with his stupid moves/plans because he'd threaten to leave her if she didn't, and she didn't want to have to get a job to support us.

I've often wondered since how the other people we left behind...school friends, teachers, landlord etc reacted when they realised we'd disappeared. I know it was far easier to do back then, with no internet, email, social media, etc.

Because the kids were friends, they shared lifts, they were involved in each others lives. Obviously it’s upsetting and confusing when someone who you thought you were close to just disappears without a word, and blocks you. If you don’t understand that then I can only assume you’ve never had friends.

I needed to cut all ties because the homelessness approaching broke my heart.

Just leave it alone. She'll get in touch if she wants. I'm sure her children are fine.

You won't get any answers. Like nobody did about me when I left early as I could not say goodbye.
Put my key through the letterbox and said come on kids. Let's go.

There are obviously big things going on in her life that have made her do it.

When some years ago I was concerned about a friend another friend had the insight to say :

"In the nicest possible way This situation isn't about you or how you feel"

It was the right thing to say to me at that time I don't know if it will help you but I'm leaving it here.

You're not unreasonable to be concerned as this is quite unusual behaviour however if she had wanted to stay friends she would have shared this with you. Leave her alone.

This all sounds a lot like there's been an abusive partner or something in the past. It can be so hard, people just want to move on and make a life for themselves where they don't need that to be part of it so she might not have told you. Plus a lot of people feel huge shame and fear of being judged etc. You might never know but she'll have had her reasons.

All the signs point to protecting her daughter and herself. You simply don’t know what’s going on, your conclusions are based on your bad feelings from not being told. It may be for a good reason she said nothing but you choose to call her flaky etc. Why would she want to confide in you probably knowing what you really think of her? Look how you’re talking about her right now.

I understand that your daughter is confused, but the situation is not about you or your daughter. It sounds like this woman was and is in distress. I hope she has found safe moorings for her and her daughter.

You are certainly NBU to be confused. However, I would, and have, assumed that something was going on that was threatening to her...perhaps her DCs' father has reared his head, making threats. Perhaps she has witnessed something and is in danger. I would be worried for her, but not assume that it had anything to do with her not liking me.

Nobody would have ever believed my ex abused me. Physically he didn't. He destroyed me emotionally. But to the outside world he was the perfect husband.

You never know what goes ok behind closed doors!

You've made a lot of assumptions based on what you think you know about one ex of hers (the father of the dc). But there could easily be another ex that you know absolutely nothing about.

Children are resilient; your DD will get over her loss. Maybe best to focus on her happiness right now, rather than obsessing about this woman or discussing what's happened with other acquaintances/ neighbours?

Yes!

People don't do this sort of thing for shits and giggles OP. Your whole post is centred around your and your daughter's feelings and no concern at all for your 'friend'. Even describing her as shitty, and gossiping with the neighbours! You're coming across as incredibly self absorbed and mean.

You are not BU. But this sounds like an extreme thing to do, so there probably is something extreme that has happened, or was going to happen.

I know it must seem so weird that your friends disappeared, but it's extremely unusual to not tell anyone and do a midnight flit as you said.

she must be going through more than you know, or had it planned and just didn't tell you. You've been a friend to her and your children are friends, which makes me think her daughter didn't know about the move either, just because y kids blab everything! b

you know she's safe, if you want to, send one more text to her sister saying to pass on your best wishes and thanks for being a great neighbour.

Maybe I watch too much TV but can you check that nothing sinister has gone on eg she really has left/is still alive

I was think8ng more running from the rent payments

Unpaid rent/other debts and avoiding bailiff or process server
Mixed up with a criminal/abusive/dangerous partner
Avoiding ex-partner (could be she didn't disclose abuse etc)
Has committed a crime, ie embezzlement from place of employment

She sounds a bit unstable so you're better off out of it. Poor kid

It doesn't mean she isn't running from someone or a situation that happened in the past. It doesn't have to be that ex. It can be family, an old friend, previous exes, a criminal offense catching up with her, etc.

You're allowed to feel the emotions you do but it sounds like maybe she went through stuff you were not aware of. This is actually about her and not you.

Maybe the ex decided he wanted to see the kids? Easier to run than deal with him.

Witness Protection is far fetched but county lines / gangs not so much. Particularly with vulnerable single mothers.

Doesn’t have to be the most recent ex that was abusive, either.

A lot of people here have said WP but you keep coming back making it about you.
Could be a different ex, could have easily told you what she chose to which wasn't necessarily the truth.
You clearly don't know everything about her, so why is it hard to understand that her life could have been in danger.
I've had a stalker before but literally no one close to me knew about it. Just the police and work.
At least give her the benefit of doubt and be there for her if you wish, should she ever choose to get in touch again.
No one would choose to uproot their young kids in the middle of the night just for the sake of it.

Something similar here as a kid (before internet etc). Moved 2000 miles away. Didn’t tell anyone locally as - worked this out in retrospect - my parents left all the bills behind. I wasn’t allowed to tell any friends.

Honestly @MUUVVWBS this is one of those situations where if you knew all the facts you'd probably understand why she's done this.

No one does this without good reason. View it less as "shitty behaviour" and more as something happened and you wish her a good life.

If she wasn’t on social media, she was hiding from someone and probably ran. A poster said about talking to the school to let them know your dd is struggling. I hope the woman and her dd is ok. I’m figuring perhaps you won’t ever know. But you and your dd made their lives a bit happier whilst they were around. Take the positives from this. She obviously liked you and may also be feeling sad about leaving life behind. Her sister will have been instructed to hide her whereabouts.

I’d be less inclined to think that she was running from an ex and more inclined to think that she was running from debt, a crime, social services.

People don’t always run because they’re in danger from someone else, often they run because of what they have done.

When I was younger we had neighbours who did exactly this. The dh had got involved with some shady bloke who was involved in all sorts. One night the wife and kids just disappeared, he stayed to do whatever he was doing and then went after them. Not long after the police called round and were asking questions about them, did my parents know where they were, etc because he was wanted in connection with some fairly serious crimes.