Friend just left

[MUUVVWBS]

My friend/neighbour, who is a single mum of two young DC has seemingly disappeared. Our daughters were best friends and we helped her with lifts to the school etc and I received a text on Friday to say that her daughter wouldn't be in today, so not to worry about a lift. Fine, I just assumed she was ill. I text this morning to check if she was back in today and if she wanted a lift to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. What! I see this lady most days and we have had many play dates and our daughters are best friends. My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away. Her house is now empty and it would appear she has done a moonlight flit. Her DC father isn't involved and hasn't been for years and there was no abuse or anything like that although I know she had a rough time when they split up and has struggled with juggling single parenthood at times. My friend has also now blocked me or changed her number. I text her sister as I was a bit concerned and she confirmed that she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

You never truly know anyone and what is actually gonna on in their lives. I'm also gonna say witness protection The chances are if she is in witness protection everything she has said about her ex and her past is most likely a lie so you just need to drop it and let it be otherwise your putting her and yourself in danger.

My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away.

in the situation as you describe it, the mother has no obligation to explain her decision to you or even mention it. It's clearly a crisis and she has bravely dealt with it as best she can, In fact, if she has done a moonlight flit she will have kept everything completely under the radar and definitely won't have discussed it with someone who might talk about it and blow her cover, especially if she's escaping domestic violence.

Im sure that poor woman has more to think about that whether it's upset someone's child, I'm sure you can comfort your daughter and provide an age appropriate explanation. That woman's child will have a lot more to deal with.

I’d be far more worried about the DC than her.

Witness protection is the stuff of crime dramas. While it does happen, it’s incredibly rare, and if the woman was at risk there would previously have been police visiting her etc. You don’t just disappear one day without a trace and block all of your friends.

It’s far more likely that she has done something and doesn’t want to be traced by authorities.

I would hope that the school have reported to social services and that the DC are safe.

OP unfortunately it’s likely that you don’t know this woman at all.

People don't just up and leave for no reason. Either an abusive ex or debt seem most likely.

It sounds like she's running from something. Hurt, debt, abusive/violet Ex, wouldn't have to be her most recent Ex. I can't really imagine sharing stbxh abusive behaviour on anything but a need to know basis. The only friends I've discussed it with have been through DV themselves and get it. He wouldn't even come across as an arsehole in public but I might say something like he was an arsehole,/jerk who left all the parenting up to me. Just because someone asked wouldn't mean I'd tell them he was abusive let alone volunteer it.

It sounds like she has her reasons for doing it; maybe you’ll never know exactly why though

This was my first thought too.

This sounds like something I could've done a few years ago. My sons dad was abusive from when I was pregnant right until my son was 3 and I stopped their contact, he bombarded me and my family with social media threats and violence in fact anyone who knew me. For this reason I didn't have social media and still don't. It come to a head and I rang the police after a while of putting up with it, I was put in touch with a local service for women in my position and was offered to be moved or have my house secured. I took my current house being secured, I'm very private about the situation and there's no way I'd ever have told a neighbour his dad was abusive no matter how close I felt we were. The fear of it getting back to him or they somehow knew him worried me. Please don't take it personal uprooting your life is not an easy thing to do x

Perhaps her child's father, or someone else, has been stalking/ harrassing her. She may be fleeing violence.

I could see how a woman would just "vanish" in a situation like this, and wouldn't say a word to anyone in case they inadvertently let something slip, or something was bullied out of the people who knew her.

I do hope she and her DD are OK.

The sudden leaving is very hard and painful for you to have to explain to your kids.
Our closest friends went on holiday and never came back -it felt like a bereavement and I say that having lost my parents.
It was doubly upsetting to try and explain it to the kids when I couldn't understand it myself. The friends asked for privacy and have avoided us on sm etc ever since. They had lots of issues and since split up.

It's nothing to do with you or your kids. She probably felt miserable, overwhelmed and also guilty. She didn't want to explain or defend herself and she doesn't want to think about what she left behind, bc it makes her more miserable and guilty etc. She took the 'easy' way put.
Hopefully her sister will pass on your concern and she will know you cared...

It’s very hard on the kids when this happens. I remember when I was 8, a lovely girl just disappeared overnight from our class: they’d moved to Europe. I often wonder how she felt about that at the time and older. As an expat brat myself, I can say It’s really traumatic not to get a chance to say goodbye.

You just have to send her best wishes her way and hope it was for the best.

Whatever this is about, OP, it's not about you.

^^ this.

Something big is clearly going on with her.
There’s a good chance that you’ll never know what it is, but people don’t do this sort of thing without a reason.

Yep, I was thinking debt too. My first boyfriend at school came from a family who continually moved around after not paying debts. Only found out after my mum cashed a cheque for £30 and it bounced. The parents sent the lad round to ask my mum to cash it and she was caught out on the spot so did it. They moved on not long after that.

There's going to be more to it. I'd guess she was in debt or rent arrears.

The father of her children may or may not be the ex who is a problem.

She's left you kindly enough, but she's gone. Just leave it alone now, is unnecessary gossip.

Something similar happened to me when I was about 8 - (50 years ago)- my best friend disappeared overnight with no warning. In her case, it was because her parents had split up and her mum had run off with her, so her father was actually still around, and we did eventually get to hear that much about what had happened. But our friendship stopped instantly. It was hugely traumatic for me as a child, albeit in an otherwise happy and stable childhood, because it was my first encounter with how tough and irrational the world can be. I dreamt about her for years. Eventually I found her through Facebook, about 15 years ago, and we resumed loose contact, which I think we both were glad about - obviously she had been affected by the move far more than I was.
I guess my point here is, don’t underestimate how big an impact this may have on your daughter, OP. I felt such guilt and unhappiness about my friend disappearing, although obviously it was nothing to do with me.

Maybe an ex before the ex? Or debt?

I know how it feels. We were in exactly the same position. Ds was devastated at losing his friend. Never did find out why.

You never know what is going on in peoples lives behind the scenes. People only tell you what they want you to know.
I had to move home very quickly about 7 years ago something happened on the Monday afternoon, I found somewhere to live within hours and was in my new home by the Wednesday morning. My neighbours probably thought it was strange but it was very important we moved for our own safety.

When someone does this, it’s not going to be a fresh start for the sake of it. It’ll be either debt/ abusive ex/ witness protection. The fact she had no social media and has blocked you already, I’d assume an abusive ex. Most women don’t tell a neighbour all the ins and outs of their relationships, when you are potentially in danger you keep things neutral. The fact you and the neighbours have already been gossiping about it is good reason that she didn’t confide tbh.

I second this. The saying, 'never judge a book by its cover' is very wise.

That sounds to me like she's been hiding from someone for a long time.

It's odd for me that all your concern is for yourself. Whatever's happened, even if it's "just" that she felt she needed a fresh start, it's much harder on her than it is on you.

You don't know the whole story.

Don't judge.

You might very well do a moonlight flit if you were in her shoes.

You can be sad about the loss of this friend whilst also thinking maybe she made the best choice she could in a bad situation. People's lives can be complicated.

The fact she never used social media and disappeared quickly is there's something she escaping and hiding from. Don't take this personality sounds like she needed to go vvv quickly.