Friend just left

[MUUVVWBS]

My friend/neighbour, who is a single mum of two young DC has seemingly disappeared. Our daughters were best friends and we helped her with lifts to the school etc and I received a text on Friday to say that her daughter wouldn't be in today, so not to worry about a lift. Fine, I just assumed she was ill. I text this morning to check if she was back in today and if she wanted a lift to receive a message back saying that her daughter isn't attending the school anymore and that they have actually moved away. What! I see this lady most days and we have had many play dates and our daughters are best friends. My little girl is so upset. Nothing has been mentioned at all about her moving away. Her house is now empty and it would appear she has done a moonlight flit. Her DC father isn't involved and hasn't been for years and there was no abuse or anything like that although I know she had a rough time when they split up and has struggled with juggling single parenthood at times. My friend has also now blocked me or changed her number. I text her sister as I was a bit concerned and she confirmed that she has relocated, far away, for a fresh start and a new life. AIBU to be quite hurt and confused by this, and just think it is a bloody odd way to go about things?

You seem to have taken this as a personal slight. There will be a very good reason for this yet all you can think about is me me me, with apparently no concern for your friend at all apart from sheer nosiness to get a reason for her leaving. Wish her well and leave it at that and stop hassling her family for info ffs.

Understandable to feel hurt on behalf of your daughter, but your posts do suggest your primary response is one of being aggrieved she didn’t tell you her plans. As everyone else said, it’s not about you, and there were clearly things going on you weren’t privy to. I’d go with a pp’s suggestion that you reply to her sister saying you wish her well, and will be happy to hear from her if she’d like to resume contact in future.

If it’s debt or something really bad has happened then she probably has loads of feelings and things to do not worry about friends. If she gets in touch later great if not wish her well from afar.

I recall in infant school two girls (about 7) suddenly left the school, I think at the end of the year and didn’t return. One different girl I knew they were going to a different school but these 2 no more idea and I played with one a lot and the other was invited to her birthday party. The one I played with a lot in junior school about 9-10 years old she suddenly returned again either for a few months or less and then disappeared. It could’ve been different reasons in both cases. I think for one girl the one I played with a lot, she had a difficult home life so I hope she’s ok as an adult.

OP, this isn’t normal behaviour and she must have something going on you didn’t know about - abusive ex, stalker, legal issues… something obviously has happened and I think you just have to let it go.

Had this happen with my best friend when I was little... single mam (best friends with my mam) and their kid (my best friend) they upped and vanished in the middle of the night.

Turned out it WAS domestic violence and he had tried to kidnap the kid and flee the country before. He tracked them down and they somehow found out before he got there and they had to vanish all over again with only a few hours notice.

I have another adult friend who packed up and vanished from domestic violence too. She just had too much, walked out one night and moved half way across the country with just the clothes on her back.

The OP has just lost a close friend and neighbour, and her dd a best friend. Of course, she's feeling a bit lost and upset and wondering why the friend didn't reach out to let her know or even send a text. She's just cut her off! Considering some of the posts on here about being left out of a BBQ once, I think this is a different magnitude of issue! That said, OP, everyone is right this is not about you. She's moved on for a reason you might never know. It is hurtful but understandable for her. I was friendly with someone who just disappeared and I kept thinking why didn't they want to let me know, but ultimately that's some people's coping strategy. I think it's too soon to just not care. No-one gets up of a morning, loses a friend and a child's best friend and just carries on as if nothing has happened (except on here, obviously!)

It's her life. It's not about you. she doesn't owe you an explanation.

Actually I kind if think she does. Or if not an explanation, then at least the courtesy of a farewell.

She doesn't though, whether you think it or not.

Regardless of whether you believe that @MUUVVWBS is owed an explanation or a farewell, I do think she has every right to feel hurt and upset - but hopefully she will be able to view what's happened through the lens of things that have been suggested on here, and that may help her come to terms with it.

I spoke to the teacher this morning about my DD being upset and it seems like the school knew for weeks and there was nothing untoward? She seemed surprised we didn't know. She did say my friend's daughter was meant to have her last day on Friday and she was going to get the class to do her a little leaving card, but my friend rang them to say they had left a day early instead. Seems so odd to me that she wouldn't want her daughter to say goodbye to her friends. Does look like she's just ran away for a fresh start. Still feeling pretty hurt tbh.

If it is witness protection then she can't say goodbye/provide an explanation. However if it's not I think it's pretty poor of her to not tell you. Yes no one is required to tell anyone anything, but you should treat people with respect, and part of that is not to ghost a friend.

It's not witness protection, this is not a novel.

Op, it is not all about you and your kid’s disappointment, if you were really her friend you would be generous to keep the post I am quoting in mind.

It is easy to see why she didn’t trust you, sorry, but with all the drama and talking about it to neighbours and school it is easy to see why she didn’t mention it. Your kids may have been friends but that doesn’t mean she should have trusted you.

What were you hoping to find out from the school OP? You and the neighbours have been talking, you've rang her sister who told you she wasn't happy there and needed a new start. Yet you continue digging and making it about you.
As someone else said up-thread, explain age appropriately to your dd and don't dwell on it in front of her.
Help your dd to focus on her other friends and wish your old friend well.
As someone who's moved 11 times from a young age because of parent's jobs, schools, work, relationships, one stalker, etc I couldn't tell you all the neighbours I've had. Ive aleays been friendly but none really knew me as I was never in one place long enough.
She had and probably still has a lot to deal with and you making it about yourself is probably the reason she didn't tell you. Especially if she is running away from an abusive ex.
Great for those who've only seen it in movies, but being stalked or having to run from an abusive person is very much real for a lot of women.

I feel uncomfortable pointing this out because I don't want to be mean, but the school knew for weeks and there's nothing untoward? And her DD said nothing to yours ?

Neither of them must have wanted to keep in touch...

You've been ghosted I'm afraid

It's noticeable that you still consider only your own family unit, and have no concern for the person you are calling a friend. My concern would be that they are safe. Beyond that, just explain to your DD that sometimes people move in, shame we didn't get to say goodbye etc. I might ask the sister to pass on a card, if she's willing to, or send a WhatsApp photo of one. That way your DD says goodbye and you leave it alone.

I think you have been ghosted as someone posted above. I think it is weird behaviour, but some people are like that. It is hurtful, yes. These are valid feelings.

OP , ignore the PPs who are saying you should brush it off and move on . Of course you and your DD are hurt and upset , especially after your update .

I guess the friend was pretty unhappy to leave in the way she did , it isn't what would normally happen .

Don't ignore (and don't tell people to ignore everyone except you, so arrogant!!)

What else are you going to do except brush it off and move on? Grind it in and lament forever? Tell your child that people move, friendships don't always last, to appreciate the time people spend with you, and to let it go. Don't indulge percieved slights and hurts.

Also, it doesn't mean the friend was unhappy at all. It could easily mean that she just didn't see OP as much of a friend. Even the school knew for weeks....

Aww I'm sorry OP it's shit. Especially because it doesn't make sense and also now your DD has lost a friend overnight.

Not sure if this helps I am terrible at goodbyes and looking back. Not to her extent, but I just cant revisit the past. I expect its because I had a shit family life and just can't look back at my early childhood, ever, so maybe I do it with everything. Something like that might be going on - it's so hard to say goodbye and make a big deal, or hold on to an old friend to remind her of her old place, etc. Which is a shit way of dealing with things, but some people are like that.

Btw it definitely isn't witness protection as the woman would be dead by now after still speaking to her sister after the first day, which she blatantly wouldn't have been allowed to do 😁

Strange responses on here. This is why I'm quite guarded when making new friends and need to know people for years before I trust them. Before then it's just surface level chat. Maybe that a lesson to learn OP as seen on this thread, most people think is normal behaviour between friends.

I suspect that she has left her former home without paying what she owns to her landlord. Sadly some of these Slum landlords are not the nicest of people. She probably thinks that it is safer to tell you nothing about her new location in case the Landlord asks you about her and where she is.

@continentallentil

’it appears to me that you are just bored and looking for a bit of drama OP, judging by this you hardly knew her and didn’t particularly like her - she wasn’t a friend, just an acquaintance/neighbour. Why on earth would you be hurt that she’s left without telling you?’

tomorrow on Mumsnet:

‘a woman disappeared from her house with her two young children, and no one knew where she had gone… ‘ says the chorus :
‘disgusting, horrible, none of her neighbours bothered to inquire or try to find out if she was alright, what is the world coming to, why does no one care about anyone else , selfish…etc..etc.’

I’m glad that your neighbour seems to be okay. OP. Well done for finding out.

OP, sorry about the shock of your friend moving, and that your little girl is upset. Do you think she may have moved suddenly due to witness protection. One of my DD's classmates moved over 200 miles away for this reason, no sign of the family in a new school term, so I made enquiries, and witness protection was involved, very secretive and upsetting for friends and family left behind, but at least the family involved were safe.