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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

774 replies

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:15

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

OP posts:
Phoebo · 14/06/2023 02:21

ClaraBourne · 14/06/2023 01:39

She's hardly out of pocket, presumably if she'd stayed at home she would have needed three meals a day, might have gone out socially and you'd not do all that on £20.

You've seen who she is now.

Really good point!! Plus if we're going to be that petty, saved on electricity and water too not being at home.

chubbychopsticks · 14/06/2023 07:37

There was a choice in who to take and OP chose this friend. So by way of thanks, I'd drive and not ask for petrol. It's irrelevant that it's a free trip. I would not respond to the message to be honest. Not sure why friend drove? Did she offer? Was there an agreement to share petrol costs?

If you have to reply Id say oh sorry? Id thought you offered to drive as a thanks for me taking you away, all good though I'll give you money next time I see you.....then forget.

burnoutbabe · 14/06/2023 08:23

Does everyone else actually have many different people they would be able to pick from for something like this?

I can think of very few people I'd want to share a room for a few nights in London (assuming we can have twin beds) -family, partner maybe one close friend.

I assume 2 rooms wasn't an option as never seen that as an option for "all expenses weekend away". In terms of this NOT being a taxable benefit, only way that make sense is if you work for a hotel group and the extra cost of the room and left over entertainment ticket is nil to the employer.

If anyone else can explain why this £800 value gift is not taxable please do. It goes against most tax rules on benefits and employers trying to disguise pay as something else.

burnoutbabe · 14/06/2023 08:29

(Your allowed trivial gifts under £50 - a present for you getting married but nothing more then £50 and nothing in connection with your hard work)

XiCi · 14/06/2023 09:26

Poodles23 · 13/06/2023 18:32

Just reply I’ll give you half the petrol money and you can give me half the cost of the ‘holiday’ as I could easily have taken someone else not so ungrateful!

Well the cost of the trip was £0
So half of £0 is £0
Cost for OP for the trip £0
Cost to OP friend £40

If a friend had asked me to share the freebie I'd have probably said that I would drive and would have offered up front. However, I don't think it's a given that the friend should pay all the travel expenses. In the OPs circumstances I would have no qualms about sharing travel costs so we are both paying the same for the free trip. OP has been driven door to door to facilitate the trip.

It's obviously benefited OP to have a friend to go with and have someone drive her there and back.

I don't think either the friend or the OP come across very well here, both a bit mean tbh. Such a stupid thing to be considering losing a friendship over

Orangello · 14/06/2023 09:33

Well the cost of the trip was £0

No, the trip was 800 pounds. 400 per person.

XiCi · 14/06/2023 09:40

Orangello · 14/06/2023 09:33

Well the cost of the trip was £0

No, the trip was 800 pounds. 400 per person.

No it wasn't. It was a freebie from OP work. The cost to OP was £0

Readyplayerthr33 · 14/06/2023 09:42

I’ve had freebies like this through work. I always split travel or petrol costs with whoever I take with me. And they don’t have to ask; I offer.

I got the thing for free. Why shouldn’t I split petrol costs with my friend?

KR2023 · 14/06/2023 09:50

Orangello · 14/06/2023 09:33

Well the cost of the trip was £0

No, the trip was 800 pounds. 400 per person.

To the company yes. Not to the OP.

The cost to her was her good work over the year/s. Can't put a figure on that. But on balance I would just pay the whole £40 as like another poster, I would cut off my nose to spite my face and cant stand anyone thing I am beholden to them.

N0ChildrenYet · 14/06/2023 10:07

Honestly, some of the replies on here are so childish. People talking about blocking 😂 HOW old are you?

I literally don’t understand - when you planned how to get there - why you both didn’t talk about money then. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. It’s just a break down in communication.

It was literally as easy as one of you saying, ‘We’ll take my car’ and the other saying ‘Do you want me to go halves on the petrol?’

And she might’ve said yes. I understand you were taking her on an expensive (but also free) break so you might not have felt you had to, but it’s also a decent thing to do.

A lot of the time, a person just needs the offer and kindness of something (in her eyes, I suppose to know that you are offering to pay towards this ‘free holiday’ even if in your eyes, it’s not free).

And if she was willing to be compassionate, she was probably likely to say no and pay.

I agree that it’s incredibly cheeky to ask for petrol afterwards! But tbh I would just suck it up and pay. I guess it depends on what the rest of your friendship is like with her.

I would just be wary that if I was you, in the future I need to plan everything money-wise BEFORE the event.

If do think paying half petrol is fair, but I also do think that she could’ve let you off. Or got you something to say thank you.

I can see both of your trails of thought. So I can understand your frustration. But can also understand why she asked (though I don’t think it’s right!)

N0ChildrenYet · 14/06/2023 10:09

N0ChildrenYet · 14/06/2023 10:07

Honestly, some of the replies on here are so childish. People talking about blocking 😂 HOW old are you?

I literally don’t understand - when you planned how to get there - why you both didn’t talk about money then. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault. It’s just a break down in communication.

It was literally as easy as one of you saying, ‘We’ll take my car’ and the other saying ‘Do you want me to go halves on the petrol?’

And she might’ve said yes. I understand you were taking her on an expensive (but also free) break so you might not have felt you had to, but it’s also a decent thing to do.

A lot of the time, a person just needs the offer and kindness of something (in her eyes, I suppose to know that you are offering to pay towards this ‘free holiday’ even if in your eyes, it’s not free).

And if she was willing to be compassionate, she was probably likely to say no and pay.

I agree that it’s incredibly cheeky to ask for petrol afterwards! But tbh I would just suck it up and pay. I guess it depends on what the rest of your friendship is like with her.

I would just be wary that if I was you, in the future I need to plan everything money-wise BEFORE the event.

If do think paying half petrol is fair, but I also do think that she could’ve let you off. Or got you something to say thank you.

I can see both of your trails of thought. So I can understand your frustration. But can also understand why she asked (though I don’t think it’s right!)

Also a note - the HOW old are you is not directed at you, OP 😂

BillyNoM8s · 14/06/2023 10:17

KR2023 · 14/06/2023 09:50

To the company yes. Not to the OP.

The cost to her was her good work over the year/s. Can't put a figure on that. But on balance I would just pay the whole £40 as like another poster, I would cut off my nose to spite my face and cant stand anyone thing I am beholden to them.

Show quote history

OP was compensated for her good work with the trip. Are you suggesting that her friend also needs to place a monetary value on her friend's work for her employer? Confused

There's only a handful of people I'd take on a trip like this. One is way more broke than me so I'd cover all costs; one is my bestie and we'd probably end up in a row both trying to pay; my mum would always be the one to pay, but she can't drive; if I took DH then it would be a joint expense. I really can't imagine being offended and I really can't imagine not offering to split.

People are strange.

MsRosley · 14/06/2023 10:22

Honestly, some of the replies on here are so childish. People talking about blocking 😂 HOW old are you?

Old enough to understand that when a 'friend' treats you the way this woman did OP, they are not your friend by any reasonable definition of the word. Old enough to have good boundaries around other people's selfishness. Old enough to realise we can do a lot better, and don't have to put up with this behaviour from people.

GoldDuster · 14/06/2023 10:24

The people saying that the friend is completely reasonable for asking for money, is this something you would have done?

If you accepted an invitation to a weekend away as described, and had enough money to buy overpriced tat at the venue merch, would you ask for £20 petrol money when you got back from the weekend, which included all drinks, meals, and enterntainment?

Go...

MrsJHarker · 14/06/2023 10:27

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:38

True, but could you not also look at it as why have I had to work hard at a company for many years to get said perk which she hasn't?

Show quote history

That's how I see it.

You worked hard and got the perk. You could have chosen anyone to take.

Your friend is a CF.

Orangello · 14/06/2023 10:29

No it wasn't. It was a freebie from OP work. The cost to OP was £0

OP had something valuable, the value was 400 (per person). She gave the thing, costing 400 pounds, to a friend. She now does not have a thing that has a value of 400 pounds. How is it 0?
Friend - before 0, then a thing costing 400 pounds.
If I give something to a friend then the thing is what they get - its value does not change depending on how I obtained the thing.

Darker · 14/06/2023 10:36

When I offer to drive, I’m also offering to cover the cost.

If I wanted or needed money for petrol I would definitely have that discussion up front.

Cordeliathecat · 14/06/2023 11:01

Please don’t lose a friendship for the sake of £20. Life is too short. Just transfer the £20, no questions asked and don’t think about it again.

People have different attitudes to money. I’m very relaxed about money. Always happy to pick up the bill, I don’t stress about money at all. But I have friends who are the exact opposite and need everything to be precise, split down the middle, will insist on paying me back £3 for a coffee I have bought them etc.

In my experience, it’s not at all related to wealth, just the way people’s brains work.

Neither is right or wrong. Just accept you have different attitudes to money and stay friends!

burnoutbabe · 14/06/2023 11:01

Orangello · 14/06/2023 10:29

No it wasn't. It was a freebie from OP work. The cost to OP was £0

OP had something valuable, the value was 400 (per person). She gave the thing, costing 400 pounds, to a friend. She now does not have a thing that has a value of 400 pounds. How is it 0?
Friend - before 0, then a thing costing 400 pounds.
If I give something to a friend then the thing is what they get - its value does not change depending on how I obtained the thing.

But it wasn't convertible to cash?

It was hotel or nothing as far as we know.

Pinkfluff76 · 14/06/2023 11:05

Wow that’s horrendous. Did she even say thanks for the trip? Have you replied to her?

MavisMcMinty · 14/06/2023 11:10

I think many of you must have missed the much earlier post comparing it to giving someone some of your lottery winnings - you wouldn’t think “they didn’t earn that money so it’s not a real gift”, would you? Actually, maybe some of you would, going by your posts.

OP did a lovely thing for her friend, who spoilt it by asking for petrol money after being GIVEN a FREE weekend. And as I’ve said at least twice already, no fucking WAY does Bristol to London and back - 240 miles at most - cost £40 in petrol or diesel, unless she drove a Ferrari at 90mph all the way.

adamsaboutnothing · 14/06/2023 11:10

I've just read this article in the daily Mirror. How annoying that the OP has posted anonymously and now is likely to be "outed" by a newspaper!

MavisMcMinty · 14/06/2023 11:13

adamsaboutnothing · 14/06/2023 11:10

I've just read this article in the daily Mirror. How annoying that the OP has posted anonymously and now is likely to be "outed" by a newspaper!

And they quoted the most inane and banal replies, when there has been some great and/or amusing advice.

MrsJHarker · 14/06/2023 11:22

MavisMcMinty · 14/06/2023 11:13

And they quoted the most inane and banal replies, when there has been some great and/or amusing advice.

Show quote history

They must ne crap if they have to copy stories off of here all the time.

Orangello · 14/06/2023 11:31

But it wasn't convertible to cash?

First we don't know, maybe OP could have sold the experience as well, or at least charged half price. But it still had a value, friend got to stay in a hotel and eat and didn't have to pay.

as PP said, if I win something on lottery and instead of keeping it or giving it to someone else, I give it to you, does this mean that the gift has no value?

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