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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

774 replies

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:15

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

OP posts:
WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 11:11

Orchidgal · 13/06/2023 10:55

I don’t think it’s so much to do with relationships to people, as relationship / attitudes / norms wrt money.

I suspect that is you grow up without money worries, or at least in social circles without money worries, it is a ‘given’ that gratitude and generosity can be demonstrated by being generous with money.

If you grow up in circles where money is tight, then splitting costs / ‘pay for what you eat’ type budgeting is more of the norm. Doesn't mean they are tight, just that custom and ways of thinking are different.

Show quote history

DH was very deprived when growing up but wouldn't dream of asking someone for petrol money now that he can afford it. I think miserly/penny pinching attitudes are more to do with personality than anything else.

caringcarer · 13/06/2023 11:25

I'd pay the £20 but then never invite her to anything ever again. I'd distance myself from her and move on with other friends.

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 11:36

caringcarer · 13/06/2023 11:25

I'd pay the £20 but then never invite her to anything ever again. I'd distance myself from her and move on with other friends.

See this is how these chancers get away with it. They rely on people caving in and 'being nice'. Like hell should the OP give her the money. Not one penny. That sends the wrong message that CFery is rewarded by weak pushovers.

MavisMcMinty · 13/06/2023 11:40

georgarina · 13/06/2023 10:35

The people saying OP got it for free...
It doesn't matter who paid for it, it's the fact that OP chose to share it with this friend.
If a friend won the lottery and shared some with me, I wouldn't think 'oh well they got it for free, so it's not actually a gift'

Exactly!

Playingchesswithpigeons · 13/06/2023 11:51

I cannot fathom how many posters, think it's right for CF to be reimbursed as she's out of pocket?!

Friend's boyfriend buys 2 tickets for gf's fave band. I get chosen as +1. I get to see the band for free. I happily pay for petrol/parking.

Out with friend for lunch, she has a voucher & insists on paying for us both. I then pay for drinks.

Friend didn't pay anything, so EXACTLY same context in all scenarios, including the OP's.

Work have specifically given OP a perk, for her work. ( It has been paid for, just not by op ) Friend didn't have to go, but to then ask for half of petrol costs to arrive at the place, where everything from then on is free (an all paid expenses weekend away) is beyond rude and grabby.

It's basic manners! Courtesy ! what a reasonable person would do, to show thanks!
OP ignore the text for now, she will know you've seen it. See if she has the bottle, knowing you've ignored her request to ask again. Then pick a reply from the funniest replies above. Do let us know any outcome.

Jemandthehologramsunite · 13/06/2023 11:54

If my friend 'shouted' me a trip like this, I'd get her a small gift, maybe that's why the friend asking for the petrol money doesn't seem right. Yes the trip was free, but she chose you.

MavisMcMinty · 13/06/2023 12:08

OP ignore the text for now, she will know you've seen it. See if she has the bottle, knowing you've ignored her request to ask again. Then pick a reply from the funniest replies above. Do let us know any outcome.

Great advice @Playingchesswithpigeons .

Please @Sundaycoffee give us an update!

Mooey89 · 13/06/2023 12:21

Is she struggling financially?
things are really tight for me at the minute. I have a really careful budget, and unexpected long trip with petrol would be difficult in the budget
HOWEVER if a friend offered me this and I couldn’t afford to get myself there, I would tell them and let them take someone else. Friendships/relationships are about communication.
so no yanbu BUT there’s a huge difference if she’s financially comfortable or struggling.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 13/06/2023 12:26

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 11:11

DH was very deprived when growing up but wouldn't dream of asking someone for petrol money now that he can afford it. I think miserly/penny pinching attitudes are more to do with personality than anything else.

Show quote history

Money was more than "tight" when I was growing up too but I'd also never be such a CF. If I couldn't afford transport costs, I simply would decline and if I went, I'd get them a thank you gift too.

As for those who think it's doing a friend a "favour" to accept an expensive weekend away, (including a concert by someone OP said the friend actually liked and even bought merch) well they're having a laugh.

OP tbh I'd send it but tell her I was shocked that she'd asked and then cool the friendship. See it as worth the cost to find out what she's really like.

Trina89 · 13/06/2023 13:09

Playingchesswithpigeons · 13/06/2023 11:51

I cannot fathom how many posters, think it's right for CF to be reimbursed as she's out of pocket?!

Friend's boyfriend buys 2 tickets for gf's fave band. I get chosen as +1. I get to see the band for free. I happily pay for petrol/parking.

Out with friend for lunch, she has a voucher & insists on paying for us both. I then pay for drinks.

Friend didn't pay anything, so EXACTLY same context in all scenarios, including the OP's.

Work have specifically given OP a perk, for her work. ( It has been paid for, just not by op ) Friend didn't have to go, but to then ask for half of petrol costs to arrive at the place, where everything from then on is free (an all paid expenses weekend away) is beyond rude and grabby.

It's basic manners! Courtesy ! what a reasonable person would do, to show thanks!
OP ignore the text for now, she will know you've seen it. See if she has the bottle, knowing you've ignored her request to ask again. Then pick a reply from the funniest replies above. Do let us know any outcome.

It’s because they all also CFs…

Ariela · 13/06/2023 13:14

Will you get taxed on this perk or is it a legitimate byusiness expense?

If you#ll get taxed, then I sugest you ask her for the tax contribution, or at least tell her you will contra the £20 fuel against the amount you are taxed for the trip.

Trina89 · 13/06/2023 13:21

Mooey89 · 13/06/2023 12:21

Is she struggling financially?
things are really tight for me at the minute. I have a really careful budget, and unexpected long trip with petrol would be difficult in the budget
HOWEVER if a friend offered me this and I couldn’t afford to get myself there, I would tell them and let them take someone else. Friendships/relationships are about communication.
so no yanbu BUT there’s a huge difference if she’s financially comfortable or struggling.

I agree with the turning down the invite part. But I still don’t think what she did was okay.

I would have probably asked if I can contribute any cash, despite knowing it was free - given that the OP really could have taken anyone with her. I’m sure my friends would have said, “Don’t be silly - it’s free!” though. In that case, I would have bought my friend a gift as a token of appreciation for kindly thinking about me. Not sure what. I guess it would depend on someone’s personal money situation.

IF I couldn’t afford this, I wouldn’t have accepted the invite personally. I would have made an excuse saying I was busy. If my friend probed, I might have told her I can’t include transport in my tight budget. Same if I felt I couldn’t afford to drive there.

She’s a CF, skint or not.

maddening · 13/06/2023 13:36

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 10:32

My reply was to
burnoutbabe

You are giving people the tickets to something people will enjoy (or go on their own)

I'd assume me attending a trip to London with a friend was me doing them a favour. Keeping them company. I don't see I'd then have to pay all the travel costs myself for that favour. Costs should be split.

Show quote history

I would not see my company for a pleasure trip as a favour - if I was supporting a friend eg they were going to an interview/ medical appointment/ court case/ similar where I was there for moral support then yes, that is a favour.

Going to enjoy a treat is not a favour,.you are the recipient of a favour or treat.

Unless you class your presence as a favour to humanity due to your illustrious personality?

maddening · 13/06/2023 13:42

Preps · 13/06/2023 09:56

I'm going to suggest your figures are out of date. It's 120 miles Bristol to London. Petrol is currently c. £6.60 per gallon (4.55 litres in a gallon, £1.45 per litre) so unless you drive something that can do more than 120mpg....

Show quote history

Ha yes, had read the emissions 🤣 it is £17 for my car which is diesel and does 40mpg

MyYoniSaysNoni · 13/06/2023 13:49

My friend gets free tickets to stuff from her work. We live in different areas so we drive separately.

But, i always try and pay for dinner (if we get there early enough to eat) or drinks before the show. She doesn't expect this, often insists we go halves or that its her turn to pay, but i think its just basic manners to treat her (in a small way) when she's treating me to a fab night out.

misteek · 13/06/2023 14:06

You could argue that the driver didnt pay for any food or drink etc all weekend so was probably not out of pocket at all .

Ineededthat · 13/06/2023 14:27

If I was in OP’s position I’d be happy to share my good fortune, and would think my friend was doing me a favour by coming with me, I wouldn’t act like Lady Bountiful. I’d absolutely expect to share the fuel costs and if my friend offered to cover it all - and I knew she could afford it without making things tight - I’d accept.

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 14:30

I agree! That wasn’t my quote, it was burnoutbabes. Not sure what happened there in trying to reply to her, .

Mamabear48 · 13/06/2023 14:45

Don’t know why everyone saying she is being tight. She might not have a lot of money and really need the £20

MisschiefMaker · 13/06/2023 14:55

I wouldn't have asked if I was the friend but I think the replies show it's not such a clear cut issue. I would pay the money and not let it impact the friendship. Friends don't have to be perfect 100% of the time and being down £20 in a morally ambiguous situation isn't enough to ruin a friendship imo.

sodthesodoff · 13/06/2023 15:16

Mamabear48 · 13/06/2023 14:45

Don’t know why everyone saying she is being tight. She might not have a lot of money and really need the £20

Maybe don't buy all the merch then?

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 15:41

Mamabear48 · 13/06/2023 14:45

Don’t know why everyone saying she is being tight. She might not have a lot of money and really need the £20

Then she shouldn't have accepted OP's offer then, if she couldn't afford it. Her not having a lot of money is not OP's fault, and is no excuse to sponge off the OP.

BillyNoM8s · 13/06/2023 15:50

I'm more surprised so many people would let their good friend pay for all the transport costs as well as do the driving! I could never.

I would foot the bill on all sides of this scenario without complaint and if I was the friend I wouldn't ask for the petrol money. But my friend would never have to ask for it anyway, as I would've offered already.

I think friend is possibly a bit miffed that she wasn't offered a contribution and it was just assumed that she would pay.

I wouldn't expect my additional costs to be funded by a friend, regardless of the "perk" value or how I came about receiving it.

I'm clearly in the minority and should start demanding more gratitude from others.

florentina1 · 13/06/2023 16:11

I am on the fence with this. If I had been given this perk, I would have offered half the petrol money without being asked.

if the friend was posting, she might have written, “Is my friend being greedy? She was given a completely free trip, she asked me to accompany her then wanted me to pay her travel her costs”.

it seems to be a question of semantics.

Boomshock · 13/06/2023 16:32

florentina1 · 13/06/2023 16:11

I am on the fence with this. If I had been given this perk, I would have offered half the petrol money without being asked.

if the friend was posting, she might have written, “Is my friend being greedy? She was given a completely free trip, she asked me to accompany her then wanted me to pay her travel her costs”.

it seems to be a question of semantics.

And the vast vast majority of posters would have told the friend she was being a cheeky fucker, that it wasn't a 'free trip' for her friend, it was very much earned, it was 'free' for her apart from the petrol costs which she should have been happy to pay and that they would have also bought gifts and so on....

She would be torn apart for being ungrateful when the friend could have offered the extra place to anyone else.