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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that my friend is asking me to pay her money?

774 replies

Sundaycoffee · 12/06/2023 20:15

I was given a very nice perk through work for myself and a plus one for an all expenses paid trip, it included hotel, all food and drink and entertainment for the value of £400 per person and I chose to take a particualr friend. My friend kindly drove us there and back (Bristol to London). She text me today asking me to transfer her half of the petrol money for the trip (£20)
AIBU to think if someone had done the same for me I would let the petrol money slide?

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 13/06/2023 09:30

maddening · 13/06/2023 08:43

They would have had to pay for food and drink at home.

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A weekend's worth of food and drink for just me alone at home would come to less than a tenner, so not really comparable.

Kiwano · 13/06/2023 09:30

SillySausage81 · 13/06/2023 09:25

I'm going to go against the grain here an say I don't think she's being unreasonable. You didn't pay for the trip, your work did, so you aren't out of pocket at all whereas she's £40 down.

You don't mention travel being included in the package, so presumably if she hadn't driven then either you would have driven, thus spending £40 in petrol yourself, or you both would have got the train (spending anywhere between £20 and £100 each depending on the times and dates iirc).

The way she's expecting to do it, you're both paying the same amount.

Except that, unless friend drives something very big and expensive, petrol from Bristol to London and back did not cost £40.

GoldDuster · 13/06/2023 09:31

burnoutbabe · 13/06/2023 09:28

Well it would be keeping them co pant so they enjoy it?

I'd assume they would not want to do it alone and so want someone to come along.

Not that they particularly picked a trip that they really thought I'd particularly want to go on.(which would be a different story)

If a mate says they had free tickets to say Coldplay (who neither of us are fussed by) I'd go along to keep them company. Unless we knew a third person who loved Coldplay.

As I say it's a weird work park -giving them cash (which is taxable). But had to be spent in a certain way on a trip to London. But not including any travel costs. (Hence assuming work for a hotel chain)

This presumes that they only have you as an option. It would be far more polite to decline than to attend as some kind of plus one martyr who was donating their time to a charity.

coconutpie · 13/06/2023 09:35

OP, YANBU. Your friend is a CF. Also, your "work perk" was not "for free" as some previous posters have said. You were given it because presumably you worked hard at your job and earned it. Otherwise you would not have been given it. Just because you didn't physically hand over £400 cash per person for this trip, doesn't mean it was free. I'd respond to friend saying: "seriously? You are asking for £20 travel money after I took you along on an all expenses paid trip worth £400 each? Next time I will know better and invite someone else who will appreciate my generosity."

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 09:39

SillySausage81 · 13/06/2023 09:25

I'm going to go against the grain here an say I don't think she's being unreasonable. You didn't pay for the trip, your work did, so you aren't out of pocket at all whereas she's £40 down.

You don't mention travel being included in the package, so presumably if she hadn't driven then either you would have driven, thus spending £40 in petrol yourself, or you both would have got the train (spending anywhere between £20 and £100 each depending on the times and dates iirc).

The way she's expecting to do it, you're both paying the same amount.

OP receives money/perks from her workplace in exchange for the work that she does for them. Its not "free" anymore than her salary is free money.

maddening · 13/06/2023 09:40

SillySausage81 · 13/06/2023 09:30

A weekend's worth of food and drink for just me alone at home would come to less than a tenner, so not really comparable.

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And fuel from Bristol to London is £6 each way based on the rac fuel calculator

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 09:44

Preps · 13/06/2023 09:12

I think things probably key. I live it a world where tickets are often floating around and they're not always easy to get rid of. People do often take them just to see them used/fill the seats rather than because of any burning desire to see the event or to keep someone company who is obliged to go becuase of their work. If you don't live that life this is a huge treat to be grateful for. If you're often asked to do these things, it can be a favour.

Not everyone's life is the same, hence the varied responses.

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If you live in a world where you are constantly being given free food and alcohol and tickets for events, you're not going to ask someone to give you 20 pounds for petrol.

Preps · 13/06/2023 09:49

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 09:44

If you live in a world where you are constantly being given free food and alcohol and tickets for events, you're not going to ask someone to give you 20 pounds for petrol.

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I live in a world where I often have free tickets to "get rid" of and it's not always easy, sometimes people do take them as a favour to me. I wouldn't expect them to incurr costs to do me that favour and would consider I was "hosting".

If it was reversed and I was accepting the tickets, I definitely wouldn't ask for fuel money, but as the benefactor I wouldn't assume that my guest would cover it either. In most cases they'd refuse the offer to pay, but I would always offer.

Mistressofnone · 13/06/2023 09:56

I know what I'd like to say back but in reality I'd probably reply

'thanks for driving! I don't know if I was clear but I'm not expecting you to pay towards this weekend away. It was worth £400 and I wanted someone to enjoy it with me. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!'

Preps · 13/06/2023 09:56

maddening · 13/06/2023 09:40

And fuel from Bristol to London is £6 each way based on the rac fuel calculator

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I'm going to suggest your figures are out of date. It's 120 miles Bristol to London. Petrol is currently c. £6.60 per gallon (4.55 litres in a gallon, £1.45 per litre) so unless you drive something that can do more than 120mpg....

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 09:58

Preps · 13/06/2023 09:49

I live in a world where I often have free tickets to "get rid" of and it's not always easy, sometimes people do take them as a favour to me. I wouldn't expect them to incurr costs to do me that favour and would consider I was "hosting".

If it was reversed and I was accepting the tickets, I definitely wouldn't ask for fuel money, but as the benefactor I wouldn't assume that my guest would cover it either. In most cases they'd refuse the offer to pay, but I would always offer.

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What sort of events are you talking about? I don't believe that if you live in a world where everyone iss constantly invited to events where there's loads of free food and alcohol supplied that you would be discussing fuel costs. That's quite penny pinching for people on high incomes.

Tumbleweed101 · 13/06/2023 09:59

I'd share petrol costs in this situation since it seems to the only outlay for either party.

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 10:05

You have to be joking or very tight surely?
As a thank you gesture you’d not let the £20 go even though you’d need to drive there yourself anyway and spend £40 petrol regardless if you gave her a lift or not. Would you buy a gift such as crocs etc as a thank you- I had a fabulous weekend etc ? If so then waive the £20 instead of gift buying or better still get a gift on top.

Doing her a favour? My goodness - how about the huge favour bestowed onto you of a free weekend of drink and food.
I’m very grateful I have friends on my wavelength.
The value of friendship and that weekend having fun with a friend all paid is worth far more than that £20.

Wishimaywishimight · 13/06/2023 10:06

I totally agree she is a CF and a very mean friend to ask for this however she could, I suppose, respond that the weekend cost you nothing whereas she had to pay for petrol. I would pay the £20, send a brief (cold) text saying "paid" then never include her in any of your perks going forward.

You did a nice thing and she is being extremely ungracious.

Yerroblemom1923 · 13/06/2023 10:06

I'd offer to pay to cover half the petrol as friend is technically doing you a favour by getting you there (for free, seemingly). Would you still have been able to go if she didn't drive you there? Would you have had to fork out on a train ticket?
Maybe friend is v skint and hated having to ask.
I haven't rtft so apologies if these have already been addressed.

mast0650 · 13/06/2023 10:15

It's not something I would ever do, but maybe she's genuinely short of money? If I thought that £20 was a lot to her, then I would pay. If you hadn't taken her and gone by yourself you would have had to pay for transport. She really should have mentioned it in advance though when you planned the trip rather than just assume. But if she is otherwise a good friend I certainly wouldn't write her off on the basis of this!

Goodiewhemper · 13/06/2023 10:21

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 12/06/2023 22:05

Yes.This.

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Yes. She has shown you who she is.

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 10:32

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 10:05

You have to be joking or very tight surely?
As a thank you gesture you’d not let the £20 go even though you’d need to drive there yourself anyway and spend £40 petrol regardless if you gave her a lift or not. Would you buy a gift such as crocs etc as a thank you- I had a fabulous weekend etc ? If so then waive the £20 instead of gift buying or better still get a gift on top.

Doing her a favour? My goodness - how about the huge favour bestowed onto you of a free weekend of drink and food.
I’m very grateful I have friends on my wavelength.
The value of friendship and that weekend having fun with a friend all paid is worth far more than that £20.

My reply was to
burnoutbabe

You are giving people the tickets to something people will enjoy (or go on their own)

I'd assume me attending a trip to London with a friend was me doing them a favour. Keeping them company. I don't see I'd then have to pay all the travel costs myself for that favour. Costs should be split.

georgarina · 13/06/2023 10:33

category12 · 12/06/2023 21:13

I dont think it is about 20 quid. It is about lack of appreciation on friend's part to ask for the money after the trip shamelessly.

@Caramelatt Well I see it as more of a two-way thing - OP wanted someone to come with her, and picked this person presumably because they got on well and she liked her company, and she felt assured she'd have a good time with her.

It's not a one-way thing where the other person should just be pitifully grateful to be picked. And the friend did all the driving.

Like I said earlier, if I was the friend I wouldn't have asked, but if I was the OP I would have offered half the petrol.

No one said the friend had to be 'pitifully grateful' 😂
Just not ask for more after being given a free trip.

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 10:35

@Sundaycoffee Here is what I'd text back in reply:

"I don't know whether to feel hurt or disbelief at this and assume it's a bad joke. Let me get this straight; I shouted you a free all expenses paid trip including hotel all food, drink and entertainment provided, to the value of £400 each. You paid nothing for accommodation, food or drink and free entertainment. And you're seeking an extra £20? Shall I take it out of the £400 you owe me which will leave you owing me £380? Or shall we just talk this up to you having a greedy chancer brainfart and pretend you hadn't made your request?"

georgarina · 13/06/2023 10:35

The people saying OP got it for free...
It doesn't matter who paid for it, it's the fact that OP chose to share it with this friend.
If a friend won the lottery and shared some with me, I wouldn't think 'oh well they got it for free, so it's not actually a gift'

FelisCatus0 · 13/06/2023 10:37

*chalk this up

Goodiewhemper · 13/06/2023 10:37

MsRosley · 12/06/2023 23:47

😆

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😂😂😂

WomblingTree86 · 13/06/2023 10:52

liverpoolgal82 · 13/06/2023 10:32

My reply was to
burnoutbabe

You are giving people the tickets to something people will enjoy (or go on their own)

I'd assume me attending a trip to London with a friend was me doing them a favour. Keeping them company. I don't see I'd then have to pay all the travel costs myself for that favour. Costs should be split.

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To avoid miscommunication, perhaps ask them if they consider that you are doing them a favour by bestowing them with your great company rather than just assuming. They may see it as the other way around and prefer to invite someone who sees things the way they do. Also ask in advance if they would like to pay for your great company and fuel costs as well as providing free tickets food and alcohol.

Orchidgal · 13/06/2023 10:55

MrsMikeDrop · 13/06/2023 08:34

Agree with this so much. I don't think most of those people actually have normal, healthy relationships with friends and family in RL

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I don’t think it’s so much to do with relationships to people, as relationship / attitudes / norms wrt money.

I suspect that is you grow up without money worries, or at least in social circles without money worries, it is a ‘given’ that gratitude and generosity can be demonstrated by being generous with money.

If you grow up in circles where money is tight, then splitting costs / ‘pay for what you eat’ type budgeting is more of the norm. Doesn't mean they are tight, just that custom and ways of thinking are different.