Exhausted feeding my family

[winterrrain]

It's not even a large family.

2 children and two adults. My Husband, my son aged 10 and my youngest aged 2.

My eldest and husband eat three cooked meals a day. Every day. They also expect a plate of fruit and a plate of salad to be out in the evening to snack on.

They all eat at different times and won't eat the same food. My Husband only eats his own country's cuisine and my Son doesn't like spicy food.

They reject any ready meals or processed food (I guess in a way that's good but he odd cheat meal I'd like as a break).

My Husband also likes a drink of tea made with milk and Cardamon in which is a faff to make and he has a few times a day. He also has a milkshake which contains banana and nuts in the morning.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

They're both quite fussy and don't like a lot of food which can be batch cooked but my Son will eat spaghetti bolognese and shepherds pie but only the meat can be frozen he won't eat the mash if it's been frozen and he can easily tell.

I'm spending all day cooking and cleaning up after the family.

I work three days a week from home. Husband works full time from home.

My Eldest has a cooked meal at school.

They both like an omlette for breakfast. No toast and butter or cereal for these two 🙄

They have hot meals for every meal of the day.

Since I had my youngest I'm struggling with energy to do it all to be honest.

AIBU?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂 But wanted to know I'm not being unreasonable.
Any tips to make things a little easier?
Any batch cooking recipies I could think of?

Agreed, curry gives lots of options. My mum would cook a big pot of food (curry/Dhal/veggies/roast chicken etc) and everybody had to eat it, no ifs or buts. If we wanted something different like pasta or pizza, we would make it ourselves as there would be frozen pizza in the freezer and pasta in the cupboard.

I think it's time to start teaching DS the basics of cooking, so it's not a shock to him as he starts to cook for himself.

Making the water for your son is just embarrassing for all of you

I'd do it maybe once if I was in the kitchen making dinner otherwise that's a hard no

can't you just add spices to spag bol and shepherd's pie ?
iv always add spices to British food as it is bland.

This is about so much more than cooking…

Pakistani. Yes it's normal in Indian/Pakistani culture.
But most people still insist on everyone eating the same meal and children eating what they're served.
I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Careful because you will soon have three people expecting you to run around and cater for their every whim.

We have whatever whoever is cooking decides to make. Tonight I’m doing lasagna, Dh doesn’t want it so he’s doing himself something else.

I do this with the shepherds pie. So I will do the mince and onion and add spices to DH's portion to make a curry.

I've always felt if I choose to work that can't impact my ability to do housework

I can’t believe I have just read this. If you genuinely believe that then I don’t think there is much anyone can say to help you tbh.

I get making your son a different dinner as he eats earlier than the parents anyway. I think I'd make easy dinners for him like jacket potatoes, pizza, nuggets/veggie burgers etc. But I wouldn't be making hot food for breakfast and lunch! Here breakfast is fruit/croissant/toast/waffles/cereal. Think I'd slice up half a lemon, and leave on a plate. He can make his own drinks for now on. Your husband can get his own drinks too.

Why do you need a daughter to help?
Come on now
You know what the problem is.

We are south Asian. Husband comes from a family where men don’t lift a finger. He has a ‘very important job’.

guess what? We both work work as partners and help eachother out and muck in. We don’t leave one person run ragged. You probably need to teach these values to your husband, if you want it to be more of a partnership. At the moment my husband does far more than I do because I’m breastfeeding and I can’t get much else done. He deals with our other kids too.

i refuse to be a martyr and try to do everything. He might be used to seeing women in his family doing the traditional thing but doesn’t mean it should be okay for you especially as you also have a job. You’re not setting a good example to your son either. So if you want to change things then tell him what’s what. If he won’t listen then you have bigger problems. If you want to do it yourself the pp have given good advice about batch cooking etc but life is too short to be a skivvy.

*Husband only likes his countries cuisine and says British food is bland to him.

Son doesn't like any spicy food.

Not sure how to manage that one.*

Get him a bottle of hot sauce.

For everything else just stop being the housemaid, they have no respect for you. Your husband particularly is a joke of a man expecting his special milk like he's a baby.

Have a snack for your eldest when he gets in from school (ideally something he can prepare or you can put together quickly, such as a mini wrap and salad/other fillings from the fridge), then all sit down for dinner together.

Get the eldest to plan and cook one meal a week. Hopefully your husband will do the right thing and sit down with the family to eat it.

Are there some meals like dhal where you can have a mild dish for your son and fried spice to add as a topping for your husband? Also curries, where the same main ingredients go in separate pots, one mild and one spicy? We do something similar to make vegetarian versions.

I make a large soup several times a week and that is often lunch. Can easily add different toppings - baked tofu, fried chicken, etc.

This.

Why are you doing all the cooking/meals?

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Just get your sons to help!!

Have you been in Uk long?

I am also a white British woman married to an man of Indian heritage and I understand your issues. However I do think you need to put your foot down. Could your son no have a simple snack at 4pm which he is able to help himself to and then eat with you later.

Have you tried making less spicy curries? My DH like them far spicier than me but I make them to my taste and he add extra spice to his own. You could just make the standard sauce with less chilli powder.

Your son could be taught to make his own drinks and snacks. Provide a cold breakfast on the understanding that if anyone wants a cooked one they can do it themselves.

If you don't change this now it will only get worse as teenage boys eat a LOT. My 2 get cold breakfast and fruit set out by DH, lunch is from school or made themselves from whatever is in the fridge at weekends and then I make 1 evening meal. Anyone not around when I serve can help themselves and heat it up later or cook for themself.

We do usually eat together but not always.

Good luck with changing your routine.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Jesus Christ.

You don't need a vagina to cook or clean OP.

This is so depressing.

Thanks for helping to raise another generation with misogynists in it 👍🏻

I know older boys who were raised like your sons and when they went to university, their mums used to drive up with clean laundry and cooked food, make the bed with fresh sheets and duvet cover then take dirty laundry back. If mum couldn't come up laundry that week then they would buy new clothes and live off takeaways. I know that university is in 8 years but in my experience, it's best to gradually increase how much kids do so that it's not a shock when they go to university. My kids started using an iron around your son's age and could change a single bed including the duvet cover and started making sandwiches by Reception age including chopping veg which they often did as an activity at nursery.

You need to start training your ds now so he doesn't expect this from girlfriends and end up unhappy when they don't stick around. When he gets himself a water, he should be offering to make one for you and his father too. He needs to see his dad do the same when he makes his chai. The older you leave it, the harder it will be. Your ds may moan and complain now but you have a better chance of turning it around now than when he's 15.

No one NEEDS A DAUGHTER TO HELP.

Seriously what century are you in. Do you want a daughter so you can slave drive her? Look up the Pink Ladoo project, it addresses south Asian gender bias, that our people have shipped over from back home. You need to put a stop to it.

you sound like a 50 year old Aunty jee. 🤦‍♀️

Exactly, that statement makes me want to vomit even more than the one where her job is impacting her housework.

My 11 year old..... just turned 11, makes all her own drinks including hot chocolate (and sometimes a cuppa for the adults too), she gets her own breakfast and can do her own no cooked lunch (sandwiches etc). It's taken a while to get to this point.
My husband eats meat and I do not, we also sometimes work strange hours so he will make his own breakfast, lunch and dinner and also my 11 year old's meals.

When I am cooking they get what they are given depending on how much time I have.

Both your husband and eldest need to change their expectations and learn a bit of independence. Can you start small and get them doing their own food?

Plus, it's not just about training your son to start cooking or changing his duvet cover or whatever - which is good - it's about raising him to have a positive attitude to girls and women and shared domestic chores.

You answered your own question - tell them to get their own food!!

You don't need a daughter to help, you need the people who live in your house to get off their arses and help out too. You're raising boys who think cooking and cleaning is women's work, and then some poor woman will be posting on here in 15 years time about her useless DH and the cycle continues.

I understand there may be cultural issues at play but I don't think cultural reasons or expectations are an excuse for misogynistic shit. I work three days a week and my husband makes his own lunches and breakfasts because he's a 38yo man who can look after himself.

Stop being a skivvy, let your sons learn to cook and clean for themselves before their future partner ends up driven into the ground like you are.