Exhausted feeding my family

[winterrrain]

It's not even a large family.

2 children and two adults. My Husband, my son aged 10 and my youngest aged 2.

My eldest and husband eat three cooked meals a day. Every day. They also expect a plate of fruit and a plate of salad to be out in the evening to snack on.

They all eat at different times and won't eat the same food. My Husband only eats his own country's cuisine and my Son doesn't like spicy food.

They reject any ready meals or processed food (I guess in a way that's good but he odd cheat meal I'd like as a break).

My Husband also likes a drink of tea made with milk and Cardamon in which is a faff to make and he has a few times a day. He also has a milkshake which contains banana and nuts in the morning.

My Eldest has a hot chocolate in the evening and water throughout the day but brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

They're both quite fussy and don't like a lot of food which can be batch cooked but my Son will eat spaghetti bolognese and shepherds pie but only the meat can be frozen he won't eat the mash if it's been frozen and he can easily tell.

I'm spending all day cooking and cleaning up after the family.

I work three days a week from home. Husband works full time from home.

My Eldest has a cooked meal at school.

They both like an omlette for breakfast. No toast and butter or cereal for these two 🙄

They have hot meals for every meal of the day.

Since I had my youngest I'm struggling with energy to do it all to be honest.

AIBU?

I don't think there's a solution unless I tell them to get their own food 😂 But wanted to know I'm not being unreasonable.
Any tips to make things a little easier?
Any batch cooking recipies I could think of?

I keep a pot of lemon and lime slices in the freezer. When ice is ready,I tip the cubes into a clean ice cream tub and keep it topped up so that there are plenty of loose cubes ready.It's easier for everyone to serve themselves whenever they want.Your DS can get his own water.

The 10 year old is following in Dads footsteps and sees it as a birthright to be waited on. You owe it to him and his future wife to not facilitate this. My 6 year old with SEN makes all his own drinks, and can happily assemble sandwiches, wraps , pizzas ,toasties and simple pasta dishes with minimal supervision. Make it fun, provide Tupperware with meat, cheese and salad already chopped if you want and make it a fun thing for him. Your husband wants to be fussy he needs to either make some of those meals for himself or allow you to batch cook and reheat, I’m picturing stews/ curries which all batch and store very well.
you’ve got time to switch the narrative here, you can preserve your husbands culture and preferences while also teaching your children to be self sufficient and not treat you like a domestic servant. You deserve time to enjoy other things.

I don't think it is normal anymore, OP. I'm Pakistani too and I just wouldn't do all of this. I think your DH is expecting too much.

What would his reaction be if you stopped the tea, the shakes and just cooked once a day?

Don't the ice cubes stick together?

Your DH can make the omelettes surely? He can also make his own Chai. He can surely make his own lunch too, and just cook an evening meal. Cut up a lemon and sure your 10yr old can put some ice and water in his glass. You’re teaching him also that a woman will wait on him, not something I’d want to teach my boys

Cultural expectations are not an excuse. My husband was raised in a similar way. Guess what? That's not how we live and never have for 35 years. Our adult son can cook and managed fine at university. So no excuse to perpetuate this.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help

WTF have I just read?! Don’t you dare let the men off the hook like that. You have a DH who can help. You have a son who can help.

Do they really think it’s acceptable thats you refill your ten year olds water glass? Honestly that is disgusting!

I work FT so domestic labour is split between me and DH. But even amongst my friends, who are now SAHMs to DC in their teens/away at uni/boarding school, who have DHs who are running billion £ companies none of them act like this.

Trying a different tack...

You are a disgrace op.

Not for making your own one life utterly shit and miserable, that's your choice.

But for teaching two young boys that a women's role is to serve men.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Say whaaaaat?!
Okay folks, give up on this one, she's a lost cause.

My 4yo can get her own glasses of water.

If your DH is working from home he can make an omelette for him and your DS in the morning.

Your Dh can do half the cooking so he can sort your and his dinner out and you can sort the kids.

I assume they can manage to cut some fruit between them? I make DH a cuppa if I’m having one and vice versa

I’m Indian, I don’t cook breakfast for my DH, he does DD’s breakfast on weekends. I’m a SAHM mum so I guess I could but tbh I’m busy sorting the 3yr old, don’t have time to pander to a grown man and tbf to DH he’s never expected me to. Culture here is an excuse for being a lazy sod. If DH insisted on eating only one cuisine he would also be cooking it.

You really don’t have to do all this. It would make me utterly miserable.

Oh no this has been taken out of context.
I mean in the cultural thinking. Not mine.

@winterrrain

why are you doing all the cooking and cleaning for your husband and son OP? Can you answer that?

why can't your husband cook? is he always lazy?

WOW just WOW, your eldest son aged 10, has a cooked breakfast (omelette) a cooked lunch at school and a cooked meal when he gets in from school as well as fruit and salad in between.
Thats an awful lot of food, your food bill must be huge.
Son has had 2 cooked meals, agree omelette is better than cereal, but porridge every other day is just as good with fruit.
You can chop up lemons put in a sip lock bag in the freezer, son can get his own water and add lemon slices as his ice cubes himself.
When he comes in from school it would be beans on toast or a sandwich, followed by a yogurt and some fruit which can easily be prepared by him at aged 10, followed by him loading up the dishwasher, or washing up, if he was a girl would she be helping you at aged 10?

You did not say which of the food types your eating, do you eat the very spicy food husband has, do you eat at the same time as husband or with child?
Your husband can get his own drinks, and make you one at the same time, your not his slave.
Yours and husbands main meal at 7pm, think id be batch cooking putting into portions sizes, and freezing, (it was your son that does not like frozen mash, so presume husband ok with frozen foods, )that way pull out put in the oven.

Batch cooking for all, could be done at weekends with all helping out, even if its the 10 year old watching and playing with the 2 year old while you and husband chop cook freeze.

Oh no this has been taken out of context.
I mean in the cultural thinking. Not mine.

So why are you, a woman, making glasses of water for a 10 year old boy (and teaching him that cooking and cleaning are exclusively women's work, even if the woman works outside the home too) instead of making it clear that it isn't a woman's job to serve men?

brings me the glass each time to refill as he will only drink it with ice and lemon in which he apparently can't make himself 🙄

🙄 indeed, OP. And you take it from his hand and refill it, do you?

Why can't you say no?

Eg. Son wants an omelette for breakfast. He is a child, he doesn't buy the food or cook it, you do. Just because he wants it doesn't mean he gets it. Just say no, thats too much work mon-fri you can have that on saturday.

Husband: i want x cuisine
You: ok, if you give me a list I can pick up ingredients next time im at the supermarket so you can cook it.

Bloody hell, your DS is very spoilt, and it sounds like he could be picking that attitude up from your DH.

You need to stop doing all this unless you want your DS to grow up to be a nightmare and quite likely a misogynist.

Just thinking about a 10 year old demanding that they must have ice and lemon in every glass of water is pissing me off.

What about your culture...
I am in mixed culture marriage and I would in no way tolerate doing things just by his cultural dictates. Nor would he tolerate home being just my culture. We are married and both our cultures are important (plus the different one we live in).
Plus you live on your home turf so yours should be bit stronger by default anyway.

@arethereanyleftatall agree.

Even if cultural was YOUR basis of choice for creating this for husband , I cannot fathom why you would willingly and knowingly wish to raise a child this way.

You will be the poster MIL someone is moaning about in years to come.

I have two sons so no help either.
Some have a Daughter or more to help.

Please, please, please do not raise your son to think that only girls need to help at home.

Living in the UK at least, he will never get anyone to live with/marry him, british people (including many/most from indian and Pakistani heritage) do not value lazy feckers who expect to be waited on and hand and foot so he'll either starve or you'll be stuck waiting on him forever.

Jesus fucking Christ.
you clearly couldn’t cope with our rules, so here’s a modified version for you to adopt. print it out
Core principles

1. I’m your mum/wife, not your slave
2. you are all functioning human beings with two hands, two legs and a decent brain
3. part of a parents role is bringing up capable children

rules

1. Everyone makes your own breakfast. You could add: If you are 10 or over you may make cooked breakfasts if you have practiced wiht a parent on the weekend and been told you’re ok.
2. Everyone clears up your own breakfast. If you’re old enough to cook your own you are old enough to wash the pan
3. everyone makes their own tea
4. mum doesn’t cook lunch. Everyone makes their own lunch and we make family lunch on the weekend with everyone helping.
5. mum cooks O.N.E meal per night. I’ve done a roster that rotates between all of us and on the night with your name on it I’ll cook something you like, the people who don’t like that can eat it or make their own food. If you are going to be out you can swap roster nights with someone as long as you give me enough notice.
6. after school snacks can be x y and z. These will tide you over till 7pm dinner.
7. dinner is at 7pm

my 7yo makes his own cereal and often does the 4yos. If he asked for a cooked breakfast we’d laugh our heads off. I have to get to work!! We cook one meal per night and tough luck for anyone who doesn’t like it, the kids generally adapt eventually. Dh obviously is expected to cook as much as I do and the kids help prep the meal, clear their bowl etc.

I find that most of my friends here in Stepford look after our families this way.
You will remember to change into something that he thinks is nice when you sit down to the meal won't you.
A spray of home grown flowers on the table will complete the picture I think.
I am certainly on your side OP.