Our local Catholic church doesn't want us there. I can't understand why

[BlueMediterranean]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share an issue my partner and I have been facing at our local Catholic church and get your thoughts on it. We moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and bought a house here. The schools in the area are somewhat average, and the best one by far is a Catholic school. Being Catholics ourselves, we thought we wouldn't have any issues.

Initially, we didn't attend church because I was heavily pregnant, and after that, I experienced postpartum depression, which made it difficult for me to feel comfortable leaving the house with my baby. However, my partner started going to the evening mass on Sundays instead of the morning one. We officially registered with the church when we moved here.

After about 6-7 months, I joined him at the evening mass. From the very beginning, we found it strange that the priest never greeted anyone. As soon as he finished his sermon, he would disappear. Everyone would leave, and there was no socializing whatsoever.

One day, we went to talk to him about baptizing our baby, but he told us that he didn't know us well enough and asked us to continue attending the mass. We found this odd but decided to keep going. A few months later, we asked again, and he gave us the same response. In fact, he didn't remember us and thought we wanted to register as new members.

That's when we started to worry. If the priest never greets anyone and leaves immediately after the sermon, how can he get to know anyone? We could attend mass for years, and he wouldn't even know our names.

We had to rearrange some personal commitments to attend the Sunday morning mass to see if things were different, but he still doesn't greet anyone. We persisted in asking about the baptism and were given the contact information of a church volunteer who organizes the baptism course. Unfortunately, our emails to this person have gone unanswered, and when we asked in person, they claimed not to have received them.

I am truly baffled by all of this. Why does the church ignore us in this manner? I am now worried about how we'll obtain the necessary paperwork to register our daughter at the Catholic school if they won't even baptize her.

There must be a reason behind all of this, but I honestly can't comprehend it. I have considered volunteering, but both my partner and I work full-time jobs, which makes it challenging.

If anyone has any insights or suggestions, please share them. We would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Its because you're unmarried.

Agree with all of this. We baptised ours in the last 12 months and all of this was true for us. No idea what this course is everyone is talking about 🙈

This is odd.

Mass isn't over after the sermon. Why is the priest leaving at that point? There's the Creed, the collection, the Offertory, Eucharistic Prayer, Communion, and the final blessing still ahead.

Most parishes have a parish staff, either paid or volunteer, who take care of vetting parents before baptism, etc.

Are you saying this parish is in such disarray that nobody does anything about baptisms? What about weddings and funerals?

Does the parish have a bulletin you can pick up after Mass in the church vestibule?

Sometimes a parish bulletin has contact details for the parish office, etc.

Not saying you’re doing this OP, but I think my local church is a bit sick of the countless parents claiming to be religious to get their kids into the (usually best) local church school, with them conveniently attending around the time applications are being made, never to be seen, or seen very sporadically, once the application has been successful. Might it be that he thinks you’re trying to do this, especially if you’re not married - so might he think you’re not actually Catholic? Not saying you have to be married to be religious but a priest might have that view.

This will be it. Judgemental, and small minded. Also probably assuming you’re just trying to get into the school, as it happens a lot. Possibly some racism in the mix too, if English isn’t your first language.

Churches attract judgmental, unkind people a lot of the time.

If you aren't married the Church will regard you as living in sin and not good Catholics. Why aren't you married?

Our church over the years have had some very strange priests, but the community surrounding the church has always been very welcoming and if you're able to attend any of the events in the church newsletter - coffee morning etc, that's usually a way to meet the congregation. Make yourself known to the church administrator- they will be the ones enrolling you on the course and assisting the priest with the admin involved with baptism and forms needed for Catholic school.

When we moved and joined our local Catholic church, we made ourselves known to the priest and set up a small direct debit to the church. We called it our direct debit to God, but at the time we had one particular priest, who seemed to only form a relationship with those that seemed to give regularly. It's madness, but at the time worked for us.

Also, look into the other church, it might more welcoming. At the local Catholic school, not all families go to same church. We have about three in a 5 mile radius that people attend.

Some priest are too old to be doing the work, some come from some non English speaking countries.
I’d be calling the archbishop, bishop, cardinal etc. which might in the end mean a move to a different parish.

I wouldn't expect to hear it in the sermon but I can't agree with not saying anything privately to the couple if a priest really believes that their immortal soul is in danger because of mortal sin. How could you not? I don't think that would be good shepherding.

I knew lots of families with many children who didn't use birth control. The priest has never said anything (the topic has never come up anyway) but I've been told by a member of a parish that I'm going to hell over birth control. I don't agree with it but, if they believe that, I guess their conscience would mean they had to say something, and I won't begrudge them saying it for that reason. It comes from a caring place, I just don't agree with it.

I don't go to church now and haven't for a long time. That's a mortal sin too.

In the US, it's normal for RC parishes to keep a register of members. My parish has about 3000 members.

It's assumed that your children will be baptised and receive first communion and confirmation in the parish church where you're registered and that they will attend evening religious education classes there if they attend the public schools.

If you want to get married in a church, you would need to be registered in the parish - you can't just pick a church and book a wedding there. The parish priest is responsible for making sure both parties are free to marry and understand what they're getting into. In the case of baptism, again, the priest has the responsibility to make sure the parents are practising Catholics who will in fact bring up their child to know and observe their faith, and not just having a baptism for the chance to have a party.

Data on parish membership, Mass attendance, and weekly collection/ direct debit contributions are used when the bishop is deciding on parish amalgamation or closures.

Addresses and email addresses of registered parishioners are used to send out parish information and also, in some parishes, to send out a few months' worth of collection envelopes, each marked with your membership number and the dates of all the Sundays and holy days. They also send out mass schedules for major holy days, the Easter triduum, etc.

If the parish has a school, registered parishioners are prioritised when it comes to enrolling your child in the school ( RC schools in the US are fee paying; they are private schools, not state schools, and they set their own criteria for admission).

And sermons are called homilies in the US region where I live.

Also, where I live, the priest always processes down the aisle and out the main door after Mass and greets the congregation as they exit.

I think the focus on homily/ service/ sermon, etc is being done in order to find out what precisely is going on here, iykwim.

This ^

Definitely meet and greet here in Canada at the parishes I attend. One has coffee plus meet up (yes priest is present) the other waits at the bottom of the steps as you exit.

Try once more. Then send the priest an email saying you need to baptise your child and due to his inactions you are going to contact the Archdiocese.
There will be a Vicar General there who is essentially the Bishop's right hand man.
Tell them you have asked to have your baby baptised and are being given the cold shoulder. There will also be a secretarial team.

Check the school's admission criteria, often RC schools ask for baptism before 1 year old.

My Dad attends mass every Sunday, the priest where he attends has a parish of three churches so has to get from one to another and then on tot he third.

I'm an atheist but attended RC schools and occasionally mass.

I would contact the priest, tell him you really want your child baptised and if you cannot get that done in an RC church then you will go to C of E.

You will continue to attend mass but your child will be baptised elsewhere.

Some priest do have power trips, one threatened to not baptise one of my cousins as his name is an Irish one but his parents chose the English spelling.

In the case of baptism, again, the priest has the responsibility to make sure the parents are practising Catholics who will in fact bring up their child to know and observe their faith, and not just having a baptism for the chance to have a party. one parent needs to be a practicing Catholic.

Check the school's admission criteria, often RC schools ask for baptism before 1 year old. really? This isn’t my experience at all.

Meet and greet at ours and coffee mornings after, it is a very welcoming and busy parish with lots going on, always full on Sundays and usually a good few at the weekday Masses. During lockdown they set up online links and when I've been ill they email me, I'm really grateful to them. So sorry to hear your experience has been so negative.

Being unmarried might be a big deal to this particular church- and the "delay" in you attending/baptising. My friend is an RC convert and she and her fiancé are both very devout. Their rental contracts were both up so they've rented a home together ahead of the marriage in readiness. He stayed very briefly at the beginning for a couple of days to help her set up and has subsequently started 2 months of sofa surfing and air bnb-ing so that they're not "living in sin" to upset the clergy & fellow parishioners- they've already had comments about them renting together.

Her experience is also that it's not as "social" as the Anglican services I am more used to; one of the clergy at her church is at the door saying hi and bye but they're very quick- trying to keep people moving. She got somewhere by keeping on attending and joining in /volunteering for things in the parish. My experience of her parish, having attended a couple of social functions she organised, is that they're very insular tbh.

If I were you I'd keep going, find something to raise your profile in the parish and keep asking about the baptism and ask honestly, away from Sunday mass, if there are any particular issues with you. Would you feel strongly enough that you'd get married?

Perhaps you should move to where I am as it's so much more relaxed seemingly?

Priest leaves once the mass is finished. Out the back.

We aren't married. I'm British. I'm not Catholic. Daughter baptised in a different city. Nobody bats an eyelid. Before her baptism (and communion, and confirmation) there was a half hour meeting for all the parents.

The church does organise social things for those who want to join in. No obligation to though.

Of course here, there's not the "going to church to get into schools" thing as all schools here are non-denominational.

I'm in Italy. Somewhat ironically.

@highlandcoos @ExtraOnions and others saying it's not normal to register, it is very normal to fill in a new parishioner form when you move to a new parish. The parish can then identify whether you might fit with any particular groups (eg toddler group), whether anyone in your household needs communion at home, send out Christmas cards, etc. At my church the forms are in a pile in the church porch. My parish has just computerised this process and has asked all existing parishioners to 're-register' using the new system. It doesn't mean you've "joined" a church, it's just a way of them keeping track of how many Catholics are living in their parish. Mass attendance numbers are counted every week, separate process.

Goodness that birth control parishioner must be kept busy….she doesn’t seem very Christian does she..🤣

It suddenly became 'Baptism before 1 year' when mass migration from Eastern Europe became a thing. Coincidentally that's where baptism at 1 year is common.

Even when it isn't common if you are taking a baby to be baptised in your home country, so family can attend, then it takes a while to get a passport.

but I've been told by a member of a parish that I'm going to hell over birth control. this is odd. The vast majority of Catholics practice birth control as can be seen by the very small number of large Catholic families in any church.

Do contact the bishop.
But a few things - the priest will often not greet parishioners, especially in larger parishes; by 'sermon' do you mean Mass?; some form of course is totally normal before baptism to ascertain you understand it as a sacrament. The priest is probably a bit tired of people showing up for baptism just to get their kids into the school - as are many genuine practising Catholics who are actual believers and fully engaged with the Church and often the local church including helping with flowers, choir etc.