Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

So dn lost her mum at 11. You said you would never have children. Usually I'd say fait split but in this case I cam see why your parents wanted to help dn out

@ducksandquackers you have a horrible attitude towards your niece (in fact towards your brother and dad too.) The poor girl presumably lost her mum when she was 11 and then her grandma aged 12. She's using the money she was bequeathed to fund her education and future not piss it up a wall!

Presumably you are regretting your statement about remaining childless. It would be shitty of you to pull your dad up on it now. It's also unfair to blame him for his age / level of involvement (when you had your son was none of his doing!) You also don't know what your Dad is thinking of for your son in the future but he sounds like a caring grandfather somay well try and make some provision for him.

Life isn't always 'fair' just as bereavement isn't.

@watermeloncougar I find MN weird about the inheritence thing, like it's the height of entitlement to expect anything. But in the real world of course people are going to feel like shit if they're not treated the same. You'd feel less loved. And if you're less well off to top it off you can't even comfort yourself with maybe the parent was just trying to be financially fair.

It’s a crappy outcome for your DS, but given your explanation, I can see how it happened. When he made the gift, your Dad assumed that he’d only have one GC and wanted to give her a substantial gift.

I wouldn’t rule out him leaving a gift to your son when the time comes though, your brother may think that he knows your Dad’s intentions re. his will but he may have added a codicil after your DS was born. Also, as your DS is still a baby, it’s possible that your Dad intends to give him a gift as well?

YANBU OP.
You'll get a lot of comments r.e entitlement but it's not the money, it's the attitude!
I don't think parents should treat their kids unequally, it's the keeping it a secret that makes it unfair. If they were so sure it's a great idea why not tell you?

Your niece losing her mother is irrelevant, yes it's terrible but didn't leave your niece in a bad financial position, quite the opposite actually.

Seems like Golden Child syndrome but nothing you can do about it...

This

What’s done is done. Might not feel fair but that’s life sometimes. Sort your own finances out and anything else on top of that is a bonus

But he didn’t treat his children differently?

People are talking about the granddaughter as though she is part of the brother and it’s HIS money. It’s ain’t. She is a separate human, a person in her own right. OPs brother didn’t get the money. The GF gave it to his GD. It’s between them, nothing to do with OP and her brother. If her dad decides to give her son some money later on for university then great, but he’s 8 months old!!!

sums it up for me.

I don't know anyone in real life who wouldn't feel less valued in this situation. And if it is so wonderfully fair, why is the OP just hearing it now - by accident from the niece.

And giving that amount of money that vests in an 18 year old. What a stupid decision the grandad made. Yeah she doesn't seem to be pissing it against the wall but she could. stupid.

Also if BIL had married again and had another child how we he have felt about one child getting 150k and the other nothing? Bet he wouldn't be so calm about it all.

@ducksandquackers Does your brother know secondary cardholders have no liability and does not show on their credit report?

That aside, I don't think you should speak to your dad, he gifted this to his granddaughter before his second grandchildren came along. Why make him feel guilty for something he did as a nice gesture at the time. He hasn't treat anyone unequally.

Also if BIL had married again and had another child how we he have felt about one child getting 150k and the other nothing? Bet he wouldn't be so calm about it all
What does this even mean?
Do you mean he would rightfully confront his Dad and demand that his other child not be left out? 😵‍💫
How, by stumping up another £150k to make things fair??
This is bizarre…

Whilst on the face of things I can see it feels a bit unfair, I'm unsure what sort of resolution you want. Your dad made decisions with the information he had at the time. There was no imaginary 2nd grandchild from you. Even you didn't know that might happen. He's spent it now. It's hardly fair to ask for it back.
In your father's situation I'd consider adjusting the will to include a sum for your child as well as you and your brother and I'd perhaps be making efforts to strengthen their relationship.
You've mentioned several times how much better off your brother and dad are and how your niece benefited from a better relationship.....yet you seem less focused on the fact that both your brother and your father are widowers and your niece is without a mother or a grandma. Maybe that's why the three of them are so tight.
Given the choice I'd rather be in your position, with a living spouse, a child and yes a mortgage. Count your blessings

@FrostyFifi but the OP and her DB have been treated exactly the same. 7 years ago the only GC was given a gift, yes it was huge but it was a gift. It was expected that would be the only GC. You do not give gifts retrospectively. The GD has had 18 years of gift giving from the GP nobody expects him to rush out and buy 18 years worth of birthday presents for the DGS to even it up. Then carry on giving them the same number of presents every time one has a birthday. Its the same principle just involves more money.

No you shouldn’t talk to your dad because ultimately you’re not entitled to the money he can do what he likes with it. You have no idea whether a similar amount will now be left to your son. Your mums part of the estate wasn’t split with your son because he didn’t exist.

That sounds rational but children's finances are linked very closely to their parents. Student maintenance loan amounts are linked to parental incomes. It's getting harder and harder to get on the housing ladder without a deposit.
In MN-land everyone is kicked out and left to fend for themselves the moment they turn 18 but in the real world parents help out significantly.
The fact that OP's brother doesn't need to do this means HE can have a cushy retirement on his own... so yes, it's a gift to him too.

Also, there's the niggly bit, of you know the OP being worth less because she didn't have children. Yes, it's his money and he can do what he likes - but why would you give your grandchildren a large sum to the detriment of your children?

It would have been fairer if he'd said it openly, maybe in his will left the DB less. But all this secrecy enforces the fact that they know it's wrong, that's why all the hush hush.

I agree.

But I don't see why they would need better jobs. I know nurses and police officers are underpaid but they've been together at least 10 years and they have as far as we know no children to support. Between those two salaries they should have been able to save a fair amount of money.

You sound nasty and jealous. Shame on you for talking about your niece this way.

Inheritance is never just about the money, it's a proxy for parental love. Some posters on here are being deliberately obtuse about this - probably so they have an excuse for making a bitchy comment (such sport!).

Your father has done you a disservice by keeping this all a secret. If I'd been in your brother's shoes, I would have insisted on full disclosure at the time and would now be encouraging some form of equalisation in your father's will. I was never put in that position as my parents were scrupulously fair and open.

It will feel raw at the moment. When you think you can speak about it calmly, it would be worth gently expressing how you feel to your father. You don't have the right to insist or even ask him to do anything - but you do have the right to be heard.

All the best.

I think your wrong yes it's a shame for your son but what do you want your dad to do ask her for some back? If you want to make it even the only fair way is gift him your inheritance you said you wouldn't have children

Sure, but that’s life. Some things, like other peoples money, are out of our control. Wanting it to be fair doesn’t mean it’s going to be, and all the complaining in the world about unfairness isn’t going to change that fact.

Also, there's the niggly bit, of you know the OP being worth less because she didn't have children
No, it was nothing to do with op.
She wasn’t getting a gift regardless, his grandchild was, and her child couldn’t have been included because it happened seven years before he was born (while she was still assuring everyone she never intended to have children).
Why are people still insisting it was unfair to op, not being treated the same as her niece?
She was treated exactly the same as her sibling.

It's the secrecy isn't it? That's most hurtful.
MN is always mean to people who post that they've been hard done by financially. But it's the hurt I think that she worst, caused by the secrecy.

I say that as someone who this happened to. Or similar at least. My parents gave my nephew a house and I only discovered it because my dear dad had dementia and along with it had a habit of blurting out the truth. The faces of my mum and sister when he did was an absolute picture! And honestly, it was the fact it had all happened behind my back that hurt the most.

Four grandchildren and one got a house!

Parents are dead now and me and sister have made up. But I'll never forget the dropping of that truth bomb!

YAB massively U!! Seven years ago your granddaughter lost two significant figures in her life - her mother(!) and her grandmother - and due to comments you had made at the time, combined with the fact you had stopped fertility treatments a couple years prior, your father (and presumably the rest of the family) reasonably thought she would be his only grandchild. He wanted to help her out financially and chose to give her a gift on her 18th birthday (since that it was she gained access to the money) to help set her up for the future.

Perhaps he thought that by doing this, it would mean your brother wouldn’t need to worry about saving up for his daughter’s university costs, and could instead use that money on childcare etc since he was a widower/single parent.

And tbh your niece sounds fairly sensible with the money - planning to use it for tuition and living expenses, and seeking advice for the rest. Yes she’s using it for a holiday for this summer, but it’s pretty common for those leaving high school to go on holiday with friends the summer they finish. And the fact that she’s paying rather than your brother makes the awful “bats her lashes” comment seem untrue. If it was wouldn’t he be paying? What a horrible bitchy remark to make about your teenage niece! She’s done nothing wrong here - all she’s done is accept a gift that was set in motion almost half her life ago.

Clearly your son was a surprise to everyone and it’s unfair to blame your father for not predicting he would be born. Maybe he’ll even if up in his will, maybe he won’t. You have no idea right now but I can understand why they didn’t want you to know about the gift if this is how you have reacted. It seems as if you actually asked your brother to split the money? That’s not up to him. This post just reeks of sour grapes and your entitlement

I do think it seems rather unfair, more so because you weren’t told so it was known to be unfair or the very least an uncomfortable conversation to have so it was kept a secret.

At the end of the day nobody is entitled to anything when their parent dies and I would rather have them than any money but in your situation I would definitely feel hard done by. It’s easy to say it’s not your money or it’s his decision etc when not in your shoes.

My GM has left me nothing in her will, this is because out of 4 grandchildren 2 are exceptionally well off. She refuses to leave them anything and feels leaving something to just 2 will cause a rift. I felt pretty pissed off when I found out but I do understand her logic. I don’t grudge money being left to anyone it’s her decision but to be left out due to someone having money when I don’t was hard to accept. I didn’t mention it as it’s not my business though did have a grumble to my mum about it and I’ve came to accept it now. My GM is dying and has days left, I love her and wouldn’t want her to leave this world feeling I was mad with her decision. Maybe like someone else said her mum and grandmother have died and maybe he feels she deserves some good fortune. Unless you ask you will never know but i’d tread very carefully.