Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

In his position I'd put the first £150k of his estate in a trust for your children, even if you have 2 or 3 I think half going to his son's kids and half to his daughters is fine. Then I'd split all that is left 50/50 but you have no entitlement and your brothers' income and life choices make no difference. I am by far the worst off of my siblings but don't think I should get more to compensate, I may think differently if I also say had a disabled child or was widowed, but not because he chose a path that earns more.

A couple of things going on here, she was his only Grandchild at the time and also she lost her mother at a very young age.

I'll have to say you don't talk very kindly of your DN though OP. :/ Your brother and neice have been through alot, they may be financially comfortable but I bet they'd swap that in a heartbeat to have their wife/mother back.

Perhaps talk to your Dad about it, if you feel comfortable. It might be like "the elephant in the room" otherwise.

That being said, I also think you should let go of your bitterness. These things happen: my grandfather left my aunt's (who hadn't been to uni yet) kids tens of thousands to pay for their university. Me and my uncle's children were all left a token amount: we're older, but some of us have young children ourselves, others could do with help getting on the property ladder in their late 30s.

As PP have pointed out be grateful for what you have now (a Dad who you can spend time with), be happy for your niece that she won't build up debt going to uni, and when you do inherent be grateful for that. It isn't really fair to ask your niece to share the money as she has likely made her own plans based on the inheritance.

People don't get the same lot in life. Your Dad made his decision, in hind sight it could have been done differently. Don't let the bitterness eat you. If your Dad spent the money elsewhere (like you initially thought) you would still be in the same position you're in now. Stop feeling so hard done by.

In sum, cognitive reframing might help if your Dad has no more money to give.

This post is both sad and appalling in equal measure.
Imagine living your life on such a transactional basis.

A lot of people don't think far ahead when they make wills and financial arrangements. It's all very complicated, though.
I'm planning to change my will to exclude one line of the extended family (we have no kids ourselves), as they have shown no interest in us for over a decade despite us trying to stay in touch. They may well feel aggrieved, but as far as I;m concerned that's hard cheese. It's always seemed odd to me that relatives who shun contact seem to think they have more rights to an estate than close friends do.

It sounds like she's been mature and sensible with the money and blaming her isn't fair or helpful. I understand why you're upset, but your dad did something kind in the situation at the time. It isn't your niece's responsibility. I'd find a way to talk about the situation with your dad in a kinder tone, not blaming or sounding resentful. Perhaps wait a while until the initial upset has passed.

Nope. There are no ‘shoulds’ here, only that the father was entitled to do whatever the hell he wanted to do with his money, which he did. The op and her brother had no automatic right or entitlement to that money, it was not and is not theirs.

It is weird, when we all have agency and the ability to make free choices 🤷🏻‍♀️

No offence OP, but you're 42 years old. You've had PLENTY of time to save up a nest egg for your child. If you've not bothered to get yourself into a decent financial position by the age of 42, no point whinging about your sensible brother having done what you should've done!!

Op, I felt for you for a bit there but your last post was very bitchy about your niece. I couldn't imagine being like this. I think in one swoop, you've portrayed yourself very nastily and perhaps this is why your brother isn't sharing.

Most people do not have £150 000 to go to uni . That’s what the garb dad gave to her niece . Sorry but there is no tule saying grandparents cannot favour a grandkid more than another . Above all , there is no obligation towards grandparents to pay anything like that . That’s the parents responsibility .

You actually asked your brother to claw back some of his daughter’s money and give it to you??
Have you no shame at all?!
I’ll bet everyone at that family meal was sorry they bothered!

not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts.

I’d be more upset by this than the money.

He might have made provision for your son in his will but even if he hasn’t your personal finances are irrelevant to your son or niece receiving any money.

Your niece had lost her mother maybe her grandfather feels that she’s been dealt a crappy hand and is overcompensating but regardless your son hasn’t missed out on any inheritance because your father is still alive and frankly your expectations of inheritance from your father and (despite it’s small size due to being split 6 ways) your in-laws is, for want of a better word, grabby.

I'd say the divide is between people who think they are entitled to decide what other people do with their own money and those who don't.

“He claims it’s not his money to split, and he won’t be asking my niece to”.

He’s right, it’s not his money, it belongs to his daughter. It sounds like they’re being sensible with it as well.

I don't see why it's a waste of money.

An 11 year old lost her DM and DGM within a very short space of time. Her DGF gifted her a sizeable amount of money. He wasn't unfair on OP. Unfair on OP would have been gifting her DB and not her. He did not need to make provision for any other GC because OP stated she wasn't having any DC.

And now she has a DC she is jealous and every single post makes her sound more and more unlikeable. The way she speaks about her neice is frankly disgusting.

Why did you go to a family meal with your niece and brother, given how much you dislike them?

Op.

Talk to your dad. Say you totally understand why he did it but now xx baby is here you feel he's lost out and say everything you said here.

Please talk to him and open a dialogue.

Your mum would have course wanted it shared between the gc.

I would be feeling the same as you. If I was you I would ask your dad how the inheritance will work out because really your brother should get £150k less than you so that you can give it to your child. Seems only fair and also sneaky that they never told you

This 😆

You sound horrible OP, I truly hope your DS doesn’t inherit those trait of yours (jealousy & bitterness). What’s the point of being disparaging of your niece on a public forum when she has done nothing apart from receiving a gift she didn’t ask for and comes from the death of her grandmother?

Your niece lost her mom and her grandma when quite young. Money isn’t going to make up for that but I am not surprised your dad made that decision when he did.

Your dad’s money is HIS money to spend and gift as he pleases. It’s NOT your son’s inheritance. I personally don’t feel entitled at all to any money from grandparents and I also wouldn’t be offended if we (grandkids) didn’t get anything (likely) or got different amounts. We have completely different relationships with our grandparents amongst my siblings and my cousins. I am extremely close to my grandma and have therefore received help my siblings or cousin haven’t necessarily received from her, I have also provided help & support to her, she didn’t necessarily receive from my siblings or cousins. So if she died tomorrow things could look unfair to the person who only look at what they could have received and not at what was invested.

Your niece and dad have a long-standing relationship, who knows what your niece might have done for your grandpa (potentially even just helping him through your mother’s death), your son is 8 months old. It simply doesn’t compare.

My will includes 2 of my siblings out of the 4. Ironically only one is my full sibling (not on my will) and the last is too young and from a third father. I like my youngest sibling but there is over two decades of age gap and so while I like to hang out with her on the odd visit, I actually grew up with my two step siblings and am close to them. As it stands my will might seem unfair to the 2 siblings not on the will but it’s simple (1- I have zero relationship with DB 1 so why should he inherit anything? 2- my youngest sister will likely outlive all of us by a lot and she is young enough that she gets a lot more financial opportunities already as we had scarce resources growing up but the rest of my siblings are adults or almost and so she will have the benefit of growing up as an almost only child which financially means she will have a lot more opportunity than we did).

inheritances don’t have to be fair. It would be different if your son was a similar age and they had a similar relationship but there is such a big gap between the two and even between now and when the choice was made to
donate your niece the money that I can’t imagine thinking your ds would be entitled to any of that money.

Is there a reason, other than this bitterness, why you’re so horrible to your niece? She’s just turned 18 and you’ve said she’s essentially going to be as stupid as the politicians who run the country (all because she doesn’t yet have a grasp of decisions in debt) and that she flutters her eyelashes and gets whatever she wants (how derogatory). She’s your niece and she’s grown up without her mother. It was your father’s decision based on the information he had at the home - information that you gave him. Move on.

You would, would you?!
😂. Unbelievable.

@ducksandquackers

Re putting away thousands, don't let his amounts put you off saving for baby.

I can't link but if you for instance put by rhe time he's 10...5 grand into a stocks and shares sipp... Without touching it again in several index funds he could be nealry a millionaire by 55.

That's an example. Time I is on your side.
Don't be passive.
Open up a junior isa ASAP and just start very small but add any bday money too it.. Also open up cash savings there are some of decently rates out there now and premium bonds..