Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

I think you've missed my point entirely, which is that it's very unwise and potentially very inequitable for a person to give huge gifts/ make a will based on a snapshot in time. Because that's literally one point in time, and doesn't take into account any future possibilities.

I do actually understand that at one point, the first grandchild to be born was the only grandchild....

My reply was to @Lefteyetwitch

In response to your point @Quveas, once again, I don't think this is about entitlement. It's about not treating one child or grandchild favourably against others.

If I decide to leave everything to the dog's home, that's my business. My dc's have no right to expect anything from me. However, if I decide to leave everything, or substantially more, to one ds rather than the other,

Posted too soon.

If I left everything to one ds over the other, I would totally expect the ds I didn't favour to feel extremely hurt by my actions. And as a parent, I could not behave like that to my kids

@watermeloncougar I think that's a lovely sentiment that entirely ignores real life. If one of the children is a total waster who has done nothing for anyone, and the other has supported their elderly parents for a decade, and they get it all, then I wouldn't care how hurt the other one felt. It would be "fair" in whatever world the parents are in.

I still maintain that it is unsavoury, the degree of entitlement that exists that parents are supposed to leave you anything and picking over what they should leave you. But each to their own.

For all your talk of 'no one should expect anything', your response implies that a child who looks after their parents is entitled to everything!!

But that would be a reason. It can be hurtful when there is no reason.

Sorry OP, I would feel upset to but I agree with this. It was done before you had your child. If your brother is a high earner and also has money for his daughter that is irrelevant (I get it,but it's still irrelevant)

But that’s the thing, you don’t need to comprehend it. No one except for the man whose money it is needs to.

That said, I don’t think he has been unfair to his children. He didn’t give his son inheritance money, he gave a financial gift to his granddaughter who is an entirely separate individual. He gave it according to his circumstances at the time, when OPs son didn’t exist. His circumstances have since changed which means the grandson likely won’t get the same gift, but that’s life sometimes. It’s no one’s obligation to make it up to OPs son, but if OP does eventually receive an inheritance perhaps she can ‘put it right’.

Say there’s a family that chooses to privately educate their child, and years later they have another child but find themselves in a worse financial position so cannot privately educate their second born. Is that ‘fair’? Depends on your perspective. It’s unfair that both children did not get the same in the way of opportunity, but it’s fair that the parents made the decisions they did when considering their ability to do so at both times. It’s the same principle.

Hmm, honestly I would expect a grandparent not to dish out all of the cash until they were sure that was definitely the only grandchild they were getting. Apart from a possible grandchild from OP, the brother could have had another kid. Whether OP said she wasn’t having any babies was irrelevant - young people say a lot of things and change their mind later on when they meet someone. The grandparent needs to make it fair imo, if this wasn’t evened up I wouldn’t be speaking to any of them any more.

I imagine OP is in a quandary. She can’t demand he equalise it, and while she can decide to cut off contact with her father, brother and niece, that could mean she gets disinherited entirely. I don’t particularly get the impression she’s inclined to risk that one.

YANBU.

It is grossly unfair - and actually hurtful to treat grandchildren differently. Even if you hadn’t had a child yourself, your father should have made equal provision for you.

It’s probably best to divide an inheritance equally between siblings - in this case you and your brother. Speak to your father and be open about how you feel. No sibling would be happy about this.

Good post.

FFS both of you. Take it to private messages. You're taking over this thread with your spat.

FFS both of you. Take it to private messages. You're taking over this thread with your spat.

Well tbf, my apparent crime was saying I thought the back and forth was pointless. I repeatedly said that.

You have a right to your opinion.

He claims it’s not his money to split, and he won’t be asking my niece to. Our dad gave it to her (she got access to it when she turned 18 a few months ago) as a gift

Hes right its not his. He's no say in how it's spent

So far she’s paid for a trip this summer, plans to pay uni and accommodation with it but hasn’t spend much else of it and has asked her dad to help her with make good use of it

So she's being sensible with it. Sounds like she appreciates what her Grandpa has done for her

Ofcourse she hasn’t spent it though as between my brother and dad, one flutter of the eye lashes and she has whatever she wants

Wow you really don't like her do you. Sad to be so bitter about a family member who's done nothing wrong

Now you've got a child what's to say they won't be looked after in your Dads will when the time comes

I understand that you're disappointed but your father has a bit of a windfall earlier in his life and looked after his at the time older grandchild. On here again and again we hear about the futility of people inheriting too late and parents should hand over any wealth they can afford when the beneficiaries need it most .
You appear to be suggesting that your niece give some of the money over to your son now. If that's what you're thinking then that's bonkers . What's done is done.
You wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that your father try and balance things best he can in his will .

"Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts."

Tbf, you did that by starting late. Not having a go, but you did. He didn't do it.

Anyway, by the time your son is uni age, grandad will likely have passed on, so your son will get his share then. Sorted.

You sound very hurt. I tend to think that your father's grief led to his gift, when he also saw his grand-daughter's grief. Her mother dying would have compounded his own grief. They say that love is a form of madness, grief can also take that form.
If you decide to speak to your Dad, please don't go about it in an accuisitory way, rather approach it with sympathy. This really isn't about the money, it is about the hurt, and what you see as favouritism. You never know he may be thinking that he was too quick in making is decision. Please don't make him feel guilty, if you love him. And, thank you and your husband for your service to our country, which is very underpaid and under-acknowledged.

Perhaps they kept it secret because they knew OP would react as she has done. They've probably kept it secret because they knew, even without children of her own, OP would blow a fuse and feel entitled to that money herself because apparently-her brother, niece and father are all responsible for her decisions in her life and her financial security.

She doesn't have the right to know about this. It wasn't her money. It was never her money. It was her father's money and it's his right to do with it as he wishes.

OP has shown herself on this thread alone to be quite a nasty, spiteful and entitled person who will happily disparage her 18-year-old niece because she dared to be given a gift (albeit substantial) that her son (who didn't exist and her DF had no reason to think would ever exist) wasn't.

If I were her parent, and saw this thread, I'd disinherit her immediately for being grabby alone.

Agree @CleverLilViper I found this Ofcourse she hasn’t spent it though as between my brother and dad, one flutter of the eye lashes and she has whatever she wants a bit flirty and therefore grim, her dad and grandfather, whatever is being suggested?!

You could say to your father how lovely it is that he’s supporting his grand daughter through university and that you’re relieved to see from that that your own son won’t have to take loans etc when he goes to university.

Put him on the spot. Men (in particular patriarchs) can be quite thoughtless about this sort of thing.

That’s grabby, rude and entitled.

Why not speaking with your dad? Who is to say your dad won’t leave provision to your child in his will ?
Im from the view not everything must be equal , your niece obviously had a massive loss as a child so that must have been a huge disadvantage on her life .
Not the same but it’s a example , I have 3 kids 2 of my children have no dad and on my will they get a much bigger share than my youngest if something was to happen to me. My oldest gets 70% of any moneys and life insurances I have left in a trust for him as he is autistic and will need much more help than my girls too .

You could say to your father how lovely it is that he’s supporting his grand daughter through university and that you’re relieved to see from that that your own son won’t have to take loans etc when he goes to university.

Well she could but it isn't true really is it.
He gave his GD a gift when she was 11 and there was no other grandchildren likely. OP had said she wasn't having any, and her DB had just lost his wife so wouldn't be that likely to have anymore.

The choice to spend it on uni was entirely DN choice. He may very well not have another amount of money laying around to give away now.