Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

It’s not nepotism.

For it to be nepotism, op had her child would have be not related to the Grandfather. Nepotism isn’t one relative getting something another isn’t getting.

and if op wasn’t related, why would they be involved at all?

it’s called nepotism

Oh ffs. It’s not nepotism.

It's neither nepotism or a father secretly giving to one child and not the other. It is a grandfather giving his granddaughter a gift.

I struggled with fertility so it could have been assumed I would never have children. If one of my parents chose to gift money to one of my nieces and nephews before mine were born or in utero then there is no unfairness at all.

You need to look past it as inheritance but as a gift before your child came along. It's not inheritance at all, what if your dad, spent all that money on a holiday or doing things for himself, would you still be aggrieved that he spent it. He gifted the money to his grandchild, not his son, his only grandchild at the time. If that made him happy then that should be all that matters.

Any grandchildren entering the world after the event have not been treated unfairly and in this instance he has not treated you or your brother unfairly as it was gifted to his granddaughter not his son. He can't exactly ask for a gift back because another grandchild came along many years after.

£150 k to go to university (especially since her own father can afford it) is quite a lot of money. I know what my kids university debts are and they're not close to that. But there again they worked in vacations (and during A levels).

That's not passing judgement. That's just commenting based on what I know personally about university finance.

So either the niece can blow the extra at uni (and not have to work in vacations), or she has a nest egg afterwards to cushion her move into work. Of course grandfather can give the money but I don't think he's done the sums, unless he's basing it on granddaughter not working at all between the ages of 18 and 21 or 22.

I actually agree the grandfather can give his money to whoever he wants. But the OP said it was clear the brother didn't want her to know. That's the issue for me. We wouldn't have that secret in our family.

The father didn't give anything to OP's sibling. He gave it directly to his granddaughter.

I also don't know why people have it in their heads that she was given it for uni. It was given to her when she was 11 and her mother had just died. But she had to wait until she was 18 to access it. She's choosing to use some of it for uni, which is her choice.

Why does anyone else need to know and in any case how can we be sure they didn't want the OP to know. This is the same OP that says her DN flutters her eyelashes and gets exactly what she wants. I would imagine she is either prone to exaggeration and/or so eaten with bitterness that is her interpretation of it. A gift doesn't need a family discussion, a gift is from one person to another.

But you’re contradicting yourself - this ISNT an inheritance! OPs dad is still alive. So all he’s done is gifted to his GD. His inheritance will be split 50/50 between his two kids.

So you’ve just said that’s grand by you, so what has he done wrong?

I am not missing the point. I am disagreeing with you. The OP has no right whatsoever to know what her father does with his money. It is not secrecy. It is none of her business. If I choose to give money to a member of my family and not to others that is my business.

*But you’re contradicting yourself - this ISNT an inheritance! OPs dad is still alive. So all he’s done is gifted to his GD. His inheritance will be split 50/50 between his two kids.

So you’ve just said that’s grand by you, so what has he done wrong?*

Look I've just explained my thoughts. Your like a dog with a bone with this. In my opinion, this is clearly early inheritance given the nature of where the money came from, and it's obtuse to pretend otherwise.

*It’s not inheritance. It doesn’t matter if the money came from the home ‘that was his life’s work’. It’s his money.

He isn’t dead. It’s not inheritance the home he is now spending his life in is the flat. Which he chose to do.

Jesus, if I sold my home and down sized and the kids called any cash I had ‘our inheritance’ I would hit the roof. Inheritance is what you leave when you die.*

I wouldn't describe it to them like that. I wouldn't say anything because of course you can't complain, it's their money. But I disagree that it isn't early inheritance. It is a common concept these days, giving the money that would traditionally be inheritance early because life is tough now and people think young people could do with it earlier. But that is invariably how it is viewed - as early inheritance. It's not like he's keeping this money to use himself, he's clearly thinking about legacy and giving it away to loved one's. You know, like inheritance. He's done this instead.

People are very intolerant of people having different viewpoints on this thread. It isn't your way or the highway.

Maybe they didn’t op to know because they knew she’d react. Ie. Niece getting ‘her’ (ie op’s) inheritance, when it was nothing of the sort. By not telling her, they’ve prevented this situation from happening.

Why do people always do this on this forum? Start up with the rhetoric that they’re being attacked, that they’re entitled to their own opinion and call others ‘obtuse’ and ‘intolerant’ because their views aren’t being adhered to whilst they argue with everyone else and tell them they’re wrong.

You’ve told me I’m wrong, I think you’re wrong. Everything you’re going on about calling us intolerant is exactly the same for you. You’re being obtuse, intolerant and like a dog with a bone with your own opinion, so rather than trying to put everyone else down, have a word with yourself instead. If you can’t have an adult debate then don’t engage, but don’t start throwing your toys out of the pram and getting defensive because people call you out on your publicly posted opinions.

You can argue it’s inheritance all you want and say the OP has a right to it, but it was a gift. OPs dad isn’t dead. That money was never in his will. It’s grabby to demand that someone saves money for you when they die and call it ‘fairness’.

She could buy property elsewhere and rent it out for £800 - £1500 a month depending on where it is and this would cover her accomodation costs.

The current route is nonsensical and a waste of money. This is going to be frittered.

@FirstDogOnTheMoon I'm not doing that. I didn't actually enter a debate I just left a comment for OP and others replied. I don't think I'm being attacked, but I do think going back and forth when we clearly disagree is a bit fruitless. You ask me my opinion, I explain it and you just say "no it isn't". I know you think it isn't. I think it is, and I've explained why. So why not just let it go now? I'm not going to change my mind and more than you are.

Ah so you can disagree.

anyone disagreeing with you is intolerant? And saying it’s our way or the high way? No one has told you to leave the thread. People have disagreed and you have disagreed with them.

I, simply, disagree that it’s inheritance, early or otherwise. It’s not it’s a gift. Because the man is still alive. If he used it on financing a world cruise for himself, it also wouldn’t be him spending his kid’s inheritance. Any early inheritance is simply a gift.

At this point there is no inheritance. As he is still alive.

It’s not it’s a gift.

Ok. It's not, it's early inheritance dressed up as a gift 🤷‍♀️

You have called me things, obtuse and like a dog with a bone, and called
people on this thread intolerant.

And yes you can disagree with me. I haven’t resorted to calling you names because I can discuss things with maturity, I have debated with you. It’s you who is taking this to another level.

You are contradicting yourself repeatedly. And I’m not engaging with someone who can’t have a debate without getting horrible to anyone who disagrees. Stop insulting others just because you can’t hold your own argument. Grow up.

Your father made a choice based on what he knew to be reality several years ago that his niece was going to be the only grandchild he would have. He had no need to tell you at the time about his gift as it was none of your business.

Unfortunately for all concerned things have changed and you now have a child. I can understand how awkward this situation now is and why it might have been thought easier not to raise it with you as your response is what could have been predicted here.

The problem is there is nothing that can be done here as the gift has been made. That money is now your niece's money. One can only hope that your father will consider this in his will but, again, that is his choice and demanding money from him for your child is not appropriate.

I do find your comments about how your child has "missed out" on younger grandparents troubling. That is not anyone's fault and trying to blame others for that is both pointless and likely to cause disagreements where there don't need to be any. Being jealous of your niece for being born earlier is deeply unfair.

However, as the cat is out of the bag I would suggest speaking to your father about it just to acknowledge that it has happened, but only when you are in a position not to be angry and demanding over it.

Then the money given to your sister was given early inheritance dresses up as a gift by your reckoning.

@FirstDogOnTheMoon I think it's pretty strong to call either of those things "insults" or "horrible" I said I think it's obtuse to say a huge gift given in later life to set up a family member is just a gift and in no way in lieu of inheritance. The viewpoint is obtuse, not you.

And "dog with a bone" is hardly horrible, is it. "Grow up" is much ruder. I was simply saying I think it's a bit pointless repeatedly saying "no you're wrong" to someone who clearly disagrees with you on something that is subjective.

OP, your niece had lost her mother and clearly, this was something your DF wanted to do for his only grandchild at that time. Just leave it and move on. Your child may not have this £150k, but he/she has two parents.

Then the money given to your sister was given early inheritance dresses up as a gift by your reckoning.

Kind of? It won't have been anywhere near as significant a portion of their accumulated wealth as this was, but if they wanted to give either of us less because of how much they'd gifted whilst alive then I would understand that reason and it wouldn't come across like favouritism.

You don’t get to tell me what’s offensive and what isn’t. Calling me any name at all is offensive. And at no point did I sink to the level of personally insulting you, you did that. So yes, you’re being immature. If you can’t hold a debate with someone without calling them names then you do need to grow up.