Parent gifts/Inheritance- unfair?

[ducksandquackers]

I’ll start with a little background, my parents were both from low income families, my dad went on to be a lawyer and my mum a teacher. My dad is now 77 my mum passed away 6 years ago.
I have one brother, he’s 50, I’m 42. He has one daughter who is 18, I have one son who is 8 months.
When my mum passed away my dad sold their home, bought a small one bedroom flat. Never really thought twice about what happened with the money. I guess I assumed it was out away in savings or something similar.
My brother is an accountant, makes £150,000+ a year, his wife passed away 7 years ago, he used her life insurance to pay off their mortgage and has been financially comfortable since. I’m a nurse, my husband a police officer. We aren’t struggling per se but in my family we are the worst off.

We met for a family meal last night, my brother, niece, husband, dad and son. I asked my niece if the new student loan changes would impact her as she’s due to go to uni after summer. She said no, she wouldn’t be getting a student loan. My husband joked asking how she would afford everything then and she said “Grandad gave me money for course fees and Accomodation”. I could tell my dad and brother didn’t want that to be something I knew.
I questioned my brother today. He told me when my dad sold the house, he gave a chunk of the money (£150,000) to my niece. At the time I’d said I’d never have children, so he wanted to give it to his granddaughter now rather than once he’s gone and can’t see her make use of it. My brother and I would get the split of the flat he’s currently in, anything left in pensions and some moneys he’s saved after he passes.
Now when I didn’t have kids this would be fair I think. I get that. But I do have a son now, not only has he missed out on a grandma on my side, and a grandad young enough to be able to play and look after him, he’s missed out on holidays with grandparents and all sorts. But also, he’s missed out on inheritance.
For years my brother has been putting £500-£1000 a month in savings for my niece, so she has a good amount in savings anyway. My husband and I have a mortgage and don’t make enough to save that sort of money for my son. My husbands parents won’t leave much in the way of inheritance and what they do is split between 6 grandkids.

So AIBU to think it’s not fair my niece gets all the money from my parents house? Even if she was the only grandchild at the point of the deal? She isn’t now and surely my son is just as entitled to that as she is? Should I talk to my dad?

I can't understand the MN mentality of wills and entitlement. Seems obvious to me we should treat our children equally. I do understand that if one child is vastly wealthy and the other on the breadline, a good argument can be had for making life easier for the poorer one. Especially when there's a large age gap and the elder has already benefited from various aspects of being able to get on the property ladder earlier or not having to pay uni fees.

I really hope your father leaves £150k to your child/ren, and any left over split between you and your brother. Good luck.

Op is pissed of that her ds got nothing.
Even though her father isn’t actually dead yet.

It matters not what sums are involved and cat home donations
it is unfairness in life that gets people and hurts them. There are 2 siblings and their 2 children . The grandfather is favouring one descendant. Yep,it’s his right, but it sure will drive a wedge between his less favoured child and grandchild and the favoured few, even if it was a few hundred quid.
are you really that emotionally unintelligent to not know this? It’s not the money purdah, it is a father favouring a child over another.

If you bought a new car for example would it be OK for your brother or your niece to ask you how you were paying for it? Or would that be none of their business? It is none of your business how she is funding uni.

@Appleofmyeye2023 Hes not favouring one child. He made the gift several years ago, and was led to believe op wasn’t planning any children.

Maybe he will do that. We have no idea what he will do and nor does OP in reality. As I have said, her son is 8 months old, we don’t know what potential provisions her dad will have for her. And if the money was given to his GD when she was 11, that’s 7 years before Ops child came along.

Well I'm basing it on the explanation OP has been provided for - which is that anything left will be left to her and her brother equally. There isn't going to be a £150000 for her son, is there, because she'd have mentioned if he had that much stashed away unaccounted for. He's sold that property, all he has left is his flat that OP has been told will be split between her and her brother.

But the point remains that this isn’t about OP and her brother. The grandchildren are separate people, they aren’t extensions of their parents. GF gave GD money to support her own life. Will her dad benefit from it? Yes probably, which sucks a bit for OP, but her dad may not have even considered that. He wanted to give his only grandchild, at the time, a good start in life. It would be very nice if he made provisions now for his second grandchild, but that grandchild is only 8 months old so who knows what OPs dad has done/is doing.

I just don't agree that skipping a generation is a good idea and that it isn't reasonable to feel hurt about that. Especially given the GD faces no specific set backs that will make her need extra support. Yes he can do what he wants, but I think the right thing to do is split it between your own children and let them pass it on to their kids. Or split it equally between any GC you have when you die, if you're really intent on it going to the younger generation and never affording your own kids that leg up.

No, she's pissed off that her niece got a substantial amount, and her DS (her by extension) didn't.
If it all went to care homes there'd be no issue.
In fact, maybe this whole thing was actually a tax dodge... to prevent it all potentially going to care homes?

No, she's pissed off that her niece got a substantial amount, and her DS (her by extension) didn't
Because at the time he didn’t exist.
Tough.

He had one GC he couldn't have had a favourite. Now he has 2 but he may not have a spare 150k laying around.

£150,000 to go to uni with 😳😳 imagine that! Fingers crossed she's sensible and doesn't blow it

Most posters are spectacularly missing the point here. Forget the money and forget that the OP originally said she wasn't having children. The dad and the brother intentionally kept it secret. If they thought what they were doing was fair then why the secrecy? Because the brother has probably manipulated the father. No-one should be entitled to anything but the brother sounds like the grabby one and has played a blinder of a game in this family.

it's none of the OP business. Do you discuss all your financial decisions with you wider family?

Do you discuss who you give your money to?

@PoseyFlump the secrecy is probably because they know what OP is like!

She still has no actual idea whether the score will be evened up in the sad event of her dad's passing. Maybe he's keeping it a secret to see whether she goes whinging about "it's not fair", or maybe her brother will even up the score out of his share if her dad doesn't with a deed of variation.

She's complaining now, but has absolutely no right to.

Your son is missing out on his grandma unlike your niece who missed out on her MOTHER!

Well you will get people saying it's the dad's business etc etc but I agree.,
The dad has also apparently discussed the siblings' inheritance with the brother, but not bothered to tell the OP.

@aSofaNearYou @Appleofmyeye2023 I think there are two distinct sets of people here.
The ones who believe that EVERYONE is an individual. The OP, her brother, her niece. A gift given to 'the niece', in their view, has nothing to do with the OP and brother.

And the ones like us, who see it as the OP and her brother's 'side'. I also don't think inheritance should skip a generation due to the huge potential for unfairness, as is happening here.

The girl's mother's death clouds things, ultimately it's very sad but again, didn't leave them in financial difficulty.

It's not about the money, it's about the hurt. I get that the OP has started the whole thread about her son, but thinking beyond that why should one 'potential heir' (out of the 3) receive a large sum when they don't have any particular need for it?

Given the way the OP talks about her DN I rather suspect there may be another reason other than the DB playing a blinder manipulating his DF

Quite frankly it’s his money to do with as he sees fit. He made a decision in good faith, based on the information you gave him. I don’t know what you expect him to do now- magic up another 150k for you child and any others that should come along?

quite frankly it is grabby in the extreme to be dividing up his assets before his died. You might have had my sympathy, if not agreement if you had not made comments like “dare I say she’s about as logical as the politicians who have been running the country lately, the future for politics is looking bright 👀” and “Frankly she has my dad wrapped around her little finger, gets whatever she asks for.” Which make you sound extremely spiteful towards a young family member who has done nothing except benefit from your father’s generosity.

He didn’t want to give the money to his children and rely on them to dole it out, he wanted to give it to his GD for her use whilst he was alive to watch her enjoy it - so why should he go through his children? In his head, he gifted her with something and then his kids will get their bit when he dies. This was years before OP had a baby.

And actually, I didnt care when my parents gifted money to one of my siblings (it has happened). They clearly needed it for whatever reason, so they got it. I didn’t feel jealous or outdone or anything. I didn’t tantrum about my inheritance. I love my sibling and if they needed financial support for whatever they needed it for, then okay. Even if it was to buy fancy handbags I wouldn’t have cared. Am I rich? No. I’m not struggling but we’re just getting by. But am I jealous, bitter and think I deserve whatever they got? Nope, it’s not my business! And if my parents decided not to leave me anything in their will fine (in fact I regularly encourage them to enjoy their money and retirement) and if they decided to skip me out and leave money directly to my DC - also fine by me!!!

So no, not everyone thinks like you that everyone has to have the same amount down the the last penny - my family couldn’t care less.

So either people are getting jealous about money or the OP has other issues, which have started to seep pout with her unpleasant comments about her niece.

The money isn’t for the OP and her brother. It was for the GD. You can think it’s not fair, but OPs dad gets to choose what he does with his cash and he wanted to give it to his GD. Not his kids (yet), just her. I don’t see why it’s such a struggle to get that.

OP will get what she gets when her dad dies or her child will.

But it’s NOT inheritance!!!!! It was his money he had, he isn’t dead!!!

The inheritance isn’t skipping a generation, that’s being divided up between the kids. This was £150k that the OPs dad decided he wanted to give to his GD. It’s not the inheritance at all.

And the money was gifted years ago, long before OP had a child. What’s her dad meant to do about it now?

My youngest child missed out on an inheritance from DH's mum because she hadn't been conceived yet. It never entered our mind to question it, compare our financial position to other siblings or disparage our nieces and nephews who did get the money. Our daughter didn't exist at the time the money was disbursed, and that's the end of it.

The money the OP is talking about wasn't even an inheritance--it was a monetary gift. Not only does she not know what her father plans to do with the rest of his estate (and for all we know he may be planning to give it all to her or her son) but if one of my adult children ever acted as entitled to my money as the OP is, that child wouldn't get a penny.

The money you are upset about belongs to your Dad, to do with what he wants. He wanted to help your niece - his choice. You, your husband, your son are not entitled to anything. Your inheritance is what's left after he is gone that he chooses to leave it to you.

I don’t know why you had to mention to your dad that you were having kids or not and then he’d leave money to your brother or you and maybe to his granddaughter too (at the time he made his will).

It is a bit petty now to complain that your niece won’t have any debts when she’s at uni, berate her choice of study and then complain that your brother has a good, high school earning job. You and your DH have fairly good jobs and have either saved or not. Your dad had no idea you were having children and from you told him he presumed not. Therefore that’s why his will and gift was made that way. Are there no liabilities on his niece though, capital gains tax or something though I expect her father has sorted that out.

I can't understand parents who treat their children differently, I think it's awful to punish/reward them if they have more or less children, have a better job.

Circumstance changes, no one knows who will need what in the future.
Your brother circumstances are irrelevant, he was being rewarded to have a child. It's not right.

The only thing you can do is ask your dad to help your child and your child's future. Your brother financial situation is irrelevant, being a widower is not a positive.

It’s none of her business but it’s not necessarily fair to do it this way. And please note, I’m not saying OP is right to complain at all, just trying to see it from both sides.

My nana (DM’s mum) had two daughters, my DM and her half sister from her first marriage. For various reasons including growing up away from her DM my aunt felt bitter and jealous towards my DM for most of her life. My nana was wealthy with her own business but in terms of monetary gifts and her will was scrupulously fair and divided everything equally between her daughters and grandchildren (3 of latter).