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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH dumped kittens on me

177 replies

Kitcatkins · 11/06/2023 08:17

Long story short, DH took in some stray kittens that would otherwise have died. I agreed on the basis that he was the sole caregiver - I don't like cats and don't have time for them.

Of course, increasingly, they are becoming my responsibility as DH asks me/leaves me to do stuff for them. I'm particularly pissed off this morning as I got up early to work and he heard them smashing some glass so texted me to clean up as he is still in bed.

If I had the choice I'd take them to the animal shelter for rehoming, but we have young children and their dad has promised we can keep them.

What should I do? Either I'm stuck with the burden of animals I don't want, or I break my kids' hearts.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 11/06/2023 09:39

Don't feel guilry re: your lazy DP and his manipulative behaviour OP. Think of the kittens who will be easily rehomed into happy homes this age where they can be looked after by a family who both want them and want to look after them (which your DP does not). This is a crucial time for those kittens, they need to be rehomed.

Equally as importantly think of yourself. I would not cave on this when it means an acceptance that DP's little whims about wanting a load of cats are met but your life becomes exponentially harder and he imagines you exist to support what he wants at your cost. Nobody needs that many cats, and your DC will move on from this quite easily. Frankly if I had a DP strong arming me into this by suggesting I was causing distress to my DC - he'd be gone. Horribly manipulative and reflects very poorly on him, particularly when it's his lack of responsibility that has ultimately caused their 'disappointment' when they go.

None of this is your fault OP, but please call a charity and hand them over.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 11/06/2023 09:40

Are you always such a mug?
You drew a line. He ignored it.
What was his excuse for texting you from his bed?
Please rehome at least 3 of these kittens asap

Parisj · 11/06/2023 09:40

Just notice that you are also doing all the mental load of thinking about what needs to happen. He took them in, you set a boundary, his shitshow. Have a simple grey rock response 'I'm too busy to take any kitten stuff on, but I am happy for you to care for them'. You are going to have to resolutely step back from it. If neglect is happening say 'you're neglecting the kittens' don't find the solution.

MagicSpring · 11/06/2023 09:41

He’s taken them in to look after. But he’s neglecting them. How on earth does he think that’s kinder?

How old are they? Are they wormed and de-flead and booked for vaccinations?

Don't wait and take on the expenses and responsibility of neutering FOUR cats. Definitely don't keep them on a vague promise of neutering ‘oops, too late’ when he gets round to it. And don’t give in to his childish pleas that he WILL look after them, honest, when he’s not feeling more like lying in bed (he sounds more childish than his own 7-year-old).

Get (most of) them to a rescue that will do actual responsible cat care.

elastamum · 11/06/2023 09:45

Work out the cost of keeping four cats, including food, vaccination and vet insurance and present that to your DP. Insist he pays and looks after them That should help him decide to re-home them.

viques · 11/06/2023 09:49

Greenfinch7 · 11/06/2023 09:06

Please please please give at least two to the shelter while they are still little and they will easily find a loving home. Cats are expensive and a lot of work when they are old. If you don't even want 2 lovely kittens Sad, you don't want four 16 year old cats on a renal diet, needing thyroid meds twice a day.

Not giving two of the kittens to a reputable shelter is unkind to the kittens.

Not to mention four spaying fees, four lots of flea treatment regularly, four lots of annual injections, four lots of insurance…… Oh and food!

Why not get some figures from a local vet and insurance company OP and add them up. Then ask DP to set up a specified cat expenses bank account with regular payments from him to cover their costs.

Bluebells1970 · 11/06/2023 09:51

Why on earth are you being dictated to like this? He sounds a pompous twat making decisions on behalf of your family then leaving the grunt work to you.

Phone a shelter this morning and do the right thing for the kittens, not him.

DoubleTime · 11/06/2023 09:52

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/06/2023 08:29

Keep the cats, ditch the lazy arsed bloke.

Loved this !

ButterflyOil · 11/06/2023 09:53

Does he often rely on your softer heart to ignore things that he should be taking responsibility for? He cba to get out of bed and knew you would do it - this can’t be the only time he has behaved like this, surely? What else do you end up doing or else it won’t get done and you feel guilt or obligation to do it?

Basilsage · 11/06/2023 09:53

Agree with him he arrange for them to be rehomed

MarvelMrs · 11/06/2023 09:55

Can you compromise and keep two kittens? Four is a lot and will be expensive.

However in terms of your post, you do need to suck it up. That is family life. Your partner and, more importantly, children love these kittens and therefore you need to get on board with it. My DH likes gardening but I don’t. However I have to embrace it. Help sometimes. Put up with gardening equipment in my way. That is what shared lifestyles are all about.
On the specific point about your DH this morning…..no, he was rude to text you and not get up himself and clear it up. I would be speaking to him about this later.

CalistoNoSolo · 11/06/2023 09:55

Rehome them. Cats are vile.

Robinni · 11/06/2023 09:56

Kitcatkins · 11/06/2023 09:18

Thanks for this message - it's what I needed to hear! I'm waiting on DH to organise neutering but obvs I might end up doing it. My hope is that we will neuter and vaccinate all four of them and then pass at least two to the shelter for rehoming

Show quote history

Reiterating @HappyCatty’s advice. Please get them insured and appropriate vet treatment for their health/your family’s health/to prevent them inbreeding.

I would decide which 1 or 2 you would like to keep and give the others to a shelter. The longer you keep them the more your children will become attached.

Agree with whoever said your husband needs to get out of bed and deal with his animals. Overall when you get down to 1 or 2 cats rather than 4 you will have not much more work than the dog.

mintbiscuit · 11/06/2023 09:56

cuckyplunt · 11/06/2023 08:25

I read somewhere that the reason we know for definite that the world is not flat is because if it was, cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now.

😂😂😂😂

it’s so true!!

TooOldForThisNonsense · 11/06/2023 09:57

I’d rehome them. Your kids will get over it, you can explain it’s down to their useless father.

DisquietintheRanks · 11/06/2023 09:57

Kitcatkins · 11/06/2023 08:27

I did clear it up because I can't have the kittens being hurt due to neglect. That's the problem, I can't let them suffer because DH is not stepping up

Or...you go tell your lazy as fuck dp to get his arse out if bed and take responsibility for his pets.

Chickychoccyegg · 11/06/2023 09:58

Oh op, you need to harden your heart and stop being so wishy washy!!
Get at least 2 of the kittens to a shelter today, it's absolute madness to keep 4 kittens, in no time they'll have kittens and you'll be over run
Your dc would get over this fairly quickly by the way, if you feel like a bitch for a day or 2, so what? You'll still have done the right thing, if it was me, all 4 would be going to a shelter today, as dh has shown what a lazy, cheeky fucker he is with regards to the kittens.

ShandaLear · 11/06/2023 09:58

MarvelMrs · 11/06/2023 09:55

Can you compromise and keep two kittens? Four is a lot and will be expensive.

However in terms of your post, you do need to suck it up. That is family life. Your partner and, more importantly, children love these kittens and therefore you need to get on board with it. My DH likes gardening but I don’t. However I have to embrace it. Help sometimes. Put up with gardening equipment in my way. That is what shared lifestyles are all about.
On the specific point about your DH this morning…..no, he was rude to text you and not get up himself and clear it up. I would be speaking to him about this later.

No you don’t. And no you don’t.

Family life is based on respect and responsibility, and the OP’s DF appears to have enthusiastically divested himself of both.

sixthvestibule · 11/06/2023 09:59

My DH wouldn’t have even crossed the threshold with four kittens. He knows better than to try and make me share my home with animals I don’t want that break my glass vases. Pets are a joint decision.

SoShallINever · 11/06/2023 10:04

He's an outrageous man child who needs to grow up. Getting a cat is something you plan as it's a long term commitment. Ours costs about £40 a month and you now have 4. Vet bills and cat sitting (when we are on holiday are much more).
Is he prepared to change the cat litter trays? Or is he planning on just letting them poo all over yours and your neighbours gardens? Because honestly cat poo on your children's shoes and hands is awful.

EachandEveryone · 11/06/2023 10:05

Im here for the photos😃

TooOldForThisNonsense · 11/06/2023 10:06

MarvelMrs · 11/06/2023 09:55

Can you compromise and keep two kittens? Four is a lot and will be expensive.

However in terms of your post, you do need to suck it up. That is family life. Your partner and, more importantly, children love these kittens and therefore you need to get on board with it. My DH likes gardening but I don’t. However I have to embrace it. Help sometimes. Put up with gardening equipment in my way. That is what shared lifestyles are all about.
On the specific point about your DH this morning…..no, he was rude to text you and not get up himself and clear it up. I would be speaking to him about this later.

“Family life” is not the mother and wife being a drudge, skivvy and slave to everyone else’s wants. The kids are probably only interested as they are cute kittens and won’t be arsed with them when they are grown anyway.

OP, get rid for sure, of the kittens, the husband or both.

Beautiful3 · 11/06/2023 10:07

If any are female, you'll need to have them done soon. Otherwise they'll keep having kittens. They'll be independent soon. Might be worth putting in a cat flap when they're ready to come and go. They'll start sleeping all day, then going out all night.

FOJN · 11/06/2023 10:08

I'm particularly pissed off this morning as I got up early to work and he heard them smashing some glass so texted me to clean up as he is still in bed.

He did what? That's the time to say no, he has to get up and do it and if either the kittens or the children are hurt by the cut glass you will hold him responsible.

Either I'm stuck with the burden of animals I don't want, or I break my kids' hearts.

How does this work? He breaks a promise and you're the bad guy for the consequences. Tell him he can explain to the children that the kittens have to go because he is a lazy and irresponsible. Don't allow him to make you responsible for the children's upset.

I'm waiting on DH to organise neutering but obvs I might end up doing it. My hope is that we will neuter and vaccinate all four of them and then pass at least two to the shelter for rehoming.

Hoping? Why so passive. Does he even know how much neutering, vaccinations, microchips and insurance will cost? It's nearly 25 years since I paid for such things for a cat and iirc the neutering, initial vaccinations and microchip cost about £120 then so I dread to think what it would cost now, I suspect it will be somewhere between £800 and a £1000 for all four cats. It's more expensive the spay female cats than neuter male cats.

Decide how many if any you are prepared to keep and find a rescue who will find good homes for the others.

I love cats but in your shoes I wouldn't keep any unless you accept that you will do all he work because your lazy husband certainly won't.

RoyalGala · 11/06/2023 10:08

Those saying to drop to a shelter today, it doesn’t work like that, many have a waiting list. It’s also quite awful how people are talking about them like they’re just products that can be disposed of, they’re likely the result of an irresponsible person not neutering/spaying their pets and then dumping their kittens when their cat gives birth.