“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

I also don’t want to create an adult that expects to only do things they choose.

this is not a risk you’re taking here. She’s 6. You need to see this man for who he is and not force any contact at all.

If it were me, I’d thank my lucky stars he was happy with minimal contact and I’d lose him for good. He’s not a good father- sometimes no dad is better than a really shit one.

Get a babysitter and go out whenever you can- he shouldn’t be in your space ever.

Is it possible that every week is just too much. Would she be OK with staying over every other week?
I do feel your pain. My kids don't stay at their dads and it is draining having to be on call all the time. (Mine are older but my sn has sn and can be quite intense at times). But they don't want to stay and I'd never make them. If he hasn't built the relationship up to be one where your daughter feels safe and happy staying there the last thing you want is for her to feel she has to.

Thank you😃 thing is, I get it, I really do and I don’t want that for her. I want her to be confident & happy in herself. Gosh it’s so hard! I want her to know I’m listening & this is her home. Prefers home & misses Mummy though. I think she’s had too many choices and I’ve made a rod for my own back.

Yes I understand. This would work & you’re right, there are other ways to teach what I want to teach.

Last night while he was here she was happy with this but today she’s saying she just doesn’t want to stay but wants to go all day.

Yes fully get this & agree. She just doesn’t know how to explain it to me. It’s nothing sinister but for whatever reason, she doesn’t want it. I understand what you’re saying totally.

I hate it. Diets, constant talk of lottery, lottery results, what he would buy with the lottery, people bodies, peoples kid, it’s gross.

Thats not counting what he tries to force on me with his conspiracy theories & many other things!

She needs to see him, she wants to & it’s good for her.

He doesn’t add anything whatsoever to parenting but she needs him in her life & I’m glad for her that he is.

Agreed. I’m one of those kids that didn’t get attention & I’m very self sufficient & independent because of it!

its my fault & hopefully I can correct it now .

@StarDolphins is he looks and money obsessed If you don't mind me asking - because his conversation starters are a bit fixated on those things

@StarDolphins In my example I'm not saying my mum didn't give us attention, I'm saying she did but in a way that allowed her to do the things she needed to do too. So I'd sit colouring or playing with playdoh at the kitchen table and she'd be prepping dinner or whatever, but we might also be playing Connect 4 / battle ships / chess as I got older and she'd move her piece when she had a moment and we'd be chatting and listening to music it was great. If I wanted to do my own thing elsewhere in the house I could but if I wanted mum it would most likely be in the kitchen.

She obviously doesn't want to stay, so I wouldn't make her.

Also, you need to give yourself a break. You don't need to be perfect. Good enough is ok. If you are not ok, things will slide anyway, so please take care of yourself. Your cup needs to be full to be able to fill another's.

Thanks all, I’m going to have a think over the coming days but I’m swaying now to just saying ok, if you really don’t want to stay then you don’t have to (but will be making a big effort in other ways to teach her in life we don’t always get to do exactly what we want)

I will then say he needs to pick her up at 9am on a sat, give her all her meals for that day (sorry forgot who suggested this) & that I will collect her at 7pm every Saturday so I can grab & go so not chance of a conversation.

As much as I would’ve loved her to stay for her & my benefit, I would rather do without time on my own to ensure she gets a good & stable life. Seeing him lots would definitely be damaging with his views & ways so spending less time there might not be too bad after all.

i will ensure she knows she can change her mind & stay if/when she’s ready.

I know I give her WAY too much attention & I’m working on this immediately. You’ve all brought some really good points up.

Your not giving her too much attention, you just need to work out a way to do it in a way that benefits you both and doesn't leave you feeling exhausted. You sound like a fantastic mum.

In a few years your DD won't want to spend much time with you at all and you'll be looking back at those evenings outdoors with fondness!

right got you! I do make tea/wash up & she stays in lounge mostly but watches tv. She won’t get colouring etc out as she sees that as an ‘us’ activity so will wait for me.

She has just written & coloured in a tooth fairy letter on her own, I gave her a paper & said “ooh you do your note while I wash up” so she did but is now asking if we’re going to the woods! Which we do a lot before bed so we’ll do that together.

Providing you are confident she is safe with him (which you clearly are, else you wouldn't be sending her in the first place) then she should stay.

Children, just like adults, have to be places they don't want to be sometimes. If she wanted to be picked up from school, you wouldn't do it, just because she preferred being at home.

It's totally natural that, as she isn't used to over nights at her dad's, it will take a bit of time for her to adjust to it. But it's a good thing for her to spend time with him, and develop that tiny bit of independence from you.

I understand that it must feel hurtful to him at the moment, that feeling that his daughter doesn't want to spend time with him. But she clearly DOES love him (she misses him in the week) so really you all just have to power through this tricky bit to get to a point where you are all more settled and happy, and that she is used to staying with him.

I split with my dd's dad when she was about 5, and I was the one to move out of the family home. We have always shared custody, but initially she really did not want to stay with me in my new house. We had some truly horrific scenes and I felt utterly broken by it.

She now speaks really positively about the experience she had growing up in two different homes and in what are essentially two very different lifestyles - yes she is a remarkable person, but she essentially has managed the transition smoothly (with our support and our truly EXCELLENT co-parenting - we were a terrible couple but have done a great job raising her separately!) , and is equally at home now spending the summer travelling the country living out of a van with me, or socialising at a restaurant in Soho with her dad's extremely wealthy friends (we really are VERY different people! Tho both good parents I believe, each bringing something very different to the table. And have both always put her at the centre of our lives in some ways yes, though not to the exclusion of HAVING our own lives, IYSWIM).

Try and think of some practical things that would make her feel more happy at exes - are there certain toys she would like to have there, foods or activities he doesn't offer currently, etc? I am not saying he should totally revamp his house to suit her tastes, but maybe there are things he could do to make it feel more like a home to her?

And then when all that is in place, next time she asks to come home, it does just have to be "sorry, darling, but no - this is your time with dad, you will see mom soon".

It might also be worth gently explaining to her that it really hurts his feelings when she says she doesn't want to spend time with him? It doesn't hurt children to know that other people have feelings that matter too, and that they have the power to hurt those with their actions ....

Good luck! FWIW you sound like a great mom, and she is lucky to have you!

Thank you. I think getting her in bed earlier will benefit me in that I can then maybe watch a bit of tv or go on the internet.

I I definitely need to not fill all the time with stuff or be available immediately. As said by po, boredom is ok & I don’t need to fix that. If she’s bored, I will suggests she’s finds something, colouring etc.

I’ve had a good think today & I do think she does get all my attention.

Also, at the woods, I will suggest I watch her climb trees a bit more instead of me doing it with her like I’m 6!

It’s really healthy to grow out of wanting to be her playmate and into a more supporting role. What you want is for her to grow out of wanting to be with you all the time (you like this idea in theory but honestly it’s a bit painful). When I said does she have anything to do I didn’t really mean you’d kept her in an empty room I meant she needs things she doesn’t want you to do with her. Things she does and then shows you are good.

Hmm, I don’t know there is anything bar say writing a card or she will do school competitions (like design a Pudsey bear artwork) but everything else I would she’s wanting us both to do it together or me at least watch (gymnastics/dancing). I remember playing in my room with barbies/my little pony but she would never do this, she would find it boring. Tv is the only thing. Even with iPad games where you do the hair/make up on the dolls, it’s “do you like what I did with her hair” type things.

But yes, I want the supportive role, I will be good at this I think.

I’ve just nipped in the kitchen to take my bread out of the freezer & she’s just said “mummy, when you’ve got your bread, would you like to watch me dance” so I did say I will soon but I just need to feed the cat so she’s waiting!

Does she do jobs at home?

only really if we do it together like she’ll help me strip the bed & she will make me a sandwich while I make hers & she’ll put her things away (mostly!).Before I asked her to put all chalks back in box & bring them in & she did.

I have a five year old and really echo the idea of quiet time - start with a short period of time and then build up to an hour. Hand her a clock to show her if need be. DD does this after lunch on weekends - goes to her room to play/read/whatever, but on her own and not with the sodding iPad. She'll happily do an hour, and this is a very talkative child who really likes attention and interaction.

It's fine not to always climb the trees / go to the park after tea / whatever. Look for a better balance for yourself.

Sounds like you are well rid of that ex!

Things like Hama beads or loom bands/friendship bracelets are quite good little activities that can be picked up and put down. She might need some input till she gets the hang of them but she should be able to sit for a little bit at the table with something like that whilst you do some cooking.

You sound like a great mum- just an exhausted one! People are trying to help you see that you can still be just as great whilst also being less exhausted.

Personally I would start with putting her in her own bed then sending her Friday evenings and seeing how that goes. It's a difficult decision and so unfair that her dad can make zero effort and you have to pick up the pieces at the cost to yourself and DD. Being a single parent to an only child is intense and hugely demanding, im not surprised you need a night off sometimes. Grrrr......