“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

I need to change bedtime. I will then be able to have more time.

Definitely start doing this. And look at what you are doing - how much clearing up is there? Are there habits you can change or instil so theres not so much to do? Your dd will be used to "tidy up time" at school so if she's not helping at home (eg putting her toys away) then thats something to start.

Not sure what you mean by this? When he used to go out when he lived here do you mean? I did.

Does she have enough to do by herself in her room or the living room?

Yes she will tidy up with me. It’s things like getting her bag ready, getting my lunch for the next day ready. I will start doing this before her bed and I will def get her to bed earlier.

I can do this tonight as she’ll be shattered because it was 10pm last night as he gave her sweets later than she’s allowed at home!

plus her tooth came out today so I have a bargaining tool of the tooth fairy!

Yes she does, it’s like Smyrna toy superstore in here!😃

Can’t find the reply now about being bored is good/part of learning type thing. I agree with this, I need to not fix the boredom so easily.

She just said she likes to play with me. I have created this I know.

I am logging off now as I need to convert the house into a yoga championship 2023 final….🤣

Not really, we have a party at my friends so I will get a lovely break.

I will be back later to read & re-read all your very wise replies. Thank you very much.

I agree with this, as long as she's safe at her dad's there's no reason why she needs to come home everytime she wants to.
What if you wanted to start dating or have an overnight stay somewhere? She'll have no choice but to stay at her dad's.

@StarDolphins she's one lucky lady to have you by the way- please don't think all of us suggesting a little less going along with wants and a little more time for you is meant in a judging way- it's because many of us have been there or have friends who ended up with demanding teens in some cases due to constant attention

OK so play with her for 10 mi utes, that's forever for a child and makes no difference to an adult and then say I have to go and do X, Y, Z now.

Or say I can't play now but can you come and help me get your bag ready, help me pack our lunches etc, help with dinner... My mum used to put the radio on whilst she was in the kitchen and we'd have colouring books and quick games like travel Connect 4 and sit at the table and colour and play the quick games whilst mum cooked. This might be why the kitchen was always the heart of the home. Mum's of yesteryear didn't have time to be doing yoga poses etc or tending to children in other rooms

No, you said he was rough after going out last night.
Was your daughter staying at his house at that point?
Sorry if I’m being a bit dense

Absolutely this.

I'm getting red flags here. Don't make her stay overnight.

I agree with others - you sound like a brilliant mum, but that doesn't mean you can't occasionally say No and do something on your own!

If you believe she's safe and cared for with dad, then he needs to step up and say no, you can't go home. But you need to reinforce this as well.

Got you! Yes he went out fri night(when she was with me) so was rough yesterday when she was there.

Was just having a chat with her about her day yesterday & she said she had a great time swimming with him then they watched a film. She then reiterated that she doesn’t want to stay, he has no pets & his flat is boring & she prefers home.

Your ex sounds like an absolute pig.

If he drops her off, open the door enough to stand in the gap, bring her in, then tell him goodbye and close the door.

If he tries to come in tell him no. If he asks why, tell him because you don't want him there. If he gets nasty tell him to go away or you will call the police.

Reinforce your boundaries and don't let him slither round them. This is also modelling good behaviour for your DD.

Yes I believe she’s well cared for. The worst I would say is he’s a bit ott with cleanliness/crumbs etc & can get shitty after spending a while keeping up his fun facade. Thank you!

I’m still really confused about whether to enforce it or not. She’s told him & me many times she wants to go home but I’m still torn as is ‘prefers home’ a good enough reason.

I don’t wMt her to resent me for forcing her but I also don’t want to create an adult that expects to only do things they choose.

Regarding him making comments, yes it’s absolutely gross telling someone they’re too thin/where’s your tits gone etc. I would never want my dd to be spoken to like that. I’ve already had to have words with him about constantly talking to her about diets.

He’s def turned into a horny letch.yuck!

@StarDolphins you don't need to enforce it though do you, this isn't the only time in her childhood she's going to have to do something she doesn't wants to do there are plenty of future scenarios for her to learn about obligation. If he lives close just tell him to bring her home at 7pm and to pick her up again at 8:30am - all meals are still his responsibility and she gets the reassurance she needs. You get a break during the day time and as she gets older may change her mind.

Teaching her compromise and boundaries is just as important as teaching obligation.

You're hearing 'she prefers home' as an adult and interpreting it as if an adult was saying that. Sure, for an adult, that's not a strong reason.

She's six though. She's saying 'I don't like it' and trying to find a reason she knows the words for, that she thinks you'll accept.

She then reiterated that she doesn’t want to stay, he has no pets & his flat is boring & she prefers home.

Again, she's trying to find words related to simple facts you both know, to build her case for 'I don't like it but don't have the concepts or words to explain why'.

I'm not suggesting that the real reason is sinister. I am saying that DCs 'know' things through feeling and intuition, that they cannot name until they're much, much older. I'm sure we can all think of things that we were told as adults (family history facts etc) and thought 'of course, I always knew that - but I would never have thought to say it out loud, because it was a hazy background awareness, not a stated, named fact'.

I remember doing exactly what your dd is doing at six, in response to a similar sort of question. Instead of attempting to explain my complex feelings towards two separated parents, in a way that I didn't have words for and knew would be rejected as too vague and not a 'good enough reason', I said 'I want to be with Mummy because this factual thing happened at Daddy's house and that doesn't happen at Mummy's house'. An undisputable fact, external to my relationships and an event for which no-one concerned was to blame. Emotionally neutral. Not requiring me to try to explain feelings. Similarly, 'Daddy doesn't have pets' - morally and emotionally neutral fact.

Your dd's reason may well just be that she has more fun and feels cosier with you. But she might also feel a bit lonely or uncomfortable at her father's, in some way.

Listen to her. Don't require a level of explanation she is incapable of supplying.

He doesn’t sound like someone who will be great for her self esteem growing up.

I wouldn’t want my child hearing diet type comments from a critical old creep

Next time she goes, let her know you wont be at home. You have booked a night away so she wont have the thought in her mind "mummy is home, I fancy being there". She will know you are away

Whether you "actually" end up going doesn't matter. She will know it isnt an option.

I honestly do t understand this whole thread. I’d be glad my kids didn’t want anything to do with their dad.
More for me, his loss.

Lock your front door and when he rings the bell, let dad through and keep him at the door.

When dad misses her dad during the week, tell her she said this last week but then didn't make the most of her time with him. Help her plan her time with him, write post it's of things they could do together in the morning (after sleep over)

I'd change his time to the evening until whenever suits the next day. So the build up isn't there for her.

If she comes back from his and hasn't slept over 'that's a shame as I know you miss daddy. Tonight is mummy's night to recharge her batteries so I'm watching my program so you can do x. I'm still recharging batteries for next week so I'll read you a story then it's your bedtime'

Make
It
Boring

It doesn't matter what he wants. His time with her should be spent with her and if she doesn't start getting used to it and him making an effort for her it's never going to happen.

Why is he going out on the lash and having hangovers on the days she's with him?!!

I'd be out or have my phone off next time her messages. He's taking the piss and I don't believe he's acting in the child's best interests at all.

You don't need to ever have a conversation with him about anything but DD ever again.

Time to set firm boundaries, OP.