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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

378 replies

StarDolphins · 10/06/2023 23:02

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

OP posts:
Plutonium7000 · 11/06/2023 20:26

Also, you keep saying "it's my fault" and "I've created this problem". You've done nothing wrong, last time I checked, giving your child lots of love and attention and enjoyimg time together was not a crime!!! We all grow with our children and re-adjust things a little as they get older.

We start reading our kids stories but then encourage them to read to themselves more. We drive them round to their friends' houses etc but then start to encourage them to cycle themselves or take the bus. We give them pocket money, but at some point suggest they get a part time job. On the other hand we then spend time with them playing cards/tennis/watch more grown up films/teaching them how to cook on the bbq etc, things that are more enjoyable for us and the relationship stays fun but there is downtime in between and everyone learns how to respect each other's space and be happy in their own company.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 20:52

Crikeyalmighty · 11/06/2023 18:19

@StarDolphins is he looks and money obsessed If you don't mind me asking - because his conversation starters are a bit fixated on those things

Yes I think so. He chases the lottery & dreams of what he would buy etc & shares it all with our DD so she’s come home & said ooh daddy is waiting for tonight incase he wins the lottery & I’m just like, he won’t win & it doesn’t matter because we should be happy with our lives. We have a lot to be grateful for.

Then the looks thing, he diets & won’t take a sweet that she’s saved for because’he’s on a diet’ but then when he’s not on a diet, she’ll see him eat 5 bags of crisps. He shares when he’s on a diet with her etc. he also comments on peoples weight etc.

For all my mums faults, she never ever talked about food, never said anything about looks & etc & so I never think of it & I don’t want my dd to think of being rich or ‘thin’ as being what we aim for. She has said to me ‘will I be thin like you’ I won’t be fat will I. I close it down sharply & say it doesn’t matter as long as you’re healthy.

I don’t say much to him now because it makes no difference.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 11/06/2023 20:56

Could you have a box of things that are 'just DD games' so she has 'permission' to use anything in this box, all by herself. Nothing that will overwhelm her - and all things she can clearly do by herself... maybe something new?

This time will pass so quickly. My 9.5 used to be quite clingy. Now he doesn't even like me taking him into the school plaground - he bolts 'before his mates see him' and would much rather ai allowed him to go alone! Yes boys can be different... but not always.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 20:59

Plutonium7000 · 11/06/2023 20:26

Also, you keep saying "it's my fault" and "I've created this problem". You've done nothing wrong, last time I checked, giving your child lots of love and attention and enjoyimg time together was not a crime!!! We all grow with our children and re-adjust things a little as they get older.

We start reading our kids stories but then encourage them to read to themselves more. We drive them round to their friends' houses etc but then start to encourage them to cycle themselves or take the bus. We give them pocket money, but at some point suggest they get a part time job. On the other hand we then spend time with them playing cards/tennis/watch more grown up films/teaching them how to cook on the bbq etc, things that are more enjoyable for us and the relationship stays fun but there is downtime in between and everyone learns how to respect each other's space and be happy in their own company.

i get what you’re saying & that was my aim, to give her all the attention I didn’t get. However, she seems somewhat reliant on it now like I am her best little playmate. I want to be her playmate of course but I feel like she’s had my absolute attention & now she craves it.

Same with my dog too🤣 I think I inadvertently create needy ones!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 21:17

Ilovelurchers · 11/06/2023 18:38

Providing you are confident she is safe with him (which you clearly are, else you wouldn't be sending her in the first place) then she should stay.

Children, just like adults, have to be places they don't want to be sometimes. If she wanted to be picked up from school, you wouldn't do it, just because she preferred being at home.

It's totally natural that, as she isn't used to over nights at her dad's, it will take a bit of time for her to adjust to it. But it's a good thing for her to spend time with him, and develop that tiny bit of independence from you.

I understand that it must feel hurtful to him at the moment, that feeling that his daughter doesn't want to spend time with him. But she clearly DOES love him (she misses him in the week) so really you all just have to power through this tricky bit to get to a point where you are all more settled and happy, and that she is used to staying with him.

I split with my dd's dad when she was about 5, and I was the one to move out of the family home. We have always shared custody, but initially she really did not want to stay with me in my new house. We had some truly horrific scenes and I felt utterly broken by it.

She now speaks really positively about the experience she had growing up in two different homes and in what are essentially two very different lifestyles - yes she is a remarkable person, but she essentially has managed the transition smoothly (with our support and our truly EXCELLENT co-parenting - we were a terrible couple but have done a great job raising her separately!) , and is equally at home now spending the summer travelling the country living out of a van with me, or socialising at a restaurant in Soho with her dad's extremely wealthy friends (we really are VERY different people! Tho both good parents I believe, each bringing something very different to the table. And have both always put her at the centre of our lives in some ways yes, though not to the exclusion of HAVING our own lives, IYSWIM).

Try and think of some practical things that would make her feel more happy at exes - are there certain toys she would like to have there, foods or activities he doesn't offer currently, etc? I am not saying he should totally revamp his house to suit her tastes, but maybe there are things he could do to make it feel more like a home to her?

And then when all that is in place, next time she asks to come home, it does just have to be "sorry, darling, but no - this is your time with dad, you will see mom soon".

It might also be worth gently explaining to her that it really hurts his feelings when she says she doesn't want to spend time with him? It doesn't hurt children to know that other people have feelings that matter too, and that they have the power to hurt those with their actions ....

Good luck! FWIW you sound like a great mom, and she is lucky to have you!

About the hurting his feelings..I don’t want to do this (rightly or wrongly) as I actually want her to tell the truth about what she would like (whether she gets her way or not) & not have to do something she doesn’t want to do to make him happy.

You sound like you & your ex did a great & United job together co-parenting but I just don’t see this in my situation. I keep it all ticking over on the surface, he thinks I’m a great mum but I really don’t think he’s a great parent, he wants to be liked first & foremost, he doesn’t see parenting as a preparing them for being an adult type role.

She has protested about sleepovers for nearly 2 years & I have mostly (bar a 10 month break) sent her with her bags packed but said if you’re really really upset /sobbing or you’re Poorly you can always come home. Week after week she rings (but isn’t sobbing/really upset but does ring to say she’s missing me) & I always jolly it up “i miss you too but I’m really looking forward to seeing you in the morning” then quickly change the subject.

my concern (as you rightly point out) is that she can’t just get her own way if she prefers something else as life just isn’t like that, I said to her many times that I would prefer not to go to work & would like to do something else instead. But could I teach her this without insisting she stays where she doesn’t want to? As a pp suggested & maybe I can! She will occasionally protest about school, she would prefer a picnic & I say non-negotiable & refer to me not wanting to go to work but I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 21:26

LittleOwl153 · 11/06/2023 20:56

Could you have a box of things that are 'just DD games' so she has 'permission' to use anything in this box, all by herself. Nothing that will overwhelm her - and all things she can clearly do by herself... maybe something new?

This time will pass so quickly. My 9.5 used to be quite clingy. Now he doesn't even like me taking him into the school plaground - he bolts 'before his mates see him' and would much rather ai allowed him to go alone! Yes boys can be different... but not always.

This gives me hope! What a change for your son & if I knew this would happen, I’d go with it!

She had an lcd pad drawing pad, a crayola tracing pad, charm bracelet set - all things that she could do on her own (& that I would’ve done on my own) but she starts them but is talking/wanting me to be there like it’s a joint activity “what do you think of her hair” “which one do you want to do next” etc so I’m still there like her little constant friend!

Today was lovely, got to my friends, swim suit on (her not me!) then off playing with all the other kids & never came to me! 😃

OP posts:
billy1966 · 11/06/2023 21:34

She is at a great age to start looking atcsports like hockey, tennis, girls soccer.

They are great for friendship, fun and fitness.

She will be exhausted from them and you will meet other parents or just sit innthe car with a flask of coffee.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 21:39

TheWayTheLightFalls · 11/06/2023 20:13

I have a five year old and really echo the idea of quiet time - start with a short period of time and then build up to an hour. Hand her a clock to show her if need be. DD does this after lunch on weekends - goes to her room to play/read/whatever, but on her own and not with the sodding iPad. She'll happily do an hour, and this is a very talkative child who really likes attention and interaction.

It's fine not to always climb the trees / go to the park after tea / whatever. Look for a better balance for yourself.

Sounds like you are well rid of that ex!

Thank you & yes I’m much happier.

I just can’t see her doing this (I would love it if she did, for her sake not mine). If I suggested even 10 mins on her own in her bedroom,she would ask why & when I was coming! The only time she plays in her room is when she has a friend for tea.

She will potter about in her room for 19 mins while I shower but this is just while she’s waiting for me.

I wouldn’t even know how to suggest this without her thinking I’m strange!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 21:45

Plutonium7000 · 11/06/2023 20:16

Things like Hama beads or loom bands/friendship bracelets are quite good little activities that can be picked up and put down. She might need some input till she gets the hang of them but she should be able to sit for a little bit at the table with something like that whilst you do some cooking.

You sound like a great mum- just an exhausted one! People are trying to help you see that you can still be just as great whilst also being less exhausted.

Personally I would start with putting her in her own bed then sending her Friday evenings and seeing how that goes. It's a difficult decision and so unfair that her dad can make zero effort and you have to pick up the pieces at the cost to yourself and DD. Being a single parent to an only child is intense and hugely demanding, im not surprised you need a night off sometimes. Grrrr......

Thank you, I will look at the Hama beads & loom bands, great idea.

I really didn’t anticipate it being this hard to navigate & I really wish I’d done less partying & more settling down so I had enough time to have 2 children so they could’ve played with each other!😃

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 21:49

billy1966 · 11/06/2023 21:34

She is at a great age to start looking atcsports like hockey, tennis, girls soccer.

They are great for friendship, fun and fitness.

She will be exhausted from them and you will meet other parents or just sit innthe car with a flask of coffee.

Thank you, pp suggested this upthread but I couldn’t find it. Sport is a good option & I will suggest this & look into it.

She does dancing, swimming, rainbows & active club also but still finds some time for some mummy games!

I think she would like something sporty.

OP posts:
Plutonium7000 · 11/06/2023 22:00

Just wanted to add that like others have said, this may be partly down to your DD's personality. I have a child like this who constantly craves social interaction. One of his friends is exactly the same, her mum is always up for an playdate to give us both a break!!! They have both become much more independent as they've got older and they both now spend a lot of time with friends and playing sport. They are bright, happy kids.

My other child is the complete opposite and easily amuses himself for hours. Just a different kid in every way.

Conkersinautumn · 11/06/2023 22:03

She's six he obviously can't be arsed, who'd want to stay where they feel an inconvenience- making her go and stay when he will wriggle out is unfortunately just going to chip away at her self esteem

Lira715 · 11/06/2023 22:04

I was a single mum from when DD was 6m …we lived abroad and I moved back to uk so there was no weekends or nights , not even a day out with dad I had to fly her over to see him. It was exhausting and I would have loved a night off too so fully understand. I used to make sure all cleaning tidying etc done by time she went bed at 6.30 then that was my time to watch tv and relax .. she’s nearly 8 now and so goes to bed around 7.30/8, her dads back in uk and she goes to stay in school holidays for a few days or a week .. I miss her terribly when she’s there, you can’t win haha. I always think they want you for such a short time so enjoy that .. soon you ll be begging her to spend a night in with you on the sofa xx

Spikedgt · 11/06/2023 22:05

I think if she doesn't want to stay overnight, you shouldn't make her. You are her safety net, after all. I think you are missing the bigger picture here. If she consistently wants to come home when being asked to stay overnight at her dad's, I think there may be more to it than just "missing you and liking home better", I don't think she feels safe there, and the only way she can explain it is how she phrased it to you. Kids are very good at picking up on things, so maybe she is aware that her dad doesn't seem to want her around, etc.
Its a hard one, as I understand you want them to have a relationship, but for now I think your daughter feeling safe and loved is more important.

scrantonelectriccity · 11/06/2023 22:06

I had to go to my dads every other weekend as a child and every time I'd cry and say I didn't want to go, this went on until I was 13 and I was really miserable there, I could tell he didn't want me there, we never did anything fun or child friendly and I just wanted to be at home with my mum.

I really wish my mum just let me stay at home. Don't force your DD to go if she doesn't want to.

I know you must be knackered having no break but your DD comes first

Trying2understand · 11/06/2023 22:11

There's something she's not comfortable about staying with him. Listen to her. If you don't she will learn to quash those feelings and they are important feelings to listen to.

I'm assuming he will still have her for the daytime? One day off a week or every other week can be just what you need to re-set. Have a nap, watching netflix, catch up with a friend.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 22:27

Trying2understand · 11/06/2023 22:11

There's something she's not comfortable about staying with him. Listen to her. If you don't she will learn to quash those feelings and they are important feelings to listen to.

I'm assuming he will still have her for the daytime? One day off a week or every other week can be just what you need to re-set. Have a nap, watching netflix, catch up with a friend.

Yes she will still go for the day every sat (she definitely enjoys this) and I give suggestions of places to take her & he does take her to these. As a po suggested, I will say she has to be there for the full day inc meals & I will collect her at 7pm.

I think I will leave it for a few days & ask her if she would like a sleepover (I don’t usually ask) & if she says no then I will stop them but say she just has to tell me if she ever wants to.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 22:28

scrantonelectriccity · 11/06/2023 22:06

I had to go to my dads every other weekend as a child and every time I'd cry and say I didn't want to go, this went on until I was 13 and I was really miserable there, I could tell he didn't want me there, we never did anything fun or child friendly and I just wanted to be at home with my mum.

I really wish my mum just let me stay at home. Don't force your DD to go if she doesn't want to.

I know you must be knackered having no break but your DD comes first

how you felt is what I just don’t want for her. I don’t want her to feel like you & think I never listened to her. She does indeed come first.

Peace & quiet is overrated anyway!😃

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 22:31

Spikedgt · 11/06/2023 22:05

I think if she doesn't want to stay overnight, you shouldn't make her. You are her safety net, after all. I think you are missing the bigger picture here. If she consistently wants to come home when being asked to stay overnight at her dad's, I think there may be more to it than just "missing you and liking home better", I don't think she feels safe there, and the only way she can explain it is how she phrased it to you. Kids are very good at picking up on things, so maybe she is aware that her dad doesn't seem to want her around, etc.
Its a hard one, as I understand you want them to have a relationship, but for now I think your daughter feeling safe and loved is more important.

I think by teatime after a full day with her, he wants time to himself & the fun daddy act is then hard to keep
uo so yes I think you’re right, she probably senses he’s getting tetchy.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 11/06/2023 22:35

Lira715 · 11/06/2023 22:04

I was a single mum from when DD was 6m …we lived abroad and I moved back to uk so there was no weekends or nights , not even a day out with dad I had to fly her over to see him. It was exhausting and I would have loved a night off too so fully understand. I used to make sure all cleaning tidying etc done by time she went bed at 6.30 then that was my time to watch tv and relax .. she’s nearly 8 now and so goes to bed around 7.30/8, her dads back in uk and she goes to stay in school holidays for a few days or a week .. I miss her terribly when she’s there, you can’t win haha. I always think they want you for such a short time so enjoy that .. soon you ll be begging her to spend a night in with you on the sofa xx

Posts like this put it into perspective & when she’s a teen, I will look back at this post & think the same & want to see her & she’ll be mortified by her embarrassing mum!

I will offer sleepover but won’t insist & if she wants to stay home then she can.

OP posts:
OliveWah · 11/06/2023 23:23

When your EX calls to say DD wants to come home, have you tried saying to her "That's absolutely fine, you are of course very welcome to come home, but Mummy has a nice, relaxing evening planned for herself, so I can recharge ready for all the playing we're going to do this week!" Then if she keeps trying to get you to play, you can gently remind her that "Mummy is recharging at the moment, let me relax and watch this programme/read a bit of my book etc. and then I'll have lots of energy to play with you for the rest of the week!"

Fraaahnces · 12/06/2023 05:18

Mummy is not a device or a robot. “Mummy’s exhausted and needs some time to herself” is more honest.

Lira715 · 12/06/2023 06:47

You doing an amazing job it’s so hard on your own and it’s normal to feel like you need a break and some me time sometimes and if he tried harder with her when she was there she probably would be ok in staying but there’s nothing you can really do about that. If you have grandparents close by maybe they could do a pick up from school or a Saturday out with her occasionally give you a few hours off. Also don’t feel bad about things like ipad tv etc a few hours won’t harm when you need a break xxx

TheWayTheLightFalls · 12/06/2023 07:04

I wouldn’t even know how to suggest this without her thinking I’m strange!

It’s absolutely fine to say mum’s tired and needs some quiet time now. And redirect her to her room. You are not a 24/7 children’s entertainer.

Thelastofbus · 12/06/2023 07:11

What happens at home if you put her in her own bed, read a story and then go downstairs at 8:00 before she’s fallen asleep?