“Xxxx is upset & wants to come home’

[StarDolphins]

DD 6/nearly 7 see ex every Sat. Always been her choice to stay over or not, always wanted to come home.

Eventually, after lots of ‘I miss Daddy’ in the week, I told them both she has to stay over x1 per week so she sees him for longer. After a bit of resistance from him saying ‘he wants a fucking life too’ he agreed & said he would make it nice for her etc. This is the 5th week.

She loves going there & misses him but keeps saying she doesn’t want to stay there. I keep insisting. The only reason she can give is ‘she likes home better, & she misses me’. Which I’m torn because I would rather be at home than work but sometimes we just have to do things that aren’t our favourite thing?

4weeks she has stayed but I’ve had text messages each week saying she wants to come home. Today (he’s rough after going out last night) he said he’s bringing her home as it’s not working & she’s upset!

I fill every day with her with love, fun, admin, clubs, sofa together, she has an amazing & stable home life. I drag myself to the park after tea if she asks. We bike, climb trees, everything & I’m running on empty.

AIBU to think that she should stay for all our sakes? (I admit it’s the only time where I can watch tv on the sofa, have a glass of wing & cuddle my dog & I really enjoy it).

Or do I just accept that she doesn’t want to stay there for whatever reason, suck it up & just say she can go for the day?

This book is the one a I had, there was also a “my learn to cook book”. The recipes are probably quite dated now but it was great, so straightforward. I really enjoyed working my way through the recipes. There must be a modern equivalent . Certainly from about seven she could do stuff like this while you potter about getting other stuff done, or have time to read a book.

@StarDolphins reading your OP about how tired you get entertaining your DD, could you take her to a sport once a week. Maybe cricket in the summer and netball or hockey in the winter? Will be great for her as starting at 6 she will have the opportunity to get good, make friends and be in school teams etc. Then especially with the cricket you can sit and relax. Also if your ex is even vaguely sporty it might be something he could help with.

You sound absolutely lovely, and I really feel for you.

Honestly, I had a difficult childhood too, so I know where you are coming from.

one thing to think about is whether, if you do keep insisting on this, whether it will ultimately undo all your efforts, I.e. whether she’ll start resenting you for sending her to her dads when she told you she doesn’t want to. I realise that’s a bitter pill, but it’s how I felt about the people in my life as a child. Then again, this may not apply to your daughter since she knows she has loads of love from you!

My child is now 14, it’s worth the old adage: your daughter will grow up before you know it. It feels like this young age goes on for ever, but soon she’ll be bigger and you’ll have much more time for yourself. She’ll be so much more independent in a few years. however, that’s still to come. So what I would say is that you definitely need to give yourself a break. you sound completely burnt out, and it’s really tough solo parenting.

Bed earlier? At age 6, my child was in bed at 7pm so I had the whole evening for sitting with my cat etc.

Do less? I also didn’t do nearly as much as you do with my child (i just found playing games so dull!) but I still did things every day, including playing (only child)! (And I was still burnt out, in so many ways.)

Look after yourself as a priority too? one more thing, your messages imply you have a weight problem? Again, I’ve had this too. Loads of self care, self love. Good fresh food. And, tough though it is, not much if any alcohol (sorry!) really helps… it feels overwhelming when everything’s going on, but honestly you sound just so lovely and I wish you all the best!

Help from beyond useless family? Also a final tip: I also had a working mum friend with whom I swapped overnights every so often (sometimes on a very regular basis, eg every Friday ours or yours). Any mum friends you could nurture friendships with so that you each give each other a break? Maybe the kids are still too young for that, but sleepovers start happening in primary, so again you’ll find some time to yourself soon.

This is a really difficult time for you, your ex sounds like such a twat, not just with your daughter but comments on bodies, UG.

To answer a few…

We’ve been split short of 2 years.

she watch tv/iPad on her own while I have shower/wash hair etc & I don’t go in when she shouts for me if I’m making tea etc. I used to dry my hands & go in mid washing up to watch her new dance etc but now I say when I’m done I will watch.

I agree with you all. She needs some independence. I’m fiercely independent as I didn’t have a present mum. I absolutely need to work on this at home. I want her to be a self sufficient & independent adult.

I like walking the dog & watching tv but she can’t watch what I watch (I like documentaries) but she does walk our dog with me.

I just love this wonderful side of Mumsnet. Thank you all so much.

Shes currently on the bed watching iPad while I wash my hair.

OP I hope you don't feel people are ganging up on you. I think the phrase 'too nice for your own good' could possibly be applied to you, I think that's why people are trying to encourage a different approach. I'm sure your daughter will be just fine whatever you do but YOU are a person in all this too who deserves time, space, fun, nurturing etc. And role modelling a balanced life is really the very best thing you can do for your daughter, they watch what we do not what we say.

Great idea to have the sleepover bit at the start.

I might also try being less available when she’s there, so she can’t just be dropped home. Be at a friends house an hour away, having drunk wine, something like that (even if it’s not true!)

I totally get why you don’t want him at your house!

You are clearly not a single parent.

Haven't read everything but in a situation in my extended family this is what the dad did. Dd wanted to go home at night so she went home just for bed and he collected her first thing Sunday morning and they had breakfast at his and spent the day together. Every second weekend. They lived pretty close . Dd just never wanted to sleep in any other bed. Never did sleepovers at friends. It wasn't the dad as he was very active with her on both days and they got on well.

You are nurturing your daughter like you wish you had been. Perhaps added in to that some guilt at the separation (have that one myself!). Both of which can lead to over compensating. But your daughter is not you, you are not your mum and separation, while difficult is not the end of the world either. Go easy on yourself my dear, you are wonderful and your presence and care are such that you can certainly ease back on the children's entertainer aspects of what you do.

OK so when she is watching her TV shows, take 40 minutes and sit near her and watch yours on a tablet with your headphones on. Or find podcasts that you enjoy and pop a headphone in whilst with your DD. The key when parenting alone is snatching you time where you can.

My DD was older than yours and swam 4x a week at club. Lots of other parents moaned about the time it took out of their day but they were some of my favourite times. I had to be there but didn't have the same home distractions or chores to take up my time so took a hot drink / or cold with ice in my travel cup in the Summer and would go for a walk, or perch my ipad on the dashboard and watch something grown up while I crocheted or read a book if there was enough light etc and that self enforced timeout was bliss.

Your DD is getting old enough to attend sports clubs now, don't rush home to stick the washing on etc sit and wait and enjoy some time to yourself.

@Waverleyst do you think couples allocate one to have a glass of wine and relax while the other stays on high alert? 🤣🤣🤣. OP should be able to relax in her home with her child there. If she can’t she needs to work out why and how.

Poor kid, nobody wants her, she will have grasped this

Yes I get you & I will be honest, I do find half these games dull too but she would never know it! I do do far too much, I’m always available. I remember recently getting into a yoga pose thinking ffs, I hate this & I might not be able to get up! But I still enthusiastically do it!

I need to change bedtime. I will then be able to have more time.

your reply got me thinking, I don’t want her to resent me. I absolutely want her to want to stay there for all our sakes.

The text message last night said ‘she wants to come home & she said she’s told you this loads of times’ and she has said this to
me loads of times so is she now thinking I’m not listening. But in my mind, I think ‘preferring’ something isn’t really a good enough reason & she won’t get to do everything she prefers in life.

so I’ still really none the wiser about whether to still insist but what has been highlighted is that I do far too much and I know this & I need to work on it.

@Radi0liverpool Don't be ridiculous. Op clearly dotes on her child but is exhausted and dad is bringing the DD back at the first chance.
Needing time off as a single parent is completely understandable although may have to be done in a creative and flexible way to suit the child's needs.

It sounds like he doesn't really want her there and she doesn't want to be there so why force it?
I get that you need a break but I don't think I could fully relax knowing she's not happy or particularly wanted there.

@OkshackyEmpathy is not your strong point. Before my husband died we shared parenting. We’d do things as a family but also made sure that both of us had opportunities to just be us - living, breathing humans. Now, through no choice of my own I never get to just breathe. I work full time and have three children. My dream is to have just one evening when I don’t have to think. What to make to eat. The answers to many questions a night, etc.

should be able to relax in her home with her child there. If she can’t she needs to work out why and how. I’ll explain from my perspective - people, adults and children are living beings. Sometimes we need to recalibrate. If it is you don’t and you are tied to your kids 24/7 then you are unique. Imagine never being able to just pop out for a walk. Not got a night out; for a walk to the end of the road and back.

What the fuck are you talking about?! 😂

You sound like a great mother, and I can see what you mean about encouraging her to stay. I would let her come home. It sounds like he doesn't want to have her apart from the most minimum time possible.

There have been lots of suggestions about how to get more time for yourself while she is with you so I won't add anything else there. I definitely would not have him in the house. That's your space and also he sounds sleazy. 🤢

Remember you need to care for yourself too. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Thank you. Currently she wouldn’t play in another room on her own, she’ll watch tv while I’m making tea or play in her room while iMm showering next door.

I don’t want her to resent me for making her stay.

I think now is the time over the next few years to try & build independence.

if there’s me & a group of kids, she will prefer to go off with the kids instantly & isn’t clingy. It’s just at home.

I do really want to fix this problem I’ve caused for her, I really do.

@StarDolphins 6 is still very little (even though it may not feel like it to you) lots of people, adults included like to be in their own bed.

Think about what you do with DD and the extra work it creates and then readjust to minimise the extra work. You need 3 x meals a day, couple of hours of physical activity, 8-12 hours sleep. If you don't enjoy yoga put a boxercise or dance exercise video on youtube and do that with her - we need to do physical activity and it entertains DD.
My DD liked to make cakes but ingredients got everywhere so we did the making outside, same with eating meals, if it was nice then we ate in the garden, she loved it and no more cleaning up tables and floors for me. Painting/arts and crafts too that was outdoors if we could etc etc. If we went to the park I would take a hot drink and a book, I'd play with DD for 10 minutes then sit and read and drink my drink and tell her to play and then rejoin her when I was done - more often than not she'd made a friend and wouldn't want me.

In the school holidays look up and make a schedule of all the free things going on, libraries, museums, summer fares etc are great for this, cinema kids clubs, children's theatre shows these things all kill a few hours and tend to be cheap and you don't have to use up the mental power of thinking what to do each day.

For us we did things in the morning and in the evening and the middle of the day was for quiet time at home.

If she's happy with just a day visit, maybe have him collect her at breakfast, and take her out until after dark nner, bringing her home at bedtime.

Routine is key here, they always have dinner at his home (tell him her favourite dinner) he talks about the fun breakfast they could have (pancakes with sprinkles or whatever would be amazing for her) and that she can be home early in the morning.

I know you can't control what he does, but if she k owe what to expect it may be easier on her.

You collecting her may be more reassuring for her as she isn't waiting for him to be ready. You can explain you will arrive at 9am.

It more about building her confidence in the routine, going to dads is very different than what she knows. More structure will help her feel more comfortable.

You sound brilliant, but it's actually an important part of childhood development for them to feel bored and not be entertained the whole time. It helps independence and creativity.

She's six. She just wants to be at home. Dad isn't home. Dad's house isn't home. She misses her dad and wants to see her dad, yes. But that doesn't mean she wants to be away from home overnight. She's really not being abnormal by wanting to come home. I really do think it will be quite damaging for her relationship with her and her relationship with her dad. She's going to remember you not allowing her to come home and it's going to make her consider giving up her desire to see her father because of what it means.

Who looked after her while he was out?

@Waverleyst *Imagine never being able to just pop out for a walk. Not got a night out; for a walk to the end of the road and back. *That’s not something I need to “imagine” but that’s not you lacking empathy, that’s just you not knowing my situation. I’ve read what OP chooses to share of hers and imo she needs to make home work for her. I’m happy for you to disagree but less enamoured of your personal attacks.

@StarDolphins in my mind, I think ‘preferring’ something isn’t really a good enough reason & she won’t get to do everything she prefers in life. and yet there you are contorted into a yoga pose to please her when you don’t want to? I think you sound lovely and caring and hard working but perhaps focusing on getting home relaxing and working would be better long term than getting her to stay with her frankly horrid sounding father? What about carving out time to relax when she’s there? An earlier bedtime? Knocking before coming into each others bedrooms? No after school park on set days?