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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my boyfriend is going off me?

110 replies

popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:14

My boyfriend of a year has always been really affectionate, loving and very openly attracted to me.

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired.

We’ve always had sex frequently but recently becoming less so - we are always falling asleep by the evening and he’s way too tired in the morning and struggles to wake up.

He’s always complimented me for example if I’m getting changed in front of him he will go “ooh” or if I’m wearing a nice outfit he would comment. He hasn’t been doing that as much recently as he says he’s often distracted, busy or tired.

I have communicated this with him and he said “I’m so sorry, I am just so sidetracked and concentrating on other things, I really do think you’re so attractive and that hasn’t changed”. He also apologised as he doesn’t deal with stress very well.

Yesterday I got upset as I was wearing a really nice revealing top which I know he loves. We got halfway through the evening and he hadn’t said anything. I said “do you like the top?” And he said “yes of course, sorry I’m just concentrating on crossing the road”. I rolled my eyes and said there’s always an excuse, and asked more. He then said I’m “fishing” and I got really upset.

Same with this morning, wore a really nice blouse to work and he said nothing. So I asked him if I liked it and he said “yes”.

He’s now saying I “really need to let it happen naturally and stop asking/forcing it” and “you have got to be more understanding when I’m busy or have other things on my mind”. Also I have to trust him when he says he still thinks that of me.

Am I being dramatic here?

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 09/06/2023 10:20

You sound exhausting. Your boyfriend had told you he is feeling stressed, too much on his mind, and you are adding to that

Sissynova · 09/06/2023 10:23

Am I being dramatic here?

Yes, it sounds like you need an exhausting amount of compliments to feel validated. You got annoyed at him twice in less than 24 hours for not complimenting your outfit. That isn't normal to get so worked up.

Babsexxx · 09/06/2023 10:23

Very and needy! When people are under stress it’s enormous for them in there mind like a never ending swirl of thoughts and the last thing on his mind will be constantly massaging your ego….sorry to be blunt but clearly you’ve never had any mh problems.

potentialmediator · 09/06/2023 10:28

He’s not getting enough sleep so is exhausted and he’s explained he’s stressed and apologised. I would focus on what you can do to help him relax, not on getting him to compliment you.
If you are insecure try and put it to one side and focus on what he’s going through. It will add to his stress if you’re instead looking for reassurance all the time.

Cranfor · 09/06/2023 10:32

Yes possibly, if someone kept asking me to compliment them it would certainly put me off them.

CaloundraBlues · 09/06/2023 10:37

Leave him alone, sounds like you're annoying him and you'll end up pushing him away

Divorcedalongtime · 09/06/2023 10:37

What you should think instead of is he going off me is if your behaviour is adding to that, and it does.

if he actually is cooling towards you, forcing him is only going to hurry that process.

it sounds like he means too much to you, if you had external interests and friends I feel like you wouldn’t need his validation all the time.

also sex naturally slows down for most couples after a while.

Rosieposy89 · 09/06/2023 10:43

Far too needy

Original poster
popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 10:44

It’s mainly because I feel like he’s changed. He’s gone from always complimenting me to me having to ask. And he said I’m “fishing” which just seemed really nasty for someone who couldn’t stop singing my praises before?

OP posts:
mauricemossmylove · 09/06/2023 10:45

May I say what a smashing blouse you have on

CaloundraBlues · 09/06/2023 10:45

Recently he’s been under a lot of stress, taking up a new role at work, squeezing everything alongside that and his other commitments. He doesn’t get much downtime. He also suffers from sleep apnea so is always tired

OP surely this explains it?

PollyDarton1 · 09/06/2023 10:49

Sounds perfectly normal reaction to stress and not sleeping well. I think you're overreacting, are you usually insecure in relationships?

Crazycrazylady · 09/06/2023 10:53

Honestly constantly looking for compliments is a really unattractive quality. Don't do it or iit really will put him off.

User124534687 · 09/06/2023 10:54

Yeah this is something you could spend time on, looking at yourself and your need for validation with kindness and see what comes up for you. Meditation and yoga can really help for bringing you back into your body, into connection with yourself, in order to not need to look outwards for approval.

Your partner could do with stress relief too, but that’s his issue and it’s you that’s posed the question so I’ll leave his stuff with him.

I don’t mean be unkind and criticise yourself, I just mean own this feeling and get curious about it. When we’re triggered, it’s because we’re a loaded gun - it’s not the trigger that’s the problem, it’s a chance to look inside at the loaded gun - where did it come from? What purpose is it serving me? Etc etc.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2023 10:54

I think the neediness and resssurance seeking will be the thing that turns him off.
I would try to park this for, say, a month. Turn it sound and compliment HIM as much as you can. You're so dedicated to your work I admire your discipline. You're such a great cook. You look sexy when you've just got out of the shower, stop it you're distracting me. Etc. bring the fun and playfulness back. And get out of the house more dressed up- go for a cocktail with a girlfriend in that dress you'll turn heads and you'll get your ego boost and reassurance that way. He will also notice and take his gorgeous fun girlfriend for granted less!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/06/2023 10:55

User124534687 · 09/06/2023 10:54

Yeah this is something you could spend time on, looking at yourself and your need for validation with kindness and see what comes up for you. Meditation and yoga can really help for bringing you back into your body, into connection with yourself, in order to not need to look outwards for approval.

Your partner could do with stress relief too, but that’s his issue and it’s you that’s posed the question so I’ll leave his stuff with him.

I don’t mean be unkind and criticise yourself, I just mean own this feeling and get curious about it. When we’re triggered, it’s because we’re a loaded gun - it’s not the trigger that’s the problem, it’s a chance to look inside at the loaded gun - where did it come from? What purpose is it serving me? Etc etc.

What a good analogy

Season0fTheWitch · 09/06/2023 10:55

Why are you so insecure? He's been open with you, clearly is stressed and distracted and now has to pander to you needing compliments. Maybe work on your self-love so you don't rely on him so much. And give him a break!

berksandbeyond · 09/06/2023 10:55

You sound like hard work

JustCheckMyHead · 09/06/2023 10:57

@mauricemossmylove skullcrusher Henderson?!

Butchyrestingface · 09/06/2023 10:58

Well, I was exhausted just reading that so God know how the poor bastard feels. Grin

He’s gone from always complimenting me to me having to ask.

Why do you HAVE to ask? Why can't you just BE, without the need for an endless stream of compliments?

Do you pay HIM compliments all the time?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/06/2023 10:58

You sound like hard work, he's going through a lot sleep apnea is hard imagine not getting a full nights sleep forever on top of a stressful job and needy girlfriend.
If hes complimented your top he's not going to keep doing it every time you wear it. It's not normal to act like a Randy teenage boy in your 20s/30s +.
Give it a break and be more supportive towards him before you piss him off and he leaves.

lap90 · 09/06/2023 11:00

Yes, you are being dramatic and he's going off you becoming hard work.
He's stressed... calm down and work in your self esteem.

Original poster
popgoesthehedgehog · 09/06/2023 12:01

It’s frustrating I just feel like he keeps changing the subject everytime I even try to be flirty or intimate (and we’ve always been like this).
He just sent a picture of him fed up at work waiting, doing a funny pose. I genuinely thought he looked so good so I was like “oh you look delightful 😍”.

He usually loves this and would say something back, or be like “you’re the best” or whatever.

Instead he just said “thanks!” Then ranted about work again…. Changing the subject

OP posts:
PleasantOwl · 09/06/2023 12:12

I can’t remember the last time me and DH complimented each other, although I did tell him he looked liked a sausage in a new t-shirt the other day. Oh, and he likes to tell me that my crocheted top looks like something an old Spanish woman would wear. We’re very lovey dovey.

LadyJ2023 · 09/06/2023 12:30

Ahhhh you sound like a nightmare. Can't you take that people are allowed to feel down,stressed,tired. Cmon wheres your empathy towards him to get him thru his tough time